"Marriage is for White People" (Today on Michael Baisden)

[CrimsonTide4]

Originally posted by Angel11E01
Heeeey! Marriage isn't for white people. I just got engaged!

Congratulations!!!

[starang21]

Originally posted by Angel11E01
I just got engaged!

congrats

[Exquisite5]

WHAT.I.AM.GOING.TO.SAY.IS.GOING.TO.BE.UNPOPULAR.

I think alot of this has to do with the sexual revolution. I think white America bought into the sexual revolution LONG Black before America did. Most white men, I think, are already adjusted to a woman being sexually free and can actually have a relationship with a woman, and see her as a potential mate if he falls in love with her, EVEN IF she gave it up a little easily in the beginning.

However, the sexual revolution took hold in Black America a little slower, and even slower when it comes to the mindsets of Black men. So while Black women are getting degreed up and enjoying their sexual freedom many Black men still hold against the very women they are sleeping with and honestly developing feelings for, the circumstances of their first hook up. I know of numerous sitations at my HBCU law school where a couple hooks up kind of casually, they BOTH develop feelings, but the man just can't get over the fact that the interaction started with sex that was more casual than not. I truly know guys who started out having casual sex with a girl, really grew to love her, but won't make her is gal let alone his wife because he says, "I can't turn a h* into a housewife." Now, clearly these women aren't whores, but some Black men, I truly believe, can't get over the fact that women own their sexuality and sometimes <GASP> have sex for fun too.

I think these situations occur most when high degreed women are involved because many of us are trying to get sexual fixes (no judgment here) while we pursue our careers and degrees -- we don't go into professional school looking for mate. In our heads we just want fun; however while there we meet someone we feel for and he feels for us, but he can't get past us taking care of ours.

I started law school dang near engaged so while I personally didn't go thorugh this I have identified the phenomenom in a good number of people I know. So degreed ladies start to date non-Black men (b/c many of the Black men they know will never say it out loud but consider them used up) and the hang up about sex without love just isn't there, so if/when love comes it is unadulterated by the man's opinion.

This is just my 0.08 cents and clearly I am NOT saying the ENTIRE problem addressed in the article is defined by what I've just said. I would NEVER over-simplify like that, but I do think what I've said is the part of the issue no one wants to talk about.

[CrimsonTide4]

Exquisite, you are so right. I agree with what you said and have encountered what you are talking about.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by Exquisite5
WHAT.I.AM.GOING.TO.SAY.IS.GOING.TO.BE.UNPOPULAR.

I AGREE WITH THIS 1908%

Originally posted by Exquisite5
I think alot of this has to do with the sexual revolution. I think white America bought into the sexual revolution LONG Black before America did. Most white men, I think, are already adjusted to a woman being sexually free and can actually have a relationship with a woman, and see her as a potential mate if he falls in love with her, EVEN IF she gave it up a little easily in the beginning.

Moreover, we many African American women may have gotten caught up back in the day with unplanned pregnancies and other items with that so called "experimentation"--due to this "revolution".

Originally posted by Exquisite5
However, the sexual revolution took hold in Black America a little slower, and even slower when it comes to the mindsets of Black men. So while Black women are getting degreed up and enjoying their sexual freedom many Black men still hold against the very women they are sleeping with and honestly developing feelings for, the circumstances of their first hook up. I know of numerous sitations at my HBCU law school where a couple hooks up kind of casually, they BOTH develop feelings, but the man just can't get over the fact that the interaction started with sex that was more casual than not. I truly know guys who started out having casual sex with a girl, really grew to love her, but won't make her is gal let alone his wife because he says, "I can't turn a h* into a housewife." Now, clearly these women aren't whores, but some Black men, I truly believe, can't get over the fact that women own their sexuality and sometimes <GASP> have sex for fun too.

Moreover, it is the classic wanting the "cake" and "eating it", too syndrome, along with "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free" attitude... Oh, they wanna sleep with you and get it on and say just about anything so that you will believe them. Hayle, you may wanna sleep with them! But the minute a woman starts talking about something more than "friends" with meaningfulness--oh, misogyny sets in. Alice Walker talks a bit about that in "You Can't Keep a Good Woman Down" and the views of Black women by Black men and its discrepancy when it comes to pornography... Oh they be lookin' and probably touchin', but definitely don't take a sistah seriously anymore than "friends with benefits".

Now a highly educated sistah can let her "dry season" set in and be happy with that, but the longing of "touch" is a very powerful thing.

There is another issue too, some of our Brothamen are not very sexually explicit--so to speak. Like they don't like to get busy. They actually DO like the mind-body connection--the spooning, the hugging, the kissing without sexual intercourse. Some of our Brotha's are shall I say, "visual learners"--the burlesque and playboy--they like to look and oogle and that's about it.

Sometimes our Brothaman, just wants to be heard or their senses "expanded"... It touches them in such a way that gives them a different viewpoint in life...

And some Sistahs are "cold fish". Oh they lie on their back and are not into gymnastics, making it uneventful for some men because of some perceived strictly conservative viewpoint of how sex should be done. There is no connection--and if anything, I find a lot of Sistahs have that capability to acheive a "sexual expansion"or tantra, but have little idea of how to use it...

Of course you might get called a "voodoo high priestess" if you actually do that kinna stuh...

[Angel11E01]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
I AGREE WITH THIS 1908%



Moreover, we many African American women may have gotten caught up back in the day with unplanned pregnancies and other items with that so called "experimentation"--due to this "revolution".



Moreover, it is the classic wanting the "cake" and "eating it", too syndrome, along with "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free" attitude... Oh, they wanna sleep with you and get it on and say just about anything so that you will believe them. Hayle, you may wanna sleep with them! But the minute a woman starts talking about something more than "friends" with meaningfulness--oh, misogyny sets in. Alice Walker talks a bit about that in "You Can't Keep a Good Woman Down" and the views of Black women by Black men and its discrepancy when it comes to pornography... Oh they be lookin' and probably touchin', but definitely don't take a sistah seriously anymore than "friends with benefits".

Now a highly educated sistah can let her "dry season" set in and be happy with that, but the longing of "touch" is a very powerful thing.

There is another issue too, some of our Brothamen are not very sexually explicit--so to speak. Like they don't like to get busy. They actually DO like the mind-body connection--the spooning, the hugging, the kissing without sexual intercourse. Some of our Brotha's are shall I say, "visual learners"--the burlesque and playboy--they like to look and oogle and that's about it.

Sometimes our Brothaman, just wants to be heard or their senses "expanded"... It touches them in such a way that gives them a different viewpoint in life...

And some Sistahs are "cold fish". Oh they lie on their back and are not into gymnastics, making it uneventful for some men because of some perceived strictly conservative viewpoint of how sex should be done. There is no connection--and if anything, I find a lot of Sistahs have that capability to acheive a "sexual expansion"or tantra, but have little idea of how to use it...

Of course you might get called a "voodoo high priestess" if you actually do that kinna stuh...

woo chile. Did it just get really hot in here?
is there a blushing icon? LOL

[Honeykiss1974]

Good post ladies!

Oh yeah, congrats on the engagement Angel11E011!

*you're his Queen tooo be!!!!!!!!!!!*

[Angel11E01]

thanks everybody for the well wishes.

[Jill1228]

As a sistah, this really stuns me. So many of OUR kids are growing up in broken and unstable homes. I read a statistic somewhere that 68% of children born to Black women are out of wedlock.

What can we do to kill this trend and kill this whack attitude that kids have? If we don't, the cycle will never be broken...

**SMH** (Scratching my head)

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
Shoot, I don't even have a real answer. I'm just sad to hear that kids think "marriage is for white folks".....

[tld221]

Originally posted by Jill1228
As a sistah, this really stuns me. So many of OUR kids are growing up in broken and unstable homes. I read a statistic somewhere that 68% of children born to Black women are out of wedlock.

and a follow up statistic, i believe i heard that a black child is more likely to be raised in a 2 family home during slavery than present-day.

What can we do to kill this trend and kill this whack attitude that kids have? If we don't, the cycle will never be broken...

**SMH** (Scratching my head)

well i would say start by leading by example. if the child sees positive images of black people they can RELATE to getting married, then maybe that midset will change. i'm still amazed when i meet people whose parents are still married (and more surprised when theyre black--and i mean American vs. Carribean).

EVERY black marriage i've known in life has ended in divorce:

• my grandparents on both sides: on both side, my grandfathers were lying cheating whores, alcoholics, abusers of all sorts... which caused my mother's mother to remarry (a Puerto Rican) and my father's mother to stay alone. same for my great-grandmother, who had 9 children by her husband before splitting up and remarrying the man I knew as "grandpa."
• my friends' parents: thinking of my closest black friends, they are all raised by a single parent (most likele single mom, but i have just as many friends who are raised by a single father, typically cause the mother died or is unstable. i THINK i have ONE black friend with parents still married - and notice i say "still" - even in my wording, my assumption is that marriage is not permanent.
• black TV couples: aside from the huxtables, winslows and banks, what black tv show depict a black couple married? and even then, was that model RELATABLE?
• and let's count the number of young black women in my life that show no desire or need to get married.

even my model marriage (my doctor aunt and entrepreneurial/ex-NAVY uncle) is on the rocks (issues of wanting children, i think ive brought it up here before. my other aunt, who married 3 different times (all outside the race mind you) ended in divorce.

long story short, i dont know... but i, too, am of the persuasion of no marriage (if you couldnt tell).

[FeeFee]

Originally posted by Exquisite5
WHAT.I.AM.GOING.TO.SAY.IS.GOING.TO.BE.UNPOPULAR.

Get it said Soror!!!

[Angel11E01]

I don't know...I guess I'm in the small minority of people who was actually raised by both parents, whom actually stayed married until death [did they part].. And quite honestly, for quite some time, I thought my reality was common for black people. Apparently not! I really began to see that the nuclear family was not a reality for many of my peers in high school, college and beyond.

So, a lot of values and the way I see certain things is obviously based on my own experience. Hence, the surprise that somebody would actually say 'marriage is for white people'.

Now that I think about it, the breakdown in the nuclear black family unit happened 400 years ago. Our men were emasculated and taken away from their 'families', and our women were relegated to being the consummate mammy/whore. Do you think that this mindset still filters down through our current generation (if only subconsciously)?

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by Angel11E01

Now that I think about it, the breakdown in the nuclear black family unit happened 400 years ago. Our men were emasculated and taken away from their 'families', and our women were relegated to being the consummate mammy/whore. Do you think that this mindset still filters down through our current generation (if only subconsciously)?

I know some of yall my kick me out of GC, but as crazy as some of the mess that was posted by that one Alpha (I can't think of his name but it was PH-something), he did post some information concerning the 60s/70s feminist movement and its effects on the black family that I that I TOTALLY agreed with.

I say that because I think this was during a time period of not only when our families were beginning to fall apart but also our sense of "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality as well. I'm sure we all can remember growing (regardless if you lived in the South or the North/small town or large city) of the whole neighborhood watching out for you (and telling your momma too). Even if your parents weren't together, there were other adults that you could look to in the community.

That's not the case anymore.

[Rain Man]

Exquisite, your post was on point and well said.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

*RM sits down and SMH at how freakin' far our socieity has degenerated*

[treblk]

Originally posted by Angel11E01
I don't know...I guess I'm in the small minority of people who was actually raised by both parents, whom actually stayed married until death [did they part].. And quite honestly, for quite some time, I thought my reality was common for black people. Apparently not! I really began to see that the nuclear family was not a reality for many of my peers in high school, college and beyond.

You are not alone, I grew up with both of my parents, so it is MY reality for a 2 parent household. Though my parents are Nigerian, I still believe that if they weren't they would still stay together.

I know a couple that have been together for well over 10 years, not married, but common-law wife and husband.