Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community

[Jill1228]

Awwww this is sweet! My sister won't tell anyone about our dysfunctional family (and she suffered a lot more than I thought I later found out). She is afraid people will think differently of her.

I thought that way for a long time too, and then said EFF that...if someone decides to drift away from me after I tell them some of the horrors I survived, then they ain't worth it!

Thankfully my husband is very supportive!

You got a good one sistah friend!

Originally posted by Ideal08
I just had to come and tell y'all this. I mentioned in a PM conversation about my "friend" in Ohio and how I was afraid to share any of this with him. Now, he has been with me through thick and thin and knows all the crap about me, yet he is STILL in my life. So he calls today to share some stuff with me. So I decided to share SOME of this with him. One of the things I learned in the ACoA book was that we are afraid that if people find out what really happened in our lives/homes, they will leave us. I have ALWAYS thought this!!! It doesn't make it any better that my ex could not deal with my emotional issues. So the last thing I wanted to do was share this with my friend. But the Almighty showed me exactly why I love this man. I told him about the books and everything without going into too much detail. He told me that what I am doing is very noble and courageous. Why is it that I can never tell when I exhibit courage? Anyway, I told him that one day I would tell him some of the stories of things that happened in my house. His response? "That's cool. When you're ready. I'll never stop loving you." Y'all, this made me cry. Now I know why I love him so much. This gives me the courage to renew other friendships that I have "pushed away."

But I posted this so that others can see that people will STILL love us regardless of the disease that plagued our families. We can STILL have positive, loving relationships. Other people will never be as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

[nikki1920]

Something I discovered through my fascination with psychology, and dealing with people in general: when someone holds something bad in, it keeps the good things from entering their life. Patti LaBelle called it Blocking your Blessing. For a long time, I was very depressed. Only after I prayed for it to be released, and started talking to someone, did my blessings come.

So Ideal, and everyone else, please keep expressing your hurts, doubts, fears, etc. I agree that we (AA, specifically, and women too) tend to keep things internal b/c we dont want people all up in the koolaid, so to speak. That is simply not healthy.

(Besides, if ya can't share it on GC, where CAN you share it? :P)

(hugs)

[AKA2D '91]

I offer my support and my love, Soror!

[Ideal08]

First off, to Sorors ST & 2D, thank you!

Now, Bad Santa. Y'all (ACoA), if you haven't seen it, DON'T!!! Now, like I said in the movie thread, it was funny. There were parts that were funny as hell! BUT, there were parts that brought tears to my eyes. I had NO IDEA that Billy Bob Thornton played an alcoholic. I knew he was crass, but I didn't know that he was a drunk. And there are parts in that movie that are SO reminiscent (sp?) of my childhood that it was scary. There were parts of the movie where people were SCREAMING with laughter and I was totally silent cuz I didn't see them as funny. Example... he pees on himself TWICE in the movie. People were ROLLING. That was hardly funny to me. Either I take my life too seriously (which is seriously possible), or the other people in the theater had never witnessed someone pee their pants because they are in a drunken stupor. And I probably took it so seriously BECAUSE I had just posted this thread and started talkin' about this stuff. I'll tell you one thing, if I had gone to see it on Saturday like I'd planned, I would have NEVER posted this thread, and I probably would have left the theater crying. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.

Me and one of my friends always debate about whether to take movies at entertainment value or not. We spend lots of time analyzing films (and other media) and the messages that are sent. This time I'm on her side of the argument. The movie had a supposedly happy ending, but as far as I was concerned it was not happy at all. While funny and entertaining, the movie was SICK. And normally, I LOVE "sick humor," but not this time. I guess it was just not the right time to see the film. The entire time I sat through the film I thought, isn't this ironic? And I'm still thinking of some of the stuff that happened in the movie and some of the stuff that happened to me. Sad.

I think it's odd how I can be so conflicted over this movie, but I am. Weird.

[CrimsonTide4]

I can relate.

The first time I saw Friday. . .hated it. When I finally saw Next Friday and Friday after Next this weekend, I did not laugh one bit at the drug parts. Just ain't funny to me.

[lil_sunshine]

Good afternoon everyone on GC. My name is lil sunshine, and I'm a CoA.

I realized I was a CoA when I was in high school and I was telling my "friends" about how my father drank everyday to relax himself after a hard day's work. One of them said, "Oh my God, he's an alcoholic!" Automatically, I became defensive and told her, "No he's not, he just does it to relax himself." When I told my mother about what she said, she told me, "You know what? She's absolutely right."

My parents have been together for 31 years (will be 32 in April) and my father has never once, and I mean NEVER, proposed to my mother. She had been told numerous times by numerous people that he'd NEVER marry her. My father told one of my aunts that he didn't wanna marry my mother b/c he felt that she'd be taking something away from him (his opportunity to continue to whore around with any female of his choice). On a number of occasions, some of the females have gotten pregnant, but all but one of them got abortions. The one who didn't get the abortion went on to have my half-sister, who's the mother of my three year-old niece. My father tried to kick game to her mother and he told her that he had a daughter, but he and my mother weren't together, which was a lie b/c my parents were living together and my mother was about three months pregnant when my half-sister, who I'll call Hershey, was born (y'all know how long a gestational period is, so I'm sure you can do the math ). Her mother believed that he was single, hence the sexual relationship btwn the two, and my father's double life, began. Later, Hershey's mother found out that my father lied about his living situation and when she found out, she was already pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion so she kept Hershey. When he found out about her being born, he got to the hospital as soon as he could to see what the deal was. She looked like him and even had his peanut shaped head. My father used to bring me to their house so my father could spend time with Hershey. I was only about 2 1/2 years-old so I don't remember any of this going on; I was a daddy's girl then. I eventually found out about her from my big mouthed sister who's six months younger than Hershey, but she thought that Hershey was btwn the ages of 18 and 10. When she called my house on Sept. 10, 1999 and announced who she was, I thought she was just some dumb trick playing games on the phone. The convo went like so:

"Hello, can I speak to James?" (both my father and younger brother are named James)
"Who's calling?" I asked.
"Hershey."
"He's not home right now, can I take a message or would you like to leave your number so he could call you back?"
"Yeah." And she leaves her number.
"I'll let him know you called when he gets back."
"Okay thank you." She paused before she began again. "You know who I am right?"
"No."
"I'm your sister."
"Really?" I asked sarcastically
"Yeah."
"How old are you?"
"19."
"When's your birthday?"
"On the 21st."
"Of this month?"
"Yeah."
"So your b'date is 9/21/79?"
"Yeah. Why, what happened?"
"Ain't that a bitch!"
"What? What did I do?"
"It's not something you did, but what our father did."
"What?"
"You're six months and five days older than my sister that comes after me, which means that both of our mothers were pregnant at a the same time."
"Oh wow. I never knew that."

The convo continued on for a few more minutes with her revealing info that only someone who lived with me could've told her, that person being my father. She knew my sisters and brothers' names, my uncle's name (my father's brother) as well as other things. I arranged to meet her the next day, and saw that she looks just like my father. I still keep in touch with her to this day and try top visit my niece as often as possible.

As far as the questions asked:

1. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but would like to attend. I'm still contemplating on going, but I don't know if Medicaid pays for that or not.

2. See 1st paragraph after intro.

3. I've never read any books on the subject, but I did read a small pamphlet on the subject of alcoholism and realized that I related to the coping mechanisms of CoA's. Mine is overeating, my sister after me is addicted to clothes shopping, and my youngest sister's mechanism is indifference, for the most part.

4. I haven't sought therapy yet b/c I'm not sure I can afford it, but I know I NEED IT!!!!!!

5. The alcoholics I know are still in my life, I live with these weirdos!!!! Both my parents are alcoholics, my mother a functioning one b/c of severe depression. She's able to look at someone to see whether they have the "drinker's face." Well, apparently she hasn't looked into the mirror b/c she has it too. Being that I live with the weirdos, I choose not to engage in personal outside relationships with guys b/c I don't wanna let my guard down for anyone (another defense mechanism and Cancerian trait). I also find myself contacting family members, extended and distant, trying to hold the family together like I'm superhuman or something. I like my role, but I'm tired of it b/c none of these people really care how I'm doing otherwise and none of them make much of a conscious effort to keep in touch with me. I'm always doing the calling or e-mailing. I know it works two ways, but I feel that if I don't do my part, it won't get done.

6. It affects my non-romantic relationships b/c I only have one best friend and we've been through the muck of muckity-muck and are still friends. I'm the godmother of all four of her children. I have another friend whom I consider my road dawg b/c we're both SINK (single income, no kids) and we hang out sometimes when we have the time and money. I've known her since high school. I would like to have had more friends, but to introduce any of them to my weirdo parents is incomprehensible, if not embarrassing!!!!!!!!

ETA: I do drink, but in moderation and only on special occasions and I know what my limit is. I never want to feel like I'm too sloshed to know WTHIGO around me. Also, I try not to drink more than one kind of drink on any occasion; it impairs the judgement quicker.

If you have any more questions, people, PM me!!!!!

[nikki1920]

[sidebar]
Al-Anon meetings are free, from the little I know about it.
[/end sidebar]

[darling1]

Originally posted by Ideal08
First off, to Sorors ST & 2D, thank you!

Now, Bad Santa. Y'all (ACoA), if you haven't seen it, DON'T!!! Now, like I said in the movie thread, it was funny. There were parts that were funny as hell! BUT, there were parts that brought tears to my eyes. I had NO IDEA that Billy Bob Thornton played an alcoholic. I knew he was crass, but I didn't know that he was a drunk. And there are parts in that movie that are SO reminiscent (sp?) of my childhood that it was scary. There were parts of the movie where people were SCREAMING with laughter and I was totally silent cuz I didn't see them as funny. Example... he pees on himself TWICE in the movie. People were ROLLING. That was hardly funny to me. Either I take my life too seriously (which is seriously possible), or the other people in the theater had never witnessed someone pee their pants because they are in a drunken stupor. And I probably took it so seriously BECAUSE I had just posted this thread and started talkin' about this stuff. I'll tell you one thing, if I had gone to see it on Saturday like I'd planned, I would have NEVER posted this thread, and I probably would have left the theater crying. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.

Me and one of my friends always debate about whether to take movies at entertainment value or not. We spend lots of time analyzing films (and other media) and the messages that are sent. This time I'm on her side of the argument. The movie had a supposedly happy ending, but as far as I was concerned it was not happy at all. While funny and entertaining, the movie was SICK. And normally, I LOVE "sick humor," but not this time. I guess it was just not the right time to see the film. The entire time I sat through the film I thought, isn't this ironic? And I'm still thinking of some of the stuff that happened in the movie and some of the stuff that happened to me. Sad.

I think it's odd how I can be so conflicted over this movie, but I am. Weird.

its not weird!! as much as i like horror movies and psychological thrillers i can't bring myself somedays to watch them because it brings back memories for me. in the 2nd lord of the rings movie when gollum was having an internal struggle, folks in the audience laughed. i was in tears because it was too personal for me.

thank GOD for my husband because he automatically knew what to do.

ideal, i think perhaps for a while you maybe sensitive about most things related to alcoholism. just take the moments as they come. you will be fine. you are resilient, strong and courageous!!

[darling1]

lil sunshine thanks for sharing your story!!!

if any of you are looking for counseling or therapy session or even a good therapist...


www.nmha.org - national mental health association
www.nami.org - national alliance for mental illness
www.apa.org - american psycological association
http://www.abpsi.org/ - association of black psychologists

these organizations can put you in touch with local affiliates where you can receive low cost mental health services.

seek out your church. they may offer low cost counseling services or can link you with a counselor/therapist who can offer a sliding scale.

the nmha website is an advocacy website which provides information on which states provide the best mental health services. i am fortunate that i live in a state where they offer some of the best services. this information may help you when seeking out counseling. you need to be fully aware of what your insurance will cover including medicaid and what you may have to pay out of pocket. if any of you are currently on medication or in need of it at some point, drug companies can offer you a discount, i believe based upon your income (i think it may be $12,000).


i hope this helps!!

i am so glad that so many of you have been encouraged to share personal stories and seek out the help you need. you give courage to yourself and others who may not have that strength yet.

((hugs))

[Miss. Mocha]

I think that there HAS to be a pre-disposition towards alcoholism in DNA. That would completely explain why it runs so rampantly through families.

I always believe that people with backgrounds of alcholism either go 1 of 2 ways. Either they drink too much (have alcoholic tendencies themselves), or either they stay as far away from the bottle as possible. I myself MIGHT have two drinks a year. And that's fine with me. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I have never been drunk in my lie. Never experienced a hang over. Never want to.

My mother is not an alcoholic. I thank God for that. I am the product of a single parent home, and I always say that when children only have one parent, each breath that parent takes, that child takes. I constantly worried about whay would happen to my brother and me if something happened to my mother. If she took a sip of beer, I was right there, watching. Looking for signs that she might be a alcoholic. I was petrified of losing her. I was petrified of being an orphan. I didn't stop taking each breath with my mother until I had Little Miss. Mocha. That was 9 years ago, Monday, December 8th. I was 24 years old.

My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. Totally abusive, and good for nothing. My grandmother was one, too, until she found a lump in her breast, and was told to stop the drinking and smoking or die. I don't know how old I was then, but I have NEVER seen my grandmother take a drink or smoke a cigarette, so she must have been clean for over 30 years.

My father (or, "my brother's father, as I refer to him) was a total alcoholic. How apropos that my mother would choose to marry, and have children with an alcoholic. He died in 2000. He drank him self into a stupor at times. He had liver cancer, and refused to be hospitalized. He had watched his third wife die from breast cancer, and I guess he didn't feel that a hospital could really help him. He never told us that he was dying. We wondered why all of his bills were in arears, and why he was living with no WATER. After he died, we all realized that it was because he knew he was going to die, so he just stopped paying his bills.

Towards the ed of his life, he drank constantly, and was a total and complete asshole. He would say whatever he wanted and freak your feelings. One day he hurt my feelings so badly, that by the time I got home, I was crying so hysterically, that my husband thought that I had been raped. All I kept saying was, "Steve,(the father's name)". That was all I could get out. My husband was getting dressed to go mess Steve up. He thought Steve had attcked me. I barely spoke to him after that day, and he died less than a year later.


Now, I stay the hell away from drunks. I can't take the emotional rollercoaster. My husband doesn't drink or smoke. We don't have liquor in the house. I couldn't have it any other way.

[Ideal08]

for our new SF over on DST Blvd. Hopefully reading some of these stories will let you know that (as my man Michael Jackson would say) you are not alone.

[SouthrnBelle]

Well Ladies, since we're on the subject......

My father is an alcoholic / drug addict. He's been in and out of rehab several times. I remember going to visit him in the hospital when I was like 7 and I thought he was in there because he had to have surgery or something. I later realized that wasn't the case.

All of my life I have felt like the black sheep on his side of the family b/c I'm the daughter of the famliy disgrace. When people come from out of town or at family reunions and ask who I am, one of my father's sisters will say "Oh, that just so and so's daughter." His family won't even acknowledge that I am the only person out of my cousins who is actually doing something w/ their life. They still talk down to me like I'm nothing and when he owes them money, they ask me to pay them back! It's funny how he's the worst off out of my grandmother's 15 kids, but he's her favorite. He's kind of like "Gator" in Jungle Fever. He'll come over, tell her a little story, do a little dance, and leave out with some money.

My mother put him out for good when I was 13 and our relationship hasn't been the same since. None of my father's sisters knew how bad he was while he was living w/ my mother and I. As a matter of fact, they are just starting to realize it now that he got laid off. He used to be a family man now he is very distant. He missed my uncle's wedding b/c he was too drunk and high and he was supposed to be the best man. He almost missed my grandfather's funeral. Luckily one of my aun'ts was able to nurse him back to health and make him presentable enough to attend. He still managed to act a fool and threaten me after he had a drink though.

I don't talk to him at all. We can be in the same room and I'll look right through him. He didn't even come to my graduation. As a result of that he will not be invited to the next one or my wedding, or any other significant event.

I couldn't wait until Friday to hit the liquor store and get my fifth of Hennessey. It seemed like the only time I could be social was when I was drinking.

I'm in a realtionship w/ a very good young man now, but I can't even appreciate him. I think he's still w/ me b/c he understands without me even having to say anything.

I would love to get help but I don't even know where to start. I'm crying as I type b/c it's not something I discuss b/c people just don't understand. It seems like folks use it against you.

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by SouthrnBelle
Well Ladies, since we're on the subject......

All of my life I have felt like the black sheep on his side of the family b/c I'm the daughter of the famliy disgrace. When people come from out of town or at family reunions and ask who I am, one of my father's sisters will say "Oh, that just so and so's daughter." His family won't even acknowledge that I am the only person out of my cousins who is actually doing something w/ their life. They still talk down to me like I'm nothing

I had gotten to the point where I would drink and drink and drink and smoke "funny cigarettes" just to cope with everyday life. Luckily, I managed to maintain good grades, but my party life was full of alcohol. I couldn't wait until Friday to hit the liquor store and get my fifth of Hennessey. It seemed like the only time I could be social was when I was drinking.

The relationship w/ him has caused me to be insecure and not trust men. I think everybody is out to hurt me and I hate rejection. I'm in a realtionship w/ a very good young man now, but I can't even appreciate him. I think he's still w/ me b/c he understands without me even having to say anything. I don't want to be like my mother, lonely and sad b/c she can't be with the only man she truly ever loved.

I would love to get help but I don't even know where to start. I'm crying as I type b/c it's not something I discuss b/c people just don't understand. It seems like folks use it against you.

I feel you, I feel you, I feel you. Especially on the being social tip.

[Little32]

I am glad that I came across this, even if I am a little late in the game. I am not the child of a substance abuser, but of a parent with mental illness. My home life was chaotic for as long as I can remember: evictions, hunger, abuse, etc.
Many of the things that you all have written about, the feeling of not belonging, the inability to maintain close relationships--with anyone, all of these ring true for me.
Of course, many in my family also maintain that it is no ones business. And I do fear telling people about it, because in my experience they have judged me for it. I came to a point once where I felt that I could share this part of my life with people. I came to the point where I accepted the fact that this is not my fault--because for a long time I thought that I was somehow responsible. And then I told my then boyfriend about it, and we ended up breaking up after he mentioned it to his mother. So then I was back at square one.
Coping with this is an everyday journey, I am lucky that this experience has made the bond between my siblings and I even stronger--rather than weaker as some have noted.

[RedHot]

I am the daughter of a codependant. It has definately shaped who I am. I have a hard time with relationships in general. I don't suffer from low self esteen, but sometimes I question whether anyone truly cares about me. I had to cut off contact from my father for his behavior. I miss the great relationship we USED to have, but I feel he is more damaging to have IN my life than not speak to him at all. It's sad really. I am a broken person......... I don't know how I function so well.....