My advice to "nice" guys . . .for dating girls

[Lindz928]

That makes sense yes.

I guess I just think that if you're going to go try to get over your fear of talking to women, you might as well just do it in the real world. Yeah, you're probably gonna get rejected sometimes. It happens to everyine. I say just grow some balls and walk up to that chick in the club. I personally think that it would be the better idea. Just keep plugging away at it, don't get discouraged, and eventually some girl will respond to you (whatever hypothetical guy we're talking about). Plus, then you can avoid completely that whole "creepy guy who goes to the strip club alone" thing.

Also, if a guy is nervous about talking to girls at the bar, maybe he should just start with some casual small talk in other places. Say something to the girl in line behind you at the grocery store. Mention how grazy gas prices are to the chick pumping gas next to you at the exxon station. Go to a store in the mall and ask the sales girl to help you pick out something for your sister/mother/good friend.

Maybe if the guy just tries having normal small talk with girls out in the real world, he will be less intimidated by them when he is out at the bar. I think you will find that almost every woman will be reasonably receptive to small talk in those situations. Because it is less invasive. The woman is most likely not going to take the statement "Wow, can you believe these gas prices?" to really mean "Can I please get in your pants now?" and she will be nice. She may not be interested in the guy, but she will probably be nice. And as long as the guy keeps it short and casual, and doesn't try to get a date out of it, then I think this would be a great venue to just practice talking to the opposite sex.

Ok, I hope that made sense, cause it is very rambling.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by KSig RC
Look, it's fine and wonderful that you fine young ladies don't fit this particular mold and wouldn't 'fall' for this type of guy - guess what? You're not exactly a representative sample, nor would any of you describe yourselves as anything resembling the 'average' girl. Besides that, it's well and good to say that you'd prefer the bumbling-yet-honestly-nervous cat to the ultra-smooth one . . . but the issue is even working some men into the position to become the bumbler, and not just "that guy across the bar or down the hall."

You know, I've been thinking about this "average girl" idea. This is really going off on a tangent, but I find it interesting.

What is the "average girl" -- is she someone who reads chick lit, watches Sex and the City, gossips over brunch with her girlfriends at a trendy restaurant, opting for salad instead of what she really wants so she can lose the extra five pounds she gained since college, who works and lives on her own but still hopes to find a man who wears suits and makes enough money to support her so she can stay at home with her babies and SUV stroller and afford a nanny to watch the kids while she goes out to get a manicure?

I'm sort of being facetious, but here's my thought -- if that is the average girl, or if the average girl is someone like her, I don't think that a guy who needs to follow James' advice to be "smooth" or "polished" is going to be (1) happy with her; or (2) the kind of guy she wants, even if he follows the advice given in this thread.

Anyway, back to the original point of the post -- are there really guys out there who are so terrified of women? Thinking back, I've known one guy who might qualify -- he was the kind of guy I hung out with for a minute and he'd say stuff like "You're so wonderful" or "You're so beautiful" and follow it with "Why are you hanging out with me?" Yeah, at that point I was like, I don't know homes, see ya, um, never again, hopefully.

[AchtungBaby80]

Originally posted by valkyrie
What is the "average girl" -- is she someone who reads chick lit, watches Sex and the City, gossips over brunch with her girlfriends at a trendy restaurant, opting for salad instead of what she really wants so she can lose the extra five pounds she gained since college, who works and lives on her own but still hopes to find a man who wears suits and makes enough money to support her so she can stay at home with her babies and SUV stroller and afford a nanny to watch the kids while she goes out to get a manicure?

You know, you have a really good point. I have one particular friend who is this average girl. Bless her heart, I love her but she's just such a stereotype of herself that she's almost cheesy. Anything that women are "supposed" to like, she likes. And she thinks a guy isn't worth dating unless he's cute and got the potential to make a lot of money to support her. Do guys really go for this?

[KSig RC]

Originally posted by valkyrie
You know, I've been thinking about this "average girl" idea. This is really going off on a tangent, but I find it interesting.

What is the "average girl" -- is she someone who reads chick lit, watches Sex and the City, gossips over brunch with her girlfriends at a trendy restaurant, opting for salad instead of what she really wants so she can lose the extra five pounds she gained since college, who works and lives on her own but still hopes to find a man who wears suits and makes enough money to support her so she can stay at home with her babies and SUV stroller and afford a nanny to watch the kids while she goes out to get a manicure?

I'm sort of being facetious, but here's my thought -- if that is the average girl, or if the average girl is someone like her, I don't think that a guy who needs to follow James' advice to be "smooth" or "polished" is going to be (1) happy with her; or (2) the kind of guy she wants, even if he follows the advice given in this thread.

While I completely agree, it turns out this train of thought is actually irrelevant to the points James is making.

Also, honestly until there is a baseline comfort with dealing with women in social situations, there's no way for the guy to explore what he actually wants, which is a key component of dating just to date (I would argue it's the most important part).

Originally posted by valkyrie
Anyway, back to the original point of the post -- are there really guys out there who are so terrified of women? Thinking back, I've known one guy who might qualify -- he was the kind of guy I hung out with for a minute and he'd say stuff like "You're so wonderful" or "You're so beautiful" and follow it with "Why are you hanging out with me?" Yeah, at that point I was like, I don't know homes, see ya, um, never again, hopefully.

You're mixing your metaphor here - the classic 'friend-guy' or 'nice guy' is more likely to be 'functional' in male/female interactions, but his fear/paralysis kicks in when it's time to move beyond normal social interactions and into the territory he wants to move the relationship into (whether it be sexual, or simply dating). Simply put, he's out with girls, but he's not comfortable putting himself into positions to make the 'kill' - and this is actually surprisingly common among guys.

This may or may not be related to him being a spineless pansy ass, which is who you described in the second - they're not explicitly related, however.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by AchtungBaby80
And she thinks a guy isn't worth dating unless he's cute and got the potential to make a lot of money to support her. Do guys really go for this?

Ok, here are some more personal opinions. I'm not disagreeing with you at all, I think you make a good point. It just got me thinking on another tangent.

I do think that women who date guys just for their money-making potential are dumb. I kinda think they are just asking to end up in an unhappy marriage where their husband is banging their newest young sexy secretary, and she is banging the tennis pro at the local country club. So there is that opinion, love it or hate it.

Now as for dating guys who are cute. I also think any woman who says looks don't matter at all is just flat out lying. Looks are definately not everything... any guy I go for has to be intelligent and self-sufficient and be able to take care of himself. BUT, in a relationship with any man- I have to find him physically attractive. There is just no option there for me. I don't tend to go for the HOTTEST guys or the guys who are "eye candy", but I personally have to find them attractive and nice to look at. If there is no physical attraction there, then what kind of relationship is that? It's actually just a friendship.

So, while I don't consider myself one of those stereotypical women that you talked about, I also won't date a guy that I don't find cute and attractive. I hope that makes sense.

Ok, sorry for the hijack.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by Lindz928
So, while I don't consider myself one of those stereotypical women that you talked about, I also won't date a guy that I don't find cute and attractive. I hope that makes sense.

HELL YEAH that makes sense. I couldn't imagine being with a guy I didn't find, well, hot.

[James]

Part 4. Be conscientiously and methodically charming.

Ok now you are in a romantic relationship. Maybe you like her a lot, maybe you just like her enough to date her socially. Now its your mission to be as likeable and charming as possible.

Make sure that when you see her you sincerely compliment her appearance. Pay attention t changes in her hair and clothes.

Make sure you are flirty and funny, all the time. Plan events you know you both will like.

If you are in a bad mood and you are going to see her anyway, make sure you tell her up front whats wrong, that it has nothing to do with her and that you are glad that she is there because it makes you feel better.

Plan events every week that are actually dates. Just not hanging out. She's a girlfriend not a guy-pal.

Make sure there is plenty of foreplay. Don't always go for straight sex. Sex-play actually reinforces intimacy. Heavy petting in the morning before work is a great way to start the day. Try waking her up in the morning with oral sex (assuming she doesn't mind that stuff) it beats an alarm clock.

But the most important thing to remember is that you have to keep this behavior up all the time whether you have only been dating the girl for 6 days or 6 years.

A very few men do this intrinsically. In fact some of the men that are truly "players" fit this category, they have the knack of making women happy and keeping them happy. Most men are not like this.

How many times have we heard the lament of women saying how great their relationship was in the beginning months and then how the guy changed?

Thats not true, he just became who he truly was after his infatuation faded.

But our goal as guys is to have a maximum relationship. Which means you need act the way i have described even when you don't feel like it.

If acting like that doesn't come naturally to you except in the beginning of the relationship, and it doesn't for most men, make sure you start keeping track of these little romantic things.

You might even want to keep a journal that tracks how you are treating your SO. That way you can make sure you are daily paying her compliments. That you are taking her on interestig dates weekly. That you are engaging in daily sex-play.

Intimacy is not hard to keep, but virtually impossible to get back once its gone.

Basically you have to treat her like you are on your best behavior, like you are new to dating for as long as you are seeing her. Even if thats the rest of her life.

I see so many relationships where the man fails to do this stuff and romantic love soon fails leaving a strange bond based morely on comfort, security, and familiarity than any kind of grand passion.

In fact most relationships you will see are like that. Its like watching amovie where the male and female leads have no sexual tension even though they are supposed to be invovled.

[BobbyTheDon]

Plan events every week that are actually dates. Just not hanging out .

Man...this saves us money dude.

In fact most relationships you will see are like that. Its like watching amovie where the male and female leads have no sexual tension even though they are supposed to be invovled.

I don't know what you are talking about. Will and Grace seemed to hit it off real well dude.Wait, Ok.

You might even want to keep a journal that tracks how you are treating your SO. That way you can make sure you are daily paying her compliments. That you are taking her on interestig dates weekly. That you are engaging in daily sex-play.

Should I put down when I am going to ovalate as well?

Don't always go for straight sex.

You're telling me to do WHAT!

If you are in a bad mood and you are going to see her anyway, make sure you tell her up front whats wrong, that it has nothing to do with her and that you are glad that she is there because it makes you feel better.

Sweet I can go with that. "Hey beeeeyatch. I aint feelin it right now. Don't FUCK WITH ME. btw...I looooove you "

Intimacy is not hard to keep, but virtually impossible to get back once its gone.

Oh it's not hard. She pictures Orlando Bloom, I picture Jessica Simpson. done and done.

[BobbyTheDon]

Hey seriously though. Thats some good shit. But I'll make it quick for you.

Key to a womans heart. Be Funny.

Key to keeping a woman. Be good in the sack.

Bodda Bing Bodda Boom!


FA SHO

[James]

Part 4. Change your minsdset.

A lot of times so called nice" guys are just over socialized. They tend to be less agressive with girls because they were taught that girls were not sex objects. That in fact its insulting to think of them that way. That when a girl is paying alot of attention to you she probably just wants to be friends.

Some of that maybe true. But it can be confusing. Many guys get so caught up with that they might not notice if a girl likes him until he is hit over the head with it, because he has been taught not to think that way.

So the goal of the nice guy is to view all females as potential love interests. Then you start eliminating them if you are not attracted to them, or they just don't like you.

But the advantage is that you will always be flirty and charming which gives the greatest possible response from the greatest number of women.

The name of the game is to maximize both your chances of being charming and appealing to any one woman you are talking to, and also to be generically charming and appealing to women in general.

That should maximize your chances of both meeting the most amount of women and having the most amount respond to you.

So you want to take your new found confidence from strippers and flirting skills and be amusingly flirting with all the women you meet.

[cashmoney]

Even though I didnt make it past the 2nd paragraph of the 2nd post, I think James has some good advice for guys who need it. However, James has forgotten one important fact.


There is no such thing as a "nice" guy. Thats just a nice way of saying a guy is a loser.

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by valkyrie
What is the "average girl" -- is she someone who reads chick lit, watches Sex and the City, gossips over brunch with her girlfriends at a trendy restaurant, opting for salad instead of what she really wants so she can lose the extra five pounds she gained since college, who works and lives on her own but still hopes to find a man who wears suits and makes enough money to support her so she can stay at home with her babies and SUV stroller and afford a nanny to watch the kids while she goes out to get a manicure?

Throw in a set of fake Ds and freak sex drive with what you just described.......and thats wife material.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by cashmoney
Throw in a set of fake Ds and freak sex drive with what you just described.......and thats wife material.

Anyone else wonder why cash isn't married?

Hehe, I'm just kidding you know you're my favorite.

[so damn cool]

James writes really long posts.