What to tell overconfident PNMs

[tld221]

Originally Posted by chitownxo

One of the young ladies I work with is planning on rushing this fall (she'll be a freshman). She has spent several hours looking at sorority websites to figure out which sorority she is going to join. She's mentioned several chapters that she thinks are beneath her, as she is "blonde and petite" and is sure the top chapter will snatch her up. In fact, she's bought some t-shirts with "her" letters on them already. A couple of us have tried to tell her that's it's a mutual selection process (you may have decided you're a perfect XYZ, but that doesn't mean XYZ will agree). She just looks blankly at us and says, "But I'm blonde and petite." Sometimes you've just got let someone do what they want...and be very glad that your sorority is not at her school.

LMAO. i can't imagine anyone, regardless of age or looks, saying something so narcissistic.

Originally Posted by chitownxo

Oh, I've got a great way to let her future sisters know. Another one of our co-workers is hosting a BBQ next month, and Ms. Blonde and Petite has asked if she can wear "her" letters. My friend happily agreed, and we're both planning on bringing our cameras and taking a few pictures.

LOL i know this post is old but thats hilarious! i SO wish i could do that to overconfident NPHC interests, but that would end their run as an interest, and potentially their social life (and cause for a good ol fashioned beatdown).

plus i'd be just as wrong for telling a GDI to wear XYZ letters.

Originally Posted by 33girl

This is one of the reasons I dislike the term "potential new member" in place of "rushee." It makes it sound like becoming a new member is a sure thing. Rushee is someone going through the rush process, no more, no less. It's much more accurate and doesn't assume anything about your "potential."

Originally Posted by kathykd2005

Potential just means they COULD potentially be a new member, it doesn't necessarily mean that they hold potential themselves. It's basically just telling them they are a "maybe" new member; it's not a sure thing. It would definitely be different if members of houses were telling PNMs that they have "potential," however.

again, old, but this bears repeating. the P is way more important than the NM part. just start calling your PNMs "potentials."

[FSUZeta]

speaking of which, i just got back from assisting my daughters chapter during their recruitment and heard of a mom who called panhellenic concerned that there had been a computer glitch since her daughter was only invited back to one house out of a possible 3. no, the glitch was that her daughter had blatantly let it be known that she was only interested in one specific sorority and the sororities all listened to her and all but one dropped her, AND her chosen sorority didn't invite her back. pnms, don't be this stupid.

[KSUViolet06]

In terms of PNMs who are overconfident about getting into certain chapters:

If you think you're the best fit for ABC, chances are good that EVERY OTHER PNM in your group thinks the same thing, and logically, everyone cannot be "perfect for ABC."

That's just how things work.

Also, it doesn't matter if Ally ABC who lives on your dorm floor/is in your class/you met at a fraternity house says "you'd soooo be perfect for us" and "you're sooo in."

Chances are good that alot of girls have a friend in ABC who said the SAME thing.

[RhoGamma09]

When I went through, I remember this one PNM sitting next to me, and we were all leaving the house tour party, and she goes, "WELL! I was dropped from all the other houses, so I KNOW I am coming here, I can sleep well tonight! I dont have to worry about where my bid will be!" She said this while in ear shot of a few members of the house and their faces were priceless.

Needless to say, she didnt get a bid.

[RhoGamma09]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

In terms of PNMs who are overconfident about getting into certain chapters:

If you think you're the best fit for ABC, chances are good that EVERY OTHER PNM in your group thinks the same thing, and logically, everyone cannot be "perfect for ABC."

That's just how things work.

Also, it doesn't matter if Ally ABC who lives on your dorm floor/is in your class/you met at a fraternity house says "you'd soooo be perfect for us" and "you're sooo in."

Chances are good that alot of girls have a friend in ABC who said the SAME thing.

Cheers, I agree.

If you are a PNM reading this and you havent gone through your first round of recruitment yet, I urge you to get any idea of "where you think you belong" out of your head. Think about it this way, do you make friends by looking around a room, finding who looks like what you think you should be friends with, then walking over to them and forcing yourself on them? No. You meet people, get to know them, and then decide.

Its not like high school where people become friends with the "cool kids" just to be cool and have "status" too, (and then end up hating each other and being backstabbing brats).

You dont know a sorority until you MEET the chapter.

[KSUViolet06]

I think alot of overconfidence stems from PNMs having been the "big fish" in their HS environments.

Some girls are most popular, valedictorian, etc. and pretty much the Mother Theresa of their senior class. They've gotten everything they wanted, so they figure "why shouldn't recruitment be any different?"

They don't realize that depending on their school, the entire PNM pool is just as much of a High School Mother Theresa as they are. It's a big shock to them because they've never had to compete for anything.

Parents don't help this either. I find that unless Mom is VERY knowledgeable about recruitment (or has friends who are), she likely assumes that things will simply go her daughter's way, and doesn't really prepare her for the possibility of any sort of disappointment or rejection.

[WestcoastWonder]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

In terms of PNMs who are overconfident about getting into certain chapters:

If you think you're the best fit for ABC, chances are good that EVERY OTHER PNM in your group thinks the same thing, and logically, everyone cannot be "perfect for ABC."

That's just how things work.

Also, it doesn't matter if Ally ABC who lives on your dorm floor/is in your class/you met at a fraternity house says "you'd soooo be perfect for us" and "you're sooo in."

Chances are good that alot of girls have a friend in ABC who said the SAME thing.

I can't agree with this anymore!!!

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by WestcoastWonder

I can't agree with this anymore!!!

Typo? Or is "anymore" the new "apart"?

[MaryPoppins]

Originally Posted by Jen

I think they've gone so overboard PC in trying to make it look like everyone gets a trophy that they set up totally unrealistic expectations for the PNMs. I still think we should go back to calling it rush, to saying "the sororities are choosing you" and being honest about how it all works.

^^^ This would be for the best understanding by the PNMs and their families which is why it won't happen.

[violetsnlions]

I have also been thinking a lot about this topic this past weekend after seeing an HBO special about trophies and youth sports. I used to think the "everybody gets a trophy" thing was hyperbole, but apparently it is common. I'm in my mid-30's, and it wasn't the case when I was a kid. I now have kids of my own, but they aren't at the age where they are playing organized sports.

I have encountered a few PNMs who are over-confident, and plenty who are grounded in reality. I recently met a young woman who had done pageants all through high school, but had never won a pageant. When I talked with her about bracing for disappointments (she is attending a large SEC school), she said that she had no illusions about the fact that she WILL (not might) be cut and she had learned how to handle disappointment because of her pageant experience. She stated that she thinks recruitment will be a lot like pageants -- lots of attractive, well qualified, involved and well spoken girls, but only one gets first.

I've never been a huge fan of pageants, but the way she talked, it made me think of it in a whole different light. This was a young woman who knows she is talented, but has the self-awareness to know she isn't the best -- a stark contrast to some girls I'd met. Then, this last weekend I saw this Real Sports talking about our "trophy nation" and how giving kids continual medals for being last is actually harmful to their brains and neurological reward system.

It made me realize that recruitment for some young women might be the first time in their life they experience real disappointment -- and the coddling and praise some girls and teens get from parents and teachers make them very ill prepared for the realities of recruitment. People are often quick to judge the recruitment system and process, but it just made me wonder, what kind of message does it send if we give this illusion that it is truly mutual selection? Perhaps it should be rephrased at "Primary/Secondary" selection -- meaning sororites get to make the primary selection, and a PNM makes the secondary selection, IF she has multiple selections.

http://www.mensjournal.com/adventure/races-sports/how-participation-trophies-are-making-our-kids-soft-20150725

[33girl]

I think that the phrase mutual selection is correct at some recruitments, and those recruitments are often the ones where the pool of rushees is made up mostly of what are called maybe joiners. In that case I think it's a good thing to say, and alleviates rushees' fears that they might end up somewhere or in something they don't want.

There have always been girls who were "miss everything" at their hs and got to rush and didn't get what they wanted.

[33girl]

What slays me the most about this generation is how the kids are perfectly OK with their parents calling and complaining about them not getting into this or that Group, bad grades, etc. I was very sheltered and closer to my parents than most kids of my generation, but if my mother would have said anything to anyone asking why I didn't get in to a certain sorority's pref party, I would have been MORTIFIED and wanted to quit school.

[violetsnlions]

Originally Posted by 33girl

What slays me the most about this generation is how the kids are perfectly OK with their parents calling and complaining about them not getting into this or that Group, bad grades, etc. I was very sheltered and closer to my parents than most kids of my generation, but if my mother would have said anything to anyone asking why I didn't get in to a certain sorority's pref party, I would have been MORTIFIED and wanted to quit school.

Agreed.... I feel second-hand embarrassment for both parents and kids when I see parents going where they have no business going. Some of the outspokenness I've seen from alums about their disappointments about their legacy being cut ON NATIONAL FB pages is sooooooo cringe-worthy to me. If my mom had ever done that I'd throw her phone and computer in a lake.

[LAblondeGPhi]

Originally Posted by violetsnlions

I have also been thinking a lot about this topic this past weekend after seeing an HBO special about trophies and youth sports. I used to think the "everybody gets a trophy" thing was hyperbole, but apparently it is common. I'm in my mid-30's, and it wasn't the case when I was a kid. I now have kids of my own, but they aren't at the age where they are playing organized sports.

I have encountered a few PNMs who are over-confident, and plenty who are grounded in reality. I recently met a young woman who had done pageants all through high school, but had never won a pageant. When I talked with her about bracing for disappointments (she is attending a large SEC school), she said that she had no illusions about the fact that she WILL (not might) be cut and she had learned how to handle disappointment because of her pageant experience. She stated that she thinks recruitment will be a lot like pageants -- lots of attractive, well qualified, involved and well spoken girls, but only one gets first.

I've never been a huge fan of pageants, but the way she talked, it made me think of it in a whole different light. This was a young woman who knows she is talented, but has the self-awareness to know she isn't the best -- a stark contrast to some girls I'd met. Then, this last weekend I saw this Real Sports talking about our "trophy nation" and how giving kids continual medals for being last is actually harmful to their brains and neurological reward system.

It made me realize that recruitment for some young women might be the first time in their life they experience real disappointment -- and the coddling and praise some girls and teens get from parents and teachers make them very ill prepared for the realities of recruitment. People are often quick to judge the recruitment system and process, but it just made me wonder, what kind of message does it send if we give this illusion that it is truly mutual selection? Perhaps it should be rephrased at "Primary/Secondary" selection -- meaning sororites get to make the primary selection, and a PNM makes the secondary selection, IF she has multiple selections.

http://www.mensjournal.com/adventure/races-sports/how-participation-trophies-are-making-our-kids-soft-20150725

So many good points here.

I do kind of like the primary/secondary selection thing, but it's just not as catchy a phrase. I wonder if part of the solution to the mutual selection messaging is to emphasize the competition among PNMs. During orientation, point out that each sorority will only get to take a quota's worth of girls, and then make that really clear to the girls.

To use Alabama 2014 as an example: of the 2,276 women registered, quota is expected to be about 120. That means that YOUR favorite chapter can only bid about 5% of the PNMs. Same with your second favorite, and your third favorite. With those numbers, keep in mind that it can be much easier for YOU to decide the order that you prefer the 17 chapters, but it is extremely difficult for the chapters to decide which women they will invite back each day.

Just like college admissions, this is a numbers game: keep an open mind for all of the chapters, and you will find a home. If you have your sights set only on Harvard, Stanford and Yale, then you have to accept the risk that you may not get into any college at all.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by carnation

This year, I know of 5 PNMs who claim that they won't be getting recs for SEC rush, something along the lines of "if they don't like me for who I am, I don't want to belong". Um, we're talking about 2 different things here. Move along.

All I can say to that is bless their hearts.

Originally Posted by 33girl

What slays me the most about this generation is how the kids are perfectly OK with their parents calling and complaining about them not getting into this or that Group, bad grades, etc. I was very sheltered and closer to my parents than most kids of my generation, but if my mother would have said anything to anyone asking why I didn't get in to a certain sorority's pref party, I would have been MORTIFIED and wanted to quit school.

I would have dropped out and started over again at another school never to be seen or heard from again had my mother done something like that. I might also have possibly considered changing my name.