So I typed all of this directly in the reply box, my session timed out, and I’ve had to rewrite it
Sorry about that.
Day 4 - Philanthropy Day
Walking home with
Parvati, she told me that after thinking it over, she had realized that she was being silly about
Ginny – she liked all the
Ginnys she knew, what was her problem…that they
didn't have a stereotype? I smiled, glad that I had gotten to know
Parvati during rush and wondering if we would end up sisters.
It was around this time the first girls started dropping out. Very rarely are girls released at our school, though they may only end up attending parties for one chapter that they don’t want and drop out. The drop in members wasn’t huge this day, but it was noticeable.
Anyway, the time it took to get our schedules felt like forever. When they finally called me up to get mine, I unfolded it to reveal:
Bill
Ginny
Percy
Wait, what? The bottom of my stomach dropped out, and I frantically reread it. No, it wasn’t a mistake;
Fred really wasn’t there. How could my instincts have been so wrong? I didn’t want
Fred for their prestige or any of the other silly reasons girls think they want houses that they wouldn’t fit in, I wanted them because I felt a sense of belonging. I did not want to be that girl who sobs hysterically in front of everyone, because I knew I had gotten a full schedule and two of my top three, but I felt so full of emotions and confusion that I felt like I was going to burst. So I numbly excused myself to the restroom. Our schedules allow for a good amount of time in between receiving our schedules and our first party, for which I am infinitely grateful. I immediately pulled out my phone and began dialing – I needed to talk to my mom, my roommate, anyone. Neither answered their phones, which only added to the hysteria slowly creeping in.
“Sherry? Are you okay?”
Hermione poked her head in. For some reason, the concern on her face, tinged with a touch of pity, pushed me over the edge. I burst into tears.
“It was just really hard for me to put myself out there and even rush in the first place, and I feel like I’ve just been punched in the stomach after all that and it’s so hard not to take it as a personal rejection,” I babbled to
Hermione (or something like that, who knows what actually came out of my mouth at that point in time). I knew that there were deeper issues at hand than just not getting to be a
Fred, and that the emotional process of recruitment, coupled with a lack of sleep and what I later would find out to be bronchitis, wasn’t making things any better, but knowing why you feel a certain way doesn’t stop you from feeling it. I felt pathetic for crying (which of course made me cry even more), and obnoxious for having assumed I would get everyone I wanted during recruitment.
Hermione patted my back and told me that she thought we were very similar as far as having to push ourselves to put ourselves out there, and told me her rush experience had been similar to mine as well. She was so supportive and knew exactly what to say. My mom called me back and told me how proud she was of me for even taking a risk and going through recruitment. When I got off the phone with her,
Hermione gently reminded me that I had been asked back to three parties, and asked whether I would be going.
I nodded; there was no reason to not continue. If I didn’t feel right accepting a bid in the end, I wouldn’t.
Bill’s philanthropy was one I felt passionate about, so I knew that it was a good first party to cheer me up.
Hermione walked me to the door to
Bill’s party even though she wasn’t one of the Rho Chis assigned to escort our group. I thought I had gotten pretty well cleaned up and I hoped they wouldn’t notice my red-rimmed eyes. I saw the girl who lived near me back home(let’s call her
Katie Bell), and she immediately went about making sure I got to talk to other
Bills who were also passionate about their faith. I really appreciated all the effort she went to. I left still unsure whether I would be able to fit in as a
Bill, but glad I had been invited back.
Ginny’s room was across the hall from
Fred’s, and I tried not to look at the girls standing in line, knowing I wasn’t quite strong enough for that yet. I would get over the upset, but the wound was a little too fresh. Anyway, I mainly talked to two girls, and got along great with the first. The second was a fellow Young Life leader’s little, and while we had pleasant enough conversation, there were a few stumbles. I worried that I had focused too much on the craft and that was why the few awkward silences descended. I was also quite honestly spent at this point in time; I had just emotionally been through the wringer, had been getting very little sleep throughout recruitment (the parties didn’t end too late, but I still had homework to do!), and was starting to get sick. I honestly felt too drained to even worry that my perfectionism about the craft had ruined my chances. At this point, what would happen would happen. I left this party still conflicted about
Ginny.
It was going to be hard for me at
Percy. Each round of cuts, I had opened my slip to see their name instead of one of my top houses. That was a horrible way of looking at it, but the though came unbidden to my mind and I had a hard time chasing it away. I’ll reiterate that it wasn’t because of their reputation that I wasn’t interested, it was because I really felt uncomfortable and felt like they weren’t necessarily inviting me back because they could see me there; they could be inviting me back because they needed to maximize their options. I decided once again the best thing to do would let the other PNM lead the conversation if I was double-rushed, and to express uncertainty about joining a sorority without letting on that it was them I was uncertain about. I didn’t want to be dishonest and I also didn’t want to be rude. If I went Greek, I was going to see these girls at events, and there were a few that I already had classes with and would never in a million years want to be rude to. Basically, I was going to be toeing a tightrope all night. I was happy to note that at this point in time, several of the girls in line were only going to
Percy or had really wanted
Percy, so the
Percys would probably end up with a good group of girls despite their struggling at formal recruitment. At the party, another chapter was there to help out, and some seemed very condescending towards the
Percys. From their attitudes, it seemed like they wanted to make it clear that the
Percys at their school had a very different reputation. I felt awful. I have a tendency to feel guilty over things I can’t control, like not feeling like I belonged with the
Percys. Basically, this party was not good, as I was completely spent, feeling guilty and nervous I would either make it sound like I really wanted to come back or slip and say something rude. I focused on the craft to calm myself down a little.
My rankings that night were easy. I ranked
Percy as my bottom, but realized that I was grateful we didn’t have to rank the other two that night. I had been comforted by
Katie Bell that there were currently girls in
Bill who shared my values, but my conversation with
Millicent the other night had rattled me – what about the PNMs who might be attracted to
Bill because of the reputation? Would my pledge class be a lot of party girls? And
Ginny, why was every night more confusing than the next with
Ginny? I had gone into rush thinking I would certainly accept a bid from
Ginny if I received one; as the week had gone on, that certainty had wavered at times.
Parvati had been dropped from
Ginny, and had decided to drop out of rush. I walked home alone and confused.
Linear Mode
