Would you date your friend's ex?

[ScholarOn]

To come this far in my life and have to deal with drama of this sort is so useless, IMHO. I could never deal with, mess with, date or sleep with any of my friends ex's. There is just to much that comes with it. Not to mention that the circle of sisters/friends I hold close to me all have such different taste in men, even still I could never do.

However that doesn't mean that it has not been done to me. In both cases the friendship had to come to an end, mainly due to the gossip and slander that came with it. I've seen some women who can deal with it and move on but I have also witnessed things just fal apart completely with female friendships. One word of advice I would offer to anyone in this particular situation would be. if you are not cool with the situation, voice it as soon as you become made aware of it. Hiding what you feel toward your friend and ex will only add issues.

[Marie]

Originally Posted by mrguydude

Well, I am actually dealing with this very situation. It sucks big time, and I have never felt this torn in my life. On one hand I love this girl and I mean the real deal. On the other hand I love my friend dearly. I know I can't put my friend through this. Also, if I don't go through with this I will be left thinking "what if". Either choice I make will destroy a heart and make a heart. I know I would be betraying a friend. I also know that I may very well betray my own heart. This is not a situation I chose to be in because we all know that love just kinda happens. It's easy to talk about this from an outside perspective in black and white/right and wrong terms. But, when you are sitting up late at night feeling equally happy and guilty those lines begin to blur. What is right for my friend may hurt me. What is right for me may hurt my friend. Somebody has a cross to bear, does it really matter either way? Of course I have sought advice from other friends and family. Again, it's all equally split. There is no simple answer and I can't claim to have found my own. Either path I take will have a heavy toll on me and someone else. I have a heart in each hand and have to decide which one to crush. His or hers. Either way I walk away from this as both a hero and villain. What would you do?

I say talk to your friend about it. That's really your only option. Keep in mind that guys seem to feel differently about this type of situation than girls. While this is an absolute NO to all girls that I know, most guys seem to be indifferent if not cool w/it when the question is posed to them.

[lovelyivy84]

I don't think I could have a relationship with someone who had a relationship with friend/family/Soror. Too many fish in the sea for that!

But I also would have to add that it depends on the circumstances, and the friend. I have some exes that I would GLADLY pass around to friends because they're wonderful people and I would like them to be happy. I would have no issue with it.

So go figure!

[DSTRen13]

Originally Posted by c&c1913

Hello all,

I was reading last week's issue of "Jet". The relationship topic was "Is it okay to date your friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?"
Jet usually has four or five experts in the field and they usually have a variety of opinions. This time they seemed to agree that is not a good idea, no matter how bad or peaceful the break-up was.
I agree with this. I think, scratch that, I know that it causes major problems. I'm sure most people will agree, but there are those who differ. Has anyone ever experienced this? If not, what is your opinion? What would you do in a situation like this?

I've seen this kind of thing happen with my friends twice in the last year ... serious drama. Both of the resulting couples turned out well, but the mess that they left in their wake - In both cases it was women who began dating men that a friend had broken up with, and both women lost a lot of friends and caused a lot of conflict amongst friends over their decisions. I suppose if a friend's ex is really THAT important to you that you're willing to do that, it's your call, but the man better really be something special.

[mrguydude]

First of all, I deeply appreciate all the sound and non-judgemental advice you all have given. So I decided to take the right path as mentioned by some of you. I decided to come clean to my friend and to not put our close friendship at risk. I also decided to tell her what I was about to do. This had a duel purpose. First, she had a right to know plain and simple. Second, I knew it would reveal her intentions towards me ie. Was I a rebound? As soon as I told her what my course of action was going to be, she got very angry. As I spoke with her, she mentioned how much she wanted to get away from my friend (their relationship ended with abuse by the way). But when I stood my ground and told her that I would not build a relationship on the pain of a friend she began to say that she was still in love with him. Ultimately she has decided to go back to him. I know that in the end I did the right thing, but there is some sick irony here; none of us have moved forward. She will go back to him and probably be abused more and he will get away with it again. Everybody has returned to square one. Am I bitter? Yes a little bit because i feel used. I also know that I did the right thing for me and becuase of that, I can now go about my life without this burden. Funny how life tends to unfold in the most deranged way possible isn't it? Word of advice for anybody in this kind of situation; make sure you are aware of everybody in the trianges' intentions, act from your head and not you're heart and it just might work for you.

[StarFish106]

^^^wow!

I am glad that you now have the closure that you needed to move on with your life. It is a shame that she was willing to go back into an abusive relationship but that was her choice. But having this happen the way it did you probably got insight on some things you might never have known. Things unfold in the universe the way they do for a reason. I wish you happiness in your quest to find your special someone. She is out there, just keep the faith.

[lovelyivy84]

Boy did you dodge a bullet with this one!

Not to mock anyone's pain, but this is just a bad situation on many, many levels.

Also- not to judge you- but how do you maintain a friendly relationship with someone you know abuses women? Maye it's he said/she said and you believe him, but the tone of your post sounded like you believed her account of the abuse.

You don't realy have the right to interfere with their relationship, I guess, but how are you friends with the abuser?

[SKEEphistAKAte]

Never.

[PEARLS4ME]

Nope. I do not understand women who date their friend's ex-boyfriend. I wonder how they define "friendship".

[KAY10]

No.

[DELTABRAT]

Never in a million years!