Put Your Offensive or Sick Joke Here (not for the faint hearted)

[AlphaGamDiva]

TKE!!!!

you are in trouble for your adam joke!

but for all the guys out there, anyway....

why do women fake orgasms?

b/c they think men care...

ba dum bum

[stmuprncez]

I first heard this one back in the day when i use to roll in the hay but i still it's oober funny.

A guy and a girl are having sex when the condom falls off and pops out the window. A little boy walks by and picks it up. Just then the guy runs outside and tells the little boy,
"Hey kid I need that back!"
The little boy looks at him and says,
"Sure but it's going to cost you fifty cents so i can buy an ice cream."
The guy goes and gives the boy fifty cents and the boy takes off, the guy goes back in and finishes his business.
When the little boy gets home he has ice cream on his face his mother asks him where he got the money for ice cream. The little boy says,
"Mommy you'd be so proud... I made a deal... I sold this guy a twinkee for money to get my OWN ice cream money... but the joke is on him ... i sucked out all the cream!"

Gross I know but still funny.

[The1calledTKE]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
TKE!!!!

you are in trouble for your adam joke!

You know you loved it!!

[The1calledTKE]

Here is one for you Mon.

You might be a Republican if...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're
richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of
bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and
Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in
America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a
Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

[The1calledTKE]

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- - ----------------
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2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
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4) When in doubt shroud you spout
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6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
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12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
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17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
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23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
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33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
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43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
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47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
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98) Stop the stream before you cream
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101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
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104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
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118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
162) Wrap your whopper then go bop her

[The1calledTKE]

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compatible.

[The1calledTKE]

A true story . . . .

When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.
Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck
Mr Gorsky" statement meant.

A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil
Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was
playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball
which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up,
young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You
want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Originally posted by zntke711
A true story . . . .

When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.
Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck
Mr Gorsky" statement meant.

A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil
Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was
playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball
which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up,
young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You
want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"

OMG! That's so funny! lol!

[swissmiss04]

Two little old ladies, Bernice and Ethel, went to the movies. They were sitting there watching the movie and then suddenly Bernice whispered "Ethel, the man next to me is MASTURBATING!" Ethel said, "Well, Bernice why on earth don't you get up and move over here?" Ethel said, "I can't, he's using my hand."

[AlphaSigOU]

Originally posted by zntke711
A true story . . . .

When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Nope... Snopes.com sez otherwise. http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm

But it is funny, though!

[AlphaGamDiva]

Originally posted by the evil, evil zntke711
Here is one for you Mon.

You might be a Republican if...

LMAO.....ya know....i'll admit that was a lil bit humorous....so untrue for the most part b/c i so don't think bert and ernie are sexual deviants....lol, but ya know....

i'll be out looking for my revenge, so be ready.....

AND, just a lil FYI...i do have a john edwards sticker courtesy of miss "i love democrats but yet still call myself a southerner" ivory ....i mean, it's not where anyone can actually SEE it, but i have it....

[AlphaGamDiva]

ok, tke.....it's WAR!!!

You Might Be A Democrat If...


You think "ethics" is an eastern European country.


You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names.


You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people
were only willing to redistribute their wealth.


You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot or Nazi".


You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a married man.


You oppose the death penalty, but support abortion.


You don't support school choice for others, only for yourself.


You think you might remember laughing once as an adult and
feeling guilty about it.


You once broke loose at a party and inhaled, but don't admit it.


You support diversity, as long as others agree with you.


You've referred to moral fiber thinking it was a new man made
textile.


You've ever uttered the phrase, "you hypocrite".


You've ever said, "the Bill Of Rights is outdated".


You answer to "No One".


You support PETA and Green Peace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb,
and wear leather garments.


You protest your neighbor clearing their yard of weeds.


You only let your kids watch PBS and listen to NPR.


You scream at the thought of agreeing with a Republican.


You've argued that Western values are no values.


You agree that all the world's problems can be traced back to
white Anglo-Saxon men taking advantage of others.


When people say "Marx," you think, "to bad his idea didn't work".


You've ever yelled, "capitalist".


You still wear the Birkenstocks you purchased in 1969.


You argue that you need 300 laws to control guns.


You really think that guns kill people. Not people kill people.


You want to protest something but don't know what.


You've ever said "I support civil liberties, but not personal
liberties."


You will not admit that trees are a renewable resource.


You've ever said "reduce paper, save a tree".


You donate money because it makes you "feel good".


You came of age in the '60s and don't understand what went wrong.


You justify lying cheating Democrats because Republicans lie and
cheat.


You ever start or end an argument on the phrase, "you are closed
minded".


You never told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash
can" because he chooses to do so.


You think denial is a virtue.


You don't mind contributing 4 months of your salary to the
government. You're only sorry it can't be more.


You believe that everyone else is responsible for you but you.


*and just for fun, here are these, too:

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

[docetboy]

Monica, I think you have the wrong thread. This is for Offensive or Sick JOKES. You just wrote the truth...

[AlphaGamDiva]

[/docet's hijack]

continue

[The1calledTKE]

Monica = funny

docet = confused

lol