Gay alumni

[ElieM]

I hope you give your alumni group a chance, as you say is your first thought.

Perhaps if they are less than welcoming, you could work to help the fraternity as a whole adopt the kind of non-discrimination/acceptance policies you seek in the other organizations you affiliate with, thus making your lifelong affiliation with your fraternity something you feel you can be proud of.

[Sciencewoman]

To the OP, I say get involved. College campuses today are generally going out of their way to demonstrate that they are non-discriminatory in regards to sexual orientation. We all hear about the bullying, but we don't hear as much about the college students who are much more progressive and involved in anti-discrimination efforts on campus. On the campus where I'm a professor and chapter advisor, the Greek system offers the Allies and Advocates program, which is a specific workshop designed to eliminate discrimination based on sexual orientation, and straight participants learn how to advocate for LGBTQ peers. I have seen a sea change on campus over the past several years.

[WhiteRose1912]

OP, the US is more supportive of gay people now than ever before. Be brave and give your brothers a chance. I'm from a midwest school and every fraternity on campus has at least one gay brother. Your chapter's response may be less one of moral disapproval and more one of confusion that you thought it'd be a big deal.

[DubaiSis]

Also, keep in mind that if it doesn't work out perfectly for you, it doesn't mean life as an involved alum is doomed. I've been involved with a handful of different alumnae associations. They couldn't have been more different, and I didn't click with all of them, but I can tell you for sure the first thing I do when moving to a new city (and that's been several) is find out if there's an Alumnae Association to join. I've made true and lasting friendships with women I didn't go to college with, and in fact aren't even realm of my same age. It would be a shame for you to miss that opportunity.

Besides, although it's not your job to fix the world, if you do see some anti-gay behavior in this collegiate chapter, you are in a perfect position to correct it or at least point out that they're being douchebags. We've had enough discussions about gay men and fraternities on here that I feel pretty comfortable saying if it's a large chapter on a large campus, the chances of there being at least one gay member, whether out or not, is pretty strong.

And this comment - Originally Posted by DTD Alum
a Jewish person is not going to be met with a comment like, "I mean jeez, enough already, we get she's Jewish, why doesn't she shut up about it" by simply saying, "Oh, sorry I'm late, synagogue went a little late," is not accurate.I've heard girls talking about another girl (camp counselor hell) who wears this MASSIVE gold Star of David around her neck! The star was no bigger than any cross any of those girls would wear. Any element of your life, no matter how small, that points out you are different from someone else can be found offensive by people with small minds.

Anyway, I hope you'll give it a shot, and maybe let us know how it goes.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by midwest00alum

I'm an alum that's about 10 years out of college.

I just moved to a new city for a job. It happens to have a major university with a very, very large Greek system.

I am interested in, and excited about the possibility of, getting involved as an alum. I feel I have a lot to offer, and also it would be good to meet people including the other local alumns.

The only thing is -- I'm gay. In the years since I left college, I've become active in the gay community, and also have a very low tolerance now for bullying and other behaviors that marginalize gay people. I'm not one to make a scene, but it hurts when I see those kinds of situations, and I hate seeing others get hurt or demeaned by thoughtless behavior.

So, I'm wondering about this choice. I might meet the chapter members and alums, and find them to be terrific people who could care less about my sexuality. Or I might find out that it is a place where intolerance reigns. That would be disappointing, because when I joined my fraternity many years ago, I always wanted it to be a lifelong affiliation.

Thanks for any ideas.

Bearing in mind that I don't know the area that you're moving to or how progressive the campus is, I would probably let the information out slowly, only because you want to be in control of the message. In an extreme situation, I am thinking of your personal safety as well.

If anyone asks you the "get to know you" type of questions like, "Are you married? / do you have kids?" etc., and you are uncertain as to whether or not it is safe for you to give them your "revelation", you can be somewhat evasive for the time being and just answer with "no, not seeing anyone special right now" (or whatever) for the time being. If you have a same-sex partner, you can say that you have a 'partner' and leave it at that (not sure of the verbiage for the area of the country that you're moving to. In Australia, "partner" is synonymous with your significant other, whether you're straight or gay, married legally or (ahem) "shacked up" (LOL...)

What you could do is contact the gay students sociey on campus (assuming there is one) and ask if they have any helpful insights about the campus climate for gay people in GLOs. If it's a large Greek community, statistically there will be some gay people but as to whether they are ready to come out yet, is another story. As to how "out" they are, it's hard to say. But maybe you can get a "read" on the campus via the students society and then from there, the chapters/ alumni.

There is also this website with a very good article:
http://www.lambda10.org/resources_gaygreekcloset.asp

When all is said and done, please think of your personal safety, trust your instincts from the situational / environmental queues.. (I read the Mathew Shepard book not long ago, so I feel very strongly about being vigiliant of your safety).

[alphafounder1]

Whatever you do, I wish you luck. When I was in school, there were several Fraternities with openly gay brothers. Everyone knew and no one cared. They were treated just like everyone else. I hope that is the how it is where you want to volunteer. Good luck!

[violetpretty]

It's tough to guess how your sexuality will be received among fellow advisors/local alumni/collegians without knowing the campus culture, or at least the region of the country. Are we to assume midwest from your username, or are you just from the midwest? If you don't want to share your city and the school publicly, you could find a GCer of that school to PM to give you an idea of how accepting fraternities at that school are. I'm glad you want to get involved as an alumnus.

As for Greek-wide events, this could be option, to contact IFC (I'm assuming you're an NIC alumnus?) to see if you can contribute in any way. Some chapters include LGBT programming in their member development programs.

As far as advising for another fraternity, that's probably only an option for their members.

By asking if you should come out immediately to local alumni, I assume your normal modus operandi doesn't "give you away", as in, you don't look or act stereotypically gay, so you decide how and when to come out to new people. Obviously the first thing out of your mouth won't be "HiI'mMidwest00AlumAndI'mGayHopeThat'sOk". How and when you come out depends on how gay-friendly you perceive the campus and the fraternities in general to be.

I hope it all goes well!

[moe.ron]

Wish I can say it's all going to be rosy, but it all depend on the nature of the culture. Some will welcome you with open arm and other will be very intolerant. Even my fraternity (SigEp) will have chapters that will be intolerant even though our national organizations is very progressive.

My best advice is to just be a mentor to the men of the chapter. Give them advice when asked and be there when they need help. Without knowing the specifics of the college atmosphere, very few of us can really give you the definite advice.

My old chapter was very welcoming of gay brothers, in fact when I was active, our alumni board President was gay. He was one of the most respected alum then (sadly my chapter is no longer active) because he was there when brothers needed advice and was always supportive of the chapter programs.

[ree-Xi]

The question that comes to mind is, what do you hope to accomplish by making a proclamation in front of a large group of people who you don't know well.

That's a literal question. Obviously, it's your choice how/when/why/if you come out (is there a more accepted phrase than "coming out"??). I think that you can only prepare yourself so much, but I imagine a few different ways someone might react:

- Some people will wonder what to do with the information.
- Some may think, "duly noted," and move on.
- Some may have negative feelings (I think that if someone is going to feel negatively toward your sexuality, it doesn't matter how you tell them) and react in the same way they would if you came out to them one-on-one.
- Some may think "I already knew that" and move on.
- Some people may approach you and talk about it.

The important thing is, what do you WANT to come out of it? Group acceptance? New policies in your organization? Chapter-sponsored educational events? Getting the whole thing (informing the chapter) out of the way at once?

I have to say that I have never had anyone "come out" to me, though I have friends from HS and college, and growing up in the theater, and who I just "always knew" were gay - classmates, directors, acting coaches, dance instructors, fellow actors/dancers/singers, fellow student leaders on campus, etc. So I don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of an announcement of sorts.

I guess I'm just saying is that you should know what you want out of the situation. Good luck with your endeavors to work as an alum - it's quite rewarding when you can give back to your organization!

[violetpretty]

ree-Xi, when I say "come out" in this context, I don't mean holding a press conference and announcing "Gentlemen of my fraternity, I am gay". I simply mean the OP allowing himself to not have to omit information when certain topics are brought up or to feel like he has to hide it.

I think the OP wants it to be known because he doesn't want to have to wonder if his brothers would still accept him if they knew he was gay and keep hiding his orientation. Just my guess.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by violetpretty

ree-Xi, when I say "come out" in this context, I don't mean holding a press conference and announcing "Gentlemen of my fraternity, I am gay". I simply mean the OP allowing himself to not have to omit information when certain topics are brought up or to feel like he has to hide it.

I think the OP wants it to be known because he doesn't want to have to wonder if his brothers would still accept him if they knew he was gay and keep hiding his orientation. Just my guess.

I get it.

I'm not saying that this is anything comparable, but sometimes I wish I can just wear a sign that tells people that I am sick versus having to worry about how I am going to tell one or many people, or that the truth is going to come out in some weird awkward way. It's never an "easy" conversation.

[pshsx1]

Originally Posted by midwest00alum

I think Sig Ep recently added sexual orientation to its non-discrimination policy. Trust me if that was in place when I was an undergrad, it would have been a major, major factor in my decision of where to rush. I wasn't sure I was gay when I started college, but I sort of knew.

Tangent: That's been in place for quite a long time now. Reason #61 why I joined.

Anyway, did you think about the fact that this could be an educational experience for the undergraduate chapter? I think of that every time I go visit another chapter.

Obviously you were of caliber to be apart of the organization, so show them what it means to respect other people, no matter their background, and also show how your unique experience (being gay in a GLO at a large university) shaped who you are today and also helped shape the fraternity.



Just saying, though, if I came to a SigEp chapter as an alum and I wasn't welcomed b/c of who I am, some serious hell would be raised.