Scruples Question #1

[LikeASista]

Alright, I don't know if you all are really paying attention to the situation posed. The question involved whether or not we saw someone who LOOKED like our best friend's significant other. If I thought he LOOKED like him, I'd try to go over and speak to him while he's with her (to be certain, of course). But her question involved whether we were UNABLE to get a closer look at him. If I was not sure, then I would have nothing to say. It has been my experience that women cause more problems when they are supposedly TRYING to help. I would rather take the gentleman's approach to "stay out of it" but ONLY if I'm not sure. If I AM sure, I will approach him and then tell her about CALMLY and GENTLY (but only when the timing is right). I don't like being a party to chaos or foolishness, and that's exactly what it becomes when the best friend ignores your desire to help and almost always takes HIS side over of YOURS, thus RUINING the friendship as opposed to strengthening it. Sometimes, as much as we want to help, we HAVE to use wisdom with everything we do.

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No weapon formed against me shall prosper, for I am a child of the Most High God, Who sits upon the Throne of Grace, and rules all Heaven and Earth.

[Professor]

Any Counselors in the House? I would not advise another to become involved in a friend's relationship for several reasons. In particular, I find that partners of individuals that cheat are more often aware that this behavior is occurring. In instances where one is aware of cheating, he or she may choose to ignore the situation, or accept what is happening. My point being that as an outsider one never knows what a friend is willing to "put up with."

[AKAtude]

Professor, that is a good point. However, you will not know what your friend is willing to "put up with" unless you provide her with the information. Then, if she/he wants to look the other way, just be there for them when they need you.

[The Original Ape]

Originally posted by AKAtude:
Professor, that is a good point. However, you will not know what your friend is willing to "put up with" unless you provide her with the information. Then, if she/he wants to look the other way, just be there for them when they need you.

Hey I see all yall's points. Have we all overlooked the fact that there are "right" ways for men to handle it, and "right" ways for women to handle it?

[Sexy Mocha]

Actually, my actions in this situation would be based on which friend it is. Some women would rather not know her man was out with another woman, some would turn the tables and take her man's side over her friend's, and some would definitely want to know. If her man had a history with this kind of thing, and she has done nothing to correct matters...then I probably would leave well enough alone. There are those women out there who choose not to see what's going on . The ones that are more than aware that their man is just a squirrel out there trying to get as many nuts as he can, and still, they make the conscious decision to keep this fool around. In a case as such, telling what you saw would be completely in vain.

[Professor]

Originally posted by AKAtude:
Professor, that is a good point. However, you will not know what your friend is willing to "put up with" unless you provide her with the information. Then, if she/he wants to look the other way, just be there for them when they need you.

I feel you Sister! However, I believe in minding my business. People know if someone is cheating or at least they have a gut feeling. Hell, if I'm insecure about me relationship, which I am, then I ask a lot of questions for clarification and understanding.

[AKAtude]

Professor, I can see where you are coming from.

Original Ape, you have made a good point as well.

[This message has been edited by AKAtude (edited August 11, 2000).]

[onesavvydiva]

A-ight yall, this actually happened to me...about 2 years ago, when I graduated all of my cousins and friends went out for a late night dinner at Denny's (when I say late-night, I mean like 3 a.m.) So My best friend, who I call my sister....she saw her cousin's fiance' with her ex-boyfriend. (we didn't know that it was her ex-man at the time.) We weren't sure if it was her or not, b/c she used to have long, long flowing hair, and she had just cut it all off, and we didn't know that she was sporting a new "toni braxton" cut. But she basically confirmed our suspicions when she gaspsed when she saw us, and ran into the ladies room. Now me and my sister started to follow her in there, but we didn't want to cause a scene.

When she came out of the bathroom, (I guess her date didn't know that he was the other man, so she was playing it off both ways...) she sat there with her menu on her face the whole time we were there(we were finishing our meal) and acted like she couldn't decide what she wanted to order.

Now we felt like we had an obligation to tell, since the wedding was in a few months, so we ran it by our brother first, as we described the guy she was with, he informed us that that was her ex-man and that we should tell him right away.

To make a long story less long, we told, he believed but didn't care('cause he's a pushover), and she never spoke to me or my sister again. And they married anyway, but she's made it seem like we were the liars, and she's denied it to this day. B---h!!!

[onesavvydiva]

oh, yeah, the moral of the story....
If the person is very close to you, and they are in a serious relationship, by all means TELL IT!!

Sometimes people shoot the bearer of bad news, but it's only because they are hurting, and if that person is truly your friend, they will see that you are telling the truth, even if they choose to ignore the information.

And then the spouse/cheating partner, may not like you, may even hate you for telling, but at least they know that they can't get away with stuff like that if you have anything to do with it...

now...I am gone!