Saving yourself..to what extent??

[James]

JAM, Ok I can see that, true. I just think its a reverse presurre. He knows he's not going to change her so he is just going to be sad and leave. She is putting the pressure on herself, because she liked the guy that wants to have sex with her. . . oh that is all too complicated and painful sounding lol. We humans do like to botch stuff don't we?

H2oot, all I'm saying is that somewhere down the line the guy is going to realize that there are other gret girls without the same type of sexual limitations. This doesn't always happen. But its out there, especially when his friends get through with him

[twinstars]

Originally posted by justamom

Most girls DO start out hoping/thinking they will save themselves.
Honestly, how many of the women posting thought, "Man I've got to get me some before I get married!"

Maybe I'm unusual for a girl, but I sort of do feel that way. Even if I met a great guy tomorrow, I would still feel like I'm way too young to be entirely finished dating around and experiencing different types of guys. I think I SHOULD get some more sexual experience before I settle down with one guy forever. Maybe that would change if I met "the one," but the thought of settling down without living a little first is really scary.

I know a lot of guys my age (21) feel the same way, even to a greater extent.

[amycat412]

Originally posted by twinstars


Maybe I'm unusual for a girl, but I sort of do feel that way. Even if I met a great guy tomorrow, I would still feel like I'm way too young to be entirely finished dating around and experiencing different types of guys. I think I SHOULD get some more sexual experience before I settle down with one guy forever. Maybe that would change if I met "the one," but the thought of settling down without living a little first is really scary.

I know a lot of guys my age (21) feel the same way, even to a greater extent.

I agree with you. I can't imagine my first experience (almost 19 yrs old at the time) being my ONLY experience. I can't imagine giving up so many of the experiences I've had.

Only now, at 32, having dated A LOT can I say if I met THE ONE tomorrow, I may not be ready to get married, but I am ready to be monogamous to him and only him. I feel I've done and experienced enough to know that when I meet him, I will KNOW this is something special.

If I'd gone w/ my first, it would've been a hormonal thing, NOT a RIGHT thing.

We each will do what is comfy for us, when it is right for us. I respect people's right to wait, just as they should respect mine not to. I am 32 and single, and there's no way in hell I would wish to still be a virgin at my age-- GIVE up all the fun I've had? Not a chance in hell I'd do that! hee hee

[KSig RC]

Originally posted by h2oot
JAM, I agree with what you said.

James says: "Also, its an economics issue for guys."

An economic Issue??? Uh...like how much will she cost you before payback time....Geeze. Why don't you just ask her up front and be done with it. Isn't that what they do on street corners

Well . . . maybe look at it like this (guy's perspective):

How do we 'rate' people as potential partners? Basically, we sit down and examine the positives and negatives (subconsciously) of each person.

Now, a strong sexual side to the relationship is a definite positive - so, since we're all seeking to optimize our relationships, if another girl came along with that positive, and all other things are equal, it makes perfect sense to seek that out.

Now, does intercourse necessarily equal a strong sex life? Not always . . . but each of us has our own thoughts on that.

[h2oot]

Originally posted by KSig RC


Well . . . maybe look at it like this (guy's perspective):

How do we 'rate' people as potential partners? Basically, we sit down and examine the positives and negatives (subconsciously) of each person.

Now, a strong sexual side to the relationship is a definite positive - so, since we're all seeking to optimize our relationships, if another girl came along with that positive, and all other things are equal, it makes perfect sense to seek that out.

Now, does intercourse necessarily equal a strong sex life? Not always . . . but each of us has our own thoughts on that.

I haven't exactly gotten into "rating" guys or "optimizing" relationships. To me its more about bonding, intimacy, compatibility, and chemistry. And these blend together on an emotional and intellectual level not as a rating on a score card (pun intended).

There is a lot to be said about the mystery of love and coming together as a couple....and discovery.

If you really wanted to do this objectively you could:

1) sleep with a control group of women of various sizes, nationalities, races...hey maybe even a few guys (ya never know...wink.)

2) sleep with your prospective mate for comparison. You should prolly videotape it so you can fully assess reactions, mean time to orgasm, flexibility, durability, max torque, RPMs, etc.

3) conduct a cost benefit analysis of the relationship. Maybe you can get a better "deal" with the gal down the street. Who knows, maybe at the corner pub you can get a "two for one" or a "happy hour special."

4) be sure you "breed" a couple of kids to see if your prospect is as responsive after a day with the kids. I mean a guy as to be sure the lady keeps him smiling.

5) etc., etc.

I want to clairify one thing--I'm not against pre-marital sex, I am stressing that I will BE with a guy depending on my emotional readiness and not because some guy feels it's his due or if he threatens to move on.

I agree as you get older some of the issues may change, but for now I'm about being in love first. What works for me is if sex is an expression of my love, than to hope I can find love out of sex.

[LexiKD]

Ok, I see all of everyone's points and Yes I do agree that it would be more than a hardship to wait until you married to have sex, BUT:

Let's face it, back in the day couples were married at much younger ages and had making a family as #1 prority...that is not so much the case any longer.

In today's dating world, it is a few dates, if not sooner that men expect something to happen. I do not condone this, but I do understand.

I am 23 and most the men I date are at least 25-26 and they are not high school guys that will sit around and wait for the physical side to happen, they want to see if you both have chemistry or not.

Now, that doen't mean I want to run into bed with every man I meet, by far that is not the case. But when and if I met someone I felt was reasonable and that we had future potential then I would consider becoming more serious and no I wouldn't allow myself to pretend I was so virtuous and do everything but sleep with him. I think you either save it or you don't; don't even get me on born agian virgins!

And if I wanted to save it and was 23 and hadn't already given it away, then you bet I wouldn't until the big day; for no other reason that I wouldn't want to go out like a chump.

[dzsaigirl]

Can you imagine how traumatizing it would be to have both your first kiss and "first time" on the same night? Saving sex for marriage is something I completely understand, but kissing too? That doesn't seem like a healthy pacing for a normal sex life!

[FuzzieAlum]

Am I the only one out here on this wavelength?

I didn't have sex in high school - didn't date anyone seriously enough. I wasn't particularly interested in "saving myself for marriage," but the guy I dated through most of college wasn't interested in sex. He was very much into his technical virginity ... I sometimes felt, geez, am I the only girl on the planet who has to put the pressure on the guy? (I tried not to, really.)

Now I find being sex itself (in the strictest sense of "sex") a little uncomfortable. No guy has ever made me feel uncomfortable - it is in MY head that I wish I had more experience and had a better idea of what I was doing. I would rather have explored more of my sexuality with a guy who was doing the same thing, not someone with more experience.

Conclusion: If you want to save yourself, date other people who want to save themselves.

[amycat412]

Fuzzie-
You're not the only one-- I didn't have sex in high school either--it never even occurred to me as an option.

And I know plenty of women, friends of mine who maybe have only slept with 3, 4, 5 men, who feel as you do.

Amy

[cash78mere]

Originally posted by FuzzieAlum


Conclusion: If you want to save yourself, date other people who want to save themselves.

ok, i was keeping myself out of these conversations until this ridiculous quote. not to attack you personaly fuzziealum (that is not my point ) but you are WAY OFF BASE and have no basis or right to your claim.

I'll tell you why.

I'm 23. and a virgin. yes i know, very rare. (and i'm sure james, who saw me in action on saturday night is probably shocked out of his mind!) right, james?!

why, you may ask, would a normal 23 year old stay a virgin for so long? you're probably thinking, she must be weird or a religious fanatic (clearly not!) or something else, but that is just not true. the reason is because i have never liked someone to that extent. and ALL, and i mean ALL of my friends who started to have sex in college will now sleep with almost anyone. they don't have to be dating for a long time, or even dating at all. that is just not my style.

am i against sleeping with someone before marriage? no. a resounding no. but until i find someone worthy of me, i will wait. and i'm not waiting for "the one"...far from that! just someone who means a lot to me.

so for you to say that i should only date other men who don't want to sleep with any jane, mary or nicole is ludicrous. i'll date who i want to! and if they aren't mature enough to deal with not sleeping with me right away, then they clearly aren't mature and are definitely not high quality. i'm not going to date only virgins. no one walks around with a virginity sign around their neck so we would know who they are! if someone wants to get married after sleeping with dozens of people in their past, go for it. but to me, sleeping with my husband after having such a colorful past would just be a drop in the bucket. what a waste.

i am fuming right now. some people think they have the right to judge others. i'm not judging anyone on their sexual past, whether it is or is not existant. i judge the quality of the PERSON. period.

don't get on a high horse---when you fall you'll really hurt yourself.

[amycat412]

cash78mere-- well said. I too waited for someone I thought was special. Only I met him at during my freshman year, and so shortly before I turned 19 took the plunge.

In retrospect-- he wasn't good enough, LOL, but I was READY-- that plays a factor too. I've wished on occasion my first had been someone else now, but at the time, it was right for me.

I respect highly that you respect yourself to wait until its special, that is what we should ALL do, whether that happens at 18, 23, 25 whenever.

MY personal feeling is that many (NOT ALL) people who say they are saving it all for marriage-- are being naive. My PERSONAL feeling, that's all that is.

But saving yourself for the moment and relationship that is right for you-- THAT is the sensible thing to do.

And I think Fuzzie meant, or I took it her comment on dating someone who is saving themselves as well to mean people who intend to save themselves for marriage, and can't even fathom the possibility that they may be so in love, so attracted, feel so passionately about someone that they wouldn't want to wait.

Where's ErikaXO on this thread, anyway?

Amy

[FuzzieAlum]

Cash78mere, for some reason my computer won't let you quote you in my reply ...

I am extremely sorry you took what I said the way you did. Apparently I didn't say what I thought I did.

First, although I didn't state it, and I should have, a coda to my statement about savers dating other savers is that those who don't want to wait should date others who feel the same way. I made a mistake in continuing to date someone who made me feel uncomfortable with my own sexuality. It was immaturity that led me to continue in a relationship that wasn't what I wanted. I should have stated that, and I'm sorry I didn't. But I do think people tend to marry people with a similar sexual history - I think it's unlikely that a virgin would marry a woman who had slept with 100 men. I don't mean that as a value judgment on either party, but people tend to choose people like them.

Second, if a man (or woman) is up front about wanting to wait, that's fine. In my own personal case, which is what I was writing about, my bf was back and forth, changing his mind. He'd be halfway in and then he was out. Now I know "no means no" and he can back out whenever he wants to, but three years of this wreaked havoc on me.

And of course no one wears a sign around their neck declaring if they are a virgin, but you better believe that I find out if a man is a virgin before I sleep with him! Not because there is a right or wrong answer, but because in this day and age of AIDS and STDs (one in six adult Americans has chlamydia), I want to know what my risk factor is. Condoms break, and I want to know how much to panic when in happens. Besides, I would not sleep with any guy I didn't know well enough to have some idea of his sexual history - just like I better know what he does for a living, how many brothers and sisters he has, etc. That's intimacy. I don't do back-alley bar pickup sex.

It would never occur to me to think that someone is weird or a religious freak for waiting, nor did I say anything remotely close to that. I know people a lot older than you who have never had sex, and I don't think any less of them for it. Some have religious reasons, some don't. I will admit that I am judgmental towards people who will not even kiss before marriage - I think that's weird, but it's also none of my business.

The only person I judged in my post was my ex boyfriend, because in his case I think he used sex (or lack thereof) as a means of control.

And, hell, I don't even like horses. I never even wanted a pony as a kid.

[cash78mere]

fuzzie-

well said! that's why i said i wasn't attacking 'you'...just your stance. (if that makes sense!)

thank you for clearing up what you mean.

i get a lot of crap from people. most of it is an unsolicited opinion which is usually not wanted or well received.

people definitely need to be upfront. afterall...that's what a relationship revolves around...honesty.

i wasn't saying you were calling me 'weird'...it was just a general statement about what some people think. not directed at you!

funny comment about the horses! i never liked them either!

[h2oot]

Amycat...You should work as a negotiator. You do a super job of seeing the positive from differing points of view and working them together.

No wonder you belong to a great sorority...

[FuzzieAlum]

thank you for clearing up what you mean.

I wrote my first post on my way out the door of work, which probably wasn't the greatest idea.

And I was probably too hard on the ex ... but he doesn't read this site.