Ok With Celibate Male Mate?

[SkeeWee14]

Pesonally, I love sex (with my man)!!! I'm a firm believer in sampling the milk before buying the cow. I mean, really, who wants to get stuck with a cow that can't "produce"? Having said that, as much as I love having sex I have been walking towards the path of righteousness...notice I said towards the path and not in it. So if my boyfriend came to me right now and said that he want to stop having sex until we are married I wouldn't have a problem with it. It would be hard, but I would give it up in a minute. I don't know that I can start off that way (meaning dating a man who is celibate) because I got to know what a brother is working with before I can commit to it. Sex is a very big part of a relationship and if you aren't sexually satisfied I really believe that problems will arise. As far as a man being "suspect" if he doesn't want to have sex, I feel the same way. Especially if the brother is in Atlanta, GA. Whenever I meet a guy in Atlanta, "Are you gay/bisexual?" is always the first thing that I ask. If they immediately get offended by the question, that to me is deserving of a red flag.

[Dionysus]

Originally posted by Choo-ChooAKA
In my experience this is not "nuts." It's practical wisdom.

TO ALL: I would like to know how many of you ACTUALLY KNOW a man who has voluntarily committed himself to celibacy until marriage (not relationship, but MARRIAGE. I can understand why a person would want to be in a committed relationship before having sex).

If you do know a man who has taken this vow of chastity and has adhered to it for more than 1 year, tell me, what is he like?

No, I don't know any man who has voluntarily committed himself to celibacy until marriage. I have not ask, nor has anyone volunteered that info to me. Even if he did, he could've been lying. Or, the other way around, he could be lying about not saving himself. But, that still won't prove your point. Because you, me, or anyone else in this thread doesn't know any man who has done this, it doesn't mean that there is no such man who saved himself yet isn't "funny".

[ClassyLady]

I am celibate and in a long term relationship, so therefore my man is celibate too (lemme find out he's not, y'all will see me on the news). Anyway, speaking as someone with experience, I can atest to the fact that celibacy is not easy, for either partner in a relationship. If you think that a man's reasons for celibacy are "suspect," you will be able to either confirm or deny that belief soon into the relationship. If you have been together for two years and he hasn't had a hard time restraining himself, at least once, that probably means that he doesn't want you like that in the first place. If you have been together for two years and you have had to remind him, and yourself, why you chose celibacy, then he probably is not on the DL.

[Sister Havana]

Originally posted by Choo-ChooAKA
TO ALL: I would like to know how many of you ACTUALLY KNOW a man who has voluntarily committed himself to celibacy until marriage (not relationship, but MARRIAGE. I can understand why a person would want to be in a committed relationship before having sex).

If you do know a man who has taken this vow of chastity and has adhered to it for more than 1 year, tell me, what is he like?

I do! (Actually I knew a couple, but one got married so I presume he's not celibate anymore. I should hope! ) He is not super-religious but he has strong moral beliefs about this.
He's been dating another friend of mine for a couple years who also doesn't believe in sex before marriage (she is a very religious Catholic) so it works. Of course that is not the only reason why they're so good together, but it's one of them.

As for me, I totally respect anyone who feels this way, but it doesn't mean I'd want to date them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like sex and didn't think it was an important part of a relationship. After all, before I marry someone, I would want to make sure we are compatible in all sorts of ways, and sex is an important one. I didn't buy my car before I test-drove it, and with luck I'd be committed to a husband longer than to my car!

[Choo-ChooAKA]

Dionysus, you're right. Just because we don't know him doesn't mean he doesn't exist. Stereotyping all men as "funny" because they not only believe in but adhere to a vow of chastity before marriage would be wrong. I was referring to my experience and asking others what they've experienced; I wasn't trying to prove a point by asking the question, just curious to see the responses.

Classy Lady: I admire yours and your mate's willpower. Being on the same wavelength and giving each other strength in order to stick to your beliefs will build a strong marriage if you end up there.

Sister Havana: It sounds like your friends, too, are on the same wavelength as Classy Lady and her significant other.

SkeeWee14, I agree with you.

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by delph998
I like you Lovelyivy!! You keeps it real. Because you don't believe in God (I'm right, am I?) I can understand why you have that stance.

To the Christians, like sister soror Abaici said, you can be intimate without having sex. And I know a lot of people who believe that sex confuses everything. So not having it, makes it less complicated.

Summerchild, do you mind if we open this up to the fellas? I want to know how the men feel about the subject matter.

Delph, I don't mind opening it up to the fellows but there is such a thread on the Alpha Phi Alpha forum. However, it seems that it would be informative to be able to compare in a single thread. Happy posting fellas!

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by lovelyivy84
I am a theist. I believe in God, but not in any particular religion.

I believe he's out there, just don't know his name :-)

Soror LovelyIvy84,
I also believe in G-D but am not a follower of any organized religion. You are not alone.

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by Choo-ChooAKA


And I, too, do not believe in any particular religion but God (or whatever one choses to call him/her) is everything in every aspect of my life.

Soror Choo-ChooAKA,
I totally agree!

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by Choo-ChooAKA
Ha-ha, Soror. You made me laugh! Yes, there are some things I feel very strongly about. Between that and waaay too much free time at work, this is a very interesting topic!

end hijack

Yay and it was my thread that she posted so much on!!!
Just kidding.

[SummerChild]

Ladies,
I guess that I should answer my own question.

I would respect a man that wants to maintain an abstinent lifestyle and try to work with him to the best of my ability. I think that *physically* I could go without and seek other avenues of intimacy.

However, I don't know how happy I would be with this sort of relationship b/c I believe that sex can be a deeply emotional and bonding experience. I think that I'd want to have that experience and bond with him on that very deep level before I marry him. I wonder if I could feel close enough to a man to marry him if I have never had sex with him and therefore never had that deep experience of bonding with him in that intimate way that (to my knowledge) only sex brings.

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by SkeeWee14
Whenever I meet a guy in Atlanta, "Are you gay/bisexual?" is always the first thing that I ask. If they immediately get offended by the question, that to me is deserving of a red flag.

Soror, I have met a man that I wanted to ask this question of. How do you do it w/out turning someone off that you might have wanted to start something with? Is it timing? Inflection? LOL

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by abaici
uh, naw. lol


ETA: I know someone who's been celibate for over a year. It's not an easy thing for him at all, but he has his convictions.

Soror Abaici and Soror Choo-ChooAKA,
Maybe it's just me but I'd rather go ahead and do the "do" and continue to see if this is someone that I want to marry than to hurry up and marry b/c I can't hold out any longer. I know too many folk like that that "thought" that they'd found the one and were encouraged to hop the broom by the members of the congregation (and they were ahem, anxious as well) and the whole thing just didn't work out.

I guess that I'm going to have to just sample the goods if it gets to that point - hope that it won't though.

SC

[lovelyivy84]

Originally posted by SummerChild
Soror, I have met a man that I wanted to ask this question of. How do you do it w/out turning someone off that you might have wanted to start something with? Is it timing? Inflection? LOL

SC

Why would you want to start something with someone that you feel might be gay? Even if he answers 'no', he might not be ready to admit it to you or anyone else.

I say go with your gut.

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by lovelyivy84
Why would you want to start something with someone that you feel might be gay? Even if he answers 'no', he might not be ready to admit it to you or anyone else.

I say go with your gut.

Soror I'm not saying that I think that he's gay. I can't go into details but if I thought that he was gay or bi, I wouldn't deal at all. I guess that that's the whole problem - none of us know for sure - we don't even know that they are telling the truth. Do you have any tips on how to ask this question w/out totally turning the man off? At some point, I'd probably want to run this question past most any man that I'm involved with, just to get any assurance that I can. We all know that the homothugs don't show any tell-tale "signs" - which is scary. Our best bet might be to simply ask.

SC

[lovelyivy84]

Well the homothug will unfortunately be the first one and the loudest one saying no.

I see what you're saying Soror, and you do have a good point. I guess it should just be a regular part of the getting to know you process. Don't ask too soon or he'll be offended, but when you are becoming acquainted (second date maybe) ask away. Even if you don't feel comfortable. I would do it flat out, but might caution the man beforehand that even though he might find the question offensive it's a standard one that I ask all men with whom I am becoming involved.

Or get him drunk and play "I never". In Vino Veritas!