Will you put your parents in a nursing home?

[Betarulz!]

You betcha! Actually, I probably have a good long time to ponder it at least when it comes to my dad. My paternal Grandmother is turning 85 this year, and still works 30 hours a week, doing the books and running the lunch time register at the same restaurant she's been at for 35 years. Honestly, it's kept her young, b/c she is such people person - very heavily E for those of you who know Myers-Briggs personalities.

I doubt my dad will be going that long out on his own, but I imagine him being stubborn about going to a home. Kansas City has some great semi-assisted living centers, with plenty of activities and a wide spectrum of care options from nothing at all, to complete nursing care. I severely doubt that my parents will move when they retire.

[chicagoagd]

My grandmother has dementia and pretty much has regressed to a child. Every day my mother had to wash her clothes, sheets, bedspread, chair cushion, sometimes scrub the bathroom down because my grandma was unable to control her bodily functions. She couldn't hire a healthcare worker to help her because my grandmother's health care coverage went to an elderly day care. After much heartwrenching debate, my mother decided that it was too much for her to handle. She moved my grandma into an assisted living place on Monday that is equipped to deal with the daily care for her, and I have to say that it's taken a huge burden and stress off of my mom.

While it's wonderful that most people don't want to put their parents into a nursing home, if there is a high level of care, it's been documented that many feel resentment toward those they have to take care of. My mom wants to spend quality time with my grandma (because you can tell she's beginning to fade), but she was simply too exhausted when she had to provide the daily care for her.

[Hootie]

If I can afford it, I will try to take care of my parents. My grandmother has lived alone since my grandfather passed away over 25 years ago - and she had a stroke. If she were in assisted living she might be fairing better than she is. However she doesn't have a lot of money, so the assisted living thing wasn't a feesable option.

My other set of grandparents live in a community village, but in their own home. At least they have each other in case something happens.

Both sets of grandparents are over 80! To me it's AMAZING that they're still living on their own.

[MeLikey]

Right now I'm saying I would not... but this is right now, who knows what circumstances will come up in the next 40 years. My grandmother is in a nursing home, and I really wish that she could just move in with us. My mom feels the same way, but it's my dad's mother and he always brings up the valid point that we're not always around and someone needs to be there all the time in case something happens. My grandmother is a lot better off than most of the people in there. We visit her every other weekend-- it's an hour drive. So since I don't like seeing her in there, my sister and I are always saying, one of us will take my mom and the other will take our dad in.

[cash78mere]

i think it's very idealistic to say you would never put your parents in a home.

of course no one wants to do it, but it's hard to imagine the money, time, stress and fatigue that come along with taking care of some older people, especially those who can do nothing for themselves.

my father can rot in hell for all i care, but i would hope i could take care of my mother. and if my family can't, we will do whatever is the best option at the time.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by chicagoagd
While it's wonderful that most people don't want to put their parents into a nursing home, if there is a high level of care, it's been documented that many feel resentment toward those they have to take care of. My mom wants to spend quality time with my grandma (because you can tell she's beginning to fade), but she was simply too exhausted when she had to provide the daily care for her.

As harsh as it sounds, this is true.

When parents and grandparents are past the point of being able to take care of themselves in a meaningful manner there may be no other choice.

Mrs. DeltAlum's father had a stroke not long ago, and now has severe complications and the discovery of cancer. He has to have 24 hour a day care. There is assisted living where he lives, but the family has decided to take care of him (with the help of a hospice) as much as possible. Fortunately, one of her sisters does not have a job, but between her and their mom, both are absolutely drained emotionally and worn out phisically.

If this situation lasts a long time (it is unlikely), it will take a terrible toll on the rest of the family. In some ways, it already has.

You must ballance the good that being home does for the older person against the stress it places on the rest.

[aggieAXO]

Originally posted by cash78mere

my father can rot in hell for all i care, but i would hope i could take care of my mother. and if my family can't, we will do whatever is the best option at the time.

this is exactly how I feel as well

[PM_Mama00]

My grandma has been in the hospital for about 3 weeks now and my mother has been there everday from 9 in the morning till 9 at night. She doesn't have time to cook, and since I don't get home till like 7ish everyday I don't either. Um I don't know how to cool either. A few years ago she lived with us for a month, and my aunt for a month. So stressful on everyone whether we were taking care of her or not. The stressful part? She never learned English. Well that was stressful for me at least.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by chicagoagd


While it's wonderful that most people don't want to put their parents into a nursing home, if there is a high level of care, it's been documented that many feel resentment toward those they have to take care of. My mom wants to spend quality time with my grandma (because you can tell she's beginning to fade), but she was simply too exhausted when she had to provide the daily care for her.

As someone who makes her living in geriatric counseling, I know this to be the truth! Senile dementia or Alzheimers are so exhausting to the caregivers, I can understand how so many murder/suicides happen in this scenario. Just changing a parent's diaper is not the easiest thing to do - imagine doing that 10-15 times a day. And for those of you who haven't had the joy of the adult diaper, it's much, much different than changing a baby.

I would do my best to keep my mama home as long as humanly possible, especially since, genetically, she has a great chance of being sharp until the end. But I'd have no remorse in getting in-home care on a regular basis. We've had too good a relationship to end up with bitter memories of each other.

[Rio_Kohitsuji]

I've already told my parent's I'm sending them to a home

Seriously though, my sisters and I are pretty tight w/our parents, with 5 girls they'll get enough help when they need it Anyway, it's really whatever my parents feel what's right for them.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
Mrs. DeltAlum's father had a stroke not long ago, and now has severe complications and the discovery of cancer.

They moved him to a Hospice yesterday and he appears comotose today. Just became too much to handle at home.

[ISUKappa]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
They moved him to a Hospice yesterday and he appears comotose today. Just became too much to handle at home.

I'm very sorry for you and Mrs. DeltAlum. It's never easy to watch a parent (or grandparent in my case) fade.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
They moved him to a Hospice yesterday and he appears comotose today. Just became too much to handle at home.

I'm terribly sorry to hear this. My prayers are with you & your family.

[justamom]

Delta Alum, I'm so sorry to hear this. All my prayers to you and your family.


I watched my mother take care of her mother-in-law, my father,
my grandmother, grandfather and aunt. Plus, my sister moved in with her two children after her divorce. She spent the better part of her life caring for people. She has no friends and sits at home all day... I feel so guilty that I have a busy life and can't just sit with her the way she did with others. MONTHS ago she injured her foot and unless someone drives her, she can't/won't go out.
I know she's depressed, but she refuses to go to a doctor.

No one in my family has been sent to a "home". I doubt I could send Mom. In-home care is probably the way I would go if the day comes. If dementia sets in, or she became bedridden, I don't know what I would do. Guess this is one of those "Cross that bridge when we get to it" situations.

The problem I see is that families are so spread apart and broken.
In the "old days" the houses were bigger for utility purposes, family was near and the responsibility could be shared. (But then, I grew up in an agricultural community.) That started changing when I was a little girl.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally posted by chicagoagd
My grandmother has dementia and pretty much has regressed to a child. Every day my mother had to wash her clothes, sheets, bedspread, chair cushion, sometimes scrub the bathroom down because my grandma was unable to control her bodily functions. She couldn't hire a healthcare worker to help her because my grandmother's health care coverage went to an elderly day care. After much heartwrenching debate, my mother decided that it was too much for her to handle. She moved my grandma into an assisted living place on Monday that is equipped to deal with the daily care for her, and I have to say that it's taken a huge burden and stress off of my mom. .....

My big sis is a psych major so when she got the job of taking care of an elderly woman with dementia (or frontal lobal discrephia?) she thought it was a good thing. She slept at the house adn took care of Julia, and her stepmom took care of her during the day. It was the hardest job she's ever had. She absolutely loved Julia like it was her own grandma, but some of the things she did were really hard to deal with. When my big had to quit cuz of school, she was really sad to leave her but also it was a lot of responsibility taken off of her, besides the fact that she had been doin it in her early twenties.

But after I've seen teh stress that my big was put thru, I have the utmost respect for people that take care of elders.