Need advice regarding roommate and her creepy boyfriend

[KSUViolet06]

He sounds like a real winner ZTAngel. The gambling issue would have been the dealbreaker for me. Why are you moving in with and marrying someone who has a gambling addiction? It's not like it changes once you're married. Then you end up having to be the "money police" and try to make sure he doesn't spend ALL of it. Then it gets more complicated once kids come into the picture...

It seems like some women will put up with anything just to get engaged/married and be able to say that they have someone.

It's sad because she probably feels as though she can't do better.

I predict that they'll be divorced within a few years and she'll probably come looking for you and all of her other friends.

[WVU alpha phi]

I'm currently dealing with a friend who's in a TERRIBLE relationship. They moved into together after 8 months of dating, she moved out 3 months after when she found out he was sneaking around with his ex-fiance, and now she's planning on moving BACK in with him (breaking her apartment lease 6 months early) at the end of January.

Every day I get emails, texts, and calls about something he's done. Hanging up on her, telling her they never should've gotten back together, leaving her place during a fight when she's crying because he "doesn't want to deal with her." She bent over backwards to make things work with him and he walks all over her because he knows he can. Here's what REALLY annoyed me- she moved out into her own place yet just paid $350 to get a pipe fixed in HIS house because his heat wasn't working! AND she makes him dinner every night, he eats then goes back to his place. His excuse is that he doesn't like being at the apartment because she never should've moved out. Um, maybe he shouldn't have been talking to his ex-fiance every day!

Oh, and did I mention that he hits on me in front of her? We live in different states so I've only met him twice, but I get texts from her phone about hooking up with me, how hot I am, he'll leave her to be with me, etc. And she just laughs all this off! He said this stuff in front of my bf once and I thought he was going to punch him.

Can you tell I hate this guy?

[Kevin]

One of my wife's friends has a relationship like the one you just described... although those two have a kid (he's never paid a dime of child support) and live in different states, the jackass still finds ways to make her miserable despite the fact he's a 10 hour drive away.

I just can't comprehend why anyone would keep in contact with someone who was abusive or obviously incompatible.

Threads like this make me thankful for my wife

[KSUViolet06]

It seems like everyone's got one of these. I have a friend who is engaged to a guy whom we all hate.

He was 25 when they met and she was 20. He liked to tell her what to do, and she thought it was "cute." He pretty much controlled her social life. For example, if we were going to do a "girl's night," he would give her a hard time about going somewhere without him. So she only went places when he was invited to come along.

After 6 months of dating, they got engaged. She (against her parents wishes) broke her dorm room contract (she was 20 and a college soph) to move 45 minutes away into his house.

She's now 23. They still live together and have been engaged for 3 years. They have pushed back the wedding date 3 times, because at least once a year, they have a big blow up, he calls the wedding off, kicks her out, says he's sorry and takes her back, and they start planning all over again.

He controls everything. It's his house, and he controls where she goes and who she hangs out with. She complies because she doesn't want to get into an argument and get kicked out of the house.

He even controls the wedding planning. For example, he just found out that her dad doesn't like him, so no one on her dad's side of the family is invited. The venue is in his hometown. He chose the colors. He even chose the women who would be in her bridal party (he told her that he wouldn't marry her if her best friend was a bridesmaid). When confronted by friends and asked "why do you let him have so much control over stuff?" She says that she "just wants to get married and doesn't really care about the silly details." Um, favors are silly details! Telling you who to invite is more than a silly detail.

Yet she does everything he says because she loves him. It's really sad.

[UofISigKap]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

He controls everything....Yet she does everything he says because she loves him. It's really sad.

I am fearful for your friend's future and safety.

[VandalSquirrel]

I am so glad I got out of my situation before it came to any of these stories. I saw it starting and there were enough warning signs that were apparent to me and others that it was a lot easier to end it. The thing is even if you leave, these kind of men work hard to keep some kind of hold or connection, and that can drag out and it still isn't over.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by UofISigKap

I am fearful for your friend's future and safety.

I am as well, but really, there's nothing anyone can do if she doesn't feel like this is a problem right now. She doesn't really call any of us, because she kind of knows that we don't like him. I think she'll eventually come around and realize that this isn't a good situation, I just hope she realizes it before the abuse turns physical.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

he just found out that her dad doesn't like him, so no one on her dad's side of the family is invited.

It sounds to me like her Dad dislikes him for good reason.

My Dad disliked my now-ex brother in law. My sister insisted on marrying an idiot and having 4 kids with him. Now, she has finally seen the light and is going to be paying financially for her mistake for the rest of her life.

The older I get, I the more I appreciate just how smart my parents really are.

[shultzz]

Originally Posted by ZTAngel

Ok, so my roommate has a creepy boyfriend. But, he's not even really her boyfriend. Here's the situation:

My roomie has a long history of horrible relationships. None were abusive or anything; her relationships always ended with the guy screwing her over (cheating on her, stopped calling her, etc.). This guy, Jay, who she's with now is one of those guys. They started dating December 2001. Everything started out fine. He went home for winter break and just stopped calling her. They didn't speak again until Summer 2002. They started getting back together again. This is when the weird stuff happened. My roomie was living with her best friend, Kate, at the time. I'm not sure exactly of the situation (although it's starting to become more clear to me now) but Kate and my roomie got in a huge fight over something that happened with Jay. Kate and my roomie had been best friends since elementary school. When they moved out, they were no longer on speaking terms. They haven't spoke since. Jay ended up screwing my roommate over again (stopped calling her and wouldn't answer the phone when she called). They started dating, again, February 2003. Everything was going fine and then he pulled the same crap again in May. A few weeks later, they got back together and they've been ok ever since (until he screws her over again......).
Jay is a creepy little bastard. For starters, he won't put a title on their relationship. She keeps asking if they're boyfriend and girlfriend and his response is, "I don't want to label us." Jay seems like the type that's always looking for something better. The reason why he stopped calling my roommate the last 3 times was because he found someone else who he thought would be better. My roommate is a great girl but I think Jay is just constantly on the look out for something better which is why he won't put a "label" on the relationship. This is where the problem comes in.
I feel like he hits on me and my friends. I've been a little weirded out by the way he talks to me and looks at me. Nothing that I could describe...it's "woman's intuition" type stuff (all the girls know what I'm talking about! ). The other day, I came home from work and had a tough day. My roommate walked out of the room for a bit. That's when Jay walked over to me and started massaging my shoulders. I pulled away from him and he came back over. As soon as my roomie walked back in, he jumped away like 10 feet.
A few nights ago, we were out partying and I brought one of my sorority sisters with us. Jay was drunk and went over to her and said, "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen."
Last week, I had my friend, Jen, over at my apartment. Jay was there. She told a funny joke; you know how sometimes you might hit someone on their arm or pat their back if they say something funny? Well, Jen informed me today that Jay pat her butt. That's a little abnormal. Luckily, my roomie didn't see that.
The problem is that I don't think my roommate would believe it if we told her. She's so wrapped up in this guy and she's totally in love with him. She looks at him and thinks he could do no wrong. She's also in denial. Everyone tells her that he's a jerk and that's why he screwed her over 3 different times. She tells herself that he just got "scared" because his love for her is so strong.
It's a catch-22. I tell her, she gets pissed at me and I have to live with her for another year. I don't tell her and he'll just screw her over again. I also found out from a mutual friend that one of the reasons my roomie and Kate got in a fight last year was because Jay started hitting on Kate. Kate mentioned it to my roommate and it started WWIII.
So, my question is: should I tell my roommate or just keep it to myself?

Jay is a normal guy. He is trying to accomplish one of the most difficult maneuvers know to man. It is called the switch. The switch is when you go out with one roommate and then switch and go out with another roommate or friend.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by ZTAngel

She...told me not to bother to come in for the wedding.

This is so sad that my heart breaks for her. I have known SO MANY STINKIN' GIRLS like this and even though I sort of understood the twistedness going on in their heads, I wanted to slap them all the same. Some wised up and got out while they could. Some didn't. One is engaged right now and I'm glad it's a destination wedding--I have the perfect excuse not to go. We try to point out how much he manipulates her, controls her activities, and pushes away her friends, but she's just so happy to have found "a man who is such a great leader."

Originally Posted by shultzz

Jay is a normal guy.

So all men who aren't seflish, manipulative pricks are "abnormal?"

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

This is so sad that my heart breaks for her. I have known SO MANY STINKIN' GIRLS like this and even though I sort of understood the twistedness going on in their heads, I wanted to slap them all the same. Some wised up and got out while they could. Some didn't. One is engaged right now and I'm glad it's a destination wedding--I have the perfect excuse not to go. We try to point out how much he manipulates her, controls her activities, and pushes away her friends, but she's just so happy to have found "a man who is such a great leader."


So all men who aren't seflish, manipulative pricks are "abnormal?"

I'm kind of irked that no one said they thought my guy was a creep-o until I had already figured it out myself. What does it take for people to say "hey, something isn't right here" because if they had I wouldn't have signed a lease with him or tried to work it out.

I never realized that leaving is the easy part and the hard part is what comes after until I was in that situation. If I had known what I'd have to go through after the fact, I might have just played nice until the lease was up and I could get my family here and save up money to make a cleaner break.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I'm kind of irked that no one said they thought my guy was a creep-o until I had already figured it out myself. What does it take for people to say "hey, something isn't right here" because if they had I wouldn't have signed a lease with him or tried to work it out.

See, that would've been a very unlikely reaction. You see stories within this thread (and IRL) where friends tried to shed some light on it and ended up being cut out of that person's life. It's very common for a woman to choose a man and his nonsense over her friends and family (why, IDK). My aunt went through the same thing. So have I. My very best friend in the world was sleeping with a married man and I told her straight up that wasn't a good decision. With all the lies he told her to cover up the fact he had a wife, that he had kids...it didn't make sense to stay with him after she uncovered all the lies. Well, she broke off our friendship instead. I bet no one came forward because they were afraid you'd push them away and then have no one to turn to if your situation became dangerous. That was my and my cousin's reasoning was when another cousin was in trouble. I ended up saying something and guess what--she flipped out and we haven't spoken in a year. Now at least my other cousin is still in her good graces because if something does go down, she's going to need someone to reach out to and, because I spoke up, it won't be me (or her mother and sister--she's alienated both). It'd be a dangerous thing if she felt she had no one so we just want to keep at least one relative in play.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

See, that would've been a very unlikely reaction. You see stories within this thread (and IRL) where friends tried to shed some light on it and ended up being cut out of that person's life. It's very common for a woman to choose a man and his nonsense over her friends and family (why, IDK). My aunt went through the same thing. So have I. My very best friend in the world was sleeping with a married man and I told her straight up that wasn't a good decision. With all the lies he told her to cover up the fact he had a wife, that he had kids...it didn't make sense to stay with him after she uncovered all the lies. Well, she broke off our friendship instead. I bet no one came forward because they were afraid you'd push them away and then have no one to turn to if your situation became dangerous. That was my and my cousin's reasoning was when another cousin was in trouble. I ended up saying something and guess what--she flipped out and we haven't spoken in a year. Now at least my other cousin is still in her good graces because if something does go down, she's going to need someone to reach out to and, because I spoke up, it won't be me (or her mother and sister--she's alienated both). It'd be a dangerous thing if she felt she had no one so we just want to keep at least one relative in play.

It just blew my mind the amount of people who had no contact with each other, all saying the same thing after the fact. I didn't even realize there were problems until I went away on an archaeology dig, and his behavior was so out of character. Just yesterday I told a coworker about it (my boss knew for legal reasons) and he was shocked because my ex doesn't come off that way at all.

[GammaPhi88]

I just found this thread, and I can't tell you how much I identify with the situation. I used to be best friends with one of the girls I'm living with, but soon before we moved in, she got herself involved with this terrible crappy guy who likes to control her life. She had always been with one of those types...you know, she's one of those girls who cannot bring herself to not be in a relationship. Every time something ended, a week later she was with a new douchebag.

The guy she's dating now is unfriendly, emotionally controlling, and super annoying because he is ALWAYS on my couch and I can never get anywhere near the TV...which is my TV btw...whenever he comes up to visit (which is like every other weekend). I can't tell you how many times I've overheard screaming fights, him crying, her crying, ect. He is inconsiderate of the fact that I live there too, and is totally cold to me, in my own apartment. And on top of it, since he hates me (he thinks because I'm in a sorority I'm a bad influence on her and a total drunk. I'm risk management, but...whatever), I can't be friends with her. She's actually gotten totally cold to me since they've been dating.

So many weekends he's up here, throwing out any unopened alcohol that someone left on the table, because its "immoral". Yes, I know its cheap beer, and I'm not going to make this loser drink it, but its totally rude that he is throwing out my property.

It's sad really...I can't say anything about his unhealthy and controlling behavior because she won't listen, not that she listens to me anyway since they started dating. And sadder still, I'm so done with her that even if she tries to be my friend again after (if...well hopefully) they break up, I couldn't do it.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by GammaPhi88

So many weekends he's up here, throwing out any unopened alcohol that someone left on the table, because its "immoral". Yes, I know its cheap beer, and I'm not going to make this loser drink it, but its totally rude that he is throwing out my property.

I'm pretty sure he'd be paying me a few dollars. Either that or I'd definitely be telling her to tell BF to quit throwing away my alcohol.

Situations like this really suck, because the girl ALWAYS burns bidges with friends and regrets it when things don't work out.