What Not to Say to a Released PNM

[Lindz928]

People do alot of things that may not make sense to someone who lives in a different environment. That's no reason to make fun of them. I would just say whatever and move on. People do what they feel is best for themselves.

And there are schools in the south (luckily not the one I went to) where greek life is CRAZY important. And some of these girls in the south were raised knowing about sorority life. They have grown up hearing the big names like Tri-Delt and Chi-O.

Not everyone in the south is like that (I wasn't). But it does happen. Maybe not the smartest thing, but to each her own.

[TigerOwl]

Carnation, good thoughts, but you sound mad.

[Beanblossom1]

I've heard of people pledging at smaller southern schools and then transferring to a larger university so they could be in such-in-such sorority. I'm almost certain of one girl in my chapter that did that.

I'm glad that rush wasn't a big deal to my family. Rush/pledge if you want to, but don't feel like you have to or join any one particular group (was their philosophy) . I couldn't imagine the pressure. I was totally clueless when I rushed over 10 yrs ago, but looking back, the chapters saw the real me and I think thats what was important.

[KDMater]

Carnation: I really liked your post and I thought it was on the mark. One poster thought you were mad and while I agree there's an undercurrent of annoyance, I think it's very valid. Some of the remarks after an unpleasant rush experience ARE patronizing, even if not intended that way. And if an awareness of this stops even one person from hurting a PNM (even if unintentional) then I think it's a benefit.

And as a side note, my daughter thought about transferring after a bad rush experience. Her school is VERY greek and she knew that, on some level, she'd have to start all over socially. She felt that maybe she would be better off doing that at a large state school where if you weren't greek, at least there were 20,000 others like you instead of 500.

But she got some very wise words from her advisor who told her to ask herself these questions: was she running AWAY from something? or running TO something? If she was running away, she might be better served by staying and learning from it and fighting through it. And ultimately, that is what she chose. It is not always easy, however, to hold your head up high when you are hurt and feel rejected. I give my daughter the utmost respect for having the class and dignity to hold her head up in the face of an adverse situation - which in many cases, a rush rejection is - particularly at some schools (and I don't mean just the big southern ones).

[Lindz928]

What a great post KD! Kudos to your daughter too!

[WCUgirl]

Does this have to do with that other thread? (That now I can't find...am I going nuts? I know I read a thread earlier that's missing...)

ETA: Oh, and I doubt many Pi Chis/Rho Gammas/Gamma Chis are going to make an "You can always AI!" comment. I personally had never heard of alumnae initiation until after I graduated, but that may not be the norm. But I agree, it's not an appropriate thing to say.

[KSUViolet06]

* DON'T SAY "Oh well, being Greek isn't that cool/is overrated." Coming from us, it means nothing because if it was so over-rated, we wouldn't be members. It doesn't help the young lady feel any better about the situation. If anything she may feel worse because you think you have to "walk on eggshells" when discussing Greek Life.

*DO NOT say "Wanna come look at all of my new stuff?" I've seen someone who just got into a sorority say that to someone who got rejected from that same sorority and though you're excited, it can hurt the girl who didn't get a bid.

*DO NOT say "Wow, it's such a rarity when people don't get a bid..." Though it may be true for your school, it makes the person feel like even more of a loser.

[pinkyphimu]

perhaps it would be best if schools had councelors on hand when girls who were cut from recruitment were being told the news. i just think that no matter how trained the rho whatevers are, they are just peers of the pnm. they might respond in a way that they *think* is being helpful, but is not. kind of like when you break up with a boyfriend you really cared for and everyone tells you that when one door closes, another opens. no one wants to hear that, you just want your old door back!! of course, i imagine that none of these women are doing it on purpose, but they are just not truly able to deliver such news and deal with the grief that some pnms will feel.

i do know that on my old campus, the health center was alerted that recruitment was happening, times that women were receiving invites and bids, so that if something was happening, they might be needed. there was no one however, sitting in the greek advisor's office (or where ever) waiting for upset pnms to come to talk.

[33girl]

This isn't really something you can do, but something I think the schools should think about.

Now I know a lot of schools have gone to having bid day on Sundays or weekdays to prevent overpartying...but that isn't always the best for PNMs who don't receive bids. Our bid days were always on Friday and you knew by 3 PM if you got a bid - if you hadn't, you could get out of Dodge so you didn't have to be around all the deliriously happy new pledges. You could go home to your mom & dad's, road trip to another college, etc etc. By the time you come back on Sunday the pain's lessened a little. In contrast, if bid day's Sunday you have to go to class the next day and pass 1) all those people who didn't give you a bid 2) all those people who got bids instead of you.

[TigerOwl]

Agree that Panhellenic should have someone (several) available. The answer has always been the Rho Chi's will talk with the released PNM. Which is great, but they are always busy with all the other PNM's. The absolutely worst story I was involved in was at a school with deferred recruitment, pref day Saturday and Bid Day Sunday, with all campus returning, if I recall on a Monday for school back in session on Tuesday this particular year. No one, not one soul, let the PNM know that she had did not receive one inviation to pref day. All PNM's woke up, got dressed for pref, went to pick up their invitations, her envelope was empty. (And she had gone to the maximum amount of parties the day before!) Not one panhellenic person spoke with her, parties were starting immediately, so she ended up leaving the large area and walking back alone, all dressed up, to an empty dorm. She was a legacy to a GLO that dropped her after open house. Needless to say the mother hopped in the car to drive the 6 hours to campus, the aunt and cousin from 8 states away were trying --- unsuccessfully to call Panhellenic. I was trying to call panhellenic (I'm 4 hours away); then tried to reach the Dean of Women ---it's a Saturday and school is not back! I asked if I could call the health center, but the mother told me not to. Churches, anything! We were just trying to find someone to be with her! Finally, Panhellenic returned the calls and her Rho Chi was on her way over. Needless to say the Rho Chi and the mother arrived within 5 minutes of each other. I think this is about 6 p.m. This PNM sat in an empty dorm room on the cell phone with relatives trying to keep her spirits up for over 8 hours! She was going to transfer, but the Rho Chi, over the course of that evening in 2 separate visits and a visit on Sunday encouraged the PNM to stay at school. Mom stayed for 2 days too. She finished the semester and is still at the school, but not in a GLO.
So, moral of the story. 1. They should have caught the no invite envelope. 2. Panhellenic should always have someone manning the phones, even if it goes to voice mail first and someone immediately goes thru the most urgent messages first. I know each house has hard working and over worked alumnae, but there has to be one that can take those phone calls.
Letters explaining the entire situation were written by the mother to the Dean of Students, the President of the University and the Panhellenic/Greek Life with pleas that this never happen again to another PNM. No one should be left alone!
So I guess I am as frustrated with this, as carnation was in her initial post.

[PhoenixAzul]

The above situation basically happened to me. Being the naiive person I am/was, I didn't realize that you could be dropped from recruitment entirely (PX's, as great as they were, didn't lay that out for us). I was dropped after novelty (2nd) round, where I had attended 3 parties out of 6 houses I had a pretty full schedule that quarter, so I missed the Tuesday afternoon call of "hey you don't need to come and pick up your invites because you were dropped" because I couldn't check my voice mail (no cell phone at the time). SO I showed up early to the meeting (thank god) and my poor PX's looked like they had seen a ghost, they obviously hadn't planned on me not getting the message. I left shortly after hearing the news, and of course like many PNM's, I wanted to know WHY. So I talked to the greek life advisor, who was very calm with me and set up a meeting. I met with her and discussed what my options were, and she let me sign my bid card right there, on Thursday rather than Sunday so that I didn't have to explain what happened to the rest of my group. She said to fill out a full bid card and then see what happened. Course I got the "did not match" call on Sunday...by then I was OK with it, but watching girls go to Final party was really rough that weekend. But come monday, my roommate (who was usually a bit ditzy about messages) told me that I desperately needed to check my voicemail, that some lady from Student Affairs had INSISTED on leaving a message for me. So I check it...it's the Greek Life advisor saying that I had been offered a bid to my number 1 choice....Tau Delta. After much jumping up and down and excitement, I called her back and calmly accepted(yea right). That night I got to go to the finally PX meeting, recieve my bid (which promptly got a place of honor in my scrapbook) and went to closing ceremony. My life hasnt been the same since.

I guess the summary of that is that things happen for a reason, and that being forthright about the possibilities of not being bidded is a good policy, and explain what other courses of action are left open after recruitment (COB, re-rushing, not rushing, etc.). As a PX this year, I shared my story with my girls to explain what COULD happen, and that no one is guarenteed a bid, even if they have a full invite schedule. Me and my PX buddy (who rocked) gave the girls my Cell phone, room phone and email to contact me if they wanted to talk outside of the group meetings. Some of the girls connected better with me, others with the other PX, but that's OK, they called whoever they felt comfortable with, the point was that I lived on campus and the other PX lived a few blocks away, so we went and met with girls together or individually whenever the need arrose. Even after recruitment, some girls sought us out to ask our advice, and that goes to show, the PX job is never done !

[KSUViolet06]

*If you know that re-rushing and getting a bid isn't a possibility at your school, don't suggest it.

[Zillini]

Originally posted by honeychile
Seriously. We once had a freshman transfer in time to go ADPi, get initiated, then transfer to school in the South - where she was accepted as transfer sister. We later found out that she had gone to XYZ School, suicided ADPi, and didn't get a bid. Once she found out that she would have been the very next person on their bid list, she transferred to Pitt, etc. Frankly, I admired her ingenuity! She couldn't be an "official" sister at the Southern school until the next term (when someone was studying abroad), but it worked out well for her.

Not long ago for a few years Bama's Administration delayed Formal Recruitment to the week+ before Labor Day. I remember one PNM that had gone through at another large competitive Greek campus whose Recruitment was still prior to school. She got cut by the GLO she wanted yet transferred here in time specifically to go through our process. What amazed me so much was that I had always assumed there would be a little more red tape to wade through in transferring schools. It had to have been only about a 2-3 week timeframe.

FYI - we had received a "heads-up" call from our Chapter's Pres on the 1st campus. Sorry I have no idea how it worked out because we weren't the GLO she wanted and I didn't follow up on it. But I always wondered how that discussion would have gone. Would it be viewed as a positive thing like "Wow, look how much she loves us! She went through all this trouble just to have a chance to be one of us!"? Or would it be viewed negatively like "She doesn't care at all about us personally. All she wants are the XYZ letters."? I'd also want to know why she was cut by the 1st XYZ too.

[xplpx16]

I'd say to get this young lady to COB events. Tell them, that Formal Recruitment is hard for sorority women cuz they don't have time to really get to know all the PNM's after answering their questions and all. Just make sure she knows that once she hangs out with all the ladies, she has such a better chance. Just tell her to be herself and have some fun and I'm sure she'd have nothing to worry about.