Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

She DID have them:



They didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, hence this thread. She was hoping she could go back to her sisters with pages of GC reinforcement saying "See, a bunch of random 'Greeks' on the internet agree that I should live with boytoy!". INSTA-VALIDATION!

We're obviously in cahoots with her sorority sisters.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

As the other side of the statistic (moved in together, had a baby but DID get married shortly after baby was born and have been married almost 7 years), I would have done it differently if I had the option to go back.

I'm all in your business but do you think you added unnecessary complications to your life by moving in together?

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I'm all in your business but do you think you added unnecessary complications to your life early on?

Absolutely. Especially the baby part. Right now I'm all because I know a lot of women in their LATE late 30s-early 40s that are just STARTING to have kids, and I'll be "done"* at that point, but early on we were broke, uneducated (ok, I made it through my Jr year of college), and living by the grace of God.

*You're never really DONE being a parent.

[agzg]

I would not have wanted to live with my boyfriend when I was in college.

[MaggieXi]

I lived next door to my boyfriend for 2 years in college. While it was good in some respects, it totally sucked when we broke up- Specifically because our bedrooms shared a paper thin wall.

Something to consider: what does your boyfriend want? You haven't mentioned that he's asked you to move in with him, just that he is moving to the town where you are going to be in college. He just graduated college - and now he is going to graduate school. Graduate programs are far different than most undergrad programs. It may not be the best time to mix your undergrad life under the same roof with his grad life.

Plus, what happens if the two of you break up?

[33girl]

First off points for it being a two bedroom. If you do end up doing this, as silly as it sounds, I would make it so that each of you has your own room.

As far as it being "improper" in the moral sense, your sisters need to crank the redwood trees out of their asses. It's no more improper than them screwing a guy in a car and then going home.

As others have said this isn't the dorm. Shacking in the dorm isn't "living together." Unless you have a very enlightened or very Felix Ungeresque boyfriend, more than likely the housework and cooking is going to fall on you. Especially if he has a busy grad student schedule. Do you really want to take the responsibility for that?

[Smile_Awhile]

One of my closest friends lives with her boyfriend. But they also have another roommate, and it's a three bedroom apartment, not a two bedroom. They were in the same year as you and your boyfriend- she was a rising junior, he was starting grad school. She goes to school in another state, but she tells me that it's worked out marvelously for them- but they were together for close to two years before that arrangement came about. And, they ended up sleeping in their own beds during most weeknights.

I personally wouldn't make that choice for myself, because I want the commitment of a ring before we even think about it. And there's no way I'd be making that choice during college, as my parents would refuse to support me financially, and I frankly need their help while I'm a student. You just need to think about all that could go wrong, and consider the possibility. For me, there's too many negatives to the situation to do it. But it is your life.

[agzg]

So I suppose I should elaborate. Full disclosure: I live with my boyfriend now. We're not engaged, we probably will get married eventually for a benefits/kids situation but we aren't planning on it right now. I don't know much about divorce rates or marriage rates of cohabitating couples, and to be honest I don't really care.

When I was in college and then grad school, I did not want to live with a boyfriend. In undergrad, I was too busy with Alpha Gam, Pahellenic, coursework and other school activities to have to deal with the "how are we doing, how is our relationship?" kindof things that tend to happen when you live with a guy. Besides, and maybe it's just me, but every fight in college was "The Fight" that was going to break us up. My boyfriend at the time (we did end up breaking up after I moved to go to grad school) and I were both not at a maturity level for things to not be so damned dramatic. I had roommates, and it was so low stress it was fantastic.

When I went to grad school and met my current boyfriend, the thought never crossed my mind until I was done. I loved keeping my own hours. Live-in and I are really great right now with not nagging one another, but still, I feel (just a little) bad if I work late or go out late with friends (not bad enough to make me not go or invite him or not enjoy myself). I'm held accountable, on some level, even if it's low stress. I would not have been able to deal with that when I was in grad school. I was working a ridiculous amount and doing hours upon hours of coursework on top of it. When I wasn't doing schoolwork or at work, I wanted to hang out with my friends (not always him) and not feel bad about staying out until 3am. I wanted to be independent and a functioning adult, making mistakes that only affected me and never affected him.

It works for some people. I have no problem with unmarried couples living together, and no problem with living with someone myself with no promise of marriage in the future, but I do think having those few years "on my own" either with roommates or living by myself prepared me well for living with someone, as did his few years. Because we were both completely self-sufficient prior to moving in together, we rarely fight about things like cleaning, taking care of a dog (and now kittens), cooking, paying bills, or work stress. In fact, most of our fights (which aren't even really fights, I guess) revolve around issues with his or my family (they looooove to put the pressure on either for babies or wedding bells). While those can be dealbreakers in relationships although they're not that for us, they're not the day-to-day little stuff that frankly I think would make me resent him.

Obviously YMMV - I'm not everyone and I wouldn't say that my experience is typical, but that's why I wouldn't (and didn't) live with a boyfriend while I was in college or grad school.

[psusue]

Now here is my little anecdote:

Someone close to me moved with his girlfriend after about a year of them dating (he's around 25). They became engaged and were starting to plan a wedding for this summer, until things started to go south. Now he is bumming at my house a lot as his ex-fiance moves his things from the bedroom into the living room as he tries to avoid her. He managed to get out of his lease early (thank goodness for a nice landlord) and he'll be moving in with friends soon but how freaking awkward is that? These are the things you have to think about-- how it may end if it goes badly. And college is such a special time for you not to enjoy while you can. Like others have said, you have the rest of your lives to live together if that's what may happen for you two. And talk it over with him. See if he has any input on the matter. It is a two way street, after all.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by spaceykatie

The house only holds 18 girls, and there is an extremely competitive lottery to get in. I've put my name in the lottery every time but no luck! I don't see it as something guaranteed to hold out for in the future

Yet in another post you listed "cost of living in the house" as part of the dues you were paying. Hmmmmm,

[33girl]

Originally Posted by psusue

Now here is my little anecdote:

Someone close to me moved with his girlfriend after about a year of them dating (he's around 25). They became engaged and were starting to plan a wedding for this summer, until things started to go south. Now he is bumming at my house a lot as his ex-fiance moves his things from the bedroom into the living room as he tries to avoid her. He managed to get out of his lease early (thank goodness for a nice landlord) and he'll be moving in with friends soon but how freaking awkward is that? These are the things you have to think about-- how it may end if it goes badly. And college is such a special time for you not to enjoy while you can. Like others have said, you have the rest of your lives to live together if that's what may happen for you two. And talk it over with him. See if he has any input on the matter. It is a two way street, after all.

Another friend anecdote: try breaking up a month after signing the YEAR lease and not having the $$ to either get out of it or move elsewhere. Yipes.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Another friend anecdote: try breaking up a month after signing the YEAR lease and not having the $$ to either get out of it or move elsewhere. Yipes.

Life imitating art...

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Another friend anecdote: try breaking up a month after signing the YEAR lease and not having the $$ to either get out of it or move elsewhere. Yipes.

I've seen this happen (sign lease and break up) and it's ugly. Really ugly. Friend broke up with bf and Friend spent most of the year hiding in her room or an hour away at her mom's place because whenever they encountered each other (which you can't avoid when you live in the same place) there was a huge fight.

I'm of the "you have the rest of your life to live with a guy" school of thought, but I also had parents who wouldn't have done stuff like paid my phone bill/helped me out/etc. in college if I had even tried to live with a guy.

They were of the "if you live with a guy, then HE can pay for stuff" school of thought. lol.

[AGDee]

How about: Bought a house together after living in apartments together for 3 years and feeling pretty certain you were going to stay together forever. Housing market crashes and you lose $30K each because you couldn't sell the house for what you paid for it and neither of you could afford to buy the other one out of their half. True story of a friend of mine.. and they were both in their late 40s.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by agzg

So I suppose I should elaborate. Full disclosure: I live with my boyfriend now. We're not engaged, we probably will get married eventually for a benefits/kids situation but we aren't planning on it right now. I don't know much about divorce rates or marriage rates of cohabitating couples, and to be honest I don't really care.

Obviously YMMV - I'm not everyone and I wouldn't say that my experience is typical, but that's why I wouldn't (and didn't) live with a boyfriend while I was in college or grad school.

My sitch is similar. I lived in the dorm, house, and apartment w/roomies in college. Post-college, I actually lived at home for a year, and then bought a condo. I had been living entirely by myself for over five years when Mr. DBB moved in.

On one hand, it made "financial sense" for us not to pay a rent and a mortgage when he spent every night here anyway, but on the other hand, I could cover all of the bills on my own if I needed to, so it's not like the stay-together-for-the-lease situations I've seen with other friends.

Certainly living together has its great moments: I get off the train and he's walked down to the station to meet me, I love cooking for two, etc., but it also puts a whole new level of stress on a relationship in other ways. One is that you take each other for granted...when you see each other every day, sometimes you forget to plan time to really spend together and have fun. Another is that you don't actually have your own space any more, so you may have to negotiate that you want him to leave the house for a while or something.

As far as marriage, it's not really a priority for us right now. We were talking about it before I quit my job, because I had great health insurance, but now that we are both students it would actually be worse for our finances. There are some legal benefits that come with marriage, obviously, but a lot of the things that are always cited (e.g. "you can visit each other in the hospital") are simply granted to us through hetero-normative privilege.

In any case, I never would have done this as a younger woman. I don't think you know anything about yourself until you are, say, 25, and you don't know much about the other person, either.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by AnotherKD

On another note, this forum is starting to get a lot like Dear Abby lately, isn't it???

I say leave Abby alone and go ask Alice. *ba-dum-chh*

Originally Posted by spaceykatie

One of the biggest issues I had then, though, was the ridicule I faced from my sorority sisters and friends. They thought we were too young and it was improper to live together.

Was there more to it or was that it? Because if that's ridicule to you, your feelings must get hurt an awful lot.

Originally Posted by 33girl

First off points for it being a two bedroom. If you do end up doing this, as silly as it sounds, I would make it so that each of you has your own room.

That's the only way I would even consider it even with the promise of marriage. I want a room where I can go hide even when I'm married (and I full support my husband having a man-cave). There are times when I need my own space and when I don't have it, I get....well I can get into a mood that is NOT conducive for sustaining a relationship/marriage. This is one of the many things that tells me I'm not ready to cohabitate, marry, or reproduce but I think a little of that will linger even as I mature--part of it's just who I am. If you're considering living with another person, really think if you can handle not having that space when you guys fight, when you're not feeling well, when your mood is funky, etc.

ETA: And I just happened to hear a Taylor Swift song on Grey's that I looked up on Youtube. Ironically, this the comment at the top:

This song is exactly the story of my life right now.. After 3 years living together he just wants to quit.. So after all im not his princes.. this aint a fairytail.. just gonna cry now