Friend-Zoned

[RCM2020]

I go to a small liberal arts college, and our fraternities range from 50 to 30 members. We have a couple of potential new members who hang around with us, are excellent in everything we're looking for, but sometimes we get stuck in convincing them to join. Sometimes they play the card, "I can just be your friend and not pay," or we aren't sure of their intentions.

Many of our guys worry also about annoying a PNM or not respecting their disinterest, or we do not openly ask questions about joining. Some can't handle rejection well. So this leads to two questions:

(1) What are some ways to combat a PNM just wanting to be friends and not seeming to buy into the benefits of membership?
(2) Is it too forward/blunt to ask someone after knowing them and getting to know them, "What are you doing? Do you want to join or not?" if they are 'confusing' us (not necessarily that exact wording at all, but having an open conversation)

I hope this makes sense. We're missing something and we aren't sure if we are doing something wrong or just need to move on.

[33girl]

Are you making friends with them because you enjoy their company or are you only making friends with them hoping you can talk them into pledging?

If you're doing it right, THEY should tell YOU they want to pledge. If they honestly say things like "I can be your friend without paying," then honestly, they do not get it, and you really don't want them as brothers.

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by 33girl

If they honestly say things like "I can be your friend without paying," then honestly, they do not get it, and you really don't want them as brothers.

Absolutely this.

When trying to recruit a friend into my professional fraternity for artists, he literally spent 45 minutes explaining to me that he fundamentally has a problem with Greek letter organizations. It took everything I had to tell him "Dude, it takes seconds to just say 'No thanks!'"

I bring this up because the whole "I can be your friend without paying" thing was one of his bullet points.

[AGDee]

If you are ready to offer someone membership, then give them a bid with a deadline to accept or not and let the cards fall where they may. If it is a no, then you stop inviting them to things. No, you don't get the benefits of membership (attending events) if you aren't a member. Period.

[Sciencewoman]

All of this is good advice. I'd offer the bid, and do what AGDee said...the ball is really in your court.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AGDee

If you are ready to offer someone membership, then give them a bid with a deadline to accept or not and let the cards fall where they may. If it is a no, then you stop inviting them to things. No, you don't get the benefits of membership (attending events) if you aren't a member. Period.

Nowhere did the OP say that they were being invited to official fraternity functions. "Hanging around with" doesn't = rush party or other party. It would be a sad commentary if the only people of the same sex that a fraternity man had time for are his brothers or people who were pledging.

[Sciencewoman]

He calls them PNMs, so it sounds like there is interest on both sides. As I read it again, it sounds like more of a rhetorical question about how to handle a situation when someone won't commit, as opposed to asking for advice about a couple of specific guys they're dealing with right now.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Nowhere did the OP say that they were being invited to official fraternity functions. "Hanging around with" doesn't = rush party or other party. It would be a sad commentary if the only people of the same sex that a fraternity man had time for are his brothers or people who were pledging.

I did interpret that as attending parties at the house as a PNM, not just a friend of a couple of the guys. Perhaps the OP could clarify what "hanging out" meant in this context.

[navane]

Maybe *he* is considering them PNMs when the young men in question never had an interest in joining?

[als463]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Are you making friends with them because you enjoy their company or are you only making friends with them hoping you can talk them into pledging?

If you're doing it right, THEY should tell YOU they want to pledge. If they honestly say things like "I can be your friend without paying," then honestly, they do not get it, and you really don't want them as brothers.

I agree with this. I would also say that I've seen women who never saw themselves as the "sorority-type" and they later joined. I've helped women see the benefit of membership through philanthropy and other things like that. You could talk about the benefits and find out what the PNMs may care about most. Some people are really stuck on wanting to network and make connections. There are Alumni Associations for that! Some really care about philanthropy and making a difference. Every GLO that I know of has some philanthropy to get behind. Sure, everyone can be friends minus having to pay the money but, it's not really about the money. Maybe you have payment plans if money is an issue for some of these PNMs. Some people may also benefit from living in the house, if that is a possibility (I know some places don't have houses). It's cheaper many times to live in the house than on campus or off. There are many benefits to membership. You just have to figure out what would appeal to each particular PNM. Good luck!

[PiKA2001]

Do you even rush? You seriously are worried about annoying them by asking if they are interested in pledging?? If you are working them as pnm's and they just want to be FWB's then they should be annoying you because they are wasting your time. Don't treat pnm's as already initiated brothers, treat them as pnm's (like, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?). Are you in a national fraternity or a local? If you are national I recommend you send as many as your guys to your regional conferences and attend the rush/new member workshops. There's a great wealth of information to be learned there for the entire chapter, not just the rush chairs.