Bf from dead chapter

DLanoliN · #1 08-04-2009, 09:04 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for about eight months now. He was Greek in College. I really appreciate this about him, he understand so much more about me than a GDI would. He understands where I take off to several times a year, and why. He understands the bond I have with my sisters and others in the Greek community at my Alma Mater. He was in a large National Fraternity in the South; I am in a very small Local Sorority in the North.

Things are serious-ish. He hasn't had the pleasure of meeting many of my sisters since I am an alumnus and my sisters are scattered across the state and country. A few of us that are tight get together just about every month (including significant others, we are all close). I plan on bringing him to one of these gatherings. I also want to bring him to my College for Alumni Weekend or something.

Under normal circumstances, he would love this sort of thing. However, there is an issue. Shortly after he graduated, his Chapter got into some hazing trouble and was closed. It is a sore subject for him. At times he has spoken about information that I would not normally be privy to. I've commented that I did not know it was alright to share that kind of info or experiences. He gets pretty down about it and says it doesn't matter anymore, they're dead. I can tell some things about his experience are still very sacred to him though. I think one day he might get involved in an Alumni Association of his Fraternity or something, he just isn't ready yet.

My question up for discussion is: Should I bring him to my Alma Mater for a large Greek gathering where ALL my closest friends will be? Should I stick to the small meetings? I'm worried it will depress him, or be a lot of fun. I am of course going to talk to him about this. I just wanted to bounce the situation off some strangers. My GDI friends either don't get my dilemma at all, or don't think I should not bring him because "You guys get out of hand sometimes"

. My Greek friends want me to bring him to "See if he can handle us" lol. Again, I am going to discuss this with him, but some random advice and thoughts might help.

Thanks for reading my babble if you did

BlueCarnation · #2 08-04-2009, 09:20 PM

If he is that important to you and your friends are that important to you, then they are going to have to meet at some point, right? Definitely explain to him what the weekend will entail and see what he thinks. My bf was president of his fraternity in college and has nothing but wonderful memories of it, but being around "all the girls" in that setting would've been way too much for him for a first time meeting. Just be ok with it if he doesn't want to go--relationships are about compromise and if this is hard for him, then go and have fun with your friends, and have them meet him another time at one of your smaller gatherings. Then the next time you have a big reunion, he'll know other guys to hang out with and they can go off and have some beers if they need to!

knight_shadow · #3 08-04-2009, 09:30 PM

I agree that being the only guy at an all-sorority function might seem more daunting than being at an all Greek event.

As an alum, he should be able to handle going to a Greek event (especially if it's important to you). But yea, as you said, you're going to want to ask him.

33girl · #4 08-04-2009, 09:42 PM

First off, no matter what he says, don't refer to it as a "dead chapter" - eek!! A better euphemism is closed or dormant.

Try bringing him to some smaller functions with your friends to get to know them (and their guys) before even contemplating a giant all Greek function. If he attends anything at your school, he's going to have culture shock in a MAJOR way and that would be true even if his chapter was still open. He should at least get to know some of the people who will be there.

If those go well, ask him if he wants to come to the event, but don't put pressure on him at all and don't be upset or offended if he just doesn't want to come. We're having a similar event at Homecoming and for most of the men attending, their chapters are closed. I know that for many of the people there, although our friendships are good and strong, it's going to be bittersweet to be back there and seeing each other, without things in the Greek system like they used to be. If he has to be at something like that without his brothers, it might really suck for him. Or he might be totally ok with it. Honestly, different people have different reactions.

pshsx1 · #5 08-04-2009, 09:46 PM

33girl basically said everything I was going to say. So I second that advice.

DLanoliN · #6 08-05-2009, 09:22 AM

Thanks for all of the comments! He would not by any means be the only guy at what ever event we do (or do not) attend. Our Alumni Weekends are strange, like a literal family reunion. We have a couple hours of ritual stuff one afternoon. Everything else is open. It's actually really cool, a lot of girls bring their significant others. Older alumni sometimes bring their kids (and much like biological family reunions they leave when aunt so-and-so starts getting rowdy lol). Don't get me wrong, there IS a lot of singing and camaraderie and what not. The other Greeks usually have their Alumni Weekends at the same time and there are lots of visits to other houses to party and see old friends.

MysticCat · #7 08-05-2009, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

First off, no matter what he says, don't refer to it as a "dead chapter" - eek!! A better euphemism is closed or dormant.

Or inactive. (And I wouldn't call those "euphemisms." Those are usually the proper terms.)

And also, don't say he "was" a Greek in college or "was" in a large national fraternity. He is still in that fraternity (unless he was expelled when his chapter's charter was pulled). Perhaps he needs to be reminded of that, and reminded that as an alumnus, his fraternity experience can extend far beyond his chapter.

Otherwise, co-sign 33girl.

DLanoliN · #8 08-05-2009, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Or inactive. (And I wouldn't call those "euphemisms." Those are usually the proper terms.)

And also, don't say he "was" a Greek in college or "was" in a large national fraternity. He is still in that fraternity (unless he was expelled when his chapter's charter was pulled). Perhaps he needs to be reminded of that, and reminded that as an alumnus, his fraternity experience can extend far beyond his chapter.

Otherwise, co-sign 33girl.

Ohhh you're very right. I think it is so harsh that he constantly uses words like "dead", "gone", and "over". It does bother me. I'm sorry to use the term myself. Most of the Greeks where I'm from are local. So if something happens to end their chapter at our school, the chapter is literally dead, it's the lingo we use there.
He was not expelled. The incident did not involve him, and he was shocked by it. I think once he gets over the bitterness he'll reunite and get involved with some of his brothers somehow.

33girl · #9 08-05-2009, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DLanoliN

Ohhh you're very right. I think it is so harsh that he constantly uses words like "dead", "gone", and "over". It does bother me.

He was not expelled. The incident did not involve him, and he was shocked by it. I think once he gets over the bitterness he'll reunite and get involved with some of his brothers somehow.

I think that's a guy thing. He's venting. It's all the more upsetting when it wasn't a simple chapter vs nationals thing, but members did things that their own chapter brothers found beyond the pale. He's also probably wrestling with things like "damn, I voted those noodleheads in." You beat yourself up in a million ways when it happens - in that sense, it really is like a death.