Difficult Sister

[bubblegum]

Hi, I'm new to GreekChat.com. We have a bit of a dilemma at my sorority. I don't know what to do about it. I care a lot about my sorority. I think it's a wonderful organization, and I've put so much time and hard work into it that it makes me so sad to see problems.

The biggest problem right now is that some of the girls that just crossed are totally power-tripping. One girl in particular is the worst. She is ALWAYS yelling at the nm's and she's totally insensitive to the fact that they have their own lives and they have tons of work to do. This girl has a REALLY, REALLY bad temper. She can dish it out, but she can't take it. If anyone even tries to give her constructive criticism, she takes it so personally and takes it as an attack on her.

And it totally doesn't help that our president is similar. She's not as bad-tempered, but pretty close. A lot of us don't agree with the way this girl and the president are treating the nm's, but we don't know the way to address this without them feeling like this is an attack on them and getting all defensive.

Our house is already so divided, and we're so scared of making things worse. There is so much division and resentment and drama that most of the nm's wanted to drop, because they said our sorority looked unorganized and in turmoil. It took a lot to convince the nm's that our organization is well worth it and that they should stay. They also expressed concern that our newly crossed girls would be taking over soon (because most of us are graduating soon) and that our newly crossed girls are very immature and unready to take on all the responsibilities of the sorority. The nm's are really concerned about whether or not this girl in particular will not give them respect and will be difficult to work with even after they cross.

I really don't know what to do. I know we should just talk about it, but she never listens. She just gets defensive. Other than forcing her to take some sensitivity classes and some anger management classes, what can we do? Has anyone else ever had to deal with someone in their organization like this? How do you handle it? How do you make someone like that understand that being mean isn't the way to get nm's to become strong sisters and strong leaders? How do you make someone like that understand that it's unreasonable and unfair to get mad at nm's if they won't meet with you because it's the night before an exam and they're studying?

I'm so fed up and frustrated that I wish I could just walk away from it all...just disaffiliate. But I've worked so hard, and the past four semesters have been amazing. It's just this semester that sucks. We've just had so many girls graduate in the past couple of semesters that the whole dynamic of our sorority has changed, and it's changed for the worse. I'm graduating next semester, and I don't want to graduate with my sorority in turmoil and I don't want to graduate with all these bad feelings.

[preciousjeni]

Hugs to you! Ok, I'm not fully understanding who we're dealing with here. You have New Members as well as Members who crossed very recently? I'm just trying to sort it out.

Regardless of all that, you're describing some hazing activities (if it's as bad as I'm imagining!) that could cause your sorority some SERIOUS problems. Nip that in the bud. Since you have already put your own thoughts together on the issue, perhaps you would be willing to volunteer as the spokeswoman for all the members who want the mean girl and the mean president to stop acting up.

Also, maybe you could take over the New Member Program, in that, you could schedule activities without "letting everyone know." I hate to suggest mutiny here, but the situation sounds completely out of control.

Or, if the person in control of the New Member Program is on your side, be her strongest supporter!!

Are you national? If so, GET NATIONALS INVOLVED!! If not, protect your NMs and your sorority from the craziness of a few women who need a little more time to mature.

[thetanustew]

Best of luck as you and your sisters sort this out. I want to piggy-back on what my soror suggested about getting nationals involved. Do you have someone who is sort of "outside" the immediate sisterhood who could moderate a civil (though probably difficult and painful) discussion? It seems to me that you need someone like a chapter or faculty advisor to moderate a disccusion--to allow everyone to speak in turn and have five or ten minutes to express her discomfort with some situation rather than some person. That way all opinions and feelings are put out there on the table, but an outsider or more neutral party is mediating the discussion rather than a sister since that could be taken as a personal attack. Furthermore, a moderator can help ensure that people talk about situations that they want to change (because that is do-able) rather than attacking people that they want to change (because that is not).

This whole process is not going to be pleasant, but I PROMISE it will only get worse if no one does anything about it other than let it escalate as more people become more and more defensive.

Hang in there, try to remind all of the sisters why they joined in the first place (which was certainly not to have people to fight with or to have extra drama in their lives), and keep the bigger picture in mind. Go back to the basics--read over your intake manuals and so forth and talk about sticking to them. I am sure there is nothing in those that says yell at nms for not being at your beck and call when they are studying for tomorrow's exam. Let the documents and policies be the "bad cop" rather than a sister taking on that role.

Good luck--

[texas*princess]

If your sorority has chapter advisors, try going to talk to them about the situation. The advisors are there to help, and they LOVE helping in any way they can (otherwise they wouldn't be volunteering their time to be an advisor!) They are a wealth of information and experience, so maybe they can offer you advice on how the chapter can overcome the problems.

[astroAPhi]

I would definitely agree that you should go to an advisor. They are impartial and should be capable of sitting down with a girl and telling her that she needs to shape up and stop treating others poorly.

I think that just about every chapter has some sort of sister who goes about the wrong way of treating others. In my experience, these sisters usually end up eventually being ignored unless they really know how to intimidate (which it sounds like this girl does). While no sister should be ignored, sometimes it's the best way to let them know that they're not getting through to others properly.

I won't kid you, individuals like that can tear your chapter apart. I really urge you to talk to someone higher like an advisor as soon as you can.

[1heart1way]

like someone else said, see an advisor. yelling at people is hazing by the way, if it's truly yelling. no one needs to be yelled at.

[KSUViolet06]

I don't know about your sorority, but our advisor board has a Membership Ed. advisor to oversee the NM program. I suggest you see your advisory team ASAP and get this worked out.

[winneythepooh7]

I echo what everyone else is saying. What you are describing is hazing and can bring about a lot of problems to your organization. If you have an advisor, I would get them involved immediately. I've seen this stuff go on and it can definately tear the organization apart. Try to get the support of your sisters who are in agreement that this is wrong and confront the sisters who are hazing and let them know their behavior is not going to be tolerated. You mentioned the new members have already spoke about dropping because of this, what's to say they haven't already begun to share their ambivalence about sticking it out with their parents, and the reasons why? If a parent calls your school you are going to have a bigger problem on your hands then "offending" a few sisters who are already well on their way to creating big problems for your organization. If they act like this as a new member, I can only imagine how horrid they will act once they are an "older" sister "demanding" respect.............

[pinkyphimu]

speak to an advisor immediately. she will be able to inform you of any procedures that your group has to deal with this young woman. if you have a standards or discipline board, your advisor should be able to get them involved.