Keep these things in mind

[kddani]

bumping

[polarpi]

Originally posted by breathesgelatin
There is a fine line between being positive and encouraging, and spreading false hope. It's always appropriate to say things like "We are thinking of you/Best wishes/Good luck/Do your best/We hope all goes well/Enjoy yourself" but statements like "It will be fine/Don't worry about XXX (ie rush mishap-grade problem-junior status-etc)/Any chapter would be proud to have you" are more problematic.

I'm SO sorry...I'm guilty of the "any chapter would be thrilled/proud/lucky to have you" remarks.

I think a lot of my making those remarks comes from the wanting to be encouraging (like everyone else here), and not even thinking of how optimistic and over the top these remarks can be. I promise to be a little more careful with what I post from here on out....

[AXWhoah]

I am glad that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am a pessimist by nature and so when I see PNMs posting on here saying that they are going through recruiment for the third time at the same school my first thought is that they're gonna get cut everywhere. And then I am shocked when people tell those girls that this is the time, that they're finally gonna have a home, etc. Chances are, if you've been cut from all the chapters twice before you're gonna get cut a third time. Or married PNM's, on all the campuses that I know of (granted that's probably only around a dozen, though they vary in location and size) a married woman would be cut right away. Just because your chapter of XYZ takes married women doesn't mean University of Anywhere's chapter of XYZ does. I'm just glad that other people are realizes this. Cause it sucks to build up someone's hopes just for them to be dashed.

[MTSUGURL]

Something else - (at least on my campus) Most PNMs who are juniors, who have low grades, who are married, etc etc EXPECT to be cut fairly heavily. I did. Yes, it felt good when I was told by people on GC that any chapter would be proud to have me for a sister, (and you know what? Had they extended me a bid, they would have been.) I valued the encouragement (overboard or not) from the women here on GC so much more than ya'll will ever know, but I knew that the people who ultimately decided if I had a home somewhere I loved were the active sorority women on my campus. Problems come when campuses and sorority members tell us PNMs not to worry about being cut, that it's all about choosing a chapter where we fit. How much better preparation for the PNMs would it be to say, "Mutual selection means that you may be cut, you may cut them, and nothing is guaranteed. Recruitment is a blast, you will meet women that you absolutely love, but it is nerve wracking and filled with uncertainty." Not in those words, probably, but you get the idea.

Here's the way I knew that I was about to be cut: Whenever I walked out of a door that I wasn't going to be invited to come back through, I heard, "Have a good week." I never heard it if I was invited back.

PNM's, just practice some common sense - bids come from the women on your campus, not women on a message board, (unless they are from your campus...) Keep an open mind, but if you would rather not be Greek than be in a certain chapter, choose to be independent or seek other options and be proud of your decision, not pouty. Graciousness is a good thing! Rush is so much fun if you let it be and take the time to relax and get to know people, if for nothing else, the sake of knowing them.

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by AXWhoah
I am glad that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am a pessimist by nature and so when I see PNMs posting on here saying that they are going through recruiment for the third time at the same school my first thought is that they're gonna get cut everywhere. And then I am shocked when people tell those girls that this is the time, that they're finally gonna have a home, etc. Chances are, if you've been cut from all the chapters twice before you're gonna get cut a third time. Or married PNM's, on all the campuses that I know of (granted that's probably only around a dozen, though they vary in location and size) a married woman would be cut right away. Just because your chapter of XYZ takes married women doesn't mean University of Anywhere's chapter of XYZ does. I'm just glad that other people are realizes this. Cause it sucks to build up someone's hopes just for them to be dashed.

But the reverse is also true. Just because YOUR chapter doesn't take married women/juniors/girls with GPAs below a 2.8 . . . that doesn't mean that chapters at other schools won't. As we all know, things vary wildly from school to school and I think both PNMs and GC-ers need to keep their expectations in check. I think we all know that a married sophomore with a 2.4 is NOT going to get a bid at Ole Miss. But then, there's every possibility that she might at another smaller, less competitive school. I think the point is not to speak with conviction for schools we know nothing about . . . and also, not to lie. I know that when a PNM from my school asked me whether or not it was likely for juniors to get bids, I was honest and said, "It can happen, but your chances are much less likely than if you were a freshman." I could have said, "Of course we take juniors! We love them! They're just like freshman," but then the cuts that she would face would just be all the more hurtful.

Originally posted by MTSUGURL

Here's the way I knew that I was about to be cut: Whenever I walked out of a door that I wasn't going to be invited to come back through, I heard, "Have a good week." I never heard it if I was invited back.

This might be true in your case but I wouldn't advise PNMs to read too much into it. I thought the same thing when I was going through rush -- whenever a girl said "Good luck with the rest of recruitment" I thought that meant I was going to be cut because I heard, "Good luck with the rest of recruitment; you'll need it 'cause you aren't coming back here." But now that I'm on the other side, I've found that it's the complete opposite. When I think a girl is just so-so, I'll just say something like, "It was nice to meet you . . ." but if I love her, I'll say as much as I possibly can to convey that like, and I end saying something like, "It was so nice to meet you; good luck with the rest of recruitment and I hope you have fun!"

In most cases there's no rhyme or reason to it.

[MTSUGURL]

This might be true in your case but I wouldn't advise PNMs to read too much into it. I thought the same thing when I was going through rush -- whenever a girl said "Good luck with the rest of recruitment" I thought that meant I was going to be cut because I heard, "Good luck with the rest of recruitment; you'll need it 'cause you aren't coming back here." But now that I'm on the other side, I've found that it's the complete opposite. When I think a girl is just so-so, I'll just say something like, "It was nice to meet you . . ." but if I love her, I'll say as much as I possibly can to convey that like, and I end saying something like, "It was so nice to meet you; good luck with the rest of recruitment and I hope you have fun!"

In most cases there's no rhyme or reason to it.

I didn't mean for that to sound generalized, but when I went back and read my post, I realized that it does. This is just something I picked up looking back over my recruitment experience on my campus because I was looking for any little sign. Although on our campus they're not supposed to say, "I hope to see you again," it was said by some, and never on the same night as "Have a good week." Don't go through recruitment and burst nto tears immediately if they tell you to have a good week! It may mean nothing more than, "Have a good week."

[justamom]

No matter the size of the campus or Greek System, competition of some sort exists. Perhaps not as cut throat as larger/elite/Southern or similar systems, but every sorority seeks the most qualified members and every PNM seeks a strong sisterhood. Every recruitment has the potential to see cuts, be it 300 or 10 girls who will end up without a bid.

Sometimes we ALL tend to sugarcoat the system.
GDI is not a dirty word. We never discuss that right up front when a new person starts to post. I understand it could be a spoiler for the enthusiasm, but still, it IS a real possibility.

So many of the characteristics GLOs seek are embedded in those HS years-grades, activities, confidence, polish. Some of these things are impossible to rectify by coming on GC a few months prior to recruitment. (I wish we could reach these young ladies earlier in their HS careers.)
AXWhoah and I look at things in a similar way.
I've got a pretty stinky philosophy when it comes to things like THIS.
Mine is-Expect nothing and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Kind of droll, but it has helped me keep my expectations in check.

[LeslieAGD]

I've read through this entire thread and I don't think anyone came out and said what I think is a very valid point: this is the internet. As much as we would like to think we "know" the PNMs that come here seeking advice or telling their stories, we really don't. You can be a supermodel or Mother Theresa on the internet and be the opposite in real life. Also, we don't know what the chapter members are seeing when these PNMs enter their parties. I think kddani is completely correct when she stressed that we want to be encouraging but realistic, and excited but cautious.

[2blue]

PNM's and New Member's should also remember that as they are telling their stories, even after recruitment is over, to please refrain from making comments that could offend members of that GLO.

I soo agree with this statement. I have been hurt by at least 1 pnm, now nm, who made rude comments about my sorority. Soo.it wasn't the one for her, so what, it is and will be the one for others.

Remember, we are members of local and national PANHELLENIC organizations. We are at the top together or we are at the bottom together.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by LeslieAGD
I've read through this entire thread and I don't think anyone came out and said what I think is a very valid point: this is the internet. As much as we would like to think we "know" the PNMs that come here seeking advice or telling their stories, we really don't. You can be a supermodel or Mother Theresa on the internet and be the opposite in real life. Also, we don't know what the chapter members are seeing when these PNMs enter their parties. I think kddani is completely correct when she stressed that we want to be encouraging but realistic, and excited but cautious.

This is SOOO true!

I also keep telling myself that ultimately, I must trust the chapter's decision. I just wish the "To Rec or Not To Rec" situations were made more clear!!

As for a PNM or New Member saying something about a chapter, as long as it's not said with a mean spirit, I'm all ears! If a chapter I'm advising is coming off as conceited, or slutty, or whatever, I would want to know. But that's my opinion.

[kddani]

bumping b/c of current threads. always a good refresher

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

Crystal, you really said some good things there.

When it comes down to it I think it's OK to encourage, to support. we all agree with that. We're disagreeing on what falls into the "encouraging" category and what falls into the "misleading" category. And I doubt any of us are intentionally trying to mislead.

[ZTAngel]

Ok, I'm annoyed right now.

Let's say we have a GCer that went MIA after promising us details about their rush. Let's say this GCer has been gone for about 3 weeks now. Let's also say that this GCer was a slightly older PNM at a competitve school. Now, put all this together and I'm sure you all can come up with your own conclusions as to what happened. This GCer obviously didn't get a bid and isn't posting about it because, obviously, it's not something they're happy about or want to talk about. Would you?

If this is case, please stop coming to thread begging this person to come back and post their experience. THEY DON'T WANT TO! Also, if this person doesn't post their experience, it's not your place to come in and say, "My sources told me that she wasn't bidded." Jeez people....if she wasn't coming back to GC before to post her story, she sure as hell isn't coming back now.

If someone doesn't want to talk about their rush story, then there's probably a good reason for it. Just let it be!!!!!!!!!

[LouisaMay]

I've been thinking about this too. I didn't exactly feel annoyed, but I do feel sad and sympathetic toward the missing rushee who seems to be "hunted down."

I've been in those uncomfortable shoes, and I would not (if GC had been around then) have wanted to talk with a bunch of very enthusiastic greeks after being told that I couldn't be one (for the time being anyway). Some ex-PNMs may benefit from the outpouring of good-intentioned interest and support, but others may not be as comfortable. We need to respect silence, and also realize that these PNMs that are totally missing may not ever intend to even lurk at GC again. In these cases, calling out for updates long after the thread has been abandonded is not all that productive.

A couple of kind requests for an update or even a showing of welcome whether greek or independent...that's great.

Sending out the undercover agents...I don't think so

LM

[33girl]

ZTAngel, Barney loves you.