He cheated - Page 2

honeychile · #16 09-23-2003, 08:52 AM

I've never had a man cheat on me, but I'd like to give you a different perspective.

I volunteer at a Divorce Recovery Seminar. There are lectures, then small (4-10 people) groups where people discuss in depth what caused the break up of their marriage. At least 2/3 of the people there are divorced because of infidelity. Interestingly, at least half of those whose divorce is final later wish that they had talked about the infidelity prior to running off to a lawyer.

I would have never said this before, but if someone cheats, it's more important to find out the why before immediately breaking it off completely. Since you're not married, it may be just as well to call it quits. But, if this is/was a more serious relationship, I would highly recommend that you both speak to a counselor to try to understand why he felt the need to cheat.

Take care of yourself, Sweetie, and make sure he has every available test prior to any intimacy.

bethany1982 · #17 09-23-2003, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by honeychile
I've never had a man cheat on me, but I'd like to give you a different perspective.

I volunteer at a Divorce Recovery Seminar. There are lectures, then small (4-10 people) groups where people discuss in depth what caused the break up of their marriage. At least 2/3 of the people there are divorced because of infidelity. Interestingly, at least half of those whose divorce is final later wish that they had talked about the infidelity prior to running off to a lawyer.

I would have never said this before, but if someone cheats, it's more important to find out the why before immediately breaking it off completely. Since you're not married, it may be just as well to call it quits. But, if this is/was a more serious relationship, I would highly recommend that you both speak to a counselor to try to understand why he felt the need to cheat.

Take care of yourself, Sweetie, and make sure he has every available test prior to any intimacy.

Thanks for the advice. This happened last Winter break when I had gone home. I didn't find out about it until recently. We broke up (not because of this) over the Summer, and then got back together this month. I don't care what he did over the Summer. The break up was my idea. Finding out what he did while I was away really bothers me. I don't know. I didn't sleep last night thinking about this. I hate my indecisiveness.

Imthachamp · #18 09-23-2003, 10:18 AM

there is no reason for someone to cheat. so i dont think she should trouble herself with finding out why he did it. even in a marriage, thats a pretty hard thing to forgive and i think people are better off without that person. its just too much to deal with.

cheating and lying are like the worse things ever. id rather be punched in the face then to have someone lie to me.

ZTAngel · #19 09-23-2003, 10:22 AM

Even if he does change his cheating ways, will YOU ever trust him again? When he's out with his friends, will you be wondering if he's hooking up with some girl? If he doesn't pick up his cell, will you be worried it's because he's with someone else? When he's acting distant, will you wonder if it's because he's thinking of someone else? No matter how hard you try, if you're like most people, these thoughts will going on in the back of your mind. The question isn't if he will cheat again. The question is will you be able to move on and have 100% trust in him again? If you can't have 100% trust in him (which is so so so so so important in a relationship), than I suggest maybe moving on.

pirepresent · #20 09-23-2003, 10:24 AM

bethany,

i've been with a cheater before, so i have to say ditto to what everyone else has said, but I also think that the fact that you didn't find out until recently does not bode well for his trustworthiness...

i understand that things happen and sometimes people make mistakes, but if i ever cheated on someone i would not be able to look that person in the eye if i hadn't told them, much less maintain a relationship under the pretense that everything is fine!

i say lose him. if he was really sorry it seems like he would have come clean on the issue right away, instead of letting you find out months later. jerk.

honeychile · #21 09-23-2003, 10:48 AM

there is no reason for someone to cheat.

Actually, if you find out the justification that someone uses, you'll find out a LOT about their character. What if the spouse refuses any intimacy for months or years on end? What if a fatal illness is involved? What if the man is impotent? These are factors that should be explored.

cheating and lying are like the worse things ever. id rather be punched in the face then to have someone lie to me.

Going back to the Seminar, it's amazing how many people do not agree with this statement! Personally, I agree with you - but the final decision is Bethany's, and not ours, to make.

I have strong issues with trust, so I would have a VERY hard time dealing with someone who broke my trust. I just think that Bethany needs to think about her options instead of making a decision based on emotion.

AchtungBaby80 · #22 09-23-2003, 11:17 AM

When people cheat, it means that they don't need to be in that particular relationship because they're either not happy, or something else isn't right. That's just my opinion, but I really believe it. It isn't the other person's fault if their boy/girlfriend cheats. I've been on both ends, and neither are very good places to be. Being cheated on makes you feel crummy because it hurts thinking that your SO chose someone else over you...at least, that's what it feels like. And being the cheater sucks, too, because you know you're not happy and you don't have the guts to end it, yet you feel like the biggest weasel ever. I think it's just better if you end the relationship...you're not married, and like others said, it doesn't really sound like you'll be able to trust him again.

AlphaGam1019 · #23 09-23-2003, 11:44 AM

yeah-people deserve a 2nd chance but only if you're willing to forgive. if it's totally shattered the trust, then just move on.

Imthachamp · #24 09-23-2003, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by honeychile
there is no reason for someone to cheat.

Actually, if you find out the justification that someone uses, you'll find out a LOT about their character. What if the spouse refuses any intimacy for months or years on end? What if a fatal illness is involved? What if the man is impotent? These are factors that should be explored.

cheating and lying are like the worse things ever. id rather be punched in the face then to have someone lie to me.

Going back to the Seminar, it's amazing how many people do not agree with this statement! Personally, I agree with you - but the final decision is Bethany's, and not ours, to make.

I have strong issues with trust, so I would have a VERY hard time dealing with someone who broke my trust. I just think that Bethany needs to think about her options instead of making a decision based on emotion.

i dunno...i just fail to believe that there is any reason that someone should cheat. if things are going bad, you should end the relationship.

Munchkin03 · #25 09-23-2003, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by honeychile

Actually, if you find out the justification that someone uses, you'll find out a LOT about their character. What if the spouse refuses any intimacy for months or years on end? What if a fatal illness is involved? What if the man is impotent? These are factors that should be explored.

Right on. There are so many reasons people cheat. It doesn't make it right, but it's not as if there are factors leading to it. Even something like parental infidelity can cause someone to cheat--even though that parent's infidelity impacted the kid horribly. There are so many different shades of grey. As inexcusable as infidelity is in my book, it's not so black and white.

I know the pain of being betrayed by someone I once loved. I just had to cut mofo from my life, because I was better than that and could stand taller on my own. I know deep down, you might feel the same way.

ladyj39 · #26 09-23-2003, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Imthachamp
i dunno...i just fail to believe that there is any reason that someone should cheat. if things are going bad, you should end the relationship.

This is very true, but not everyone thinks as clearly. My BF and I were together for two years and things were getting bad. We were spending every waking moment together and were fighting all the time and nagging each other to death. I'm not saying either one of us was more to blame than the other, because we were both at fault. The only difference was, I was willing to talk it through and try to resolve our differences because I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. He decided to take the easy way out and made out with our friend's sister. They didn't have sex and he did tell me right after it happened. He ended up breaking things off and we were apart for five months.

Throughout that time we remained friends and realized that before we broke up, we totally took each other for granted and stopped appreciating each other. Our relationship strengthened after we re-established our friendship and after what seemed like a hundred "serious" talks and me questioning my trust in him, we realized that we still loved each other and gave it another try. Sure, there are times when I get little twinges of jealousy or wonder what he's doing when he's not with me, but I do trust him. It didn't happen overnight, but the trust is there. As weird as it sounds, we both needed the break up to realize how much we loved each other. It was a wake up call, and not the best one to experience, but it was necessary. It made us stronger and we're still together and very happy! It's been a year and a half since we got back together and it's been great!

All I can say is do you what is best for you in the long run. This is your decision to make and you can always PM me if you want to talk, vent, or need more support!

aoe,
Jess

Lil' Hannah · #27 09-23-2003, 03:06 PM

OK, I guess that one could argue that men and women are different but...

I've been a cheater.

And I never did it again.

My freshman year of college I was doing the long distance relationship with my boyfriend of about 2 years. I ended up hooking up with a mutual friend's roommate. It only happened once, and our friend knew about it and a few other friends had an idea that something fishy was up. I was so worried about my boyfriend finding out and so guilty about it and so miserable because of the guilt that I would never do it again just because I'd never want to feel that way ever again. My motives for cheating were selfish (I was lonely and wanted male attention) and my motives for never doing it again are selfish. But it's not always true that people are serial cheaters.

bethany1982 · #28 09-23-2003, 09:25 PM

I'm telling him bye later tonight... thanks for all your help.

Lady Pi Phi · #29 09-23-2003, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Imthachamp
i dunno...i just fail to believe that there is any reason that someone should cheat. if things are going bad, you should end the relationship.

I have to agree with Imthachamp here...did I just say that

Anyway, I don't believe there is ever a valid excuse. There are many reasons why people do it, I just don't believe that they are valid. Obviously the person who is cheating or is considering cheating has a problem with the relationship, whether it be unhappiness, poor sex life, whatever, these are all things that can be worked out with a little effort. If the couple can't work it out or won't work it out then it's best to end the relationship. Cheating never solves anything. Why stay with someone you are unhappy with?