Married & rushing?

[kddani]

Honestly, I'm going to ask the same question that I ask a lot of people who are looking to rush- why do you want to join a sorority? What do you hope to get out of it?

To take it a few steps beyond that - What kind of activities are you interested in participating in? And because of your situation with being married - are you honestly going to be okay going to mixers, where alcohol will likely be involved, and hanging out with horny young men (Okay, so that's brutally honest, but it's true)? Is your husband going to be okay with that? I can't think of many husbands that would be okay with that kind of situation, regardless of age or security in their marriage. Mixers aren't generally any optional thing.

[budger1984]

The city of the school I attend does not sell alcohol, so I don't think alcohol will be involved. If it is, I don't have to get drunk or even drink for that matter. I can be friends with guys and still be married. My husband knows that he won't be able to come to certain events and he was okay with that. Men are everywhere regardless of whether or not they are in a fraternity. If he trusts me to go somewhere without him, I don't know why he would care if it's to a club, a mixer, or a restaurant.

Now, the reason I want to pledge a sorority is because I want to meet new people and become more involved on campus. I have a small handful of friends that I have known forever, but I feel like I have only remained friends with some of them because I feel guilty for changing since I've known them so long. I want lifelong friends that are fun, energetic, and really care for one another. I want to work with charities, participate in on-campus activities, and as I said, have friends. My friends I have right now are wonderful people, and I love them. But, they like to stay home with their children, and I don't have kids. I think it would be nice to be part of something bigger than myself. I don't have any sisters, and I've always wanted them.

What I want to get out of a sorority are friends, a sense of family on campus, sisters, and people who like being involved with our University and people who enjoy philanthropy.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by budger1984

The city of the school I attend does not sell alcohol, so I don't think alcohol will be involved. If it is, I don't have to get drunk or even drink for that matter. I can be friends with guys and still be married. My husband knows that he won't be able to come to certain events and he was okay with that. Men are everywhere regardless of whether or not they are in a fraternity. If he trusts me to go somewhere without him, I don't know why he would care if it's to a club, a mixer, or a restaurant.

I can almost guarantee that alcohol will be involved. Greek life is not all about alcohol, but I think this is a particular aspect of Greek Life that you need to give some more thought to. Yes, you can be friends with guys and still be married. But the point of mixers is generally to foster the relationships between the men and the women -i.e. leading to dating, relationships, etc. Alcohol in these situations does make them a little more "wild" than perhaps you might expect. I'm not sugar coating with P.C. answers, because I think you need honesty right now. The point of mixers is to mingle with the opposite sex. It's a very different situation than just saying well, men are everywhere.

Not only will your husband not be able to come to certain events, he will be allowed to come to only a handful. Date parties, formals, perhaps a philanthropy event. Being in a sorority requires a LOT of time. Even beyond the required events, the best parts of being in a sorority generally don't happen during official sorority time - they occur in the casual downtime and hanging out with friends.

I'm not necessarily trying to discourage you or frame this harshly, but I really think you need to put more thought into this. I think there's aspects that you haven't full considered and perhaps just brushed aside as no big deal. You don't quite know all of what sororities do because you haven't been in one. It is tough for sororities, because we've all been in the position where a new member did not fully understand what they were getting themselves into and eventually quit. Sororities expend a lot of time, love and money on new members. They are going to be wary of someone in your situation - several years older than the vast majority of sisters and married. What are these girls going to have in common with you? They'll be looking at that for sure.

And as you should know, there are tons of other groups on any campus where you can get involved, meet people and make friends. IMHO, you really need to consider if this is truly the best option for you.

[ASTalumna06]

I know that people here have pointed out the negatives of having a married sister in a chapter, but there can also be a positive side...

My chapter allowed a married mom to become a member. I believe she was 23 when she first joined. That was 2 years ago, and she has done so much for the chapter. She was the Treasurer and Fundraising Chair. She attended every event required of her, with no complaints. And I'll never forget that when I moved back to PA after being in MA for nearly a year, I attended a chapter meeting and she was the first sister to approach me and introduce herself. She was a great addition to our chapter.

Be aware, however, that if you do join, sisters (sometimes purely out of consideration for you), might not want to give you too much responsibility. They might "feel bad" about giving you a major position because you won't have enough time to spend with your husband if you're planning sorority events and programs... or they might assume that the sorority is #25 on your list of things to do, and they won't want things to be put together at the last minute, even if you always do things in a very timely manner. Just be prepared for that.

[budger1984]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

I know that people here have pointed out the negatives of having a married sister in a chapter, but there can also be a positive side...

My chapter allowed a married mom to become a member. I believe she was 23 when she first joined. That was 2 years ago, and she has done so much for the chapter. She was the Treasurer and Fundraising Chair. She attended every event required of her, with no complaints. And I'll never forget that when I moved back to PA after being in MA for nearly a year, I attended a chapter meeting and she was the first sister to approach me and introduce herself. She was a great addition to our chapter.

Be aware, however, that if you do join, sisters (sometimes purely out of consideration for you), might not want to give you too much responsibility. They might "feel bad" about giving you a major position because you won't have enough time to spend with your husband if you're planning sorority events and programs... or they might assume that the sorority is #25 on your list of things to do, and they won't want things to be put together at the last minute, even if you always do things in a very timely manner. Just be prepared for that.

I appreciate everyone's honest answers. The good, bad, and ugly. It is nice to hear a good positive, though...lol! Thanks!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by budger1984

The man at the Greek Life office said he did some "research" after I asked him about being married. I should have clarified, he said 3 of the 4 ask current members to take alumnae status if they get married in college. So, he doesn't think they will extend a bid to someone who is already married (which makes sense).

He has a penis. Therefore, he is NOT a sorority member and should NOT be making such declarations about membership selection. He was not in meetings and has no idea why women go alum. It's none of his damn business.

Originally Posted by budger1984

The city of the school I attend does not sell alcohol, so I don't think alcohol will be involved.

I don't know if you've ever heard of Slippery Rock PA, but it used to be a "dry" town too, and it was named one of the top 10 Playboy party schools. Trust me, there will be alcohol at some point, unless it's a very very very superconservative church based school (i.e. BYU, Bob Jones U etc).

If Greek life at your school is very laid back and noncompetitive, and there is (as was mentioned before) a very large non-trad/returning contingent at the school, you MAY have a chance at a bid. But keep in mind that at such a school, every woman in a chapter usually has some sort of office or committee chair - you can't just sit back and be a member. And like kddani said, much of the real sorority bonding comes not from meetings or big events - but from little things like hanging out at someone's apartment or the student center. If you feel like you're going to have to call your husband every time you won't be home from class on time to hang out, you're going to lose a lot of the simple joy of sorority life.

If there is an adult or returning students group at your school, I advise you to join. Even if it doesn't strictly apply to you, you should be able to find some people who you can relate to. Oh, and if your friends are boring the crap out of you with baby talk...you need to make new friends. But you don't necessarily need a sorority to do that. You aren't going to be screwing them if you make new friends if they are so blind to the fact that when they talk about little Caleb's latest poop YOU REALLY DON'T CARE...in fact, if they're that child obsessed, I doubt they will notice.

[KSUViolet06]

Even if the town is dry or whatever, there will most likely still be alcohol involved on some level, even if it's just hanging out with a fraternity at their house.

Not saying that women and men in Greek groups are all lushes, but there will be men and there will likely be drinking. Most husbands are not supercool witht that. They just aren't, unless he is a fraternity man himself.

Also, there are alot of fun activities during the New Member period that are meant to help you bond with your class and meet other girls. I know that we typically had an activity or event EVERY NIGHT during certain weeks. Your chapter will most likely have a great deal planned for you as a new member, which WILL take time from your hubby. You might want to be sure that he is ok with not seeing his wife alot during those times.

I'm not trying to be negative, but these are all things you need to consider. My chapter pledged a married young lady at one point, and she ended up quitting because she didn't realize that it was going to take so much time away from her husband.

It's best that you understand now that sororities are quite a time commitment, as opposed to joining and depledging later because "you didn't know."

[kiteflyersmom]

The advice given in the previous posts is very solid. As someone who has lived through various stages of life (college, newlywed, newly-divorced-single mom, remarried now for 12 years with more kids) I don't see what a married woman of 25 years of age has in common with a group of younger sorority girls.

There must be other organizations that would provide a similar, yet more suitable way to meet people. I do know how you feel. Yes, it is nice to have pursuits that do not include our husbands (or kids). Some women quilt, play tennis, become active in community organizations, etc.

I just think that there must be other outlets (meaning clubs at your school) where you could fulfill your need to socialize and contribute to the university community.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Also, there are alot of fun activities during the New Member period that are meant to help you bond with your class and meet other girls. I know that we typically had an activity or event EVERY NIGHT during certain weeks. Your chapter will most likely have a great deal planned for you as a new member, which WILL take time from your hubby. You might want to be sure that he is ok with not seeing his wife alot during those times.

While KSUviolet had events every night some weeks, we didn't. Yes, we had social events, and yes, we had meetings for new members, but never in one week were we doing things with the sorority every night. And with the alcohol/mixers situation.. the mixers at my school never got as crazy as others. Yes, there was drinking, but it wasn't to the extent that I've seen at mixers at other schools. Every chapter/school is different. We don't know where you go to school or how prominent Greek life actually is there. In my opinion, you should do all you can to find out how much will really be involved with this whole endeavor, how much time you're willing to put into it, and whether or not it will create issues between you and your husband.

But as I've said, if you believe it will work for you, and you think you'll always regret it and wonder, "What if?" if you don't at least try, I say go for it. Just be honest with the sorority members about your situation. Again, don't broadcast it or feel the need to talk about it constantly during recruitment, but if someone asks, don't lie about anything or try to dodge questions. Being married is part of who you are, and you shouldn't have to lie about that

[agzg]

I had something for sorority every night (just about) - especially as a new member and my school is small with a small Greek system.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by agzg

I had something for sorority every night (just about) - especially as a new member and my school is small with a small Greek system.

Right. I went to a school that's considered a commuter school to most.

We have a pretty small-ish Greek community (6 chapters and quota in the mid-30s).

Regardless of the fact that my school isn't huge on Greek Life, I still had alot of things to do during the week.

So it's tough to say "Oh your school is small and there are only 4 chapters, so you should definitely be ok because small school chapters don't have as many events."

That's not always true.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

While KSUviolet had events every night some weeks, we didn't. Yes, we had social events, and yes, we had meetings for new members, but never in one week were we doing things with the sorority every night. And with the alcohol/mixers situation.. the mixers at my school never got as crazy as others. Yes, there was drinking, but it wasn't to the extent that I've seen at mixers at other schools. Every chapter/school is different. We don't know where you go to school or how prominent Greek life actually is there. In my opinion, you should do all you can to find out how much will really be involved with this whole endeavor, how much time you're willing to put into it, and whether or not it will create issues between you and your husband.

Your school sounds more like the exception than the rule.

As has been said, even if you don't have something formally scheduled every night, you and your sisters are going to want to be hanging out with the chapter- as many of us have been said, this was the best part and the part that made us grow closer.

Is your husband going to be okay with you being gone every night and sometimes the entire weekend? If so, that's an interesting marriage. Actually, that doesn't leave a whole lot left to consider as a marriage.

[HeavenslilAngel]

I agree with all previous posts that a college sorority is a wonderful experience but very time consuming. There are other sororities that give the same experience (friends, philanthropy, socials etc) that are less time consuming. Beta Sigma Phi is one. I'm a member and love it. We have a meeting once a month, social once a month and a philanthropic event or project once a month. I'm the youngest in my chapter and my BSP sisters come from all walks of life (single never married, married, divorced, kids, no kids) http://www.betasigmaphi.org/contacts.php is the contact link. Call them, email them etc.

[budger1984]

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[budger1984]

Originally Posted by kddani

Your school sounds more like the exception than the rule.

As has been said, even if you don't have something formally scheduled every night, you and your sisters are going to want to be hanging out with the chapter- as many of us have been said, this was the best part and the part that made us grow closer.

Is your husband going to be okay with you being gone every night and sometimes the entire weekend? If so, that's an interesting marriage. Actually, that doesn't leave a whole lot left to consider as a marriage.

I'm pretty sure that my marriage is fine. With all due respect, I don't think you should make commentary on my marriage considering you aren't here. My husband and I support each other 100%. While I appreciate you telling me the pros and cons of a sorority, I don't appreciate you telling me that if I join, it means I don't have much of a marriage.