Etiquette Question

[XOMichelle]

Originally posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Keep in mind, this bride is NOT throwing herself a shower. Her bridesmaids, sisters, friends, or whomever have decided to put together an event. It is not like the bride is going to refuse.

Maybe they don't particularly know that you are not close with the bride anymore, and feel you would be offended without an invite.

Yea Delta Beta Baby! That's exactly what I was thinking. Besides, why not go to support this woman's second marriage? What if it's her boyfirend's first? Mabye her mother in law to be wants to throw her a party. I see this less as a question of gifts (which many people see as the main part of the shower.. but you can always skimp! The idea is that you are just there, right?), and more as a question of making her second marriage as special as her first. Also, those poor second babies!!! They deserve to have a shower in their honor. I would feel bad for them.
-M

[Honeykiss1974]

Bridal showers for a second marriage (or beyond) are appropriate, but should not been done in the same tradition as that of the first. (granted, there are exceptions but this is in general). The "theme" persay should be more of a celebratory atomshpere, with gifts such as those Ms. Post listed. I have also attended showers where in lieu of gifts, donation were instead collected - no cash, just checks written out to a particular charity.

Same as Ms. Post listed for second babies. Only those that are family or extremely close friends should attend multiple baby showers. Your ex-roomates bestfriend from college (you get my point) should not be receiving an invitation to your multiple baby showers.

[AXO_MOM_3]

We had one baby shower for my first child. For each child however, we had a luncheon following their baptism/christening ceremonies. We only included close family and friends, and we paid for the event. But each child got some very special gifts from people. All got beautiful cross necklaces from their great grandmother, special lockets from a grandmother, silver spoons, rattles, etc from other family members, etc. My sister made each one a quilt, my mom cross stitched each on an angel. So anyway, they all got gifts that they will keep forever.

I personally felt we should not have second and third showers. Most friends come by and bring gifts for the babies anyway just so they can see the little ones. I have heard of other people doing dinner and diaper showers for second babies. That is what you really need - diapers, and gift certificates for restaurants or homemade dinners cause you sure don't have much time to cook during those first few feeks with a baby!

[SilverTurtle]

Someone mentioned the "not asking for gifts" thing & it reminded me of my sister's wedding. Etiquette tells you that the family is NOT suppossed to throw the wedding/bridal shower, because it appears they are "asking" for gifts.
Usually the maid/matron of honor throws it. However, I was the maid of honor @ my sister's wedding. So then another member of the party is suppossed to throw it. Guess what? The other 2 attendants were our step-sister & her sister-in-law (to be).
So I threw it anyway. My sister had a couple other friends that might have given her one, but she was young (19! ) and her friends weren't all that organized. So there are times that you have to ignore the rules, or at least bend them. I just wanted to point that out. Especially since I personally *hate* showers.

[aephi alum]

I don't like the idea of a shower for a woman's second marriage. To me, that just seems grabby... UNLESS there are extenuating circumstances, like the bride's ex-husband got everything in the divorce and she has bupkis for her new household.

I didn't even have a shower. My in-laws threw us a very nice engagement party, and we got plenty of gifts from that. (I don't think you are obligated to bring a gift to an engagement party, but that's just what's done, at least around here.)

For babies, I do believe in having a celebration for each baby, but not necessarily a shower. Every baby is precious, the second and third no less than the first. I plan to have a celebration for each baby I may have, but they will be Jewish baby namings, not showers. If people want to bring gifts, I won't turn them down , but I won't be expecting gifts.

I wouldn't be surprised to receive a shower invitation for a second baby, particularly if the baby is of the opposite sex as the first baby, or (as toocute mentioned) the baby will be born in a different season, or mom is expecting twins and suddenly needs two of everything.

As for the "naughty or nice" shower theme, can I just say UGH! Obviously a man came up with that one

[swissmiss04]

Now I went to a baby shower not long ago that was rather large for a third child BUT...the baby was born nearly dead and the fact that it was alive was definitely reason to celebrate. That and her husband was away on some sort of extended medical job so she was a semi-single mother w/ 2 young boys and a baby girl that was kinda in peril. The focus on the shower was more "togetherness" than presents since they certainly had the money. I think it just helped her feel supported. But the second marriage thing...let me get started a bit...
My cousin just married some girl who is fairly recently divorced. He's 22 she's nearly 25. The situation (which I won't tell details) is kinda sketchy and the whole wedding reeked of some tacky. She had a billion teas, showers, parties, etc. Granted my cousin deserved 'cause it was his first, but all the shit was focused on HER. Then to make matters worse she wore a strapless white dress and a veil. It's her 2nd marriage and it was in January for crying out loud. Our side of the family was like completely shut out of the whole thing and it pissed me off. Ok i'm done venting now.

[nyrdrms]

I find this post to be very interesting. I've never heard of not having showers for seconds, and so on, and I've lived all over the country. We even had a shower for my aunt who got married a few months ago, but had been with her husband for 19 years.

But I'm going to throw a new twist into this...I'm a bridesmaid for one of my sorority sisters. Her aunt is throwing her a bridal shower and she wanted for the other bridesmaid (another sister) and I to throw her one with the chapter. Not all of the sisters are invited to the wedding, and I told the bride that I didn't feel comfortable making the sisters feel obligated to go to a shower and buy a present for someone who isn't even inviting them to the wedding. So, the few sisters that are invited are going to her aunt's shower. Plus, we have two other sisters who are engaged...if we throw a shower for one, we should do it for all (which can get expensive). I'm just curious to know if anyone agrees with me on this--that you don't join a fraternity or sorority so that you can have a huge shower...

[ADPiViolets]

As far as showers for second babies go I think they are not necessary. The purpose of a baby shower is to "shower" the mother and father with gifts for the baby that they need... and usually by the time the second baby comes around, parents are all set with supplies.
As far as showers for second marriages... I think that it really depends on the situation. Sometimes, when you go to a wedding or wedding shower, you can tell right away if the marriage will last or not (I know that personally, I can think of 2 different couples that fall under this category). Actually, you can probably even tell that BEFORE going to the wedding or the shower. In the case of the shower mentioned in this thread, I think that is inapproperate... and not cause it's a 2nd marriage, but basically just because of the theme.

This is all just my opinion though.

[ADPiViolets]

Originally posted by greeklawgirl

Times have changed so much in the last 40-50 years that its hard to say what is appropriate anymore. IMO, you shouldn't feel obligated to attend...and you are certainly not obligated to send a gift. I think a polite card sending your regrets and best wishes for a happy marriage is plenty.

I completely agree with you.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by nyrdrms
Not all of the sisters are invited to the wedding, and I told the bride that I didn't feel comfortable making the sisters feel obligated to go to a shower and buy a present for someone who isn't even inviting them to the wedding.

Whoa, they wanted to invite people to a shower who weren't going to be invited to the wedding? Good for you for saying you weren't comfortable doing that. How TACKY!