You know you are in a black church when....

[smiley21]

you know you are in a black church when...


1) the parking lot outside is just dirt and a little bit of grass

2) that dirt is all over your shoes and stockings

3) after church, people can walk across the road to someone's house where they are having a church family dinner

4) even though people know there is know cool air in the buildings, the ladies still want to wear those long, thick dresses

5) everyone has hankercheifs in there hands to catch the sweat on their heads

6) when the pastor has to take a few moments to catch his breath because he was a little too emotional during his sermon

7) when the church name is Greater Dominion Church of the Disciples....Rev. Willie Brown

8) when the service ends at 3 pm and you know you have to go back in three hours for the evening service

[Honeykiss1974]

Oh I meant to post this earlier:

You know you go to a black church when:
-you are baptized in a creek because still in 2002 the church does not have a pool (since they still haven't collected enough money in the building fund).
-Usher uniforms are those white polyester uniforms that look like nurse's uniforms. We even had a hat!
-Dinner is served after service in that small, cramped kitchen/rec room/sunday school room so you end up having to sit outside in a folding chair trying to balance a plate of food and a Nehi pop.

[alphaiota]

you know you're in a black church when......
1. the ushers are wearing white gloves and extremely serious about their ushering duties.
2. when you start church at 10:30am and the pastor doesn't get done preachin' til 2pm.
3. the offering envelopes are regular envelopes that have been rubber stamped to say the name of the church.
4. when the heat is turned off in the building, but they are taking up a collection for the pastor and wife to go on vacation.
5. after you get smacked upside the head by the pastor so you can receive the holy spirit, you are down on the floor and covered with a full sheet like your dead.
6. the pastor gets served juice, water, etc. on a silver platter while you sittin' there thirsty as a mug.

[MsFoxyLoxy77]

You know you are in a black Chuch

...When they have an African Attire fashion show inside the church during Black history month (also all during Black History month the urshers have on kente cloth).

...When an elder of the chuch starts off the service by saying "I know you all didn't think we were going to have church in here today. Stand up we finna have CHUCH" and everyone stands up and starts shouting.

...When after church the kids are making fun of the adults who caught the holy ghost and an adult sees them and can tell just by the shouting technique who the kids are mocking. Then the adult says, "Stop picking on Ms. Mary, God don't like that." One question how did you know they were picking on Ms. Mary...you know you thought Ms. Mary's shouting was out there too.:0

...When the old men in the church try to outdo each other and show up in lime green suits, with matching hats, canes, shoes, hankerchiefs, and just KNOW they are on point. Worst of all the ladies of the chuch either approach him or congregate outside the chuch and say "Babyface was sho' lookin' fine dis Sunday."

...When the minister's previous and current wife all attend the same chuch.

...When service doesn't let out until 3:30 and you have to return for a night service starts at 6:00

...When a chuch member use their vehicle to sell items after chuch service has let out. I.e. hot sausages, pickle eggs, chips, sodas, cut up cucumbers with vinegar, and a load of other high blood pressure goodies.

...When during praise and worship everyone starts yelling "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water.." you know how it goes.

...When the pastor threatens to place a list of people who didn't pay their tithes in a public area in the chuch.

...When the chuch has pageants to "battle" the fashion styles of its members with members of other chuches. I.e. "The Hattitude" a hat modeling fashion show...whoever wins gets bragging rights until the next year.

...When there is a loud mouth in the chuch who tells everybody's business.

...When there is a chuch family dinner after service and after everyone has had atleast one plate the big bellied deacons send kids to get them some more food so they won't be embarrassed and the kids end up going to the servers and loudly say, "Deacon Smith say he won't some mo' colla' greens, pigeon peas, and smothered poke chops"

...When either the elders, members, preachers, or choir members sons are in jail and they stand up in chuch and say, "please pray for my son, he got locked up again fo snatching purses."

HC this is post is getting long and I still have other things I can say....tsk...I think I'll end here for now

[prayerfull]

I did a search and this is 'bout the best place I found to post this....

Ghetto Church Announcements
-
I would like to give honor to God who is the head of my life and to
welcome all visitors to the "Words of Jericho On Top Of A Mighty Rock Seventh-Day Christian Missionary Baptist Tabernacle Church of God in Christ. We do appreciate you all coming out today.

Due to bills not being paid, there is no air-conditioning or fans
available. Sis. Usher will be walking around with fans and ice cubes for a $5 dollar donation which will go towards our Pastor's new fur..........I mean the Church's Building Fund.

The Youth Sisters Ministry will be having their " 100 Women in Weave March" this Sunday at 4pm. Members are asked to invite a friend. The more weaves the better.

The members of the church are asked to keep Bro. Allen in your prayers. After singing "Trouble Don't Last Always", he was arrested for shoplifting. He's now serving the rest of his previous 5 year sentence. I guess his troubles are going to last at a few more years.

Today we will be passing around plastic spoons and shot glasses for Communion. Seems like the motherboard wanted to start the party early this morning, so we are stuck with using Rice Krispies and Crown Royal instead of breadsticks and Martell. You can thank the Pastor for just so happening to have bought 4 Cases of Crown Royal last night after the Church's Revival and left them in his new Red 2003 Mustang. Pastor how did you afford that
car without a job? God is good, ain't he?

Due to the recent slew of bounced checks, a list of names of those people who can not write checks for tithes to the church is inside your morning program.

Because of the increase in men joining the church because of last week's announcement, the pastor wanted me to make sure that everyone understood the announcement. The Men's Ministry will be sponsoring a "Sweatshirt" Contest, not a "Wet Shirt" Contest. The reason is to choose the new logo for their sweatshirt. Those men who just joined the church, we want you to know that your $200 deposit is non-refundable and has gone towards the
pastor's love offering.................I mean the church's building fund.

The Pastor wanted the Praise Dancers to know that he has turned down your request to add the Electric Slide, the Cabbagge Patch, and the Rump Shaker to your routines during Praise and Worship Service.

A side note to that announcement goes to the men in the congregation. Please do not throw money or phone numbers at the feet of the Praise Dancers. If anything, you should throw it into the pastor's love.................I mean the Building Fund.

The Music and Arts Departments are bringing back their popular play: "Big Mama Whooped Me During Sunday School." Tickets are going fast.

Members are encouraged to pickup Bro Sterling's new cd. It features the hit song "Why We Bling". It's a remake of Kirk Franklin's "Why We Sing". Featuring J.O.B...Jesus Over Blunts. As you know, Luke from the 2 Live Crew joined our ministries last Sunday and will be rapping and singing his testimony to us during the R&B.......I mean A&B selection...He wants everyone to know that...it's no longer about if it's your birthday........"It's Your Judgment Day".

R. Kelly will also be in the temple next Sunday singing his praises, but you know that grown boy like little girls, so please keep your children at home.

Today's announcements are sponsored by June Bug N' Pee-Wee's Bible Bookstore and Barber Shop where their motto is "Buy a book and improve your look."

[StarFish106]

How about when whoever cooked the food for the afternoon program calls all their bad azz kids 'round to the church to come eat and then packs up the leftovers and takes them home like they paid for them?


You know you are in a black church when your Gospel Choir has a theme song they sing erry Sunday boppin up the aisle. Ours is "Walk in the Light".




sidenote:
My mother is in charge of the usher floor and yes if they are having prayer she AIN"T lettin yo butt in and she will ask you not to talk in the back of the church. She has cleared many a folk (w/an attitude) from back there.

[DC_Zeta1920]

Someone may have mentioned these (I didn't read all of the posts)

The choir director has the best hairdo in the church.

All the ushers where nurse's outfits

The collection plate is passed around more than once.

All of the paper fans have funeral home ads on them

They have certain days where they do baptisms

The church name is extremely long....Third Street Hallelujah House of the Redeemer Baptist Church

[ATLien]

my church only baptize every first sunday in the month.lol only

[Pearls4Life]

You know your in a black church when:


A church members home catches on fire and burns to the ground. She is a member of said church for more than 2 years. Fire was on the news and all, she goes to the church to get help for clothes because she has none. Pastor' s secretary calls pastor and he tell her to go to wal-mart and bring a reciept back.....lol plus asked for the store manager at the store to verify what they have on! But, he drives a mercedes and his secretary a caddy! Now they take up food, clothes and money for the needy, but she could not get any help initially. Now thats Ghetto!And know she is a member...come on now. It was all on the news. Lawd.....help our greddy ministers! For some its a business not christ like at all.... (shaking head, how pitiful)



Oh yeah ....AND SHE TITHES....!

[The Truth]

One of the "Mother's" of the church, who you have never talked to in your life, lets you know you know doggone well you didn't have no business wearing that to church. If she has a really big purse she may pull something out to "fix" your problem.

[1flypoodle]

When one of the church mothers catches you putting candy in your mouth and hands you a tissue to spit it out with. Then 2 minutes later during prayer you open your eyes to see her poppin some candy in her mouth. Sayin "Yes Lord" all loud so you can't hear the wrapper.