A guy hitting on someone else's girlfriend?

navane · #1 05-23-2005, 02:29 AM

Thanks everyone for the responses!

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #2 05-23-2005, 08:22 AM

Kelly, why are you even responding to this guy's emails anymore? I know why you did at first (because he's your boyfriend's friend, and you're a friendly girl), but he's crossed the line. No more talkity-talk for him.

I say don't email him anymore, and if/when he brings it up in person, just kinda smile and say you don't get the chance to check your email anymore, or you don't really use that account these days, or something else innocuous.

I also say that Neil knows what's going on, so let him handle things the way he wants to (i.e., either talk to Steve or don't.) Not really your business -- your job was to tell Neil what was going on, and you did that, AND to stop Steve from continuing to be disrespectful (which you aren't doing.) Sounds to me like Steve figures as long as you're talking to him, he has a chance.

ew ew ew. What a mess. I do not envy you this.

sugar and spice · #3 05-23-2005, 12:50 PM

What I don't understand is why you continue to show these comments to Neil. Yes, I get that on some level you want to be up-front because you don't want him to think you're hiding anything from him when you're not, and maybe I've reading too much into your post, but it sounds like you've shown him these emails almost every time you get one . . . which makes it seem like you're TRYING to upset him with them, or using them to make him insecure in your relationship

Anyway, I don't think this is particularly abnormal. Some guys love the challenge of a girl who's already taken. Some don't understand that this is going to make you uncomfortable. Some just like stirring isht up. If it really upsets you, you have two options -- you can tell him straight-up that those statements bother you and your boyfriend and you want him to stop, or you can stop talking to him. Depending on his motives, the first choice may work or it may not. Personally, I feel like just not responding to his emails is pretty passive-aggressive and not nearly as effective as just SAYING something to him, but if you ask him to stop and he doesn't realize there's anything wrong with his behavior then that may be the best course of action.

jillybean · #4 05-23-2005, 01:14 PM

it's all rhetoric. he may be saying "oh i'm ging to ask you out next time i see you" blah blah blah - but does he ever pony up and do it? no, b/c it's all talk and no follow-through. i think he's just trying to push your buttons. you're continents apart, there's no need to make a big deal out of it

valkyrie · #5 05-23-2005, 02:11 PM

It's well past time for you to (1) say something about how his comments bother you; (2) stop taking him seriously -- I mean, if he's in the UK, it's not like you're going to see him tomorrow so it seems like it's more talk than anything serious; or (3) stop talking to him if it bothers you that much and you don't have the, umm, ovaries to tell him to stop it.

Having your boyfriend email him to tell him to back off would be about as cool as having your mommy go yell at the kid who took your lunch money in the cafeteria when you were in third grade.

WCUgirl · #6 05-23-2005, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
...(2) stop taking him seriously -- I mean, if he's in the UK, it's not like you're going to see him tomorrow so it seems like it's more talk than anything serious...

I completely agree w/ this. It could just be another case of keyboard courage. If he were there, hitting on you in person, it would be different. People tend to become more sarcastic/less serious/less literal when speaking over the internet.

navane · #7 05-23-2005, 09:10 PM

Okie dokie, we're sorted!

James · #8 05-23-2005, 10:01 PM

Its up to you to define the relationship you have with your friends.

By not commenting on the way Steve flirts, you give him tacit approval to continue. After all you do respond to him . . . so why should he think there is anything wrong?

Plus you said that he was more your friend than your BF's. If he was primarily your BF's friend I would find it odd he emails you at all. I certainly don't email any of my friends GFs.

Showing the email comments to your BF is just . . . well . . . odd.

Steve is your friend. Steve has chosen to communicate with you in a flirty way. Men and women do that.

You didn't tell Steven that you weren't comfy with that prior to showing your BF the comments. And you kept showing the comments to your BF until your BF finally agreed with your initial opinion that Steve's comments were indicative of some romantic interest.

Basically, you kept showing your BF the comments until he got pissed off.

Here is my read on it:

Men like to flirt with women. Even women that are friends. Men like to flirt with woman that are taken. Its safer.

And a lot of times women that are taken are actually more confident, flirty and fun because they are taken. It gives them a sense of space and unselfconsciousness based on a lack of expectation. Women with BFs are lots of fun in a bar setting.

Steve is just flirting. I thinka lot of women may need a small refresher course on the difference between hitting-on someone and flirting. ITs flirting up to the point where they ask you on a date, then its more likely to be a hitting-on situation.

Plus this guy is umpteen thousands of miles away. And as far as his visit to the states, why worry, unless you think he would assault you? And you can always be busy. Or include a chaperone with your plans.

If I didn't know you to be a such a strong woman Navane, I would think that the thousands of miles and time of seperation between you and your BF is stressing you out and making you a little skitzy. Skitzy enough that you are over sensitive to what is in effect, not a problem.

onetime · #9 05-23-2005, 11:44 PM

I agree with the other posters - worth nipping this in the bud swiftly.

Not getting Neil to speak to him is sensible; it'd probably come off as aggressive. Regardless of Neil's diplomacy skills, there'd be fewer hopes of retaining any friendship w/Steve after you'd got a boyfriend to have a few words with him. The friendship you're willing to have with Steve ... may prove insufficient for what he wants, in any case. I question the wisdom in telling Neil but different strokes for different folks! It's feasible you could get Steve to tone it down without making him feel bad. I get the impression he's either lonely as you said or perhaps he's seeing how far he can go? Granted, there is a different between flirting & sharking. I like the keyboard courage phrase above - certainly sounds possible!

If you do particularly want to stay friends with Steve and really do want to say something, take a direct, brief & calm approach.
Bad: Dear Steve, Lately in your emails I've noticed you stepping over the line between banter and unwelcome attention. Initially I didn't know how to take some of the compliments. Now, I know I don't like some of what I've read. I'm in a relationship and even if I wasn't, it'd never be you. Your personal hygiene alone is a dealbreaker. Don't bother me again. - Kelly

Slightly better (replying to one of his flirty lines): Thanks for the compliment. Y'know, maybe I'm getting the wrong signals here and chances are you're just being kind and friendly. All the same with Neil and I working out so well, I'll feel more comfortable if you didn't say that kind've thing. I know you'll understand.

If you're not that bothered whether a friendship continues here or ends because he wanted more, then simply ceasing communication with him might be an easy option.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #10 05-24-2005, 08:27 AM

I guess I don't see the point in saying something outright to Steve. I got the impression Kelly's already told him this stuff isn't welcome, so what more is there to discuss? (Ha - and if you haven't, Kelly, what's wrong with you?!)

That's why I said cut off contact with him and quit responding to his emails -- if you've made it clear you're uncomfortable with the way he's talking to you, end the relationship. Just like any other type of relationship... if you had a friend who kept bringing up something that upset you, and wouldn't stop even when you'd asked them to, you'd limit your exposure, right? And this guy is just a friend of your boyfriend's. You don't owe him anything except to be polite -- certainly you're not expected to continue to field his inappropriate emails.

My point is, I don't think that's passive agressive at all -- it's the email equivilent of changing bar stools when the disgusting sex-starved drunken middle aged guy next to you won't quit whispering dirty words in your ear. Why allow someone else to make you uncomfortable?