Boyfriend Hazing

[GreekGirley]

[QUOTE=Drolefille;2059433
Yeah counseling is (almost) always a good thing, but you're kind of coming at this from a really extreme perspective.[/QUOTE]

I consider hazing extreme. Guess I'm in the minority.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

I consider hazing extreme. Guess I'm in the minority.

"Hazing" is a broad category that can include what some groups consider "pledging." Recommending counseling when all you know is the keyword of "hazing" is a horrendous idea.

[GreekGirley]

If it has had such an effect on him that his entire personality has changed, then I highly doubt he was just forced to sing the Barney song in the cafeteria. He was hazed. The "bad" kind. (not that there is a "good version, but you know where I'm going with this)

It is quite obvious that something traumatic occurred...and let's not play pretend that hazing isn't alive & well in some chapters at some schools. Pretending that it's "not that bad" and shoving it under the table just contributes to the problem. I'm shocked that so many people take this subject SO lightly!

[DrPhil]

And now we're back to page 1.

[AGDee]

It could also be that she's hounding him so badly to share that he's shutting her out because he is simply not allowed to tell her anything. It's possible his personality has only changed with HER because she is making such an issue of this.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

If it has had such an effect on him that his entire personality has changed, then I highly doubt he was just forced to sing the Barney song in the cafeteria. He was hazed. The "bad" kind. (not that there is a "good version, but you know where I'm going with this)

It is quite obvious that something traumatic occurred...and let's not play pretend that hazing isn't alive & well in some chapters at some schools. Pretending that it's "not that bad" and shoving it under the table just contributes to the problem. I'm shocked that so many people take this subject SO lightly!

You really don't know any of this. It's not quite obvious at all.

ETA: You're coming at this from a very NPC perspective, when we don't know what org the OP's boyfriend joined. You don't know what happened, and neither does the OP. For all his/her talk of 'torment' and 'violence' s/he doesn't seem to actually know.

OP's boyfriend's change in behavior is evident, but we don't know the cause, just that there isn't understanding. They need to work it out between them, either through OP doing research as suggested (and s/he didn't respond to Sen with 'oh he's not in a black org' so I'm guessing Sen was pretty on target) or by working on their communication until they manage to understand each other.

A counselor MIGHT be helpful there, but they might not.

Additionally recommending the OP research hazing laws is waaaaaaay out there. That would probably end their relationship, not help it, and even if the boyfriend was hazed, he'd likely deny everything to protect his brothers. Even when someone IS abused, you don't force them to seek help. And assuming that hazing/abuse happened here is several jumps further than anyone but you is comfortable going.

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by AGDee

It could also be that she's hounding him so badly to share that he's shutting her out because he is simply not allowed to tell her anything. It's possible his personality has only changed with HER because she is making such an issue of this.

I was thinking the same. In fact, I could totally see myself reacting the same to a prying partner.

Also, just because a guy has the mentality of "I went through it, so everyone else should too" doesn't mean he's turned violent. For all we know, "hazing" at that chapter could only consist of cleaning the house and only being able to use the back staircase until initiated.

[GreekGirley]

Ok, so serious question here - I think I must be missing something that is understood by everyone else... Hazing is accepted/allowed in historically black fraternities, but frowned upon in historically white ones? Is that the deal?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by PiKA2001

I was thinking the same. In fact, I could totally see myself reacting the same to a prying partner.

Also, just because a guy has the mentality of "I went through it, so everyone else should too" doesn't mean he's turned violent. For all we know, "hazing" at that chapter could only consist of cleaning the house and only being able to use the back staircase until initiated.

I had to work very hard to not be that prying partner, especially with my first college boyfriend who I know went through what I would consider to be some pretty extreme hazing (for our campus even). It upset me a lot but I realized I couldn't push or pry. I already knew way more than I was supposed to because they had traveled to another college in our state where one of my best friends happened to be. She knew my boyfriend because she'd met him at my prom and she saw him at the chapter house on her campus. She had seen things I shouldn't have known about and called me that night. I knew if I had pushed him about it though, he would have shut me out.

I had a hard time understanding why he put up with what he did. I pledged the next term and became really scared during the week before Initiation, convinced that something similar would happen to me. I had decided that there were certain lines I had to draw and if those lines were crossed, I would have to quit on the spot, regardless of how much I loved these women. Then... voila... no lines were crossed and everything was great

Then my second college boyfriend was pledging when we started dating. There were some REALLY extreme jokes about some of the things that they were going to have to do but they were so ridiculous that everybody knew they weren't really going to happen. Again though, during his "Hell Week", I just stepped aside and didn't push for any info. I don't think he went through anything like the first boyfriend did though. At least nobody ever had to go ER during their "Hell Week". It was a frequent occurrence with the first boyfriend's GLO which, to me, means they went way too far.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Ok, so serious question here - I think I must be missing something that is understood by everyone else... Hazing is accepted/allowed in historically black fraternities, but frowned upon in historically white ones? Is that the deal?

No.

Like I said, we're back to page 1. Read page 1 of this thread.

[GreekGirley]

I've read and re-read page 1 of this thread and all I can find are replies either bashing this girl & telling her to dump her bf or some mumbo-jumbo about how the effects of hazing are different based on whether is physical or psychological??? Whatev.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

I've read and re-read page 1 of this thread and all I can find are replies either bashing this girl & telling her to dump her bf or some mumbo-jumbo about how the effects of hazing are different based on whether is physical or psychological??? Whatev.

So, you're done then?

[GreekGirley]

Yup.

[BluPhire]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

I've read and re-read page 1 of this thread and all I can find are replies either bashing this girl & telling her to dump her bf or some mumbo-jumbo about how the effects of hazing are different based on whether is physical or psychological??? Whatev.

LOL

I love this, especially the black/white orgs question.

Typical no shades of gray understanding.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by BluPhire

LOL

I love this, especially the black/white orgs question.

Typical no shades of gray understanding.

Oh hush! Either someone needs counseling or their life is absolutely perfecto!