Dating a guy who still lives at home. Advice

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by 33girl

This is the WEIRDEST part to me. I mean, most guys in that situation do NOT want you to come over and hang with the parents...they want to get the hell out of the house, whether it's to your place, a friend's place, a car, a bar, whatever.

Either he's taking this relationship way more seriously than you are and wants his parents to see you as marriage material, or he's got other issues. I don't think it's financial AT ALL.

That's a good point, but he's not like most guys or most guys I've dated. I'm not ready to be married as of yet and I don't think he is either. We're still trying to get to know each other. It really is a financial thing for him because we don't really go anywhere. We go some places just not very often. We either hang out at my place or his, and maybe a nice dinner on occasion. I don't mind that we don't really go anywhere, what bothers me is that he has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. He doesn't seem very motivated and that's what I don't like. When we're at his place, his parents aren't usually around because we spend most of the time in the tv room in their basement and they rarely come down there when I'm around. Just knowing the fact that they're in the same house doesn't feel like privacy to me.


I read all of the other comments, and I appreciate them. In the meantime, I'm going to keep my options open.

[33girl]

Even that (hanging in the house with the parents letting you alone) is weird. It would almost make more sense if he was trying to get you to get to know them, etc. At any rate, this is completely reminding me of Failure To Launch.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I guess it's a generational difference, but I just cannot wrap my head around how comfortable some kids (I'm considering this guy a kid LOL) are today having their parents all up in every facet of their lives.

[FSUZeta]

he's living at home(so probably paying minimal, if any, bills), yet you all rarely go do anything? So you are either using up his parents electricity and food, or yours.HE IS A CHEAPSKATE and that won't change. you need to find a different guy to date.

[AGDee]

It's possible that he got himself into a heap of credit trouble or something and is putting all his money toward paying it off. He could also just be a hermit type who doesn't like to go out and do things. Or, like FSU Zeta says, he is a cheapskate.

I'd be asking questions though, if it were me. I wouldn't want to be with a hermit type, or a cheapskate, or someone who just likes milking off mom and dad. Credit trouble, I could work with, especially if it seemed like he learned a lesson.

[RaggedyAnn]

I see it as a problem if:
1. Mom does his laundry.
2. Mom makes his bed and cleans his room.
3. He's not making huge payments towards paying off his debt and is only making minimum payments.

If the above are not occuring, he could just be a fiscally responsible adult taking advantage of a situation that he 1. can and 2. finds better than the alternative than being in debt for a lot of extra years.

[WVU alpha phi]

I agree with most of the other posters that he isn't living at home for financial reasons. That may be a VERY small part of it, but my guess is lack of motivation and being pampered at home. I moved 2 states away 3 months after graduation. My sister is 30, works full time, and lives at home. She says she wants to move out, but has passed up numerous opportunities to do so. I think its because she pays for her gas and car insurance and that's it. She's always had a horrible shopping problem and racked up thousands of dollars in debt that my parents paid off for her. So now instead of moving out like an adult, she chooses to spend her money on trivial things like clothes, vacations, etc. I wish my parents would make her pay rent, even if it was only $100 a month or something. She has no concept of money and does things like leave lights on all the time (this is in MD where my parents electric bills are regularly $400+), not clean up after herself, doesn't buy groceries, and so on. I firmly believe she will not move outt until my parents kick her out, which will never happen.

I could go on about this for days, as its something that's bothered me for years. Saving money by living at home is very appealing, but if you work FT, you can make lifestyle adjustments to afford to move out.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

He's not perfect, but none of us are, but what sticks out to me is that he's 28 (he'll be 29 in two months) and he still lives at home with his parents. He also has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. I asked him about getting his own place and he doesn't seem motivated to. He'll tell me that he's saving money etc. I understand it's hard to be on your own sometimes, but whenever I'm over his place, we have no privacy, so we spend most of our time at my place. I live on my own, and it kind of bothers me that he doesn't.

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

He's been out of school since he was 23, and yes he's got student loans to pay, but I do too, and I live on my own. It frustrates him when I don't want to come over because of his parents. He did have his own place for a few years but he moved back in with his parents because he wanted to save more money for a better place, and he wants to go to grad school eventually. Sometimes I think he puts its off a lot. That bothers me.

My first question was "Are you dating my man?" This is Chessman to a "T." Only thing different is that he did have his own house for awhile but, after he sold it, he started living with family and now is staying with godparents. Everything else is the same. He has an amazing full time job and just hit a huge promotion and STILL won't find a place of his own. He just passed up the opportunity to move because, and I quote, "I can live here for free." He's not saving up for anything, he just enjoys living rent-free. It bothered me because he is an independent man making more money than I can imagine and still has no desire to take that step. I have lots of ideas about why he won't do it but I'll take him at his word--he's cheap and doesn't want to pay rent. Ok. It may not be a dealbreaker for you, but keep your eyes open for another closely-related issue that is.

Originally Posted by angels&angles

Thought: How likely is it that, if you and this guy get married, you're going to have to take care of him? He's going to stop living off his parents and start living off of you if you let him.

Or continue to live off of his parents, leading him to choose them over her. That's an option, too.

[AXiDTrish]

This thread is screaming RED FLAG at me! Run, babe, run! I lived with my parents for about 5 months after I graduated....I paid them rent! It wasn't as much as I paid when I moved into an apartment soon after, but it was still rent help them cover basic utilities for adding me back into the household. While living home I paid for my own bills too. PS. I was making $9.50 working in a call center. If your guy is living home, he should be helping his parents with his expenses if he has a job. It doesn't have to be much, it just should be something. And I agree with a previous poster, if his parents are doing his laundry, cleaning after him, or making him meals outside of a family dinner, then this should be another RED FLAG! Hopefully this is not the case.

You've been dating this guy 7 months...and you say you don't do much because he doesn't have the money? Where does it go? Truly paying back debts/savings or he just doesn't have it. If you hang out at your apartment instead of his mom and dad's house, who's food do you eat at the apartment? Yours? Does he help you pay for it? At 7 months, he should still be wooing you. It's still a new relationship.

I am very opinionated on this topic because I have a friend who lives with his mom. His reason for moving back in was admirable at the time (his father died and helped his mother pay off the mortgage), but now he won't move out. Dude is 37! Even his mom is ready for him to settle down elsewhere. It's pretty pathetic. RED FLAG!

[33girl]

I won't say that "you should always pay rent" period. I didn't pay rent when I lived with my parents - just my long distance on the phone bill. HOWEVER, I was helping them in other ways due to my mother's physical limitations.

If the OP's guy was doing that, I'd understand that. But unless they're hiding it really well, that isn't the problem.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

That's a good point, but he's not like most guys or most guys I've dated. I'm not ready to be married as of yet and I don't think he is either. We're still trying to get to know each other. It really is a financial thing for him because we don't really go anywhere. We go some places just not very often. We either hang out at my place or his, and maybe a nice dinner on occasion. I don't mind that we don't really go anywhere, what bothers me is that he has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. He doesn't seem very motivated and that's what I don't like. When we're at his place, his parents aren't usually around because we spend most of the time in the tv room in their basement and they rarely come down there when I'm around. Just knowing the fact that they're in the same house doesn't feel like privacy to me.


I read all of the other comments, and I appreciate them. In the meantime, I'm going to keep my options open.

He seems like a major procrastinator. Like, one of those guys who says he going to do something tomorrow, and then the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months and the months into years.....into not doing it at all. I mean, is he lazy? Sounds like it.

[adpiucf]

He sounds like a loser momma's boy. Drop him. Of course, you won't, even though you know you should (otherwise you wouldn't be asking all of us for our opinion). He's selfish and lazy. This isn't someone who has fallen on hard times and had to move home for a few months to get back on his feet. This is someone who has the means and the know-how to be an adult and simply takes the easy way out. He doesn't exactly sound like a prize.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Or continue to live off of his parents, leading him to choose them over her. That's an option, too.

This is what I was thinking. Clearly, his parents (probably his mother, but maybe his father too) are happy as clams with the situation. He might pay rent, or he might help them out around the house running errands. Either way, it's a situation that neither party seems eager to see come to a close. If things do get serious between the two of you, would his parents feel entitled to give their opinions and butt in? Setting up those boundaries when you're getting married is too late.

I had a similar experience--my college ex lived with his parents after college (he's 2 years older than I am) and was pretty happy with the set-up. He didn't pay rent, but was expected to run errands and help out as needed (they didn't have a ton of money). He saved money, but it wasn't as if he was sitting on a major nest egg. When things became more serious between us and he moved, his father definitely felt the need to comment on every financial decision he or I made as a couple. Guess what? When we split up, he moved back to his parents' house. He's still there now!

Dee provided a good list of caveats. I'd include another one. I'm not sure if you live in a large city, but I have friends who expect to live at home until they get married. Part of it's cultural, and part of it's just that it's super expensive in NYC (not an excuse to me, but there you have it), and they'd like to have the money for a down payment when they get married.

On the other hand, parents of sons who are living at home tend to let their sons bring women over, whereas parents of daughters who are living at home basically still treat them like they're little girls.

This isn't a glaring red flag for me, but it's definitely a yellow flag. Proceed with caution--ask lots of questions about WHY he's still at home. Observe his relationship with his parents. Maybe he had a financial disaster that he's afraid of telling you about, which explains living at home?

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Eightisgreat

It bothers you for a reason. Ladies, your gut reaction is your friend. Listen. It is telling you something. It may not be just that he lives at home. It can be a multitude of factors that manifest itself in the "living at home issue." Filter out what you think is at the core of the issue. Is it that he isn't "man-enough?", is it that he sides with his parents over you and uses "I live at home, need to keep the peace" excuse...etc. Figure out exactly what it is and decide if YOU can deal with it.

Originally Posted by AzTheta

And, I would like to add, true not just for ladies, but for men as well.

Originally Posted by angels&angles

Thought: How likely is it that, if you and this guy get married, you're going to have to take care of him? He's going to stop living off his parents and start living off of you if you let him.

[PiKA2001]

I started a thread about something like this a few months back.
http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=115448

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AXiDTrish

At 7 months, he should still be wooing you. It's still a new relationship.

So after the "newness" wears off, the "wooing" stops, heh?
-Oh okay.

Random: One thing I can't stand is a man who won't do anything for his lady friend/take her places, and/or doesn't show his appreciation to her and for her. Or does things for her in the beginning, but as soon as the "newness" wears off, now he doesn't want to take her anywhere.

What's even worse is a grown azz, jellyback man who's still living at home with his parents, and on top of that, won't take his lady friend anywhere.

I'd leave that lazy joker alone, but that's just me.