My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood

[Ilaria Ame]

i don't feel bad for this woman. sorry if that makes me sound like a cold bitch. we've all made mistakes and those of us who have taken responsibility for them and dealt with them have moved on. she feels like nothing was her fault and because of this, has victimized herself to a point of not trusting women. sure, the sorority sisters were not good people. she was innocent and didn't know any better. but if after all that happened to her she still can't take responsibility and recognize that continuing in the sorority after her sisters allowed a fraternity brother to treat her like that was a mistake, it's her own issue.

p.s. and before the question is asked, i've been in a situation like hers before, except with "friends" not sorority sisters. i'm from a small town and led a very sheltered life until college. i too lost my virginity very soon after started school. and later, after i willingly got drunk to fit in and was taken advantage of at a party without a word of protest from my "friends" i never spoke to any of them again. i at least had enough sense to realize that i didn't have to be like that; i could turn my life around and expect people to earn my trust rather than just give it away or in her case, never give it again.

[TSteven]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

IMHO, we ought to tread carefully before we judge what a rape survivor ought to feel when suddenly confronted with a reminder of the assault. I agree that if the attack is still affecting her daily life, then it's smart to seek help for that, but plenty of people seek help and still experience intrusive feelings about the trauma. A horror like that is not curable. Different people will recover at different speeds, and carry different permanent scars. Whatever her feelings may be twenty years later, they are valid, and saying that she ought to "get past it" and "move on" -- like that's just a choice -- is quite dismissive of her trauma and its consequences.

Excellent post.

[Serenity]

^^^Yes, it is.



To PM_Mama00:

I am so glad I have a lot of really great, positive and supportive women in my life. However, I have been burned by many "women" who I considered friends at one time or another. So, I definitely understand where you're coming from.

[ilovemyglo]

I went through quite a bit of trauma throughout my early education... basically from grades 4-12. Constant bullying and constant harassment- and after all these years and as great as my life is now, I run into some of those "kids" that treated me that wa.y They come up and act all excited to see me and for some reason it just brings back all that shame and fear I had as a child.

Those kinds of experiences stay with you, and even though you may think you are past them, you still are haunted.

I think even the most successful people that have had experiences like this probably feel the same way.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

Aren't you eager to believe that your positive experience is representative?

But wouldn't it almost have to be based on the fact that many GLOs survive and prosper over time?

I'm not saying my experience is universal, just that it's more likely to be typical because kids keep signing up for it year after year. If the experience weren't generally positive, why would they?

ETA:

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

IMHO, we ought to tread carefully before we judge what a rape survivor ought to feel when suddenly confronted with a reminder of the assault. I agree that if the attack is still affecting her daily life, then it's smart to seek help for that, but plenty of people seek help and still experience intrusive feelings about the trauma. A horror like that is not curable. Different people will recover at different speeds, and carry different permanent scars. Whatever her feelings may be twenty years later, they are valid, and saying that she ought to "get past it" and "move on" -- like that's just a choice -- is quite dismissive of her trauma and its consequences.

About the article writer generally, I think you invite a different kind of response when you elect to publish a column in the New York Times.

If she were a someone that I knew personally, I don't think it would enter my head in a million years to even analyze her experience, must less try to judge how I thought a person SHOULD respond. You'd listen; you'd validate; you'd see if you could help; you might see if she wanted help finding a professional to work with in regards to how she felt about other women if she seemed to be asking you to do so.

But when one writes a newspaper column, you're making a public statement and inviting public response. And at the I-read-her-story-online level, it's perfectly appropriate to make judgments and reach conclusions based as much on your own experience as the one she related. The conclusion that I reached is that her sorority sisters were jerks, who may have been misinformed about her circumstances, but who in any case failed her in a time of crisis. But it doesn't actually say that much about Greek life or women that resonates with my experiences generally. Other reactions, obviously varied.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by Ilaria Ame

i don't feel bad for this woman. sorry if that makes me sound like a cold bitch. we've all made mistakes and those of us who have taken responsibility for them and dealt with them have moved on. she feels like nothing was her fault and because of this, has victimized herself to a point of not trusting women. sure, the sorority sisters were not good people. she was innocent and didn't know any better. but if after all that happened to her she still can't take responsibility and recognize that continuing in the sorority after her sisters allowed a fraternity brother to treat her like that was a mistake, it's her own issue.

p.s. and before the question is asked, i've been in a situation like hers before, except with "friends" not sorority sisters. i'm from a small town and led a very sheltered life until college. i too lost my virginity very soon after started school. and later, after i willingly got drunk to fit in and was taken advantage of at a party without a word of protest from my "friends" i never spoke to any of them again. i at least had enough sense to realize that i didn't have to be like that; i could turn my life around and expect people to earn my trust rather than just give it away or in her case, never give it again.

And perhaps not everyone can be as strong as you? I'm sick of people on here thinking that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do about experiences. Everyone is different.

Originally Posted by ilovemyglo

I went through quite a bit of trauma throughout my early education... basically from grades 4-12. Constant bullying and constant harassment- and after all these years and as great as my life is now, I run into some of those "kids" that treated me that wa.y They come up and act all excited to see me and for some reason it just brings back all that shame and fear I had as a child.

Those kinds of experiences stay with you, and even though you may think you are past them, you still are haunted.

I think even the most successful people that have had experiences like this probably feel the same way.

Thank you. You just described exactly why I don't go into certain bars in my area.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by bengay

This was a great article. How did you here about it?

By the way, Rudey is it? Would you be interested in becoming a DIK?

Isn't he already?

[Wolfman]

There's an irony in that many of the posts call for the woman to "get a life and move on." When people who suffer traumas of various kinds do just that and bury them in their "past," one day, prompted by some strange occurance, out of the blue these things may come rushing back into their consciousness with all the same raw emotions and ambivalent feelings about the people involved.These things can't be swept under the rug of our hearts and minds.This is why we do need clergy,friends, family and psychological professionals, at times.

[kathykd2005]

Originally Posted by Wolfman

There's an irony in that many of the posts call for the woman to "get a life and move on." When people who suffer traumas of various kinds do just that and bury them in their "past," one day, out of the blue, these things can come rushing back into their consciousness with all the same raw emotions and ambivalent feelings about the people involved.These things can't be swept under the rug of our hearts and minds.This is why we do need clergy,friends, family and psychological professionals, at times.

Which is precisely why many of us SAID she should seek professional help, including myself. Did you miss those posts?

[Wolfman]

Originally Posted by kathykd2005

Which is precisely why many of us SAID she should seek professional help, including myself. Did you miss those posts?

Been MIA of late.

[kathykd2005]

Originally Posted by Wolfman

Been MIA of late.

Originally Posted by kathykd2005

I hate saying this, but it sounds like this woman simply needs to go to some therapy and move on.

Ok, so I'll post that for posterity, then. Cheers.

[Low C Sharp]

many of us SAID she should seek professional help

She may have sought professional help already; the article doesn't say that she's never tried. And even if she gets help in the future, that doesn't mean it will work. There's no penicillin that cures rape.

she feels like nothing was her fault

Which part of the story was her fault? The part where she was raped, or the part where she stayed within the only community she knew at a huge university 1800 miles from home?
________
HOW TO ROLL A BLUNT

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

Which part of the story was her fault? The part where she was raped, or the part where she stayed within the only community she knew at a huge university 1800 miles from home?

Getting drunk and passing out was absolutely her fault.

[fantASTic]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

Which part of the story was her fault? The part where she was raped, or the part where she stayed within the only community she knew at a huge university 1800 miles from home?

Following him upstairs and never saying no is absolutely her fault.

[33girl]

She wasn't new to partying. She admits that. It wasn't a situation where she had no idea how many beers it took to make her drunk - by her account, she'd been partying pretty hard since she came to campus.

If she'd been drugged or something it would be a different matter, but she doesn't bring that up as a possibility.