The Institution Called Marriage

[MIDWESTDIVA]

I have to jump in on this too. Why do people think marriages are disposable today? Couples have one argument and they're ready to call their lawyers. What happened to "for better or for worse"? Maybe I am just naive because I am still single. Personally, I think the family that prays together, stays together. If God isn't present, the marriage is already on shaky ground. My aunt and uncle have been to hell and back. Both had drug problems and were doing all sorts of unspeakable things to get more drugs. But they have come a long way and will renew their vows next year for their 25th anniversary. Both of them are very active in their church and very spiritual people. My aunt told me they are happier now than they have ever been. If they can make their marriage work, I think almost anyone can.
What do you all think?

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We often give our enemies the means for our own destruction.

Aesop c550 BC

[LadyAKA]

I agree on two counts for the last couple of post. 1) I do see that a lot of male friends that are so called professional have many women, and mind you most of them are either married or engaged to be married... I said I see the point, and I am not blaming men alone because women are obviously playing into this and going along with it.

And I agree with Midwestdiva, in that we really need some praying up in our lives. Not everyone bows down to the same god, but we need to realize that we did not get here alone. A strong base religion and spirituality counts for a lot in this world. It sure helps me out in all areas of my life.

[Lil' bit]

I just have to say Amen... to Midwestdiva, LadyAKA and Shireen on the last few posts. I am wondering what happened to the time when people worked things out, for better or for worse... and LadyAKA, I know what you're talking about, my grandmother and grandfather had plots bought together also. My grandmother passed away when I was 4, 1979 and my grandfather in 1989. So, that is what I am talking about....What is going on with the way things are done now? I totally respect the institution of marriage.

[onesavvydiva]

LadyAKA, I call my grandmother, G-Ma as well!!!

I want the topic to marinate for a minute before I post anything...But I do have one question...Have any of you read "Men Cry in the Dark" by Michael Baisen, and if so, what did you think of his portrayal of relationships, and cheating?

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'Cause I'm a woman,
Phenomenally
Phenomenal Woman
That's me

Maya Angelou

[LadyAKA]

I have not read the book, it sounds interesting. Onesavvydiva, once you've finished marinating :-) please tell us about it ...

[Miss. Mocha]

Okay, I know I wasn't formally invited but I did want to add my .02 cents.

What I've noticed lately has been a very encouraging trend to me. My husband and I were married in 1996, 3 of our friends (couples) were married that same year, and about 7 of our friends have been married since that.... WE ARE ALL STILL TOGETHER.

And let me tell you, some of these couples have taken each other through some HELLACIOUS times. Everything from drug abuse, to chronic illness, from cheating, to loss of jobs, from repossession to foreclosure and we have all managed to hang in there.

What I hear from most of my married girlfriends (and I'll admit that I say it, too) is "Girl, I know him, he knows me, I'm not tryin' to break in nobody new." Believe it or not, I've heard the fellas say similar things.

My husband is a MASON, so we spend a great deal of time around other young marrieds. It helps. We have role models, because everybody has been married for different lengths of time, you console and commiserate with each other. I can tell you about how it was the 1st yr, somebody else can tell me how it is the 7th.

The bottom line is that marriage takes work. It really has to be understood and taken as what it is, or it can be very easy to get into an "I'm quitting you!!!" situation when times get trying.

I've been reading this topic for a while and decided to jump in. The trend in my town seems to be young people getting married.
This one couple (both people are 21) just got married back in July and are already getting a divorce. He's going back to school and she's back at home with her parents. I think the reason they got married in the first place is because they had a child out of wedlock and the girl's father is a preacher. I don't think these are valid reasons to get married, but it's just my opinion. I'll bet that this couple hasn't even finished paying for the wedding.

My cousin is getting married next June. She's 21 and the groom is 20. Based on our conversations, I've come to the conclusion that she is getting married 1)because she doesn't think she can find anyone else (she has low self-esteem), 2)just to say she's Mrs. so and so, and 3) to get out of her parents house. I can't see leaving one man's house to move into another.

Personally, I think I'm spiritually ready for marriage, but not financially or mentally. I think all three of these things have to be in sync with both people for a marriage to work.




[This message has been edited by c&c1913 (edited October 19, 2000).]

[Rain Man]

Well, this topic has been "marinading" so well... *Greekchatters shout in response "HOW WELL IS IT???!!*. It is so well that I had to put in my ________. *Match Game think music plays*

Rain Man LOLs
Alright, now to my sayso.

Recently I met a young lady through a fellow brother at my church. She was a saved Christian woman who currently lives in Kansas but will be moving back to my hometown in Feb. 2001. We have emailed and talked each other to death. We feel that each other is "the one" We have planned to date heavily when she moved back home and even have talked about getting married upon receiving my Master's degree (c. 2002).

Well, just yesterday, I received a very nasty email from her saying in so many words that it was over. Why? Well, she got upset at me (jokingly) tell her godfather that she calls me all the time. Her godfather told her and that was how she found out. Her email made no sense at all and I am still trying to figure it out. While I will not reveal the identity of the person in any way, if anyone is interested, I will email them a copy of what she sent me and try to figure out what she is talking about (and why she flipped out).

Nonetheless, the kicker was that I am not angry, sad, disappointed, or frustrated. Why? Because I have throughout the ordeal felt an unusual calm (God's perfect peace). I don't know if I will ever get married, but the Lord has confirmed to me (I feel) that I am ready spiritually, financially, and mentally.

Yall holla at a [non-Alpha] brother, now, yhear?

Rain Man

[Rain Man]

Well, this topic has been "marinading" so well... *Greekchatters shout in response "HOW WELL IS IT???!!*. It is so well that I had to put in my ________. *Match Game think music plays*

Rain Man LOLs
Alright, now to my sayso.

Recently I met a young lady through a fellow brother at my church. She was a saved Christian woman who currently lives in Kansas but will be moving back to my hometown in Feb. 2001. We have emailed and talked each other to death. We feel that each other is "the one" We have planned to date heavily when she moved back home and even have talked about getting married upon receiving my Master's degree (c. 2002).

Well, just yesterday, I received a very nasty email from her saying in so many words that it was over. Why? Well, she got upset at me (jokingly) tell her godfather that she calls me all the time. Her godfather told her and that was how she found out. Her email made no sense at all and I am still trying to figure it out. While I will not reveal the identity of the person in any way, if anyone is interested, I will email them a copy of what she sent me and try to figure out what she is talking about (and why she flipped out).

Nonetheless, the kicker was that I am not angry, sad, disappointed, or frustrated. Why? Because I have throughout the ordeal felt an unusual calm (God's perfect peace). I don't know if I will ever get married, but the Lord has confirmed to me (I feel) that I am ready spiritually, financially, and mentally.

Yall holla at a [non-Alpha] brother, now, yhear?

Rain Man

[The Original Ape]

Originally posted by AuLait:
Ape, I have no problem with your scenario in fact many people I know go through the stages you described. I'm not oppossed to much of what you said on that post. All I can say is that if a relationship is important to both, then they will do what they can to make sure its healthy and happy. As far as boredom is concerned, (I can only speak for myself.)i feel that friendship is important. If I or any man or woman can keep a best friend for most of our lives and never get bored or lose excitement in their company then why should that be any different in a relationship. Most of the couples I've been around have successful relationships because they are the best of friends.
What happened to if you care about someone you Make time. I have a friend in a wonderful relationship,her boyfriend always goes on business trips. One night he suprised her with a midnight picnic full of candles,flowers and her favorite music. She was in bed at the time so she woke up not looking her best but she says that he made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Curlers and All. Since then everytime they are apart from eachother they keep a journal of all their thoughts in general and of one another. When they see eachother they switch journals, so when the person is about to leave again they read what the other person wrote. (I think its a great form of communication for long distance relationships) In her book she has added pictures, taken excerpts from other nice love letters and so on. She pasted a scent of her perfume on a page of his book. Writes him surprise notes and letters etc.. When they have children they plan on showing their books to the kids. They've been together for 5 years and still very much in love.
As far as honesty is concerned. No one said that being honest is painless. I also don't feel that asking for honesty is unrealistic. I perfer being told the truth than to believe someone I love doesnt love me anymore. If its an affair then no man or woman should be robbed of the opportunity to choose whether they want to stay and work things out or leave. Yes I would be hurt, there is no doubt about that but I would at least have the opportunity to heal and eventually move on.
Maybe you are right maybe some women let themselves go after they have the relationship they wanted but you can't tell me that the statement doesnt hold true for some men as well.


Honesty shouldnt be something you have to ask for, it should be one of the things that special someone possess. Not just because it means something to you but because its an important attribute for themselves.

I'm sorry I'm just getting back to you on this. I agree; the statement holds true irrespective of gender. I really like that part about honesty.

I have a question on this topic. Is the American version of marriage THE ONLY GOD-ORDAINED VERSION? Could he also ordain a multi-wife marriage/setting?

[MIDWESTDIVA]

RainMan,

Are you leaving out some vital information? Girlfriend actually broke up with you out of the blue via e-mail? You have sparked my curiosity. Please email me at Midwestdiva@Greekchat.com.

Original Ape,

You have asked a very interesting question. Do polygamists enjoy God ordained marriages? I don't think so. But if they like it, I love it.

Also, on the honesty tip, men don't like complete honesty any more than women do. I have had several men pick their shattered faces up off the floor because I chose to be honest about my feelings for them.

[The Original Ape]

Originally posted by MIDWESTDIVA:
RainMan,

Are you leaving out some vital information? Girlfriend actually broke up with you out of the blue via e-mail? You have sparked my curiosity. Please email me at Midwestdiva@Greekchat.com.

Original Ape,

You have asked a very interesting question. Do polygamists enjoy God ordained marriages? I don't think so. But if they like it, I love it.

Also, on the honesty tip, men don't like complete honesty any more than women do. I have had several men pick their shattered faces up off the floor because I chose to be honest about my feelings for them.

Could it be that some people SAY they want honesty but can't really handle it because they only want it as a result of their uncontrollable curiosity? Also, could the TIMING of the honesty magnify it's negative impact?

[MIDWESTDIVA]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by The Original Ape:
Could it be that some people SAY they want honesty but can't really handle it because they only want it as a result of their uncontrollable curiosity? Also, could the TIMING of the honesty magnify it's negative impact?

Yes, bad timing can make matters worse. I really think that most people can't handle the truth very well. Especially if they have big egos like I do. But I also think that people usually already know the answer to these questions from which they expect complete honesty. People generally know when their mate has fallen out of love with them. The signs aren't hard to recognize.



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We often give our enemies the means for our own destruction.

Aesop c550 BC

[The Original Ape]

[quote]Originally posted by MIDWESTDIVA:

Originally posted by The Original Ape:
Could it be that some people SAY they want honesty but can't really handle it because they only want it as a result of their uncontrollable curiosity? Also, could the TIMING of the honesty magnify it's negative impact?

Yes, bad timing can make matters worse. I really think that most people can't handle the truth very well. Especially if they have big egos like I do. But I also think that people usually already know the answer to these questions from which they expect complete honesty. People generally know when their mate has fallen out of love with them. The signs aren't hard to recognize.

Being completely honest requires judgement when it comes to time. Many ladies wouldn't give a man time for a second sentence if he approached them and stated what was really on his mind. Oh yeah; that holds true for some women too.

[MIDWESTDIVA]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by The Original Ape:
Being completely honest requires judgement when it comes to time. Many ladies wouldn't give a man time for a second sentence if he approached them and stated what was really on his mind. Oh yeah; that holds true for some women too.

Not only do we know what most men are thinking, I dare say we look forward to it. (Why do I get the feeling there will be some opposition to this statement?) He BETTER find me sexually attractive. Likewise, I need to be sexually attracted to him as well. Men tend to respond more to visual stimuli than women. But it definitely works both ways. Believe me, when a brother steps to me I am thinking to myself "Hmmmm, Can I see myself "bustin one" with him?" Sorry for the crudeness, just keeping it real.