Poll on Rape

[AGDee]

I thought of the one that is probably the hardest.. that would be spousal rape. With spousal rape, the perpetrator is someone you once vowed to love and cherish, someone you thought you could trust with your life, and someone you probably will have to continue to deal with on some level. Besides that, it's the most hard to prove and many believe that it can't be rape if it's a spouse because consent is implied just because you're married.
In fact, it wasn't even defined as rape until fairly recently.

Dee

[Nikki_DZ]

Originally posted by AGDee
I thought of the one that is probably the hardest.. that would be spousal rape. With spousal rape, the perpetrator is someone you once vowed to love and cherish, someone you thought you could trust with your life, and someone you probably will have to continue to deal with on some level. Besides that, it's the most hard to prove and many believe that it can't be rape if it's a spouse because consent is implied just because you're married.
In fact, it wasn't even defined as rape until fairly recently.

Dee

Dee-
Excellent point. I recently attended a lecture by Raquel Kennedy Bergen, a prof at St. Joseph's who's considered to be one of the leaders in the study of "wife rape". She wrote the book "Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers". Even working in a domestic violence shelter, I had never really thought much about the horror that it would be to be attacked, most often repeatedly, by the person that society has told you that you're supposed to love and cherish. Sadly enough, in most states, spousal rape isn't considered to be "as big of a deal" as other forms of sexual assault. Dr. Bergen's lecture really opened my eyes to this problem, and I hope I can be a better social worker b/c of it.

http://www.sagepub.com/printerfriend...d=3374&ptype=B

[kappaloo]

The closer the relationship between the victim and rapist, the easier it is for friends/family/general public to deny.

In a class I once took we watched a documentary that talked about spousal rape and this one woman said that everyone (including the police) were convinced that it was all a misunderstanding and were very unhelpful. The woman claimed that she scream and pushed against her husband and she quoted him as saying somethings that if true would make it clear he understood it wasn't consentual. That was in the mid 90s.

For the original question, I agree with honeychile's summary of arguement, but with all else terrifyingly equal, date rape would be worse due to the fact that you know a lot of people just plain won't believe that you were raped regardless of trial and decision.

[Lady Pi Phi]

Many have you have said some very interesting things.
I don't know if I could say one would be harder to deal with than the other. I've known far to many women who have been raped (sexually assulted...it's not called rape in Canada) and I can see how hard it is for them. Even years after the incident they still struggle with it every day.

James, I think it's horrible that you feel that some of the women need to rethink their views on rape. I agree with AGDee, I don't think you truely understand that trauma that comes along with rape. But I also don't expect you to. Men approach sexual assult from very different angles as I have observed.

A male friend of mine told me a story about how he got too drunk at a party and passed out. When he woke up a female was on top of him performing oral sex on him. He told me her pused her off and then went back to the party. When he told me this story the first thing that came to mind was how he had just been sexually assulted. I told him this and he just laughed it off, as if it's something that happens and it's no big deal. If that were me I would have called the police. Men approach it differently. Somethime I think men feel they cannot be raped/sexually assulted. Men are less likely to report a rape because of feelings like this. But it's not acceptable at anytime by anyone.

Instead of telling us to rethink our argument about date rape, maybe it's you who should rethink yours.

[MTSUGURL]

James, I don't think that you're qualified to make a judgement as to which is worse, harder, etc. Without going into a whole lot of detail, a lot feels the same physically, and there is still the sense of being invaded in both cases. Just because there is not a knife to your throat or a gun to your head doesn't mean that there isn't fear that your life is in danger. My exboyfriend had his arm pressed down on my throat - I was terrified that I was going to be strangled to death. By someone I trusted. I understand what you're saying, but honestly, if you've never experienced it, there's just no way that you can know.

[AlethiaSi]

I know that this is from a long time ago, however, I was raped this weekend by someone that I worked with. I've never had an experience in terms of someone i didn't know, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I'm ok, then i'm not, i cry or start throwing up for no reason, the nightmares are.... unimaginable... and yet i can't bring myself to report the f*cker who did this to me.
This is why i'm coming to the conclusion that acquaintance rape is harder, but for different reasons... i'm not ready to get into all of the intricacies yet.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

I know that this is from a long time ago, however, I was raped this weekend by someone that I worked with. I've never had an experience in terms of someone i didn't know, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I'm ok, then i'm not, i cry or start throwing up for no reason, the nightmares are.... unimaginable... and yet i can't bring myself to report the f*cker who did this to me.
This is why i'm coming to the conclusion that acquaintance rape is harder, but for different reasons... i'm not ready to get into all of the intricacies yet.

Alethia, i am so sorry to hear that this has happened to yet another innocent person. i cant imagine how hard it is to have it happen to you by a person you know. i think that would shake me more than anything, that uncertainty that it could happen again. it happened to my best friend in college, and although that was 6 years ago, she is still not over it and has intimacy issues with her current fiance.

i hope you can develop the strength to relive it long enough to report him. if not, it may happen to someone else. i will pray for you, stay strong.

[jon1856]

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

I know that this is from a long time ago, however, I was raped this weekend by someone that I worked with. I've never had an experience in terms of someone i didn't know, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I'm ok, then I'm not, i cry or start throwing up for no reason, the nightmares are.... unimaginable... and yet i can't bring myself to report the f*cker who did this to me.
This is why i'm coming to the conclusion that acquaintance rape is harder, but for different reasons... i'm not ready to get into all of the intricacies yet.

AlethiaSi;
This is not my field nor did I spend anytime recently at a Holiday Inn.
However, it is my Mother's field.
While I just saw this and have not asked her about it; I have a good idea what she would say.
While being here and talking about it may seem to be of help, it is just a way of avoiding what you need to do. See and talk to someone in Crisis Center or Rape Clinic.
And press charges.
Judging only from what you have posted, I fear that any and all evidence is now lost.
But you should still do something for yourself.
And any others that he may have done this to in the past or in the future.

[Scandia]

I think both are equally bad. Rape is always devastating.

I can see how stranger rape could be riskier- you do not know the person and do not know what diseases he may have and drugs he may use.

Weapons and sedation could be used in both cases.

[mulattogyrl]

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

I know that this is from a long time ago, however, I was raped this weekend by someone that I worked with. I've never had an experience in terms of someone i didn't know, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I'm ok, then i'm not, i cry or start throwing up for no reason, the nightmares are.... unimaginable... and yet i can't bring myself to report the f*cker who did this to me.
This is why i'm coming to the conclusion that acquaintance rape is harder, but for different reasons... i'm not ready to get into all of the intricacies yet.

I'm so sorry you went through this. . If you need somewhere to turn, I would be willing to look up places/people in your area. I'm a social worker so I refer people all the time. Just PM me if you like.

[Drolefille]

Many hugs and thoughts and prayers. It's ok not to be ok about it. And as others have said, definately talk to someone about it, even if you can't bring yourself to report him in the end.
1-800-656-HOPE is a free, confidential 24 hour sexual assault hotline.

[jon1856]

Originally Posted by mulattogyrl

I'm so sorry you went through this. . If you need somewhere to turn, I would be willing to look up places/people in your area. I'm a social worker so I refer people all the time. Just PM me if you like.

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Many hugs and thoughts and prayers. It's ok not to be ok about it. And as others have said, definately talk to someone about it, even if you can't bring yourself to report him in the end.
1-800-656-HOPE is a free, confidential 24 hour sexual assault hotline.

Thank you both for stepping up.

[mystikchick]

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

I know that this is from a long time ago, however, I was raped this weekend by someone that I worked with. I've never had an experience in terms of someone i didn't know, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I'm ok, then i'm not, i cry or start throwing up for no reason, the nightmares are.... unimaginable... and yet i can't bring myself to report the f*cker who did this to me.
This is why i'm coming to the conclusion that acquaintance rape is harder, but for different reasons... i'm not ready to get into all of the intricacies yet.

I will echo what others have said about speaking up about it, even if you never wind up reporting him. Drolefille listed a toll-free number, but you may also want to look into Take Back the Night events in your community (either on a college campus nearby or a wider community event) as a space to share your story and get it out there, or just to be around people who know what you've been through. It definitely helped a friend of mine who went through relationship rape. If you haven't already, please also get a medical exam done.

I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope that you get the courage to report him and press charges. I'm not qualified as a counselor or anything, but if you ever want a friendly ear, don't hesitate. You're in my prayers.

[AKA_Monet]

Altheia,

For your sake I hope you see a healthcare professional... You need to see somebody...

There is a clinical "kit"...

And the first issue about rape, it is about POWER and NEVER about sex!

From one person to another... Silence = death... Believe me, this is NOT a price you want to pay... I know...

[jon1856]

Just as a follow-up to all the postings here, while I am sure there are people and placed in your area, here are some sites I found in a rather general search:
http://www.safecampusesnow.org/safety_rape.htm
http://www.rainn.org/counseling-centers/index.html
http://hotpeachpages.net/usa/states.html

Best wishes and thoughts to you.
And all others.