TMI too soon

Dionysus · #1 10-13-2002, 06:43 PM

What do you do when you have a new friend that you only known a month spontaneously reveals her darkest secrets?

This happened last night. Fortunately, I wasn't the only one present besides her. I think we all are in shock and don't know how to react from now. Though we haven't known each other that long were pretty good friends, I want to be there for her, but I don't know how to support her emotionally because I can't relate to her problems.

sororitygirl2 · #2 10-13-2002, 07:35 PM

I think it totally depends on what sort of secrets they are. I mean, I would react completely differently to someone telling me, "I was in prison for the last ten years," to someone saying, "Sometimes I like to kiss girls."

I think you should probably tell this friend just what you said here. That you are a little taken aback by what she has revealed, that you want to be there for her but don't know how. Ask her what she needs or wants from you.

librasoul22 · #3 10-13-2002, 07:54 PM

Hmmm...good question. I agree with sororitygirl2, it really depends on the secret. Coincidentally, the SAME thing happened to me. A close friend got really drunk and decided to clean her closet, lol. I was sober, so I was taken aback too.

Dionysus, inquiring minds wanna know...what was the secret??

Dionysus · #4 10-13-2002, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
I think it totally depends on what sort of secrets they are. I mean, I would react completely differently to someone telling me, "I was in prison for the last ten years," to someone saying, "Sometimes I like to kiss girls."

LOL, no it isn't anything like that.

Peaches-n-Cream · #5 10-13-2002, 07:57 PM

What is it? What did she say?

I'm only asking so that I can give you appropriate advice, not because I'm bored and nosey.

Yeah right!

Dionysus · #6 10-13-2002, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by librasoul22
[B
Dionysus, inquiring minds wanna know...what was the secret?? [/B]

Girl, you're tempting me, lol. Out of respect I won't tell, even online.

Thats the second problem, I have a big mouth, why do folks always clean out their closet to ME?

librasoul22 · #7 10-13-2002, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dionysus

Girl, you're tempting me, lol. Out of respect I won't tell, even online.

Thats the second problem, I have a big mouth, why do folks always clean out their closet to ME?

Dang, this musta been a big secret. Well you might just be a good listener, or maybe you have a reputation for giving good advice. And as long as you haven't blabbed anyone's secrets (that they know of, anyway), people will continue to talk to you.

You seem to be keeping this person's secret pretty safe, so you must mean that you had a big mouth in the past? Maybe your over it?

librasoul22 · #8 10-13-2002, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cream
What is it? What did she say?

I'm only asking so that I can give you appropriate advice, not because I'm bored and nosey. Yeah right!

HA! Yes! I wanna *ahem* give appropriate advice too! *nudges Cream* Maybe if we can keep this up, she will tell us, lol.

Hey man, having a minor in psych I am both nosy and analytical, lol.

Kevin · #9 10-13-2002, 10:08 PM

People will usually reveal things when you seem interested and are a good listener. Not to toot my own horn but I get that sometimes

Just go with it.. and if it's information you don't want, tell them that and they won't tell you hopefully and if they do they have to live with the consequences.

Hootie · #10 10-14-2002, 01:32 AM

I think one thing I've found that hasn't helped me in the past is dwelling on broken relationships when someone you're interested in asks about them. I think it scares people off...they think either a) you haven't moved on b) you make drama out of everything or c) you are difficult to be with and perhaps you're single for a reason.
I think if you're going to reveal anything, do it bits and pieces at a time. I think it's important for people to know about your past, but not too much all at once.

three2tango · #11 10-14-2002, 01:42 AM

Secrets fall into two category's 1. secret's that you tell your friends during a friendly game of truth or dare and 2. secret's you tell your therapist. By her telling you something that is obviously very intimate, my guess is that it falls into category 2. If this is the case, therapy is the answer. Push her into that direction by saying that you are touched that she values your friendship; however, a therapist is the best way to deal with such problems by guiding her into a healthy perspective on life.

DigitalAngel126 · #12 10-14-2002, 04:16 AM

I only wish I could give you advice....But I'm in the same position as you, I'm always the one everyone runs to...And I'm not quite sure why....All I can really say is that if it's something urgent (I.E. suicidal tendencies, raped, broken law, etc) there's no doubt that you should tell someone....Be it a parent, teacher, law enforcement agent, counselour, etc.... Otherwise, I'd probably just keep it to myself.. And if it really bothers you that much that she divulges her innermost secerets to you...Maybe sometime in passing you could be like "Man, this girl I just met the other day just up and told me everything she's ever done!! It was crazy!!! I don't get it when people tell me stuff like that, especially when they barely know me!!" and if she's any good and catching hints, that'll do ya...

sigmagrrl · #13 10-14-2002, 08:12 AM

It's called victim behavior. Basically, the only way a "victim" feels lovable is by being helpless and broken. So, they reveal things that are actually inappropriately intense too soon in order to relay a message of "See, I'm fukked up, so you need to love me." It's actually quite common in people who were mistreated (in various ways) as children. Don't fault them, it's very much a subconcious choice. You could actually be flattered because they are actually testing their trust in you in a way. Show them how much you appreciate them in other ways and they won't feel the need to act out in this way with you.

Sorry, I always get so psychological, but I am fascinated by human behavior.