Being Sexually Harassed at Work! Please Help!!!

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by AZ-AlphaXi

Do you feel comfortable going to your boss's boss with this information? Are there
any women in management that you would feel comfortable talking to?

Also, if he is setting up trips for you, insist on separate rooms and refuse to go if
you can't have separate accomodations. That's just basic business practice. Once at
the conference, don't accept invitations to eat with him or go out with him .. plead
tired and going back to your room. Once there lock the door and don't let him in.

I'm not sure if even going is a good idea, regardless of accomodation arrangements. I may be overly cautious, but still going may give him an idea and you dont want to further encounter unwanted advances and potentially worse. What if he were to follow you to your room and push his way in? Or take advantage of you at a potentially other vulnerable location? Then what? In this kind of situation I would personally rather be overly cautious instead of naive. Guard your person and your reputation by not going. It's not worth it.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

He sends me inappropriate emails, calls my cell phone 24/7, sends gross text messages, etc. etc.

I agree, call an attorney, document everything, and call your cell phone company to see about getting your phone number changed. I'm not sure if it's possible to keep the old text messages he's been sending you if you change your number, but make sure you ask that question if you don't already know.

I hate that you're going through this, but I wish you the best. No one deserves to be treated this way.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I agree, call an attorney, document everything, and call your cell phone company to see about getting your phone number changed. I'm not sure if it's possible to keep the old text messages he's been sending you if you change your number, but make sure you ask that question if you don't already know.

I hate that you're going through this, but I wish you the best. No one deserves to be treated this way.

I don't think getting the phone number changed would help as the harasser is someone from work and being able to reach employees (having their phone number) is the norm at most jobs.

Document everything, contact a lawyer as they will know best the situations that apply to your state.

[baci]

Originally Posted by Kevin

Talk to a lawyer.

Absolutely the best advice!

Find a lawyer with expertise in this field and allow this professional to guide you in the proper direction. You don't have do to anything you do not want to do, but it will be money well spent. You should be able to focus with a clearer head after your consultation and not go down an incorrect path based on other advice found in various ways.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I don't think getting the phone number changed would help as the harasser is someone from work and being able to reach employees (having their phone number) is the norm at most jobs.

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

Of course what her boss is doing is not the norm, but I think I'm agreeing with VandalSquirrel here. If she changes her phone number, then she'll just have to give the new number to people at work and boss will call the new number.

It seems to me that what she needs is CallerID, which her cellphone should already have. Use CallerID to screen the calls and don't answer it when it's creepy boss -- make him leave a message. And if he leaves inappropriate messages, document them and find a way to keep a recording of them. Also, use the cellphone caller memory to keep a log of all calls from him, with date and time, whether he leaves a message or not.

Again, this is one of those things a lawyer who practices in this area could give her the best advice about.

[33girl]

All you need to give your work is an emergency phone number where you can be reached. It does NOT have to be your cell phone number - it can be your next door neighbor's phone number if that's where you can be reached in an emergency (like, bomb threat at the office and don't come in).

Contrary to popular belief, your workplace does not have the right to contact you at all hours of the day or night. I refused to give out my cell # at my ex-job and somehow people got it anyway which pissed me off.

G M - change your cell number (but see if your service carrier can figure out a way for you to keep any previous icky texts or vms for documentation purposes). If they insist on a "number where you can be reached" give them your parents' or a friend's land line. With what she's going through, "let it go to voice mail/check the caller ID" doesn't cut it. It's about feeling sick in the pit of your stomach anytime you see any evidence of this jerkwad.

[Gucci Model]

Thank you SO MUCH for the advice. I really can't thank you enough. I wanted to give an update and fill in some blanks.

I started documenting things in early May, when my boss started waiting for me immediately outside the bathroom door after I used the restroom. That was one of the incidents that really pushed things over the edge for me. I'm not sure I was documenting everything as completely as possible (ex: who was around, weather, other details) so I will be sure to do that from now on.

I appreciate the suggestion to not leave anything I'm documenting at work because I honestly hadn't thought of that before. I just forwarded all of the work emails he has sent me that are inappropriate to a personal email account so I don't run the risk of losing them, should I need them in the future.

I also appreciate the advice to put things in writing for the HR department, and to make sure I'm being very clear about how serious the situation is. I just sort of backed down and felt intimidated when the person I spoke with shot me down last time. I will be writing something very very soon.

Prior to May, I deleted most of the texts and voicemails, because they repulsed me. After he started waiting for me outside the bathroom though, I've saved all of the texts and written down info about the voicemails. To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.

[Gucci Model]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

I also want to reiterate- this is not your fault and it is not normal. If you need to talk to a professional once all this is over you should feel okay about doing so. These situations can mirror living with an abuser and because the offenders are in a position of authority and you are new to the workforce- so just make sure it doesn't mess you up in the head.

This made me almost cry because this is how I've been feeling. It is really starting to mess with me and get me very very down.

ETA: I've actually started waking up in the night with nightmares and feeling stressed all the time because I'm so nervous about the situation. And I used to be a really laid back girl, so this is very unlike me.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

Prior to May, I deleted most of the texts and voicemails, because they repulsed me. After he started waiting for me outside the bathroom though, I've saved all of the texts and written down info about the voicemails. To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

This guy sounds like a real threat - not just someone who makes inappropriate advances, but someone who has serious stalking tendencies. I fully agree with ThetaPrincess24's advice to refrain from traveling with this guy. There's no way I would go anywhere with him.

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.

Excellent. I have absolutely no knowledge of what's legal/appropriate to do in this situation, so this question might be stupid, but I'd try to find out if you can do your job from home (or another location other than your usual place of business) while this is being investigated.

This really does sound scary, GM. Stay strong and good luck.

[lillady85]

Gucci Model,

There is a free service that will route unknown/blocked numbers back to you with the actual number who is calling. As soon as I can remember what it is, I'll PM you. But it works VERY WELL.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Again, this is one of those things a lawyer who practices in this area could give her the best advice about.

MC, I agree with this part, but I still would change my number and no I wouldn't give it to anyone else at work, especially to a company that won't lift a finger to do anything about a disgusting boss. Period.

Originally Posted by 33girl

All you need to give your work is an emergency phone number where you can be reached. It does NOT have to be your cell phone number - it can be your next door neighbor's phone number if that's where you can be reached in an emergency (like, bomb threat at the office and don't come in).

Contrary to popular belief, your workplace does not have the right to contact you at all hours of the day or night. I refused to give out my cell # at my ex-job and somehow people got it anyway which pissed me off.

G M - change your cell number (but see if your service carrier can figure out a way for you to keep any previous icky texts or vms for documentation purposes). If they insist on a "number where you can be reached" give them your parents' or a friend's land line. With what she's going through, "let it go to voice mail/check the caller ID" doesn't cut it. It's about feeling sick in the pit of your stomach anytime you see any evidence of this jerkwad.

Thank you.

33girl, I agree with you 110%.

[pbear19]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

I just forwarded all of the work emails he has sent me that are inappropriate to a personal email account so I don't run the risk of losing them, should I need them in the future.

First of all, it sounds like you are already doing a lot of what needs to be done. The guy sounds like a serious headcase, and with the additional info you've given I think you absolutely need to contact a lawyer asap. Even if HR steps up and does the right thing, you've got a lot of incidents outside of work and they may or may not be willing to intercede in anything that they (whether correctly or incorrectly) deem outside of their purview.

The other thing that I wanted to mention is that you should be sure to either forward the messages with headers (if you can) or, ideally, print them with headers and keep a print copy of every email. Especially if the emails are contained within a work system, you want to print the copies with headers while you have access to the originals.

Good luck, and keep us posted if you can. I hate that anyone has to go through this, but you sound like a very strong person who will undoubtedly come away stronger.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Of course what her boss is doing is not the norm, but I think I'm agreeing with VandalSquirrel here. If she changes her phone number, then she'll just have to give the new number to people at work and boss will call the new number.

It seems to me that what she needs is CallerID, which her cellphone should already have. Use CallerID to screen the calls and don't answer it when it's creepy boss -- make him leave a message. And if he leaves inappropriate messages, document them and find a way to keep a recording of them. Also, use the cellphone caller memory to keep a log of all calls from him, with date and time, whether he leaves a message or not.

Again, this is one of those things a lawyer who practices in this area could give her the best advice about.

Originally Posted by 33girl

All you need to give your work is an emergency phone number where you can be reached. It does NOT have to be your cell phone number - it can be your next door neighbor's phone number if that's where you can be reached in an emergency (like, bomb threat at the office and don't come in).

Contrary to popular belief, your workplace does not have the right to contact you at all hours of the day or night. I refused to give out my cell # at my ex-job and somehow people got it anyway which pissed me off.

G M - change your cell number (but see if your service carrier can figure out a way for you to keep any previous icky texts or vms for documentation purposes). If they insist on a "number where you can be reached" give them your parents' or a friend's land line. With what she's going through, "let it go to voice mail/check the caller ID" doesn't cut it. It's about feeling sick in the pit of your stomach anytime you see any evidence of this jerkwad.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

MC, I agree with this part, but I still would change my number and no I wouldn't give it to anyone else at work, especially to a company that won't lift a finger to do anything about a disgusting boss. Period.


Thank you.

33girl, I agree with you 110%.

Depending on one's position they may not have a choice in being "unreachable" and in fact doing that may tip the boss off and as she deleted previous evidence she'd have none. At my job I have to provide a home and emergency number, and fortunately if this was going on at my job it would have been handled better due to our structure. I'm a supervisor and there is no way I'd be able to function in my position by not letting my underlings and my overlords have my number. As much as we'd like to prevent people from bothering us, it just isn't always practical or possible. Depending on the company and the position being reached by phone is important for a lot of reasons, and in this case actually will provide evidence that was previously lost.

As someone who was a victim of harassment and stalking (not at work) changing my phone number may have stopped the person from calling or texting me, but if I didn't have those voice mails, missed calls, and texts it would have been a lot harder to prove my case (he was showing up at my home, work, classes, filing false police reports, talking to my friends, family, and coworkers). At least in my state harassment by phone is a crime and that law wouldn't have been enforceable by changing my phone number. This is why going to a lawyer is key, it may be a way to prove a crime is occurring. Plus for me, changing my number would have given in and let him know he had power over me, and I refused to let him screw up my life anymore than he already had. I considered getting a prepaid phone to use in the interim, but my sense of pride (and finances) made me change my mind.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Do not travel with this guy. Send an email to HR explaining why.

Send a Memo immediately to HR outlining your discussion with them and what you understood to be their feedback and next steps. Make sure you send it to more than one HR person, say the person you spoke with and their supervisor. I can't believe any HR professional would say "boys will be boys"...that's so old school and right out of a sexual harrasment role-playing workshop.

I don't know about your cell phone company, but mine (Sprint) provides access to all of my detailed calling statements online. I can see when all calls came in and out, phone numbers, etc. You should be able to get the same from your company and at least have record then of how often he's calling you. If your phone has speakerphone, you should buy a hand-held recorder and try recording his voicemails.

I know you're already meeting with a lawyer, so they will tell you what further steps to take. If I were you, though, I would talk to him/her about whether you should file a complaint with the police and get it on the record. In the meantime, if HR refuses to do anything about this guy, I would quit and sue the company for failing to provide you with a safe working environment. I think you have every reason to be concerned for your safety with the stalking behavior he's exhibiting in plain sight and with the support of everyone around him. I know it's a rough job market out there, but there's no way I would ever put up with that or stick around long enough to see whether HR was going to do something months after I first reported it. This ends NOW!

If you do eventually leave, and legal arrangements don't bar it, file a complaint with the state dept. of labor, too. I once contacted them after I went to a place to interview and was asked to go with a guy I didn't know in his car to ride out to someplace I didn't know to do some work they wouldn't tell me about. I was blown away they would ask female interviewees to go in a car with a young adult male employee, and on top of that it sounded like they wanted us to work the day for no pay. Let me tell you, the Labor Dept. was very interested in my story and actually followed up later to tell me that they had paid a visit to the company to investigate.