In-law venting thread - Page 15

WCsweet<3 · #**211** 10-18-2012, 10:43 PM

For those of you who's significant others family is crazy:
1) did they realize their family was awful at the beginning of the relationship? If no, did they ever realize it?

2) if you knew their family was awful and that you would be in contact with them on a somewhat regular basis, how did you make the decision to stay in the relationship?

KSUViolet06 · #**212** 10-18-2012, 10:48 PM

^^^I think another important point to consider is to what extent does one's significant other KNOW that his family is awful?

For example: If he has a crazy mom, does he know that his mom is batshit crazy and take her with a grain of salt? Or does he think that every word out of her mouth is gospel (an get offended when you don't?)

GratefulGramma · #**213** 10-22-2012, 06:44 PM

My husband knew his mother was batshit crazy, and shared it with me because he was basically terrified of her. After his death, I found out some horrible things she had done to him as a child, but he never wanted me to know. She never had a kind word to say about me (got that from her best friend, after MIL died), which was fine with me; I stood between her and my husband and dared her to cross the line I drew in the sand. Oh, she didn't like me at all! She was a complete narcissist, and made everybody in her family miserable, but she was convincing to her friends.

ETA: We weren't teenagers when we got married. We were early/mid 30's, and not each other's first spouse, so we had an idea what we were doing. I loved my husband enough to spend the next 20 years between him and his crazy mother.

MSKKG · #**214** 10-22-2012, 07:50 PM

My younger son got engaged on the 5th, and I hope I will be a good MIL. I like his fiance, so that's a good start!

I loved my MIL, and she loved me. I can't image what some of you are dealing with.

groovypq · #**215** 03-29-2013, 07:19 PM

I shouldn't complain about my in-laws - my first MIL was bat-shit crazy, they are not - but in the past year or so it seems like everything with them is full of DRAMA. Martyr syndrome, miscommunication (hopefully not purposeful lying), constant griping, inability to plan anything simple, etc. I get claustrophobic when I'm around the whole group. I won't go into all the stories because I could write a book.

It's just getting harder and harder not to be frustrated, and I hate feeling that way because it bothers my husband (He knows my first MIL was nuts and I think he fears I'll hate his family).

Trying to find a subtle way to get out of the annual family beach week because last year, with five adults in a tiny condo, I was losing my mind. Add another adult, a dog, and a baby and it's just going to be worse. While I appreciate the free place to stay (we can't afford a week down there ourselves), it's just too. much. The baby won't fit into "our" room and I am NOT leaving him/her in the living room, especially with a dog around! (speaking of dogs, they were going to buy us a dog when we moved into our new house. Without asking if we wanted one. I shot that down FAST.)

And now they're weirdly competitive with my parents - like miffed that my parents have been to our new house twice and they haven't been up here yet. Never mind it was six months after we moved that my parents got a chance to come up and the second time they came up was to haul up most of the gifts from my baby shower because there wasn't enough room in my car!

SWTXBelle · #**216** 03-29-2013, 08:07 PM

Son-in-law is a an ungrateful jerk.

groovypq · #**217** 07-09-2013, 08:59 AM

Someone recently told me babies bring out the crazy in people... and when it comes to my in-laws, that's definitely true.

TonyB06 · #**218** 07-09-2013, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by groovypq

Trying to find a subtle way to get out of the annual family beach week because last year, with five adults in a tiny condo, I was losing my mind. Add another adult, a dog, and a baby and it's just going to be worse. While I appreciate the free place to stay (we can't afford a week down there ourselves), it's just too. much. The baby won't fit into "our" room and I am NOT leaving him/her in the living room, especially with a dog around! (speaking of dogs, they were going to buy us a dog when we moved into our new house. Without asking if we wanted one. I shot that down FAST.)

And now they're weirdly competitive with my parents - like miffed that my parents have been to our new house twice and they haven't been up here yet. Never mind it was six months after we moved that my parents got a chance to come up and the second time they came up was to haul up most of the gifts from my baby shower because there wasn't enough room in my car!

uggh, that sounds messy. Is there anyway your husband can take the lead in explaining to your (his) parents the length of time is too great?

I'd think his mom would buy into your adament position of not having the baby not in the room with you. I'm not a pet person at all so I completely feel the veto on life with the dogs. I'd be screaming from the rooftops, but appreciate your willingness to keep the peace.

As far as the parents visiting, it sounds like one set lives in the same city as you/hubby and the other set lives away? if so, what, logically, could the miffedness (made up word of the day) be based on?

AnchorAlumna · #**219** 07-09-2013, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TonyB06

As far as the parents visiting, it sounds like one set lives in the same city as you/hubby and the other set lives away? if so, what, logically, could the miffedness (made up word of the day) be based on?

Logic has nothing to do with it.

ellebud · #**220** 07-09-2013, 02:35 PM

I am smiling. My in laws were terrible bigoted pompous people. Among the few minor things they did...they were happy when I got cancer because that might get me out of the family. They used the k word describing my children and me. FIL is dead and mil now lives else where.

My son is now engaged to a very nice and complicated young woman. They are FAR more religious than we are or will ever be. She wants a very tradition Jewish wedding ceremony. Son wanted to protest. Nope I said....this is important to her. Let it be.

We are paying for most of the wedding. MofB wants a huge wedding. No....I pay...I get a say. I went with my son to find the ring. He purchased a beautiful but smallish stone (a little over a carat).. She loves it.

I listen to what they are saying. Some of it is cuckoo bananas. My son just wants to be told what is happening....No matched rental tuxedos (son) ...fine. Bride is fine with that. I am fine with that....

I do not want a replay of our marriage. Her parents are divorced. They didn't get the message of play nicely with others. I talk to both sides....because they won't talk to each other. Father (quite elderly) wants some guests...........who would have thought I would be mediating a semi Orthodox wedding?! Who knew?

groovypq · #**221** 07-09-2013, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TonyB06

uggh, that sounds messy. Is there anyway your husband can take the lead in explaining to your (his) parents the length of time is too great?

I'd think his mom would buy into your adament position of not having the baby not in the room with you. I'm not a pet person at all so I completely feel the veto on life with the dogs. I'd be screaming from the rooftops, but appreciate your willingness to keep the peace.

As far as the parents visiting, it sounds like one set lives in the same city as you/hubby and the other set lives away? if so, what, logically, could the miffedness (made up word of the day) be based on?

Well, we lucked out, I suppose. He's not able to take vacation that week anyway (last man on the totem pole to choose vacation weeks and all August is snapped up).

Since that last post, the "competitiveness" has gotten worse. Both sets of parents live almost equal distance away - 3 for mine, 3.5 for his. So the miffedness (I like it!) is merely because my parents were here twice before they were. His mom is also now hurt that she wasn't "invited" to spend 3 weeks here after the baby was born like my mom was. MIL has all sons and just doesn't seem to realize that a woman and her mom have a certain bond over having a baby. My mom was here to help me - I'm a first time mom and this is a big adjustment! It's something you just learn from your own mom and you can't just "invite" someone else to do it.

We had both families up for our daughter's christening and my mom and sister helped me get the house ready and cook things the day before. Again, his mom was hurt over this - because apparently I'm supposed to have all of my guests clean my house for me the day before a party. :-p She sulked all through the party and she and FIL really ruined the day (the party at least. The baptism itself was beautiful).

Then she pissed me off by telling us how she'd told a friend of hers that our daughter is named after some random great-aunts in DH's family - she's not, she's named after my great-grandmother and we didn't even know about these great-aunts until we told ILs her name! She didn't even appreciate the fact that daughter's middle name is for her own mother, but she has to "steal" the first name?!

We haven't seen them since the baptism, which is fine by me. I feel like they drag my husband down with their guilt trips and constant negativity, and I don't want that for my daughter. I know I can't avoid them forever, but I'd like to try to mitigate the crazy.

Wow, that was quite a vent...

SWTXBelle · #**222** 07-09-2013, 06:24 PM

My bil offered to pay for our hotel room so we could go to Vicksburg for a convention. I was not able to get the convention rate, but my AAA rate was less than any of the other rates for suggested hotels. He is now complaining and indicating he can do better. I am this close to saying the boys and I will just stay home and my husband can stay with bil.

lovespink88 · #**223** 07-30-2013, 04:50 PM

My husband found out that he CANNOT take a day that I had already bought plane tickets for. Womp womp. We were going to take the credit for his flight and use if for a future flight. No big deal.

I get this long text from his mom this morning about the "options she looked into". I had no idea what she was talking about and was very confused. I am not certain but I'm assuming he mentioned to her that he won't be coming home and so she took it upon herself to try to find ways to help. I'm basing this assumption on the fact that I know he does not ask for her help with things like this.

I get that she probably just really wants him to come home to see him but honestly, she would will see him for just a few hours because we're going to be busy with this wedding most of the time we're there.

So the option she offered was to fly him out directly from Colorado Springs to Chicago on the morning of the wedding then he'd fly back with me as scheduled from Chicago to Denver. (We don't ever plan on flying direct from CO Springs cause it's like $300 more for both of us AT LEAST).

Again, very nice of her to...take it upon herself...and try to help us out. But I just don't want her throwing money around for this. It's frustrating to me. We're adults and we can figure this out on our own. If it means he can't go to the wedding, so be it. He can't get the Friday off, it is what it is.

And honestly, as far as her getting to see him, this will probably work better anyways. We were supposed to land in Chicago at 10am Friday and so I know we'd basically have to split time between my family and his from 10am Friday to about 11am Saturday. Then the rest of the time was going to be at the wedding. This way, I can just spend my time with my family, and when he goes home for a wedding in October (I am not going--it's just too many plane tickets) he can spend all that time with his family.

I know I sound ungrateful for having someone who's trying to help...it's just the fact that to me it feels like she's sticking her nose in our business. I did not ask for help, and I can guarantee my husband didn't either.

When I mentioned the fact that Mr. LP wasn't coming home with me in August to my parents they weren't all "oh, let us pay the difference for a flight!" They WON'T do that type of thing and I know it because I was SUPPOSED to go to that other wedding in October and they didn't offer to "fix it" when I told them I wasn't coming home anymore. That's how it should be. We're adults, we need to "fix it".

aephi alum · #**224** 07-31-2013, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellebud

I am smiling. My in laws were terrible bigoted pompous people. Among the few minor things they did...they were happy when I got cancer because that might get me out of the family. They used the k word describing my children and me. FIL is dead and mil now lives else where.

My son is now engaged to a very nice and complicated young woman. They are FAR more religious than we are or will ever be. She wants a very tradition Jewish wedding ceremony. Son wanted to protest. Nope I said....this is important to her. Let it be.

We are paying for most of the wedding. MofB wants a huge wedding. No....I pay...I get a say. I went with my son to find the ring. He purchased a beautiful but smallish stone (a little over a carat).. She loves it.
<snip>

ellebud, I know I'm a bit late to the party here, but can I just say OH MY GOD.

First, how can anyone be HAPPY that someone else gets cancer?? Several of my relatives, including my mother, have died from cancer, and it's horrific. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Second, as for the wedding, remember the Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules. If the MOB wants a huge wedding, great - she can pay for it. You may have to concede on the points of having an Orthodox ceremony and reception with a kosher caterer, but if the MOB wants to invite her father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate, she can damn well pay for him/her.

Third, "a little over a carat" isn't "smallish". The diamond in my engagement ring is 47 points and I'm perfectly happy with it.

AnchorAlumna · #**225** 07-31-2013, 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by groovypq

His mom is also now hurt that she wasn't "invited" to spend 3 weeks here after the baby was born like my mom was. MIL has all sons and just doesn't seem to realize that a woman and her mom have a certain bond over having a baby. My mom was here to help me - I'm a first time mom and this is a big adjustment! It's something you just learn from your own mom and you can't just "invite" someone else to do it.

While it's true that a new mother and her mom have that bond, a new mother and her MIL can bond, too, especially if MIL had all sons and missed having a daughter. Not in the same way, of course, but definitely you could share a special time.
Maybe not for 3 weeks, but a few days, anyway. You can, believe it or not, learn things from your MIL...like how your husband likes his food, how he grew up...and your MIL is your child's grandmother. She deserves some time with the grandchild.
Maybe think about being quick to forgive, slow to anger??

ETA: Don't go to the beach, though!!!