Can Ex's be "just friends"...

[Love_Spell_6]

I would like to know how you all feel with being "just friends" with an ex. My (ex) and I broke up last night....and he says we should be "just friends." I personally think that if we do go back to having a good friendship,.....it definitely can't be right now...I'm thinking at least a year, if not two.

I know that may sound drastic, but I don't want the lines to get blurred....because I don't play that break up...get back together...nonsense...

How have you all handled ex's???

All comments would be appreciated!

It's amazing how good you can feel once you shake off dead weight!!

[treblk]

I think that the lines can and will get blurred!!!

I speak from experience and from watching one of my girlfriends go through the same thing.
Once you get comfortable with the ex, you know, feelings start to stir and you remember all the good times and downplay some of the reasons you both broke up and before you know it..WHAM!!! yall doing the do ha ha

anway, I think that if you and your ex have a good understanding of your new relationship, and you both know where you stood, then being friends shouldn't be a bad thing, as long as you don't make things more then what they are.

[Love_Spell_6]

Originally posted by treblk
I think that the lines can and will get blurred!!!

I speak from experience and from watching one of my girlfriends go through the same thing.
Once you get comfortable with the ex, you know, feelings start to stir and you remember all the good times and downplay some of the reasons you both broke up and before you know it..WHAM!!! yall doing the do ha ha

Good advice Soror..

Thankx!

[bluz4]

Originally posted by treblk


anway, I think that if you and your ex have a good understanding of your new relationship, and you both know where you stood, then being friends shouldn't be a bad thing, as long as you don't make things more then what they are.

i will have to agree with the rest of your statement. my ex and i are good friends now but it took not speaking for two years and finally a sit down and talk moment. we talk a lot now even though i have a boyfriend and i have tried setting him up with friends. but i think you both have to be on the same page and if you're not, talk things out.

[korkscru]

Originally posted by bluz4


i will have to agree with the rest of your statement. my ex and i are good friends now but it took not speaking for two years and finally a sit down and talk moment. we talk a lot now even though i have a boyfriend and i have tried setting him up with friends. but i think you both have to be on the same page and if you're not, talk things out.

DITTO, Bluz4. I agree with you TOTALLY. The EXACT same thing happened to me, except it took my ex and I almost FOUR years of not speaking before we were FINALLY able to sit down and talk about what went wrong with our relationship. By then, although HE wanted to "rekindle" our relationship, I had moved on and I was very much in love with the man that I am married to (and have TWO children with) today. I remember him telling me, in part, (and I QUOTE) "I wasn't ready for what you were ready for at the time...". As a matter of fact, Bluz4, he's a SIGMA and he "tossed me to the curb" immediately after he went over. That was a devastating time for me. For a LONG time I blamed myself for not being able to "hold on" to him. I mean, THIS was the guy that I wanted to actually MARRY one day. Oh, I thought that maybe I wasn't skinny enough. OR my hair wasn't long enough. OR I was too country (he's from New York). But after we actually were able to be MATURE enough to talk about it and he said that ONE sentence (along with a few more ) to me and he asked about the possibility of rekindling our relationship, I realized that it wasn't MY "stuff", it was HIS. He and I have been able to have a civil relationship since then. We talked regularly for a period of time even after I graduated from undergrad. He taught me a lot...mainly the difference between LUST and LOVE. I haven't talked to him in like over 3 years now. The last time that we talked I informed him that I had married my daughter's father and that I had a new son who was about 7 WEEKS old at that time (my son is now 3 and a half years old).

Love_Spell_6, I said this just to say that it IS possible to be friends (or atleast CIVIL) with your ex. HOWEVER, there HAS TO be CLOSURE about things that went wrong in your relationship with him BEFORE that can happen. Only you and he will be able to determine if a friendship is possible.

[bluz4]

Originally posted by korkscru


Love_Spell_6, I said this just to say that it IS possible to be friends (or atleast CIVIL) with your ex. HOWEVER, there HAS TO be CLOSURE about things that went wrong in your relationship with him BEFORE that can happen. Only you and he will be able to determine if a friendship is possible.

girl did you say CLOSURE?? that is always key. if two people can agree that what happened in the past is over and that they are ready to move forward and just say "bygones" then i think it is possible to move forward as friends.

saying that, an ex of mine from high school (we broke up in college) and i still don't talk. when we see each other, we always end up getting in an argument about "tish" that went on in college. "you did this." and "you did that to me" so i had to tell him to call me when he had reached some closure and had forgiven me for what i had done or not done to him. i wish him all the luck in the world with his new girl and life but i didn't need that sort of drama.

and i think that when you are faced with an ex that hasn't moved passed the past and still wants to brew in that anger and wants you to feel bad, guilty and angry too, you have to be the bigger person to say: "uh, you need to call me when you're ready to GET OVER IT." sometimes hell, we as women (us baggage-carriers), need to be told that too.... can i get an AMEN????

sorry that was just tooo long.

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by bluz4
sometimes hell, we as women (us baggage-carriers), need to be told that too.... can i get an AMEN????

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!

Originally posted by korkscru
I realized that it wasn't MY "stuff", it was HIS.

Girl, I am learning this lesson now!!! It took a while, I internalized EVERYTHING, and took it ALL personal. Because when your feelings are hurt, it is personal, y'know? But it dawned on me (literally, as I was driving one day) that there really is nothing wrong with me. Not my stuff.

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said. Closure is definitely needed, or no friendship will exist. The most recent ex and I, I wouldn't say we were friends, but we can be civil towards each other. The same with other ex's. But I talk to none of them on a regular basis.

[korkscru]

Originally posted by Ideal08


AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!



Girl, I am learning this lesson now!!! It took a while, I internalized EVERYTHING, and took it ALL personal. Because when your feelings are hurt, it is personal, y'know? But it dawned on me (literally, as I was driving one day) that there really is nothing wrong with me. Not my stuff.

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said. Closure is definitely needed, or no friendship will exist. The most recent ex and I, I wouldn't say we were friends, but we can be civil towards each other. The same with other ex's. But I talk to none of them on a regular basis.

TIME is of the essence when one is getting over someone. IT TAKES TIME...some longer than others..., but you better believe that when one breaks up with someone (ESPECIALLY if it was someone that you were REALLY into and it was a BITTER break up), TIME is crucial. Becoming friends with an ex is something that has to be CULTIVATED. It is, by NO means, EASY at all because you haveto RELIVE the hurt and pain.

I am BLESSED to have an understanding and loving husband who is also my friend and we talk about past relationships sometimes (we ALWAYS have). It's nothing that I feel that I haveto HIDE from him because he knew from the beginning how I felt about this person at one time. One great point to this is that my husband knows that it was HE who took my mind off of this person. And he knows that it was HE who showed me that I deserved to be loved and treated the RIGHT way.

During the last conversation that I had with my ex, I could hear the regret, and "I wish I would have"-tone in his voice. As a matter of fact, I would always hear that same tone after we were able to talk about what went wrong in our relationship. And to be quite honest, I would get some kind of self-satisfaction in hearing that because, YES, for a while, I wanted pure, unmitigated REVENGE. I mean, this was what I was WAITING to hear. But then I also realized that HE couldn't change the past...and neither could I. We BOTH were young. It's just that I was willing to stick it out and he wasn't. HE missed out. But PRAISE GOD look at what I found instead.

[JJSP01]

This is a good topic....In my experience, I can never seem to get rid of "ex's". I always end up being better friends than lovers with my ex-boyfriends. There have only been two, but one was for 5 years (all throughout college and one year after) and then my most previous ex was for a little over 4 years. What I learned from my first ex was that I was young and dumb. He taught me sooo much about men, and I tell him this all the time. For him, I'm the "one who got away". My last ex and I were good friends before we decided to date. I think that's why the relationship lasted so long. He was my best guy friend and I loved him because of our bond. Now I realize that he was much better as a friend than boyfriend.

Closure is always a good thing...it definetly helps you get over the hurt, look at the situation as a blessing, and move on.