The Fat Lady Sang

[navane]

I think HotDamnImAPhiMu took the words right out of my mouth.





<PNAM Hugs>


.....Kelly

[navane]

Hey kittyuk, maybe we can make Adrienne a member of LBS?




.....Kelly

[Tom Earp]

Frustration and depression is like the Sun going down in the Western Sky!

Hope Springs Eternal as the Sun Comes up in the East.

While your travels have proved fruitless so far, never give up Hope.

As has been said, AI is such a new thing to many Greek Organizations and hard to comprehend for that who have only seen Recruitment at the Collegiate Level!

Just take a break for a bit and a second breath, count to 10 and dont give up Hope!

[pinkyphimu]

adrienne,

thank you for sharing your story with us. i know that your road was long and difficult. if i were in the same situation, i would definately take a break from pursuing ai. give yourself time to heal and then who knows what will happen. i am truly sorry that you have been through so many ups and downs.

[Sistermadly]

Adrienne,

You know all too well how I feel about this. I feel as if we've shared the pursuit of Alumna Initiation together, even though we researched different groups. You are a phenomenal woman - and whatever charitable/social organization you decide to devote your time and talents to will be made richer for it. You should be commended for your resillience, openness, and tenacity. It speaks volumes to the kind of woman you truly are.

To All the Sorority Women on GC:

If your organization does not have a standardized, carved in black-and-white policy on Alumna Initiation - fight for one. We alumna initiates know all too well that the process can vary from city to city -- hell, it can vary from initiation to initiation! We know and understand the NPC policy on mutual selection. But I get the feeling that the membership process for collegians is more firmly structured than it is for alumna initiates. This lack of structure and inconsistency is frustrating for the PNAM and for her sponsor. It shouldn't have to be this way.

Take the time to educate your members on alumna initiation. If you are a collegian, bring it up in your chapter meetings. If you are an alumna, bring it up at alumna events.

If you are an alumna initiate - let everyone know WITH PRIDE that you are an alumna initiate of your organization! In a way, it's kind of like coming out of the closet for gay people - people are more tolerant and less ignorant of things when they know someone personally who has gone through the process.

My heart is breaking for Adrienne right now, as I'm sure are all of yours. We always tell PNMs that things happen for a reason, and maybe this happened for a reason - maybe there's something greater out there for you that's waiting just over the horizon. Good luck to you - and know that we are always here for you, no matter what.

[aephi alum]

Adrienne,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I scarcely know what to say. You've been through a lot in your pursuit of AI. Maybe the best thing for you to do is take a step back and regroup. Don't close the door entirely! There are still 22 more NPC groups out there (well, 21 since AEPhi doesn't do AI), or maybe a non-NPC group is right for you.

Take care.

[AchtungBaby80]

First I'd just like to say that I'm sorry, Adrienne...it sounds like you've been to Hell and back on the scenic route, and I'm really impressed that you've kept your positive outlook on Greek life. Thank you.

However...this makes me wonder. What would happen if a collegiate PNM was treated like this (i.e. made to think that she would likely be initiated into an organization when that wasn't the case)? Now, I'm not faulting the individual organizations, since a number of factors could've been working behind the scenes and it seems that not a lot of people are really familiar with how AI works. But I do think it's sad that alumnae initiates aren't given more respect, because I think AI is a good thing.

[adduncan]

Originally posted by Sistermadly

But I get the feeling that the membership process for collegians is more firmly structured than it is for alumna initiates. This lack of structure and inconsistency is frustrating for the PNAM and for her sponsor. It shouldn't have to be this way.

Take the time to educate your members on alumna initiation.

Thanx, Sistermadly. I agree the NPC as a whole has a lot to learn about AI and I think the first place they should go for their lesson is the NPHC.

But in addition to the points you made in your post, there's also the issue of enforcement, if that's the word. In my situation, while most people I met were in favor of my induction, there were allegedly a select few who chose to circumvent the (extremely well-publicised) processes and standards for their own agendas. My potential contributions to the fraternity and my feelings were not an issue for them.

In addition to setting policy and guidelines, it's also a matter of changing hearts.

Adrienne

[BadSquirrelBeta]

I am just heart broken reading your thread, but I just wanted to encourage you, please don't give up. Take some time to clear your head, as you have been saying, but please don't give up.

I am so sorry. Please know that the crew on GC is here for you.

[dzandiloo]

This just makes me so sad, and I agree that NPC groups do have alot to learn about AI. Even in my own organization, I hear about drastically different attitudes on the subject. I pledged in a community that LOVED alum initiates (DZ & Alpha Gam constantly initiated women from the community), and even today, I am sponsoring 2 women for AI, in a town that doesn't have a collegiate chapter. But I've heard of alum chapters in towns with established groups & collegiate chapters that aren't so open-minded about it...women who have trouble understanding why anyone would want to be initiated as an alum.... I am often surprised by the number of times we've discussed this on Surfing Sisters where someone will mention they're sponsoring someone, and people will post that they've never even heard of the possibility of AI.

I guess its just going to take some more time...even for those orgs that strongly encourage AI, to make it more mainstream & less unusual.

Adrienne-you have put so much energy into your search--I can't even come close to knowing how this has made you feel...and I can't speak for everyone, I've never met you, but your diligence is commendable. Keep your chin up, take a deep breath. We're here for you!

[JohnsDGsweethrt]

Adrienne I had so wished to call you my sister and all of this still leaves me feeling but mostly X 10. I wish all of this would have worked out.

[JennRN]

Originally posted by BadSquirrelBeta
I am just heart broken reading your thread, but I just wanted to encourage you, please don't give up. Take some time to clear your head, as you have been saying, but please don't give up.

I am so sorry. Please know that the crew on GC is here for you.

Adrienne, I just want to echo what was said here. My heart is sad for you-take some time for yourself to heal and recouperate-but you would be such an asset, please don't give up!!

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by adduncan
OK, folks, the word came in tonight.

Long story short, there was some argument from within the chapter whether they were in favor of AI at all or not. FYI, there was NO indication to me that there was any kind of conflict over anything. And **if** I am permitted to pursue this org again, I have to wait YEARS. One year took enough out of my psyche. So like I said earlier, the journey has come to an end.

As I promised way back when, here is my entire AI journey story, with names included.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once I learned that AI was even a possibility, I went back to square one and researched every woman’s GLO I could find. I clarified specifically for myself what I wanted in an org, and what I wanted to contribute. I came up with this:
1) An organization with structured collegiate AND alumnae involvement, so there could be a chance, now and in the future to mentor young people in college. (I’m really big on teaching, always have been.)
2) An org with alumnae already established in the area. Alumnae are the people I’m going to be working, identifying, supporting, and networking with. Therefore, I figured it would be frustrating to be initiated into an org if there are few to no other alums in the area.
3) A national philanthropy I could relate to personally. This is pretty broad but socializing is only one aspect of the sisterhood I was looking for—making a positive difference in your community is (IMHO) essential to any public org.

It was a struggle to pick just ONE org to pursue, especially because I could identify with something in each org. But eventually I settled on Delta Delta Delta to pursue first. TriDelta’s philanthropy is children’s cancer research, literally right up my alley. They also have chapters (collegiate and alum) reasonably close. And I couldn’t help but be attracted to an org founded by fellow Boston U students.
With CP2K’s help, I drafted an introductory letter and sent it to national. Within a couple of days I received a wonderful email from a national coordinator who told me the name of a local alum chapter prez. We talked on the phone, even, to discuss the process, exchange some information—and learned that the prez would be contacting me. Given that it was the end of the year (2002) and that meant holidays and Founders’ Day, I didn’t expect a response on the spot. Finally, in February I sent a polite “reminder” email that I had not heard anything yet. That month brought a cheerful phone call from the local alum prez. It was a blast; we knew some of the same people, had similar interests and I thought we were off to a great start. She promised to round up some other alums to have lunch and “get to know” each other. (Let’s be real, this is an interview, but I knew and expected that.) We kept the month of March open for this.

March came and went.

And then all of my phone calls went unanswered. So did my emails. Even to the contact I made at national.

Absoultely nothing, for MONTHS of patient waiting. Now I may be naïve in some things but I do know when to take a hint. DDD was not to be my home and it was time to move on.

For all of you alums and future alums out there: DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!! Getting ignored is insulting to the PNAM and reflects badly on your org!!! It is entirely possible that I made a poor impression at some point. Or maybe the chapter wasn’t in favor of AI. Or maybe she didn’t like someone I was close to. I’ll never know, because no one ever told me.

----

OK, moving on to GLO number 2, Gamma Phi Beta. Again, met the criteria I set for myself: philanthropy is camping for girls, another activity very close to my heart. Same process, contact national, state my intentions, and ask who to contact. Now these people are on the ball! Had several possible groups for me to talk to within 24 hours, and a request that I contact them again if they don’t write back. Another 24 hours and I had an email back from the prez of the nearest alum chapter with an invitation to their upcoming dinner party.

This dinner party was the first chance I had to see an alum group in action. Very welcoming group, and gracious to this new visitor. This was the first time I saw the depth of the sisterhood bonds—spanning across nations and generations and the differences did not separate them. The youngest there was in her 20s, the oldest over 80! The defining moment, where I felt I could truly understand what a lifelong sisterhood was, was when they sang their grace before dinner. All of these women, from all over the USA, with a 60-year age span, all knew the same song. Each one learned it in a different time and place, and attached different memories to it, yet it still meant the same thing. It’s hard to explain but that moment crystallized what I was pursuing in my mind.

I didn’t think it went too badly for an initial visit. In fact, it didn’t go badly at all. But…as incredible as it sounds, there was no big mental “click” that let you know that this would be the place to settle in. I can’t put my finger on what was missing, but I didn’t’ feel I could try to put roots down until I had looked at other orgs I was interested in. After the summer was over, I hadn’t heard back from them. Maybe they felt the same way. But in this case, I got a fair first-shot and everything about my inquiry was handled promptly and with dignity. Absolutely nothing negative here.

----

Another GLO I wanted to meet was Kappa Alpha Theta. Both of my sisters-in-law (who are essentially sisters to me except that we have different parents) became members in college and they made it REALLY clear that if I wanted to pursue Theta, they would pave the way. I didn’t know much about them until my SILs directed me to their website and shared their own experiences with me. I was surprised to learn how active they are in my area and their support of CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates). Another issue I have experience with and a love for.

My younger SIL put in a phone call to a buddy of hers at the national office to inquire on my behalf. You have to know Cindy to know when this woman wants something done it would take a nuclear explosion to distract her. The national officer, however, discouraged her from putting me through the AI gauntlet w/ Theta. It seems that Theta is one of those orgs that is on the “closed” end of the spectrum when it comes to AI. (Not making a judgment on whether that’s good or bad, just saying that’s the way it is.) According to my SIL, their criteria for AI came down to the following:
--a faculty member or wife thereof of a college/university
--someone from a colony that was chartered as Theta after she graduated
--when there isn’t enough alumna support in the area
--a celebrity

In my case, I happened to live in a city with one of the strongest Theta alum chapters in the org, so they didn’t “need” to AI me. I never ended up meeting the chapter. To Cindy, that was enough of a nuclear explosion to throw her off the scent. I wasn’t happy about that, but I greatly respected the fact that they were very up-front about their policies and didn’t mince words or mislead me, even inadvertently.

----

The last org was a surprise even to me. Around April-ish of this year, there were a few threads running about why post-collegiate women are interested in Greek life. I posted on a couple of those, hinting at some of the very personal things I put in my introduction letters. I received a PM from someone I now consider one of my bestest buddies asking if I would consider her meeting her org, as she thought there would be a good match there. I’m thinking, “hey, sure, what could it hurt?” I sent my intro letter to her colleague who had quite a bit of experience with AI. Time for another meeting with a new group.

Do you know how it is, when you come home from work, you drop your briefcase, kick off your shoes, pick up the mail, and grab something out of the fridge, without even thinking about the actions because you are so accustomed to your home you don’t have to put any effort into it? That is what this meeting was like! Being in this stranger’s home with 3 dozen new women was like walking into my own home with people I’ve known forever.

CLICK!

Everyone there was positive about AI, even if they were just hearing of it. At the end of the night my new friend who escorted me to the meeting fielded all of my questions and asked me to contact her if I wanted to go forward with the process, acknowledging that I had been exploring several orgs looking for the right fit. I decided to go ahead and process the paperwork. Summer passed, and the pursuit continued into September.

Unfortunately, you know the rest of this story as well. What was originally received very positively by the chapter, and even by at least one member of EO, was shot in the foot by a regional officer due to some conflicts within the chapter that I am still not clear on.

This was Delta Gamma.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beating a dead horse: I'm dead tired, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, the works. I haven't felt like this since I split up with my first serious boyfriend--after we had talked about marriage, our parents had met, etc. I don't have the energy - the guts - to do this again.

As time passes, that may change. I just dont' see it at the moment. It's humiliating to get THAT many rejections over that amount of time. I'd wear myself out if I got into the "what's WRONG with me?" thinking. If an org came to me to meet them, that would be doable, but we know that isn't necessarily a reasonable expectation. I do want the bonding that only a GLO can provide. I just don't want the process that goes with it. I feel like I've been hazed.

Again--thanks everyone. I honestly mean it. I really will get to all of those PMs, I promise. And I will still promote Greek life in whatever humble way I can. (Just this past Thursday evening I got into a conversation with a kid from the Boston U development office--I told her that every day I wish I went Greek and if she still has the chance to not let it go by!)

We'll see what happens as time goes by. I'm not going anywhere, just in low gear. Feel free to PM or email.

{{{GC}}}
Adrienne

Hi.

[Lil' Hannah]

Originally posted by valkyrie
Hi.

Hey.

[lauralaylin]

That link doesn't work, there's an "L" in front of it.