Move Over Heli-Parents, We Now Have Snowplow-Parents

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by thetalady

Snow Plow parents raise Snowflake kids. Not much of a surprise. What does raise my eyebrows is that both parties seem actually proud of the inability to live an adult life!

I actually envision these parents more like the sweeper in curling... smoothing the path, eliminating bumps and dings in the road ahead, directing the preferred way for their little balls of granite ;-)

THIS! That is perfect

[PGD-GRAD]

Thetalady—you absolutely DID nail it!! ^^^ (Where were you when I once struggled for good examples of similes/metaphors for my English classes?)

[Benzgirl]

Bad parenting >>>>Bad kids

[Remiechi]

When my children were small I was a big fan of Burton White's child development books. His intent was to help parents successfully raise children that will be productive and happy adults that can achieve professionally in the workforce, and personally in relationships outside of family. It was so long ago that I read the books, but as I remember it, he believes that parents should raise their children from the very beginning to understand that they are not special to anyone but their parents...and maybe their grandparents and a few aunts or uncles! The rest of the world expects them to learn how to relate to those around them without special consideration or treatment.

[NYCMS]

Per DaffyKD's post re: parents taking over the job search/interview process, a friend told me of a recent incident at her company. The CEO - unbeknownst to the young man and his father - was standing at the elevator by this college grad applying for a job at his mid-sized company. The dad was giving a pep talk - "Go get 'em! They'll be damn lucky to get you!" and on and on. Dad even went to the company floor with the kid to give a final push.

CEO went straight to HR and said that under no circumstances would they hire anyone like this. I have friends in HR who've said it goes further - parents call to negotiate the job offer, call to ask why their precious child hasn't received a promotion, etc.

It's no wonder that many kids experience mood/anxiety and other mental health issues now to the point that there are programs for the "failure to launch" and "failure to thrive" 20-something, not to mention that treatment centers are filling up with teenagers suffering from depression and anxiety.

I can only guess that these parents see their children as not only an extension of themselves, but as the parents' 'proof of success' in life, hence the hyper/over-parenting like this. Sad.

[33girl]

That’s why I have a whole herd of cows when I see the memes or hear actual people saying “ my children are my greatest achievement in life!” No asshat, an achievement is when you finish painting the deck in 2 hours or get a perfect score on a test. A child is not an achievement. A child is a human.

[OldFLDDD]

It's gone so far overboard with both parents and even with schools. My daughter goes to a (GASP!) public university where she is 100% thriving and happy. I got a lot of crap from local parents about sending her to a (GASP! Non-Ivy, less competitive school) when she likely could have gone elsewhere. Her college advisor in HS even reached out to me and said that we didn't want her to "settle" and that she should "aim for some more competitive" schools. I told him kindly to Sit Down because this school had absolutely everything on her must-have list and that it felt like home to her. I think that parents, as well as some schools who publish where students end up, get so caught up in having bragging rights to where their kids go to school, and then apparently where their kids later work. I'd personally like to have happy, healthy kids who are doing what they love in a place that they love vs. doing something more "prestigious". It's not about me. This even translates into recruitment, honestly. When my sorority dropped my daughter during rush I wondered if maybe I should have made a phone call and/or reached out to someone for "help". My wise daughter said that if I'd done this and she'd ended up in my sorority, she'd always wonder if she got in on her own merit or if it was because she had "help". Just like everything else, she'd rather be someplace where she's wanted for who she is vs. having a Mommy who bulldozed her way into it. Do I help her out with things when she's stressed or overwhelmed? Of course--I can help her think through situations and make calculated decisions, but that's as far as I think a parent should take it.

[GratefulGramma]

My granddaughter had to teach classes in her Freshman dorm on how to work the laundry machines; she had been doing her own since she could reach the controls. As did her siblings.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by navane

I don't think it's about the children. I think parents are subconsciously making this about themselves. It's not necessarily that they want junior to have everything, it's that *they* want to *be* everything. In other words, I think people are trying to win at the parenting game regardless of what that means for their children in the end. Does that make sense?

You hit the nail on the head.

My parents had a life script for me. My in-laws had a life script for my husband. (We didn't follow either.)

Part of my parents' life script for me was to go to an Ivy+ school. (I chose MIT.) But did my parents clear a path for me? Hell no. I fought every inch of the way. My parents didn't so much as hire an SAT tutor for me (and I still got an enviable SAT score).

It didn't even cross my mind, EVER, to ask them to call my professors or my supervisors to negotiate a better grade or a raise.

I don't get it. I honestly don't get it. I honestly don't get the "Mommy/Daddy, help me get this job / turn this C into an A / get me into Ivy+UThatICantQualifyForOnMyOwn" thing.

[chitownxo]

My mom is the Chairperson of the Nursing Department at a local university. She got a call from the mother of one of her graduate students complaining that the 7:00 clinical time was way to early for her precious princess. My mom declined to move it to 10:00. She also declined to allow mommy dearest to attend clinical with her daughter for moral support.

[OldFLDDD]

Originally Posted by chitownxo

My mom is the Chairperson of the Nursing Department at a local university. She got a call from the mother of one of her graduate students complaining that the 7:00 clinical time was way to early for her precious princess. My mom declined to move it to 10:00. She also declined to allow mommy dearest to attend clinical with her daughter for moral support.

Unreal. A friend of mine is a very "squeaky wheel" parent who is constantly calling teachers trying to get them to make special accommodations for her kids because they're "not ready" to take a test for whatever reason and then complains to me when the teachers won't do it!!! She'll be the same mom calling college professors and employers down the road asking for them to extend deadlines for little Johnny or Susie.

[andthen]

Several years back I worked for an NGO where people had to apply to volunteer in remote and extremely underserved areas across the globe. Part of the application process included a medical exam, basically John or Jane Doe applies answers questions about their health history and if they have any current medical or mental health conditions as people are often placed in very remote areas that if an issue were to occur it might be very difficult if not impossible to provide for their needs in country based on available resources.

Depending on a person's needs we could sometimes accept them because there might be an area where they need a teacher and they have available services to manage Jane's psoriasis. Total hypothetical btw.

My job was to review the medical application and depending on the issue consult with the in house doctor to see if it was feasible to send John to middle of nowhere Africa or Asia.

IRL I had an applicant who had a medical condition (which I honestly don't remember exactly what it was) I want to say it was a issue with asthma or something along those lines. So after review and getting more info from the person and consulting with the doctors it was decided that John couldn't be medically cleared. John was upset I told him he could submit additional medical info and appeal his decision.

I then proceeded to tell him step by step what he needed to do etc. Well not an hour later I get an angry call from his mom! My first thought is you've got to be kidding me. She goes into this who thing about how her precious Johnny is fine, she doesn't understand why he didn't meet the medical criteria etc. I then had to explain that I had a conversation with her precious baby boy on what he needed to do in order to appeal, and once we receive the info we'll re-review his info and determine if the original decision should be overturned.

For a kid who basically had to figure stuff out herself, deal with consequences of not getting a great grade, or getting that job never, ever, ever would my parents have considered in the least calling a teacher, professor, or employer to plea as to why andthen is so great. My parents would say 1. you need to study more, or 2. it wasn't meant to be, end of story and no more discussion.

[ChioLu]

What???
https://www.tmz.com/2019/03/23/dr-dr...-no-jail-time/

[APhi2KD]

I do agree with basically everything that’s been said, but do remember a LOT of this is a result of the national philosophy regarding parenting, i.e. the self-esteem movement. When this came about, we didn’t have crystal balls showing us that well-meant efforts to boost self esteem would have the opposite effect. It was also the time of a HUGE surge in baby/child proofing, etc. From doorknobs to electrical outlets to bumper guards for tables (is my daughter’s generation the first to reach adulthood without the ubiquitous “coffee table scar”?), we were bombarded with smoothing things out. The anti-bullying movement also has compounded the issue. Yeah, it’s serious. No, it should not be tolerated. But at what point are children left to figure it out? It’s a slippery slope.

I think I’m just saying most of those guilty of over-parenting did not endeavor to be THAT parent. They just didn’t learn when to turn it off.

[Sciencewoman]

Originally Posted by APhi2KD

I do agree with basically everything that’s been said, but do remember a LOT of this is a result of the national philosophy regarding parenting, i.e. the self-esteem movement. When this came about, we didn’t have crystal balls showing us that well-meant efforts to boost self esteem would have the opposite effect. It was also the time of a HUGE surge in baby/child proofing, etc. From doorknobs to electrical outlets to bumper guards for tables (is my daughter’s generation the first to reach adulthood without the ubiquitous “coffee table scar”?), we were bombarded with smoothing things out. The anti-bullying movement also has compounded the issue. Yeah, it’s serious. No, it should not be tolerated. But at what point are children left to figure it out? It’s a slippery slope.

I think I’m just saying most of those guilty of over-parenting did not endeavor to be THAT parent. They just didn’t learn when to turn it off.

I agree with this. This is not a recent phenomenon. Did anyone see the movie, "W," where George Bush was seen greasing the wheels for George W.'s college admissions?

The "8th place trophy" self-esteem movement was being discussed when I first started teaching 30 years ago. I've heard similar stories to those shared, but I think they're extreme examples, not the norm.

In the 20 years I've been a professor, I have had, and continue to have, needy students who want me to find, figure out, read, and solve situations for them on a daily basis. And, these students range from their twenties to their fifties, while others are much more self-sufficient. I am less and less convinced that this is generational, because we're about 3 generations into this phenomenon.