Forgive & Forget or accept & move on?

[Cluey]

Of course, this is just my opinion, but if he has to justify sleeping around with someone else to make himself "whole," he should have never married her. If they were the right match, he wouldn't need anything besides her.

[winnieb]

A friend and I had this very discussion last week....why does a man cheat???

This pretty much goes along with what James said (damn, I am agreeing with you ALOT this week )

My friend I was discussing this with was a man, that has had several long-lasting affairs-----I happen to agree with all of this....

A man does not cheat because his cock is small--or because of self-esteem--- it very well could be because the she does not fulfill all his needs. (and vice versa for the woman who cheat)---I don't mean SEXUAL needs--- any type of needs, be it emotional, financial, or sexual. Cheating/Affairs do not start because of someone wanting sex--they start for other reasons--- to fullfill something they are lacking with their current partner. In trying to fullfill that missing piece, sex happens--thus leading to the affair. If life was perfect-- your partner made you feel wonderful, provided for you in everyway--put you in a position that you would never seek out another human--then you would not be put in a position to cheat, you would be with your partner and not with someone else. Cheating is not about SEX--it is a result of something else!!!!

And to answer the question, forgive and forget-- or accept and move on----- depends-- you would have to be willing to forgive and forget--- biggest piece there being forget. We can all say we forgive--but can you forget. If you cannot forget then, then going forward your relationship will only have problems. It is a tough call--- if you move on--was the relationship not worth saving to begin with. If it is worth saving and you forgive and forget--what happens the next time--- you know the old saying "first time shame on him, second time shame on you"

Really it is a catch 22---very hard to decide what to do, until you are put in the position. Either way, the decisions that are made run alot of risk.

And my answer to JAM's question--- "what changed in their relationship to make him stop?" -- my answer is morethan likely he got caught!!!!

wendi

[1savvydiva]

Originally posted by alphagam-alum


And my answer to JAM's question--- "what changed in their relationship to make him stop?" -- my answer is morethan likely he got caught!!!!

wendi

OH, I agree!!! I was taking a Philosophy class last semester and one of the philosophers, whose name escapes me now, dealt with moral vs. immoral behavior. He also introduced the idea that some moral behaviors are (stay with me here), brought about for immoral reasons...and in that case, aren't to be applauded. For example, if I decide that I do not want to commit fornication, not because from a biblical standpoint I feel that I am "Obeying God, and keeping to his principles", but because, I don't want to get pregnant, get an STD...then my actions are not considered moral behavior, because I am doing it for the wrong reasons. So, if this guy stopped his immoral behavor (adultery), because of the fact that he got caught, and NOT because he realized the immorality of his behavior and err of his ways, then he has not made a 'moral' decision, and therefore, isn't to be trusted.

In MY opinion!

[MoxieGrrl]

It is unrealistic to believe that any one human being is going to meet all of one's needs. It *is* realistic to believe that someone can meet the important needs to an adequate, satisfactory level. If that cannot be found with the person in a marriage, then maybe playing the field is a better option for this person. Unless, of course, an open marriage was agreed upon.

I didn't mean to sound glib by suggesting the small penis/self-esteem points, but sometimes in a mind-boggling situation, it's best to go with Occam's Razor.

[starang21]

Originally posted by James
Why does he have self-esteem issues? OR a small prick? Isn't it equally likely that he may love the woman he is with, but she doesn't meet all his needs? So he feels the need to wander to be complete?

then don't make the vows, politely ask the priest to not include that part. if you can't handle commitment, then don't do it. too many weak ass men don't know how do right by a woman.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by starang21
then don't make the vows, politely ask the priest to not include that part. if you can't handle commitment, then don't do it. too many weak ass men don't know how do right by a woman.

*swoons*

[librasoul22]

Originally posted by James
Why does he have self-esteem issues? OR a small prick? Isn't it equally likely that he may love the woman he is with, but she doesn't meet all his needs? So he feels the need to wander to be complete?

If that is the case, then he has maturity issues. I am the last person to say "well, settle for what you have, it's better than nothing!" (I would rather have nothing at all then settle). But if that man is not getting what he needs then he needs to move on. It is the EPITOME of selfishness to have some harem of significant others because YOU have complex needs to be met. Don't we all? Yes, we do. And guess what? Many people find a way to be monogamous and HAPPY. I say it is a maturity isse, because as you become wiser, you begin to prioritize your needs and realize that if someone can meet the ones that are most important to you, then they are Mr./Mrs. Right.

[James]

Normally I am in accord with you but well . . . settling by any other name is still settling. And you have said to settle . . hence the prioritizing your needs.

But in the spirit of your post: Maybe a guy has a multiplicity of interests and talents and finds it hard to meet one woman to meet enough of those needs. So he goes elsewhere to get some of them filled.

If I am reading most of you ladies correctly, a guys best bet is to find a girl that will rock his entire existance in the bedroom. That way he can seek emotional and intellectual needs elsewhere and be much less tempted sleep with those girls.

However, its often a shared emotional understanding that leads to these long time affairs.

Originally posted by librasoul22
If that is the case, then he has maturity issues. I am the last person to say "well, settle for what you have, it's better than nothing!" (I would rather have nothing at all then settle). But if that man is not getting what he needs then he needs to move on. It is the EPITOME of selfishness to have some harem of significant others because YOU have complex needs to be met. Don't we all? Yes, we do. And guess what? Many people find a way to be monogamous and HAPPY. I say it is a maturity isse, because as you become wiser, you begin to prioritize your needs and realize that if someone can meet the ones that are most important to you, then they are Mr./Mrs. Right.

[librasoul22]

Originally posted by James
Normally I am in accord with you but well . . . settling by any other name is still settling. And you have said to settle . . hence the prioritizing your needs.

But in the spirit of your post: Maybe a guy has a multiplicity of interests and talents and finds it hard to meet one woman to meet enough of those needs. So he goes elsewhere to get some of them filled.

If I am reading most of you ladies correctly, a guys best bet is to find a girl that will rock his entire existance in the bedroom. That way he can seek emotional and intellectual needs elsewhere and be much less tempted sleep with those girls.

However, its often a shared emotional understanding that leads to these long time affairs.

Let me clarify a bit. What I was talking about was realizing that no one is PERFECT. Your logic would assume that there is someone who will be perfectly compatible with you. I might just be pessimisitc, but I don't think so. To me "SETTLING" is just being relieved to be in a relationship with someone, no matter their flaws or yours.

COMPROMISING is what I am talking about. And if it is done correctly, those less important areas where you might be incompatible will either be obsolete or nonexistant.

To me, if someone is not meeting your needs, why are you still with them? There is no gray area. If you feel unfulfilled, then it is YOUR fault for staying in the relationship when there is an option to leave.

For people that feel that they have to fulfill their mulitple needs with multiple people, I say grow up.

[starang21]

Originally posted by valkyrie
*swoons*

lol...

but for real, we ALL have our knucklehead days (women on the side, all that other ish)....but some cats don't outgrow it. that's all fine and dandy, no one's knocking that. but if you're trying to lock it down with a woman, don't expect her to take kindly becuase you got another broad servicing you at work.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by James
But in the spirit of your post: Maybe a guy has a multiplicity of interests and talents and finds it hard to meet one woman to meet enough of those needs. So he goes elsewhere to get some of them filled.

If I am reading most of you ladies correctly, a guys best bet is to find a girl that will rock his entire existance in the bedroom. That way he can seek emotional and intellectual needs elsewhere and be much less tempted sleep with those girls.

So are you saying that unless a person meets ALL of your needs, you are settling?

Is it even possible for one person to meet all of someone's needs? And more importantly, what qualifies as a NEED? I'm curious as to what is a NEED as opposed to a WANT.

[MSKKG]

Without getting into a theological discussion about marriage, or sex for that matter, this guy is a jerk! Sex does not "happen." This guy chose to have an affair. His clothes didn't come off by themselves!

Marriage is not 50-50--it's 100-100. If one woman wasn't enough for him or if one woman couldn't fulfill his needs, he should have never gotten married. He is self-centered and cruel. If he spent as much time on his marriage as he did on the affair, maybe he would have had a better marriage.

Let's not excuse the mistress either--she did witness the marriage, so she knew he was not free. Was she hoping he would divorce Wife #1 and marry her (or was she in it for the conquest)? What a prize he would be!!! Since he had an affair with her while married to someone else, what would make her think he wouldn't have an affair with someone else while married to her?

It's like chewing gum in school--no one thinks the teachers know, but they do. The wife might not have known what was going on, but she knew something was wrong. It's my guess that this guy couldn't have cared less if his wife found out. I hope she can get on with her life. She needs to be tested for any diseases he may have brought home to her.

This makes me so angry for the wife--sorry if I rambled a little or got a little self-righteous. Stepping off my soapbox now.

[sororitygirl2]

Okay, I am not addressing the original situation... just some of the side issues.

It is impossible for someone to meet all of your needs, all the time. They are going to occasionally be some problems... deal with it. Just accept that youj are going to sometimes have issues in a relationship and find someone who you would be happy to work through them with. You know, someone who is perfect in their imperfection... to you at least.

After all, people screw up and make mistakes. And sometimes thei mistakes hurt others, but if they didn't hurt you, then that would mean you never cared to begin with.