Another Wedding Etiquette Question

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by ladypi
What do you think is the appropriate amount for a bridesmaid to give?????

After all that crap you had to buy, I think you should send the happy couple a lovely card. I'm serious. That is crazy, and but one of the many reasons why the whole concept of bridesmaids eludes me.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by valkyrie
After all that crap you had to buy, I think you should send the happy couple a lovely card. I'm serious. That is crazy, and but one of the many reasons why the whole concept of bridesmaids eludes me.

I understand the whole bridesmaid thing, but I think you are SO right with that idea! I just went through something similar with my best friend.... really expensive dress and such. I didn't have to buy a plane ticket, but I did have to drive from Austin to Houston three times in a month and to Dallas once....

Ladypi- being that you are a bridesmaid, this woman obviously thinks of you as a good friend.... She will most likely not expect you to spend much more money (at least, she shouldn't). For example, my best friend knew how tight my money situation was, and she would have yelled at me if I had spent any more money than I did for her gift.

[Kasis-anon]

The Bridesmaid expenses are totally outrageous. I've handled it by getting all the bridesmaids together and we purchased a mani/pedi and massage for the bride. Between all of us it was reasonable. I tried to do this at another wedding but there one bridesmaid who wanted to spend A LOT more---to each their own.

[kddani]

$300 for a dress is pretty crazy, $100 for shoes is RIDICULOUS. Plus the shower and hotel and car rental and all that... That's just too much to ask of someone, regardless of their financial situation.
Almost all bridesmaid dresses are long and you can't even see the shoes. Thank god the last wedding I was in the bride just told us to wear whatever was comfy and didn't look too bad.

If you're a bride and you want a particular thing like $300 dresses or $100 shoes, you should damn well fork over for it and not expect your bridesmaids to fork up.

Will you be paying for your own makeup/hair/manicure?

[JenMarie]

See the better thing the bride could have done is let you get those $300 dresses but let you choose your own shoes, accesories, etc.

But $300 is a lot! What are they? Embellished with gold?

[tunatartare]

One of my friends was a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding. The girl didn't like any bridesmaids dresses so instead she picked out her own fabric and designed the dresses herself and had someone sew the dresses for all of the bridesmaids. Because this was also an Orthodox Jewish wedding, the dresses all needed to have long sleeves and required more fabric. My friend ended up spending $400 on her bridesmaid dress which she hated.

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

In late April I was a bridesmaid - same situation. Shoes, dress, 7 hour drive there and back, a lingerie shower, a night out for the bachelorette party.... and I'm pretty strapped for cash, in general, anyway.

So about a month after the wedding she and her groom got an old-school Nintendo NES set ($65, with shipping) I got off eBay. They were thrilled.

[wrigley]

I agree the shoes are expensive. Aren't most bridesmaid dresses long enough that you don't notice the shoes?

There's no steadfast rule that you have to give the gift at the reception. Her mom is not going to pat you down for a gift in front of guests. All you have to say if she asks is that it's been taken care of. Eventually you will.

[AGDee]

There are gifts that can be meaningful from a bridesmaid that don't cost a whole lot. For example, one of my bridesmaids did a cross stitch thing with bride and groom names and the date. Another put a good pic she took of us in a double frame with the wedding invitation framed on one side. A scrapbook of the pre-wedding events (showers, bachelorette party, getting ready the morning of, etc) could be fun too.

[MysticCat]

Originally posted by honeychile
I have always been told that the concept of giving a wedding gift that equals the cost of one's dinner is a huge faux pas. However, in looking at Emily Post Institute online, she says otherwise:

"How much should I spend?
There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide."

Just in case you were worried about it!

As usual, I think "Emily" is right.

As with the earlier thread about giving cash as a gift, the idea of spending the cost of one's plate at the reception is a new one on me that I heard here at GC. Perhaps it's another location thing. In the South -- at least in the part of the South where I'm from -- dinner receptions are rare. (The only people I know of who have had them are from families that moved here from elsewhere.) The "normal" reception around here is more the hors d'oeuvre style (heavy hors d'oeuvres for a midday or evening wedding).

Frankly, the real etiquette real faux pas would be for the bride and groom to give any consideration to how much someone spent on a gift for them.

[KSigkid]

Originally posted by ladypi

What do you think is the appropriate amount for a bridesmaid to give?????

If you're spending that much for the wedding, then a card would be appropriate. When my wife and I got married, while we did as much as we could to alleviate costs (paying for items ourselves, finding best deals for things), we didn't really expect our bridesmaids or groomsmen to get us anything. The efforts they were making for the wedding were more than enough.

Additionally, we had people travelling in for the event, so we understood that the added cost of attending would keep some people from buying gifts. I think any bride and groom who assume otherwise really need a reality check.

MysticCat - I agree, the bride and groom should be happy that people came for the event and be satisfied with any gift they get.

[agdbirmingham]

When I got married (about 6 years ago) we had a huge range of gifts! The average was probably about $50-$100, but some people didn't give anything (not even a card), some got me gifts that I know they got on sale for like $5-$10, and then some gave way more cash than I would have ever thought. So just give what you feel comfortable with like a lot of people said.

If you don't feel like you can afford much I think I would suggest going to sentimental route like others suggested, like making something. Look at some crafty websites on the internet and see if they have any suggestions for weddings. ...We also got a nice pillow that someone had needlepointed (not sure if that's a word ). Or how about buying them some holiday decorations for their home. Or look at someplace like Things Remembered and get something monogrammed. A lot of my friends went in together and bought a bigger gift.

[ladypi]

Thanks ya'll so much for the support. As I thought I was being cheap thinking the 100 dollars for ugly dye-to match shoes were OUT OF CONTROL! None of the other bridesmaids said one word (not that I have met any of them anyways...since I am a high school friend) I will never never wear those shoes again. To make matters worse, (and trust me I know it's HER day and all that jazz) but she comes from an extremely wealthy family and my feelings were honestly kinda hurt that she didn't offer to help with the "being the only out of town bridesmaid" expenses. But if anything, I have learned alot from this situation. I will keep the girls in my wedding and their financial status in mind when picking out dresses and so forth. And within MY means, I will help out the girls who are from out of town or who I know will have problems with the expenses. I would rather have a cheaper cake or less random people I don't know...because afterall, a wedding is about having the people closest to you celebrate your love.

Thanks for all the input everyone... it's great ya'll are there for the unbiased opinions!

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by MysticCat81

Frankly, the real etiquette real faux pas would be for the bride and groom to give any consideration to how much someone spent on a gift for them.

I agree!

Both of the weddings I have been in in the last 6 months had dresses that cost $300. I thought it was expensive, but didn't think it was outrageous. One of the bride's mom was nice enough to volunteer to pay $50 of our dress. I thought that was very sweet of her.

They also both told us just to wear black strappy heels (which I think every woman has) so that was nice too.

My thoughts- I would pay as much as I need to to be IN a close friend's wedding.... But if after all that I can't afford to get her a gift, then I expect her to understand. Haha, but neither of my friends turned into "Bridezillas" so maybe I got lucky!

[Peaches-n-Cream]

You are lucky! My bridezilla screamed at me last night for not inviting enough of her friends to her shower. I have no idea how she knows so many details of the shower, but apparently there is a leak somewhere. She still hasn't called to apologize although she told another bridesmaid that she feels bad that she yelled at me. I was in tears, and it takes a lot to make me cry. I really feel like blowing off her shower and quitting as her bridesmaid.