What should I do?!!? - Page 2

Rio_Kohitsuji · #1 07-16-2002, 02:39 PM

....I hope you had a pre-nup *nods*
Well, other than counseling and etc..I would highly advise you talk to him about it extensively and even become separted if you feel emotionally distant from him. Also, I'd advise you to get some legal work on the incident, because since you did find out (and hopefully you have evidence) you could rule in the judges favor and get to get everything he owns (or at least a really nice chunk). Monetary aspects hit those guys the hardest *nods* Well, hope everything works out in your favor

UF_PikePC98 · #2 07-16-2002, 03:10 PM

1. Once a cheater always a cheater?

What is your statement based upon? You and your friends expierences? I know many instances where a person has cheated once and never again. Some of which are in my family. Just because you have an affair once doesn't mean you will do it again. Obviously the man went somewhere else because either his woman didn't let him know how much of a freak she is or else she simply didn't do anything he liked. I mean look at Hillary, she stopped giving ole Bill "good head" and so he found some intern that was still in her college head giving days. In our species, the male is driven by the urge for the number of times to mate, not what type of person or their characteristics but simply doing it. The is most often noted when you are out at a bar and you see some hot guy leaving with some skank hoe. Its not because she looks good or is nice, but rather that he knows if he takes the skank chick home, he'll get some moo shuu. This is how many males are and any guy ( in this day of age) who says otherwise is lying. I'd say find out what the problem was as to why he cheated on her. If it was something about her that she did and he couldn't handle it, then she needs to change it if she wants to retain her marriage. If he simply was not happy with her anymore, get a divorce and become another statistic. Every marriage goes through some serious problem. The problems vary from Affairs, Death, Finances to past secerets, abuse and religon. What ever the problem is she needs to find out what it is and see if there is any hope to correcting it. I understand some situations are hopeless, but if everyone decided not to stick it out and see if they cannot workthings out, then we would all be children of single parents and be single parents ourselves one day. Cheating on your wife is a nasty thing to do and can be sticky if you have a bich. It will take a LONG time for her to get over this and for him to regain her trust if they do decide to stick it out. As for counseling, that is not a requirement. She doesn't need to pay some shrink to supervise the two of them while the "Talk" their probelms out. The can be civilized at their home and work it out.

I cannot believe that some of you can just tell someone to leave their husband on some chat board. Do you not realize the effects that could have not just her, but others around her? I am positive she has not explained EVERYTHING to us about their relationship, therefore WE do not know everything. There are always TWO sides to any situation. Some of you are acting like this is Sex and The City and you all are that little red headed witch from hell. Despite what some of you may believe, Sex and the City is not based on a true story and is not the real world. With that said, it is not hard to realize that it is much easier for you women to sound the battle cry with shouts of "DIVORCE!", "Dump Him!" and " Cheaters always Cheat!" when it is her husband rather than your own. Obviously some of you are not married or else you would not be so quick to say such things. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly and WILL effect lives other than hers in some way or form. Attorney fees in divorce cases get very expensive. My most recent girlfriends Dad was Lonnie Andersons attorney against Burt Reynolds in their divorce case and to this day she is still paying him the attorney fees. Do you all think that their divorce only effected the two of them? The seperation of two married people often effects many people within a family.

2. Boys suck? Women are just as bad if not worse than men. They can be a sneaky, kniving,back stabbing and grudge holding species. At the same time they can be caring, loving, forgivefull and most often take the place of a mans mother once married. Everyone has a good side to them and a bad. Whether you are male or female. Everyone has issues-MAJOR Issues, the only reason why people are together is because when two people meet that can deal with each others issues, they become a couple otherwise they would not be together. This takes time to learn what their issues are and this is why many couples who rush into things don't last.

James · #3 07-16-2002, 03:12 PM

Children make it harder do you have them?

A long marriage with a lot of shared assets make it really hard also . . . there is a serious economic question. Especially if his income is a lot higher.

In a lot of states the woman might not automatically get that much alimony, it has to do with time in the marriage and income disparity as well as wage earning potential.

Usually, marriages involving children where the woman gets custody are more likely to end off financially favoring the woman, sometimes by a large (obnoxious) margin.

Peaches-n-Cream · #4 07-16-2002, 05:57 PM

James raises some interesting points. Are children involved? Do you love him? Does he say that he loves you? Does he regret the infidelity? Do you feel that you can save the marriage? I suggest that you go see a counselor to work on yourself and figure out the answers to these questions.

aephi alum · #5 07-16-2002, 06:12 PM

Something else to be concerned about if you go the divorce route: If you live in a community property state (I think California is one and there are others) then in the case of divorce, he is entitled to half of what is yours, and vice versa. So if you came into the marriage with $1M and he came in with $0, he will walk away with $500K.

I reiterate that it's a decision that you and you alone can make. Good luck with whatever you decide.

aggieAXO · #6 07-16-2002, 11:38 PM

UF Pike,

Why do you assume that the man cheated b/c the woman wasn't doing something right? What if it is him? You are the one that is quick to judge. Maybe he is the one with the hangups.

Also, yes divorce is a serious action however if she is unhappy then divorce should be given serious consideration especially if no children are involved (actually, even if children are involved). I grew up with 2 parents that hated each other and they stayed together until I was 12 for the sake of us. Well I can tell you that has really f**cked up my perception of marriage. Kids are smart-I knew from the time I was about 3 years of age that my parents marriage was not normal-I wish they had divorced sooner.

Hootie · #7 07-16-2002, 11:45 PM

I pm'ed you! I hope things are going better. Hang in there!
Hootie

Pinkgirl · #8 07-17-2002, 06:42 PM

Wow! Guys, thanks for all of the advice!!! Yes, I do know it is ultimately MY decision and believe me, I'm really struggling with this! Yes, there are TWO sides to every story and I give you mine..uncut...the way that I see it. I doubt very seriously if my husband would give his side of things because he really doesn't see it the way I do (obviously). He has told me time and time again that he made a huge mistake (In my opinion, mistakes of this magnitude should happen once to be considered a mistake) and that he is ready to move on and make our relationship work. Do I trust him? No Why? Everytime he tried to prove himself, it was just an attempt to "fool" me again. (For example, he would change his cell number so I would believe there was no contact, and he would tell her that his phone was turned off because of the high cost...eventually, she'd call the number and ...well....you know the rest. But I have tried to trust...

Another thing....UF_Pike.....I did nothing wrong...nothing that I knew of....he never shared anything with me that he wasn't happy with...We had just gotton married...there was nothing I wouldnt do..the problem was...from the time of planning a wedding, marriage and post marriage, I never had a chance to experience anything and truly be a wife because this other person was ALWAYS there. We decided to have a child and after I found out about this affair, he had to go because I decided that I had had enough....willingly he left and I carried our child alone..Did he stop seeing her for the sake of his family? No, he went on..it was basically open season for him. I haven't filed for divorce yet because..well I figure I can milk it for what its worth...2 paychecks are always better than one..I know that he would support our son, but the question for me is one that I have been pondering for a lonnnnng time now....can I take another hit like this again.....Mentally, I can't deal with it..it 's not worth it...I m such a wimp in this way...Ive always preferred to be dumped...that way, my conscience wouldn't play these "what if" games with me. (CRAZY HUH???????) Also, counseling was discussed in the beginning.....this was another one of his attempts to get me to "believe" and "trust" that he was sincere...we were supposed to go seperately then together...he only went to 2 sessions

So what's a girl to do? Can u guys understand where I'm coming from?

By the way, HOOTIE! thanks soooo much!!!I want to pm you, but I don't know how....HELP!!

Cloud9 · #9 07-17-2002, 07:20 PM

When I hear about crap like this, I just feel more and more like marriage is a pointless action that I will never want to do. If UF pike is right, and guys are just horny forever and looking for the next piece of action, what's the point of even looking for a mate? You get married, get pregnant, get old, and meanwhile he's a dirty old man looking for fresh meat. It makes me so angry, especially for women that get into these situations and then are just trapped, living the lie of a "happy couple." Don't men have brains? Ok, these are primitive urges, but have we come this far in civilization just so guys can continue to ignore women and pursue their selfish "needs"? I love my boyfriend, and he's never done anything disrespectful of me or our relationship, but I don't think I would ever marry him, or anyone else for fear that "nature" will just take over one day and leave me feeling abused and worthless. Ladies, make sure you follow YOUR goals in life, and be able to support yourselves, don't be one of those people who wants to "stand behind their man", because you never know if one day he will be standing in front of someone else. I mean, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce people, it's crazy! I think that way too many people get married who should have just gotten a dog. NOW..., understand when/if you reply to this that everything I have just said is my opinion ONLY under the condition that UF Pike is right, that all men "need" to get booty, and if they stray that's somehow the woman's fault for not servicing him or whatever. If you can prove me wrong PLEASE do, I don't WANT to be right about this!

KSig RC · #10 07-17-2002, 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cloud9
NOW..., understand when/if you reply to this that everything I have just said is my opinion ONLY under the condition that UF Pike is right, that all men "need" to get booty, and if they stray that's somehow the woman's fault for not servicing him or whatever. If you can prove me wrong PLEASE do, I don't WANT to be right about this!

That's not what he said - he just said that, if a man's sexual needs weren't being met, that could cause him to look elsewhere to meet these needs. The same could happen to a woman, or for different reasons (emotional needs, financial needs, etc not being met). The man tends to have more of an emphasis (evolutionarily) on mating as much as possible, potentially exacerbating the situation. It's not that a man cheating is always the woman's fault - but it's not always so cut-and-dried as "he's an asshole!" There may be legitimate areas of the relationship where his mate was lacking, causing him to look elsewhere - in this way, he made a bad decision, but it's not exclusively his 'fault'.

Also - MOST IMPORTANTLY - All men DO need to 'get booty' - all women do too. Sexual needs are just as important as any other aspect of a relationship (and if you compare consequences, it might be more important). Each person has a different libido, a different need - but these needs need to get met, just like emotional needs etc.

Now, I don't know if this is at all applicable to the situation here - some guys just cheat for the 'thrill' of it, or b/c they aren't able to handle commitment, or whatever. But UF_Pike was inferring that we don't know the situation, so we can't assume one way or another what the reasons for him cheating were (or how to assign 'fault').

MavenofDrec · #11 02-25-2003, 05:41 PM

Hmmm,

I don't think this is fodder for a public forum....

CarolinaCutie · #12 02-25-2003, 06:25 PM

Well we sure appreciate you bumping it up so that we could ALL see how inappropriate you think it is...