Aries (March 21–April 19): A Newsweek survey revealed that 79% of Americans believe in the virgin birth. You’re not so sure. (Didn’t Britney Spears used to say she was a virgin, too?) Don’t let skepticism interfere with your enjoyment of the holiday season. A peppy moon trine is ensuring that you’ll become a jolly elf instead of a grumpy Grinch. Treat your honey to dinner at your favorite restaurant. Make like Joey from his Friends days and hand out homemade gift certificates good for some lusty lovin’.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You were relieved to hear that Wendy’s is going to allow substitution on its combo meals. Soon you’ll be able to order chili, a baked potato, or a salad instead of fries. Confident that this change will keep your weight down, you’re indulging in guilt-free holiday snacks. Cookies, candy, and cashews are on the menu. With the sun boosting your metabolism, you can get away with a few extra carbs. But when people start mistaking you for Kirstie Alley or Rosie O’Donnell, it’s time to stop.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Jon Stewart’s America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction was named Book of the Year by Publisher’s Weekly. And Donald Trump’s fiancée, Melania Knauss, has sealed a deal to become a spokesmodel for Levi’s. As Mercury, your ruler, goes direct, enticing awards or juicy contracts may come your way. You’ll sign on to represent your local dollar store in a series of ads. If you wanna make it in show biz, you gotta start somewhere. Or you’ll volunteer to distribute free candy canes at a celebrity charity event. It’s all about being seen by the right people.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): As the sun moves opposite your sign for a four week stay, you could be feeling like Naomi Campbell’s former assistant. She says that Campbell allegedly head butted and bit her. Rumor has it that the supermodel’s prior stay at an anger management clinic didn’t provide a complete cure for her “problem.” Avoid chaotic energies. Refuse to give in to last minute shopping panic. Do not - I repeat, do not - knock fellow shoppers unconscious with your purse as you make a grab for that hot Xbox game. Okay?
Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re a Fire sign, so winter always makes you a little droopy. The lion worries about staying warm and cozy throughout the frigid months. This week, the winter solstice may intensify those feelings of anxiousness. Go to see The Incredibles and lose yourself in this silly tale of a superhero family. Watch The Biggest Loser to boost your self-esteem. (“I may be carrying a few extra pounds around the middle, but not as many as Caroline Rhea!”) You’ll feel better in no time.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You’ve been pretty hard on yourself lately, but now that Mercury is finally going direct, your confidence is soaring. You’ll make like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s supporters, seeking an amendment to the Constitution so Arnie can become The Presinator one day. (Oh, yeah. Like that’s going to happen.) You’ll imitate rockers Mötley Crue and reunite for a new world tour and Greatest Hits album. Or you’ll pull a Candice Bergen, signing on as a regular on ABC’s hot show Boston Legal. Things are looking up.
Libra (September 23-October 23): Orlando Bloom was recently inducted into the Buddhist faith, and you could be drawn to pursue the spiritual side of life, too. You’ll cast the tea leaves in an attempt to figure out your destiny. Question: “Will Nick Lachey ever divorce that icky Jessica and marry me?” Answer: “Ask again later.” In the meantime, learn some chants and practice your “oms.” Neptune is heightening your intuition, helping you access higher realms of consciousness. (Either that, or you’ve been drinking too much eggnog.)
Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Michael Moore told Barbara Walters that he was so upset by Bush’s win that he stayed in bed for days. Saturn has you in a similar funk right now, but don’t give up on your controversial documentary making ways just yet. This is merely a temporary blip. Next week, you’ll be more cheery and chipper. In the meantime, things could be worse. You could be John McEnroe, whose show has been cancelled by CNBC after it failed to get a Nielsen rating some nights. At least your audience isn’t too small to measure.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Something may seem funny about your romantic relationship. Venus is square Uranus, stirring up controversy. Prince William appears to be dumping his longtime girlfriend for an American heiress. Your honey could be up to no good, too. Or perhaps it’s just paranoia taking its toll. When you’re so obsessed with someone that you check his shirts every night, looking for telltale lipstick stains, this isn’t the sign of a healthy relationship. And when you hire a pet psychic to grill your girlfriend’s dog about other men she’s been seeing, it’s time for a chill pill
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Actor James Woods had emergency surgery to repair a blocked artery, an operation that happened just in the nick of time, says his doctor. With the sun entering your sign this week, you could be rescued from something, too. Your friends will set you up on a blind date with a hottie, saving your from sad singlehood. Or your boss will assign odious tasks that would have been yours to an eager young intern. Improvement is the theme.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18):Mariah Carey is developing a yearly Christmas-themed show which she plans to perform on Broadway. (Is this a good thing? You have your doubts.) And Kate Beckinsale has said that being a movie star hasn’t turned out quite as she had hoped, so she is seriously considering going to medical school. Jupiter has you questioning your career path just like these ladies are doing. You’re wondering if you really want to help people. Maybe you should just help yourself – to lots of money.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): A second quarter moon in your sign has you convinced that you’re doing the right thing. Billy Idol is set to release his first album in ten years in late March. Jesse L. Martin of Law and Order will be taking a brief hiatus while he stars in the film version of Rent. And the Wayans Brothers are set to develop a movie based on The Munsters TV show. Follow those creative urges where they take you, and they are likely to pay off. White Wedding, anyone?
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