How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[BabyPiNK_FL]

Originally Posted by steelerbear

Okay, here's my (long--sorry about that) story...

Growing Up
My mom has always been an active ΦM alumna, serving as alumnae chapter president, adviser for two collegiate chapters (one of which she helped get its start), and national officer. She would often take me down to one of the chapter houses where she was Adviser and introduce me to the girls who were there. When ΦM's national convention was here in Baltimore, I might have been about 10, but my mom had me putting together about 1,000 goodie bags to help out the local alumnae chapter that was "hosting" convention. Obviously, I had an affinity for the Greek system early on. Heck, I even remember one time I was making a keychain that was pink and silver, with the intent of giving it to my mom for ΦM's silver anniversary (little did I know how old the organization was). I've been on a never-ending Quatrefoil Hunt since I was, oh, about 6. (Side note: one of my mom's "favorite" ΦMs at one of her advised chapters has since gone on to become a pediatrician in the same practice as mine. When I went in for my final appointment with MY pediatrician, I got to meet her again, this time as my sister. Very cool!)



Junior Year of High School
I went with my parents to my mom's Alumni Weekend at her college. She, of course, took me to meet her ΦM sisters. At least one of the girls who was there was a collegian, so already I was being introduced to people whom I would see when I ultimately went to the same college. I even got to take the group picture... practice for all those pictures I'd be taking in college myself.

Senior Year of High School
I auditioned at the conservatory at the college my mom attended in the '60s. I stayed on campus with two girls--one a ZTA (who was actually my hostess), the other a ΦM (her roommate). I was already experiencing the whole "Greek Unity" thing.

Freshman Year of College
I attended the same school as my mom. She had told me on numerous occasions that when I joined a sorority, she would buy me a "pretty badge," so obviously, she wanted me to go through rush. It never dawned on me that it might hurt her if I joined something other than ΦM, even after she had mentioned that she and my dad would be paying my membership dues no matter which group I joined. I'm pretty sure my mom had written my rec letter the day I was born.

My RA was a ΦM, which, of course, my mom found out the second I moved in the dorm. I didn't really have any intent of going through rush, but I did it sort-of to humor my mom. On Bid Day, after the festivities were over, I called my mom and told her I'd joined another group, just to hear her reaction. It was something along the lines of "...(short silence)...Good, congrats, I hope you'll be happy, just let us know what we can do for you." Very supportive, if hurt. But then I told her the truth, that I'd just returned from ΦM's Bid Day. I think the first thing out of her mouth was "you little brat," followed by "when should I come out for Initiation?" Since then, the bond I share with my mom has grown even stronger, but I'm still glad to know she would have supported my decision to go elsewhere.



...Continued...
It wasn't until after I was initiated for at least a few months that I learned my nickname. Because my mom was from that same chapter and highly involved locally and nationally, I'd been nicknamed "The MegaLeg" during rush. Even a year or so later, I still heard that nickname once in a while. It didn't bother me, but it did make me wonder if I'd gotten a bid because of ME or because of MY MOM.

Back to the OP...

Because Mom is a dunce who has placed her own interests above her daughter's happiness. I certainly hope you have gone ahead/do go ahead with writing a rec for daughter! It sounds like she'll need all the support she can get from all the people who'll give it to her.



The whole 'money' thing is a pain in the butt. Even my Little relinquished her membership because she couldn't afford her dues anymore, and that still haunts and hurts me to this day. Not quite along the same line as the OP, but anyway... I have a VERY close friend at church who's 17 and going into her senior year of high school. Her family is not very well-off financially. Neither am I, but because of my love of Greek Life, and because I know Caitlyn (my friend and "little sister I never had") would probably enjoy Greek Life as much as I did, I've already started a savings account just in case she decides to go through recruitment. Her mom (her main care-taker; Dad's a schmuck) doesn't much care for Greek Life, and she doesn't want Caitlyn to get into anything that might cause trouble for her... but I know better. So when Caitlyn is ready to go off to college, wherever that may be, you'd better believe I'll write a rec if I can, and that her dues will already be paid for! Yes, I am aware that I'm crazy.


See my story above. I think my mom did a pretty gosh darn awesome job at pushing (read: not pressuring) me to go through recruitment. She also made it quite clear beforehand that I had her love and support no matter what I chose to do. That, I think, is the sign of a good mother, a good Panhellenic member, and, generally, a good person.

Sister, I want to give you a big ol' hug! I'm sure that your sisters loved YOU for you! You're pretty awesome!

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by steelerbear

Okay, here's my (long--sorry about that) story...

Growing Up
My mom has always been an active ΦM alumna, serving as alumnae chapter president, adviser for two collegiate chapters (one of which she helped get its start), and national officer. She would often take me down to one of the chapter houses where she was Adviser and introduce me to the girls who were there. When ΦM's national convention was here in Baltimore, I might have been about 10, but my mom had me putting together about 1,000 goodie bags to help out the local alumnae chapter that was "hosting" convention. Obviously, I had an affinity for the Greek system early on. Heck, I even remember one time I was making a keychain that was pink and silver, with the intent of giving it to my mom for ΦM's silver anniversary (little did I know how old the organization was). I've been on a never-ending Quatrefoil Hunt since I was, oh, about 6. (Side note: one of my mom's "favorite" ΦMs at one of her advised chapters has since gone on to become a pediatrician in the same practice as mine. When I went in for my final appointment with MY pediatrician, I got to meet her again, this time as my sister. Very cool!)



Junior Year of High School
I went with my parents to my mom's Alumni Weekend at her college. She, of course, took me to meet her ΦM sisters. At least one of the girls who was there was a collegian, so already I was being introduced to people whom I would see when I ultimately went to the same college. I even got to take the group picture... practice for all those pictures I'd be taking in college myself.

Senior Year of High School
I auditioned at the conservatory at the college my mom attended in the '60s. I stayed on campus with two girls--one a ZTA (who was actually my hostess), the other a ΦM (her roommate). I was already experiencing the whole "Greek Unity" thing.

Freshman Year of College
I attended the same school as my mom. She had told me on numerous occasions that when I joined a sorority, she would buy me a "pretty badge," so obviously, she wanted me to go through rush. It never dawned on me that it might hurt her if I joined something other than ΦM, even after she had mentioned that she and my dad would be paying my membership dues no matter which group I joined. I'm pretty sure my mom had written my rec letter the day I was born.

My RA was a ΦM, which, of course, my mom found out the second I moved in the dorm. I didn't really have any intent of going through rush, but I did it sort-of to humor my mom. On Bid Day, after the festivities were over, I called my mom and told her I'd joined another group, just to hear her reaction. It was something along the lines of "...(short silence)...Good, congrats, I hope you'll be happy, just let us know what we can do for you." Very supportive, if hurt. But then I told her the truth, that I'd just returned from ΦM's Bid Day. I think the first thing out of her mouth was "you little brat," followed by "when should I come out for Initiation?" Since then, the bond I share with my mom has grown even stronger, but I'm still glad to know she would have supported my decision to go elsewhere.



...Continued...
It wasn't until after I was initiated for at least a few months that I learned my nickname. Because my mom was from that same chapter and highly involved locally and nationally, I'd been nicknamed "The MegaLeg" during rush. Even a year or so later, I still heard that nickname once in a while. It didn't bother me, but it did make me wonder if I'd gotten a bid because of ME or because of MY MOM.

[snip]

The whole 'money' thing is a pain in the butt. Even my Little relinquished her membership because she couldn't afford her dues anymore, and that still haunts and hurts me to this day. Not quite along the same line as the OP, but anyway... I have a VERY close friend at church who's 17 and going into her senior year of high school. Her family is not very well-off financially. Neither am I, but because of my love of Greek Life, and because I know Caitlyn (my friend and "little sister I never had") would probably enjoy Greek Life as much as I did, I've already started a savings account just in case she decides to go through recruitment. Her mom (her main care-taker; Dad's a schmuck) doesn't much care for Greek Life, and she doesn't want Caitlyn to get into anything that might cause trouble for her... but I know better. So when Caitlyn is ready to go off to college, wherever that may be, you'd better believe I'll write a rec if I can, and that her dues will already be paid for! Yes, I am aware that I'm crazy.


See my story above. I think my mom did a pretty gosh darn awesome job at pushing (read: not pressuring) me to go through recruitment. She also made it quite clear beforehand that I had her love and support no matter what I chose to do. That, I think, is the sign of a good mother, a good Panhellenic member, and, generally, a good person.

Awesome story!

This was the first which made me realize that, as a commuter, my mother saw my preferences on a daily basis, as opposed to the "guess what, I pledged ABC instead of XYZ" phone call. I, too, was paraded in and out of my legacy house & other connections, but it was only with hindsight that I realized that my mother was hurt more because she wanted to please her (by then deceased) mother than because she thought my legacy house was the center of the universe. Just today, I came across her Alpha Delta Pi Mother's Pin - it was with her mother's wedding ring. I was amazed at the importance she had placed with it!

As for the financial aspect, I'm that crazy, too. I wish more sorority women would "go insane"!

[trulygreek]

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.

[trulygreek]

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by trulygreek

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell her daughter about the sorority she is in and what it means to her . . . .

Fixed your post for you.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by trulygreek

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.

Originally Posted by trulygreek

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.
__________________
www.trulygreek.com

You had to re-post to include your spam siggy?

[AGDee]

I have never had to tell my daughter what my sorority means to me because she sees my commitment to it on a daily basis.

[gee_ess]

excellent post steelerbear. I can definitley relate to the undercurrent of love for your mom's GLO that you felt your whole life. I felt the same way growing up and so did my daughters!

[LionTamer]

I'm facing this with a friend from my book club, where several of us attended Penn State and were members of different sororities.

One of the women has a daughter we'll call Susie who is heading off there in the Fall, and I told her how brutal it was there now - that a woman I know had a daughter cut from her top tier sorority even though was a double legacy (mom and grandmom) and had been Homecoming Queen at her high school (meaning she had to have been a halfway decent and attractive percent to get elected by her peers).

My friend just looked at me, and said "Susie WILL be an ABC!". Even though ABC is also top tier. (The one advantage to Penn State is that there are spots in plenty of other, perfectly-good sororities for everyone; the disadvantage is that it sounds like a lot of girls drop out if they don't get into one of the few seen as "top tier").

I'm afraid the two of them may be in for some heartache....

[dgdramadawg]

Originally Posted by LionTamer

I'm afraid the two of them may be in for some heartache....

At least you tried... some people just won't listen until it happens to their little girls.

[dgdramadawg]

I don't want to out the PNM or anything by telling you which house she pledged, but I just thought I'd let those of you know care know that the Mom from the original post DID allow her daughter to pledge another house after she was cut from her legacy house. Thank goodness.

[barbino]

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

I don't want to out the PNM or anything by telling you which house she pledged, but I just thought I'd let those of you know care know that the Mom from the original post DID allow her daughter to pledge another house after she was cut from her legacy house. Thank goodness.

This. Thanks for letting us know about the outcome. I was worried about this PNM. "All's well that ends well ..."

[33girl]

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

I don't want to out the PNM or anything by telling you which house she pledged, but I just thought I'd let those of you know care know that the Mom from the original post DID allow her daughter to pledge another house after she was cut from her legacy house. Thank goodness.

I just hope Mom will truly be happy for her daughter and isn't just giving lip service to the "oh, so glad you found a home" concept.

[psusue]

Originally Posted by LionTamer

(The one advantage to Penn State is that there are spots in plenty of other, perfectly-good sororities for everyone; the disadvantage is that it sounds like a lot of girls drop out if they don't get into one of the few seen as "top tier").

I'm afraid the two of them may be in for some heartache....

This. It's so frustrating to watch all of the beautiful and well-qualified women drop out because the sororities that give them invites back are not considered "top tier". The real kicker is that every sorority has great strengths and that if the women rushing had some foresight they would realize that if they joined XYZ (aka a less-desirable sorority) they could change its image in just a year or so's time. It isn't as much like the South in that reputations do change, and drastically so, within a single new member class. That and so many of the PNMs are beautiful, well-spoken, intelligent, and interesting that there is no way all of them could even fit into a single NM class. Oh, the joys of a large Greek system.

Also thanks for the update, DGdramadawg, I am glad that your friend's daughter found a home after all.

[AnchorAlum]

My daughter went through rush some years ago and pledged my sorority. At my Alma Mater.

She was not happy. She liked a competitor of my house better, but was cut before Prefs because she was still carrying my house (she was sure it would upset me). The competitor figured that she would end up pledging my group. Since she was cut by her favorite, she had little choice at the end.

It ended badly. She dropped out of school and came home after one year, albeit for other reasons, but I can't help but think that it certainly played a part in the overall scheme of things.

I lived in Texas for so many years and saw so many cut throat Mothers and daughters at some of those schools out there, where certain houses would have twice as many legacies as they had spots and the wailing and gnashing of teeth were just incredible. Somehow the daughter lived, graduated and came home, got in the "right" social circles like Junior League (which always mystified me)and the sun came up the next day.

We all have the luxury of hindsight, but at the moment it seems to be the most important thing that's happening on the planet. It's like everything else in your rear view mirror. It shrinks down to nothing.