Breaking up with a "friend"?

[Munchkin03]

How does one go about ending a friendship?

Basically, I've been in the process of ending a friendship. This person considers me one of her best friends, but she's never been that good a friend or confidante to me--just someone to go out with once in a while. She is, as I'm understanding more and more, mentally unstable and self-medicates by doing stupid things like shooting up Vivarin (I kid you not). It's very rare that I don't see her on some sort of substance--a typical extremely destructive personality. She's always been jealous of my other female friends (the guys not so much), and especially my sorority sisters. She's sensitive--but not to the needs and subtleties of others. She's more touchy than sensitive, really. I don't like walking on eggshells around people, and I don't like the stupid drama she brings into my life because she has to be the center of attention all the time. Having her as an acquaintance has drained me, and has damaged my relationships with other, more loyal and deserving, friends. She doesn't take care of herself, and I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up dead somewhere.

So, it's become evident that I need to cut her out of my life. I have basically ignored all of her phone calls, IMs, text messages and emails for over a month now. She still does all four, usually with the lines "Where the f--k are you?!" Most people would take the hint after a week or two. She's not that subtle.

Has anyone else had experience with this--when you try to let someone off the hook easily and they just don't get it? I think she will lose it if I tell her how I really feel, plus we have mutual friends that I don't want to lose.

[labeachgrl]

About 10 years ago I "broke up" with a friend that I'd had since junior high. She asked to me by her maid of honor even though we hadn't spoken much after I moved away to college. It was actually pretty uncomfortable time for me because in the meantime she had become a born-again Christian (I don't support their message), was marrying a materialistic jerk (they took pics before the ceremony and he didn't bother to acknowledge her when she appeared in her wedding dress), was completely immersed in Amway (shuddering just thinking about that company) and really didn't try to find some commonality when I kept on bringing up subjects we might talk about. THEN she didn't talk to me for 7 months and when she finally did it was basically Amway propoganda. I wrote back a letter basically saying that I didn't like her church, her husband, Amway and didn't really see any reason to continue the friendship since we struggled to find anything to talk about. I've never spoken to her since, although I wonder at times what's become of her.

My suggestion is to tell her what's going on, I think your mutual friends would respect you more for being straight up with her than to drag on the drama and not let her know why. Most people understand that not everyone agrees with substance abuse. Maybe losing friends will be her wakeup call (doubtful,but who knows...).

[James]

I think labeachgirl has some good advice there.

I have only had to do that once, and it was a girl. I blockd her number, took down my voice mail etc etc . . . . for a few weeks.

The only real advice i have is to reat it like abreak up. There is no good way or good reason to break up. Just observe the no-contact rule.

[PhiPsiRuss]

Have you spoken with her about these issues?

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Yes, I have had experience breaking up with a friend. I won't go into the details because four years later it is still extremely painful to think about.

Perhaps her drug use has caused her to behave in this jealous and territorial way. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but it seems that her drug use could be a major cause of her problems.

Subtlety doesn't work with her so you must be direct just as you would with a boyfriend. I saw something about this very issue on an episode of Oprah. They discussed ending toxic friendships. Here are the links:

http://www.oprah.com/living/lifemake..._tracey4.jhtml

http://www.oprah.com/living/lifemake...cheryl_g.jhtml

I hope that this helps. I think that if you treat her with compassion and respect, whatever you do will be an improvement over what is happening now. This is a really difficult and painful situation. I wish you the best.

[SigkapAlumWSU]

Originally posted by labeachgrl
About 10 years ago I "broke up" with a friend that I'd had since junior high. She asked to me by her maid of honor even though we hadn't spoken much after I moved away to college. It was actually pretty uncomfortable time for me because in the meantime she had become a born-again Christian (I don't support their message), was marrying a materialistic jerk (they took pics before the ceremony and he didn't bother to acknowledge her when she appeared in her wedding dress), was completely immersed in Amway (shuddering just thinking about that company) and really didn't try to find some commonality when I kept on bringing up subjects we might talk about. THEN she didn't talk to me for 7 months and when she finally did it was basically Amway propoganda. I wrote back a letter basically saying that I didn't like her church, her husband, Amway and didn't really see any reason to continue the friendship since we struggled to find anything to talk about. I've never spoken to her since, although I wonder at times what's become of her.

This sounds earily like a friend break up I had. I was asked to be her maid of honor after we hadn;t spoken for a long time, and the whole time leading up to the wedding, and especially the day were very uncomfortable. She and her husband are into Quixtar (basically online amway) and tried quite a few times to sell to my friends an I.
Eventually you just have to either sit her down and explain how you feel, or go the route you have already started down, just stop contact.

I think it's hard to "break up" with a friend whom you have been close with but now have drifted apart. I've done it a couple of times recently. I guess there's just a point in you life where you go different directions.

[CSUSigEp]

I saw this one on Friends. Chandler says he's going to Yemen... hopefully your friend doesnt want to drive you to the airport.