Asking daddy's permission before proposing

[Kappamd]

IT'S NOT ABOUT ASKING FOR PERMISSION!

[ZTAngel]

I told my husband to ask my father's permission. I would've married him regardless of what my dad said (even though I knew my dad would be very happy) but it's just a nice and customary thing to do. It's tradition. Like Kappamd said, it's not really asking permission. It's more of a heads up.

Every friend of mine who has been recently engaged had their fiance ask their father permission. My sister got engaged in August and my future brother-in-law asked my dad. Maybe it's a southern thing but I'd be shocked if I found out that a guy did not ask his fiance's father for his daughter's hand.

[AGDee]

In my day, it was about asking permission. Even so, my relationship with my father at that point in my life was awful. As I said, he "owned" me until I went away to college. He was very controlling of everything and I had intense dislike for him at the time that my first husband proposed to me. I don't think my dad even met my second husband until after we had discussed marriage and looked at rings. I think that life stage, the closeness of the relationships and the personal beliefs of the individuals involved are all important factors in deciding whether or not this would be the right thing to do.

For me, personally, I think I would be upset if anybody else knew that he was proposing before I knew. It's such a deeply personal and important decision. What if a man talked to your father and proposed in front of your family and you didn't want to marry him? That seems like it would be incredibly awkward. And, I really enjoyed being the person to tell my mom. It would have been weird to call her and say "I'm engaged!" and have her say "I know". I dunno, it just doesn't fit with who I am.

[thetygerlily]

I think it makes sense for some people. For me, I didn't have a bad relationship with my dad but I also wasn't close to him when I got married. If my husband had talked to him first, I think it would've shown that he didn't know me.

I also didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle. He was crushed, but for me personally (no problem with others doing it) I don't like the feeling of being given away as property. I know that's not what it means anymore, and not what most people see in it. But personally I didn't want it. So I had both sets of parents walk down the aisle and get seated right before the wedding party, then I walked myself.

But... to each her own. And I also am from the northwest, which tends to not really follow tradition and such. In the south and east where the communities are more established, I think it would be a different story.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by ZTAngel

Maybe it's a southern thing but I'd be shocked if I found out that a guy did not ask his fiance's father for his daughter's hand.

Some of us feel like our hand figuratively and literally belongs to us.

[ETA Disclaimer: I'm VERY close to my father...and VERY close to my mother.]

I don't agree with the belief that a woman leaves her "father's house" and goes to her "husband's house." Many people do, even if they have less blatant ways of articulating it. I much more understand the couple going to both sets of parents and saying "hey, we're talking marriage...we want to include you in this process...although, we're getting married regardless of your opinion...and don't give us hell during this process or you'll lovingly get cussed out."

But, I don't slam those who think the man asking the father's "permission" is a necessary custom. I just don't consider it to be necessary for my life and circumstances. I think that many couples that discuss marriage already have an idea of how welcoming their familes are to the other person/idea of marriage. Some parents will be like "okay...we figured as much...duh...you're grown...welcome to the family...just propose and get married already."

[lilzetakitten]

I'm kind of with AGDee... I wanted to be the one to tell people, and not have the response be "Oh, we knew all along." That would have been a HUGE buzzkill for me. I also felt that marriage was one of the most adult decisions a couple could make, so asking the parents' permission seemed counterintuitive. I'm really close with my parents, so it's not an issue with them at all, but they also knew that if any guy came asking them for my hand before he asked me, that he might get the answer he wanted from them, but wouldn't get it from me.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Some of us feel like our hand figuratively and literally belongs to us.

[ETA Disclaimer: I'm VERY close to my father...and VERY close to my mother.]

I don't agree with the belief that a woman leaves her "father's house" and goes to her "husband's house." Many people do, even if they have less blatant ways of articulating it. I much more understand the couple going to both sets of parents and saying "hey, we're talking marriage...we want to include you in this process...although, we're getting married regardless of your opinion...and don't give us hell during this process or you'll lovingly get cussed out."

lol lol lol hilarious!

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I've never thought of it as asking for dad's permission so much as asking for his blessing.

That's the way I see it. Anything I do in my life, I do without my parents' permission (trust me, I have done plenty of things without it). I am an adult and what I do is my choice. But anything in life is easier when the people you love are behind you. If it's something huge like getting married, I would do what I want but feel infinitely better if my parents approve, especially my dad. But that's the relationship I have with my parents, many people don't need or want it and that's okay. Asking the father for the daughter's hand may not be for everyone, but it'd be something I would like. Plus, my dad is totally old school and likes to feel important. He knows I'm not really "his" to give away, but the act of it would...oh lord, he'd eat it up.

[PeppyGPhiB]

When my boyfriend and I started to talk more and more about getting married, my mom let me know that she wanted him to ask for her blessing. I also wanted that, first because I think it's a lovely tradition, and second because I believe that a marriage is about more than just the couple. Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to have in-laws that didn't understand boundaries or who couldn't get along with the son/daughter-in-law knows that well. A marriage is the joining of families, and when you're as close to your family as I am, you care a great deal about whether they like and respect you.

I am 31 years old and yet I told my fiance he needed to ask my mother for her blessing before he proposed to me. Not only was it a sign of respect for my mother (who is one of the strongest women I know and who has sacrificed a great deal for me), but it also gave my mom a chance to have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him/ask him a few things she felt was important. I knew my mom loved him and that she would be so happy and excited, but I also knew she felt it was her responsibility to bless our marriage as the single mother who raised me. He wasn't "asking permission," she was giving him her best wishes for us as we start our own family.

And a year from now, when I walk down the aisle of our church, my mom will be the one giving me away.

[AlwaysSAI]

This is something that, for me, is split.

I haven't spoken to my FATHER since I was a teenager. The last time I saw him I was 17 and he was dropping my sister off at my mom's with all of her belongings to come live with us. (It's a long ugly story).

Now, the man I consider my dad--the man who, when he came to my class last week I said to my students, "My daddy is coming up here and ya'll better not act a mess." Whomever is lucky enough to want to marry me will be expected to ask him for permission and blessing.

For me, it's a passing of the responsibility sort of thing. My step-dad has really raised the bar for the men in my life. He is a man who never had or wanted any children and inherited a pair of 13yr olds when he was in his 50s. He has done things for me and been there for me in a way I never knew a person would be willing to do. Since he's not technically my dad, I see it as "he doesn't have to do the things he does", but he does them because he loves us. When I am in severe crisis mode, he is always the first person I call. Almost a year ago, a guy I really cared about dumped me. I had to go to student teaching the next day. While trying like hell not to cry, all I could think was, I want to go to my mom's and sit with my step-dad.

When I marry someone, it will be much like passing the baton. And, I want the man who wants to marry me and my step-dad to have that conversation.

[AlphaXi_Husky]

whew - this thread is making me a bit teary...

I think it just boils down to each person and her relationship with her dad/mom/parents. Personally, I told my (now) husband that I didn't want him to ask my dad for permission (the thought of that rubs my liberal, feminist, bra-waving heiney the wrong way), but I did want him to ask for my dad's blessing. I think of it more as an acknowledgment that I'm not a piece of property and I can do as I see fit, but that my dad (and mom) were saying by giving their blessing that they recognized the commitment my fiance (husband) and I were making and agreed to give support and guidance (when asked).

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

And a year from now, when I walk down the aisle of our church, my mom will be the one giving me away.

This made me smile. One of my best friends was going to get married and her dad was still in her life, but barely. She has 4 brothers and each would be positioned along the aisle so that they could walk a quarter of the way with her until she got to the altar. I thought that was neat.

[33girl]

My parents are both gone now, but I think if a guy had asked them for my hand they would have said "are you SURE this is the man for you and you won't eat him alive?" I mean, my mom pointed out that I like dudes who look like gangsters.

I agree with the buzzkill factor of anyone (except maybe the clerk at the jewelry store) knowing before you do.

[lovespink88]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

This made me smile. One of my best friends was going to get married and her dad was still in her life, but barely. She has 4 brothers and each would be positioned along the aisle so that they could walk a quarter of the way with her until she got to the altar. I thought that was neat.

Aww, that's beautiful!

[aephi alum]

My husband asked my father for my hand, but not before we were already engaged. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission, after all. My father was opposed to my dating non-Catholics, and he certainly didn't want a non-Catholic son-in-law and potentially non-Catholic grandchildren - so if the deed weren't already done, I can pretty well guarantee he would have said no. (And we'd have gotten married anyway. )

To me, the whole "asking her father for permission" thing is antiquated. Women are not the property of their fathers or their husbands.

Same applies for the father walking the bride down the aisle and giving her away. When I first heard of that tradition, I was appalled. I immediately decided that if the officiant at my wedding were to ask my father, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" I would snap, "I can damn well give myself. Who's giving HIM away?" while pointing at the groom. (To be fair, I was about six years old at the time.)

Fortunately, in Jewish weddings, the groom's parents walk him down the aisle, the bride's parents walk her down the aisle, and there is no "giving away", so it was a non-issue. (Plus, my mother walked me down the aisle. My father refused to do any of the "father of the bride" stuff. He was too busy steaming over his "heathen" daughter and about-to-be-son-in-law.)

I respect those who choose to incorporate traditions like asking the bride's father for her hand in marriage - hey, it's tradition and it's their choice. I chose otherwise.

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