Having a girlfriend and pledging?

brahmajeep · #1 08-09-2007, 06:39 PM

Hello everyone,

I'll tell you my story in short and I really want advice from those who can tell me the truth on what I should do.

I have a girlfriend and we are serious. We've been together for a while and I plan on being with her for a while. I really want to join a certain fraternity for so many reasons. I've found that these are all guys I get along with, trust, and really want to be apart of this fraternity for the brothers and the fun with the brothers that I will have. On the other hand, my girlfriend thinks that the fraternity is going to force me to do things that are going to destroy our relationship. Things like force me to take other girls to closed socials, make me go to events/retreats where we go to stripclubs, ect, ect.

I have the attitude that I want to join because its something that is important to me, and I have lots of idea of how I can help better the fraternity and become close with the guys. But my girlfriend is also important to me, and if I feel like they force me to do things that are going to tear my relationship apart and are against my own morals (I will NOT go to a stripclub regardless...I just refuse to support somethin like that honestly).

Now, please honestly answer this question. Will it be a problem?

James · #2 08-09-2007, 06:45 PM

If you want to join a fraternity join a fraternity.

It won't destroy your relationship unless you allow it.

In terms of time it little different than adding a part time job to your life. And no one is going to force you to hook up with other girls . . . more for your brothers if you don't.

Animate · #3 08-09-2007, 06:48 PM

Its very much possible but she has to understand why this is important to you. I honestly think she's just a little scared of a new situation.

howtheSunrose · #4 08-09-2007, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brahmajeep

Hello everyone,

I'll tell you my story in short and I really want advice from those who can tell me the truth on what I should do.

I have a girlfriend and we are serious. We've been together for a while and I plan on being with her for a while. I really want to join a certain fraternity for so many reasons. I've found that these are all guys I get along with, trust, and really want to be apart of this fraternity for the brothers and the fun with the brothers that I will have. On the other hand, my girlfriend thinks that the fraternity is going to force me to do things that are going to destroy our relationship. Things like force me to take other girls to closed socials, make me go to events/retreats where we go to stripclubs, ect, ect.

I have the attitude that I want to join because its something that is important to me, and I have lots of idea of how I can help better the fraternity and become close with the guys. But my girlfriend is also important to me, and if I feel like they force me to do things that are going to tear my relationship apart and are against my own morals (I will NOT go to a stripclub regardless...I just refuse to support somethin like that honestly).

Now, please honestly answer this question. Will it be a problem?

To echo the others, it should not be a problem. There will probably be some rocky times but also long as you keep communication open it should be fine. As for taking other girls to closed socials, I have not heard of it. Maybe it is just not a part of our campus culture, but guys can take whomever they want to formals (greek or non Greek). You'll probably have swaps with other sororities. I know there is some rowdy behavior during pledging and membership but if you're not comfortable with something in the first place make that clear. If you reassure her and keep her aware of what's going on (not rituals, but events), things should go smoothly.

SnuKnight172 · #5 08-09-2007, 08:46 PM

If you think that your relationship is strong and that it can stand a few months of less time spent together than go for it. I liken the time commitment to pledging to having two additional classes. And I liken being an active member to having one additional class.

As for the strip clubs and taking other girls to closed socials: if the chapter you are planning on rushing is how you say they are they will not force anything on you.

TrevorG · #6 08-09-2007, 08:49 PM

I don't know about the specific chapter you are thinking of joining, but a good Fraternity will be very accommodating for guys with girlfriends. A "closed social" would basically just be your chapter spending time with a sorority, you don't really bring "dates". It is possible that your girlfriend may be allowed to attend, but honestly if she doesn't trust you to hang out with other girls for a few hours and not cheat on her then you probably have more serious problems.

I've never heard of an official brotherhood retreat to a strip club. It sounds super tacky, but I suppose its not impossible. The chapter wouldn't attempt to force you to attend something like this if it actually happened. Strip clubs are only fun when you go with more girls then guys anyways.

I would suggest that you join an organization that already has a high number of brothers in relationships, or has a positive reputation for being gentlemen amongst the girls at your school.

PrettyBoy · #7 08-09-2007, 11:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brahmajeep

Hello everyone,

I'll tell you my story in short and I really want advice from those who can tell me the truth on what I should do.

I have a girlfriend and we are serious. We've been together for a while and I plan on being with her for a while. I really want to join a certain fraternity for so many reasons. I've found that these are all guys I get along with, trust, and really want to be apart of this fraternity for the brothers and the fun with the brothers that I will have. On the other hand, my girlfriend thinks that the fraternity is going to force me to do things that are going to destroy our relationship. Things like force me to take other girls to closed socials, make me go to events/retreats where we go to stripclubs, ect, ect.

I have the attitude that I want to join because its something that is important to me, and I have lots of idea of how I can help better the fraternity and become close with the guys. But my girlfriend is also important to me, and if I feel like they force me to do things that are going to tear my relationship apart and are against my own morals (I will NOT go to a stripclub regardless...I just refuse to support somethin like that honestly).

Now, please honestly answer this question. Will it be a problem?

You said to be honest so I will. You might as well make a choice right now. Either join the fraternity or dump your girl. The fact that she's put it in her mind that it's going to destroy the relationship if you join should tell you that she's going to dump you anyway because of her own insecurities. She sounds very insecure to me. Trust me, SHE WILL DUMP YOU if you join.

brahmajeep · #8 08-10-2007, 02:14 AM

You promise that she'll dump me? Excuse me, but how can you be so sure? You don't know her, or anything about our relationship besides the fact that we've been together for awhile.

James · #9 08-10-2007, 03:13 AM

I understand your girlfriend is important to you, but ultimately this is an important personal decision of yours. I am surprised that you would need her to be ok with something you wanted to do with your own life . . .

If she was totally against it would you not join? How odd if you wouldn't.

brahmajeep · #10 08-10-2007, 03:26 AM

Thanks AXIDGIRL for your input..I think you're right about her being so skeptical because she doesnt really know whats going to happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by James

I understand your girlfriend is important to you, but ultimately this is an important personal decision of yours. I am surprised that you would need her to be ok with something you wanted to do with your own life . . .

If she was totally against it would you not join? How odd if you wouldn't.

No no, this is my decision. Im not sure that shes totally against it either, I just know she doesnt like the idea. Im not going to NOT rush because shes against it. I guess my concern is 2 issues:

1. I dont want to be forced to do anything against my own morals that would endanger my relationship with my girlfriend. Sounds crazy, but I really dont know what to expect. I've never pledged before...

2. If its gonna be really hard, I want to have a heads up. And why its gonna be hard.

I really appreciate everyones input... I would still like to get peoples experiances if your willign to share!

James · #11 08-10-2007, 04:02 AM

No group of fraternity guys is going to be able to compel you to go against strong convictions. They wouldn't have the leverage. If you have any kind of will power you will only do what you believe to be acceptable.

As far as hard. Don't be silly. The vast majority of people that pledge get in. Obviously it can't be "hard."

If the drop out rate was like 50% then maybe . . . You are not joining the SEALS. Relax.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brahmajeep

Thanks AXIDGIRL for your input..I think you're right about her being so skeptical because she doesnt really know whats going to happen.

No no, this is my decision. Im not sure that shes totally against it either, I just know she doesnt like the idea. Im not going to NOT rush because shes against it. I guess my concern is 2 issues:

1. I dont want to be forced to do anything against my own morals that would endanger my relationship with my girlfriend. Sounds crazy, but I really dont know what to expect. I've never pledged before...

2. If its gonna be really hard, I want to have a heads up. And why its gonna be hard.

I really appreciate everyones input... I would still like to get peoples experiances if your willign to share!

PrettyBoy · #12 08-10-2007, 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brahmajeep

You promise that she'll dump me? Excuse me, but how can you be so sure? You don't know her, or anything about our relationship besides the fact that we've been together for awhile.

No, I don't know her, or anything about your relationship, but if you two have been together for a while like you say you have then she shouldn't be as insecure as you're making her sound. She should support your decision to join.

No I can't promise you or her anything, but yeah, I do think she's going to dump you dude. Bold statement? Well, you asked for honest opinions here, so I gave you mine and I'm not sugar coating anything. I'm just telling you whats going to happen. I hope it doesn't, but she sounds shakey as hell to me.

CrimsonBlues · #13 08-10-2007, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

No, I don't know her, or anything about your relationship, but if you two have been together for a while like you say you have then she shouldn't be as insecure as you're making her sound. She should support your decision to join.

No I can't promise you or her anything, but yeah, I do think she's going to dump you dude. Bold statement? Well, you asked for honest opinions here, so I gave you mine and I'm not sugar coating anything. I'm just telling you whats going to happen. I hope it doesn't, but she sounds shakey as hell to me.

My boyfriend went to college a year ahead of me. His school had deferred rush, and I spent the entire first semester nervous that he was going to cave in to the pressure to be Greek at this school (I believe something like 40% of this school's men join a fraternity).

Anyway, we made it through January without him rushing, and I was so relieved that he was going to remain independent. Then one day, he tells me that he's going to a fraternity to watch a basketball game. The next weekend, he was going to a barbecue at the fraternity. Turns out, a newer fraternity on campus had had a disappointing rush, and was looking to extend some snap bids. They extended one to my boyfriend, and he accepted.

I was so incredibly upset. I knew for sure that the fraternity was going to take over his life, that he was going to meet some glamorous sorority girl at a mixer and ditch me, that he was going to become some raging alcoholic who only wanted to party. We had a couple fights about it, and I have to admit that I was not very understanding at first about his pledging obligations.

However, as the weeks wore on, he introduced me to a few brothers. I went to one of their parties with him and had a great time (and reveled in telling all of my high school friends that I had "been to a frat party" that weekend). My parents even extended my curfew so that I could go to his fraternity formal. I began to realize what a great time he was having and how much this so-called "brotherhood" that I had mocked and dismissed was adding to his college experience. That summer, after thinking long and hard about it, I signed up for sorority recruitment at my own (different) college. I pledged a sorority and had an absolutely wonderful experience that I wouldn't have had if my boyfriend had listened to me and not pledged his fraternity. And I should probably also mention that my boyfriend and I celebrated our six year anniversary this summer.

Now, I'm not saying that your girlfriend is going to go out and rush a sorority, or that she'll even come around as quickly as I did, if she comes around at all. However, I did want to share my personal experience so that you would know that a girlfriend's aversion to the idea of her boyfriend joining a fraternity is not an automatic death knell to the relationship. As long as you include her as much as you can, introduce her to other brothers' girlfriends, make sure you spend whatever alone time you can with her, reassure you that the fraternity is not your sole priority, etc., it can be done, and done well. Good luck!

banditone · #14 08-10-2007, 09:58 AM

my gf dumped me when I pledged

may have had something to do with my cheating on her....

33girl · #15 08-10-2007, 10:02 AM

As far as the closed socials, there might be mixers or closed date parties where everyone in the fraternity will be "paired" with a girl from the sorority you're mixing with - either from a roster or through a game like nuts & bolts. This DOESN'T mean you have to do anything other than talk to her and be polite. Not only that - the girl might not be keen on you or have a boyfriend herself, so that would be a moot point now, wouldn't it?

I agree w/ TrevorG - if she doesn't trust you to hang out with other girls then you have other problems in your relationship. Not only that, if she just assumes sorority women are going to hook up with you at mixers, then she's either got an offensively low opinion of sorority women or thinks you're a cross between Casanova and Adonis.