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Rio_Kohitsuji · #16 09-08-2003, 09:33 PM

All I can say is....is your mom my mom too?

I just say, follow your heart, and people change throughout time. It took my mother forever to relax about me even having a friend who was black. But eventually she realized that, "Hey, just because you're a different shade than me, you're a person too...". So, just let her see how good he treats you and how much he means to you, it should eventually wear her down.

AKA_Monet · #17 09-09-2003, 08:57 PM

My brother is married to a caucasian woman. But that is a whole 'nother topic...

Here is want you can do:

I find that being blunt with folks works wonders...

Such as, things your family does all the time--invite your boyfriend's family over and let the chips fall where they land...

I find that it works on the most "Klanniest" of klansfolks when they are confronted with this reality...

My suggestion: Hey, not all, but many a African Americans will go to church--most especially your boyfriend's family. Invite him and his family to YOUR church!!!

Why, 'cuz you are putting folks hatred before God... And if God don't like it, then hey, you will get your answer...

But most likely, God is not going to have a problem with it, if your love is true... Why do you think that God would want you to fall in love with an African American man knowing all the issues you both will face??? And knowing current trends, it ain't too much to bear...

Moreover, if you put your FAITH in God into your relationship, how is your family really going to call themselves Christians if they hate their fellow man??? I am making that assumption about your family and you, but even if your Buddhist, it would still apply.

I have more, but you can PM me if you'd like...

DeltAlum · #18 09-10-2003, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Moreover, if you put your FAITH in God into your relationship, how is your family really going to call themselves Christians if they hate their fellow man???

Monet,

I don't know Diva or her parents, so what I say is pure speculation.

I doubt if her family "hates" this young man -- or even African Americans.

In fact, in many cases, I would guess just the opposite. They might be scared to death. Scared of what their friends will think. Scared of having to move outside their comfort zone. Scared of the difficulties (real and imagined) that their daughter might be getting herself into. Scared to face the reality that things are changing.

Most of all, scared of something the don't understand.

Or, I could be wrong. Maybe they do hate -- but that's a pretty strong word, and a stronger emotion.

Asking God's help can never hurt, though, and I think your advice is sound.

Homey the Bag · #19 09-10-2003, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
so my mom came into work this morning and let me wait on her and big party there. i really haven't talked too much about the boyfriend to my parents....but i have mentioned him here and there, just not wanting to make a big deal out of it. told them we've been talking and hanging out and that he went to that wedding with me last saturday. and they haven't really asked a lot about him.....then my mom today at work was like, "so is this guy you're talking to nice?" and i was like, "yeah, he's super nice"....and then she was like, "and he's white, right?"......i just looked at her stunned, briefly forgetting how she always seems to ask me that question when i start talking to a guy she's never met before.....and all i could answer with was, "mom, he's really great".

yes, the boy is a black man. a tall, beautiful, foine, strong, smart, and funny black man. my mom was like, "he's not white?!" and immediately my eyes start to fill up b/c i knew this was going to be an issue with my family. we've had numerous talks on the subject even though i have never dated anyone other than white guys, so just as i know how they feel, they know how i feel. i've talked to a few black guys here and there, but nothing serious. done the face thing, all that, whatever....but never any attachment or anything. so. anyway, i tell my mom i don't want to get into it right now and we both just kinda blow it off a lil bit. but she asks what is going on, i tell her it's nothing serious.......and it's not, really. he's my b/f, i totally dig, we spend every minute not at work together, he's already busted out some "if we get married" phrases....but ya know. we just really get along really well and every day that goes by, i like him more and more. i'm not really seeing anything slow down, either.....but still.....nothing too serious........

so my question is: what the hell do i do? me and derrick have already talked about all of this. i've met his whole family and they have been NOTHING but sweet to me. he knows that there will be problems with this, and all he's told me is to take my time about letting them know, and also that he's afraid it'll make us not be able to see each other. i told him before that i would let them know when i am ready to defend our relationship and am ready to have that fight, and to not worry about my family causing our demise. i think that after all the shitty guys i have dealt with, my parents and grandparents should be happy for me for finding such a great guy, no matter what color he is. but they are still in a different era, so ya know.

i don't know what to do. the cat is somewhat out of the bag.....i don't want to hurt my family in any way, but i also think it's horrible for them to be so ignorant as to try and tell me i can't be with him. b/c today, all my mom said after she found out he was black was, "no"....excuse me? i am 22 years old and you are gonna tell me "no" like that about this????

advice to handle this situation PLEEEEASE!

Your mom probably dated tons of black guys back in the day and she knows that there is a social stigma attached to interracial dating. She doesn't want you to have to deal with the same issues that she dealt with.

AKA_Monet · #20 09-10-2003, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DeltAlum
Monet,

I don't know Diva or her parents, so what I say is pure speculation.

I doubt if her family "hates" this young man -- or even African Americans.

In fact, in many cases, I would guess just the opposite. They might be scared to death. Scared of what their friends will think. Scared of having to move outside their comfort zone. Scared of the difficulties (real and imagined) that their daughter might be getting herself into. Scared to face the reality that things are changing.

Most of all, scared of something the don't understand.

Or, I could be wrong. Maybe they do hate -- but that's a pretty strong word, and a stronger emotion.

Asking God's help can never hurt, though, and I think your advice is sound.

D-alum--

I know that for my folks it was tough when my brother made his decision--however, he was much older than Diva.

AlphaGamDiva--

What I might say may hurt you. But this is not my intention. You must look at the reality of your situation.

Based on what I read on your profile and going to your website and seeing how you live, you are basically a spoiled little girl... (Remember, it takes one to know one...

)

Your parents love the world of you. They hurt an utter pain when they see you hurt. They have given you all that you have desired and they will give you more if you wanted it...

Your parents did not raise you to be somebody's wife before the age of 25 years old... Maybe that was okay for your folks to do, but apparently, it is not for you... They have much higher expectations for you. They want you to achieve as much as you possibly can before you go off into the "world" and find someone to love you, marry you and have babies with...

It was not that long ago, that most of what women wanted was nullified and they were routed into a life that they did not choose. However, times have changed to the point that you can do whatever your "mindstrength" allows you to do... If you want to be an astronaut--you go girl!!! I wish the best of luck to you!!!

But at 22ish-23ish, sweetheart, have you begun to think about how you are going to live? Do you own a house? Do you have mutual funds? Do you have a steady paycheck? Do you have some kind of retirement? What do you have? And will this man you supposedly love be the provider for what you desire for yourself, him and your family?

Basically, why is he talking about marriage--so soon, nonetheless? What is his concept of marriage? What is his motivation to put that concept inside your head?

So, think about it... Your mother sees you latching yourself onto another guy, the relationship is rapid-fire, then to top it off, he is not of your culture and so, your mother freaks... Here is your mom, about 40ish-50ish--about to go thru menopause, if not already, her job is probably driving her psycho anyways, then her daughter, who she probably sees a lot of herself into, decides to hop right into the passions of fire with a "statistic" in her mind... She absolutely has no clue what you are getting yourself into and all she can do is be a mother and say what ever she has to say, do whatever she has to do to stop you... If you were younger, she would probably admonish you if she could... (Back in my day, I'd a gotten whipped--but nowadays, parents admonish...)

Just like many of us older GCers have stated, popping up and down to "prove" to your mom that this boy is "good enough for you to date" is not the issue for your mom. It is more about the longterm goals the she sees. I don't think your mother gives a dayum about what the "community" would say. I just think your mother is being a mother and well, honestly, doesn't know what to say and so she blurts it out... It might come out as bigoted, but how would you stop your child from your perceived danger if you did not blurt it out... Like "STOP" works...

So if you are going to be obstinent to the people who have loved you your entire life, that is your choice. But beware of the consequences of your actions. Why don't you just take your mother out to lunch one weekend and hash things out with her??? Form an agenda with what is going on in your mind and ask her the poignant questions... Say to her, "when you say ___, it makes me feel like ___" and why you feel that way. Maybe she'll listen, maybe she won't, but you tried. And you ought to pay for lunch too!!!

And make sure that you tell her you love her with all your heart... That way she will know you are on a decent "track" in your life...

AlphaGamDiva · #21 09-11-2003, 01:38 PM

thanks, you guys, for all the advice. it's all been very insightful.....more so than the ppl who know me and this situation personally have been.

the story with my mom is a combination of what you all have said: she's always worried about what others will think, she's concerned about the difficulties this could cause if we were to get married, and she doesn't like the idea of inter-racial relationships. so yeah, it's all of the above. which makes it harder.

after i posted this thread the other day, i was sitting here, and out of nowhere she said, "you need to get back into church....you can meet ppl that way." SO random. i was like, "what?" and she told me that the only way i have to meet guys is through work and stuff, and it would be better to meet them through church. -SIGH- news flash: i met derrick through my sister's man, NOT through anything associated to work, and they met working at a church camp

amazing, isn't it? up until that point, i had just let it go from lunch, and she hadn't said anything......but then that remark just kinda got everyone riled up. i stayed as calm as possible for as long as possible, but then she started to accuse me of wanting this "romeo and juliet" forbidden thing, trying to say the only reason i was with him was to piss them off. NEVER have i EVER done something just to piss them off......so she just started saying whatever to hurt my feelings (or it really seemed that way), and i was crying, not getting mad or yelling back, just hurt...........and then i got mad, started calling her a racist (yeah, probably not the best of ideas....but if you had heard some of the absolute ISHT she was banshee screaming about.........

), then i busted out some Bible knowledge on her which got her more mad b/c she couldn't come back with anything b/c she knew i was right, i walked out the door b/c i was late to work, and she told me to not ever come back.

she also told me that a million times when i lived here when my room was messy, so no worries, kids....i am back today and again everything appears fine.

i didn't think she had told my dad b/c i called that night and talked to him.....all he talked about was my finances. but my sister told me later that he did indeed know about derrick, but that my mom told him we weren't dating. i guess she's in denial.

the thing about this coming out now is that i wasn't ready for this argument. i didn't want them to know at all until i KNEW that this was something to fight over. right now, he's great. but he could turn out to be nothing more than any of my other b/fs. i didn't want them to know b/c i didn't want to have this big ol' argument for nothing other than hurting my family...which is the last thing i wanted to do. and when i told derrick that they knew, he was "waiting" for me to break up with him. and now that i haven't.......seems we've only gotten closer and more attached. i told him that i could deal with this as long as i knew i had some backing, and that he wasn't going to hold it against me that my family was being like this.....and he told me, "you're the only white girl i've dated who's stood up for this.....we are doing nothing wrong......i'm relieved you still want to be with me and i'm not gonna do anything to mess that up." -SIGH- he completely understands how things are, and is nothing but cool and calm about it.

as far as us getting married....y'all, i dig....but i am only 22, and we've only been seeing each other for, like, not even 2 months. it never would have been this deep of a thing if my mom hadn't treated the idea as horribly as she did.....we'd still just be in happy chill mode....but now it seems as if everything is heightened. so, no thoughts on my end about marriage yet....still have things i need to do b/4 that ever happens. and me "loving" him.....we'll just go for "strong like" right now.

again, THANK YOU all so much for your thoughs and advice. i appreciate the pms and replies on here.....good to know i am not alone in this one.

ETA: this picture

i'd post the full pic with me in it, but i am void of make-up, so sorry, GCers.

AlphaGamDiva · #22 09-11-2003, 03:43 PM

btw, if you can't see his pic, go to my crush of the week link in my sig.

aurora_borealis · #23 09-11-2003, 04:27 PM

My lovely Diva,
You're living on your own, supporting yourself, working full time, preparing to go in the military, and an alumni. Even though you're 22, you're on your own to the point where your choices are YOUR choices. Not that they will not effect other people, but they are yours to make and live with. As scary and liberating as this is...welcome to adulthood. I know you love your family, and this whole situation is very hard for you; but if you are going into this situation with reasons that are honest and true to yourself, and not because you are antagonizing your parents, rebelling etc; then you know what is best for you. I am going to assume your sister supports you, and that is wonderful. Perhaps she will be your best ally in this. Remember you're always welcome at my house for the holidays, we have quite the rainbow of family members and you'd both fit right in.

AB

P.S. I walked out of my building and this squirrel ran over to the sidewalk. It stalked me a couple of blocks. Please, call the squirrels off. I will deliver a pound of mixed salted nuts at the required location.

Imthachamp · #24 09-11-2003, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
btw, if you can't see his pic, go to my crush of the week link in my sig.

hahahahahhahahahaha8ha8hah8ayhhah8ahdkjshaahahahha ha you made a webpage for him....lolololol

CC1GC · #25 09-11-2003, 07:38 PM

how long have you been seeing this guy....don't you think you should let things settle a bit with your parents if it's only been a few week?

valkyrie · #26 09-11-2003, 07:49 PM

This isn't relevant to anything, but he's a hottie!!

AlphaGamDiva · #27 09-15-2003, 08:37 PM

i can't believe i am quoting this guy, but ok......

Quote:

Originally posted by Imthachamp
hahahahahhahahahaha8ha8hah8ayhhah8ahdkjshaahahahha
ha you made a webpage for him....lolololol

this i know, i am a dork......i do what i can.

however, this post gave me a lil insight on "imthachamp".......

thanks, valkyrie, i think he's pretty darn cute myself.

and yeah, it hasn't been that long, but it honestly seems longer than it's been. we've moved super fast, but as much as i would normally be a lil nervous, i'm not. we're both still taking it all day by day. and watch out......he dropped the "L" bomb on me 2 nights ago........

-sigh-

thanks, annie.....you're the best!

AGDLynn · #28 09-15-2003, 11:15 PM

Okay here's my take....

Gary Sinise scares me....

2 months and in love..or lust...scares me...

Be careful with your heart and ALL of your relationships.

STAND BACK.

DEEP BREATH IN AND OUT!

Repeat as often as necessary and don't rush things.

I'm here for you, sister!

LiEP!!
Me

Jill1228 · #29 09-16-2003, 01:38 AM

The brotha is FINE!

OK I may be married but I am NOT dead!

ilovemyglo · #30 09-16-2003, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jill1228
The brotha is FINE!

OK I may be married but I am NOT dead!

Yeah you ought to see him dance too!