You know you are in a black church when....

[AKA2D '91]

You know you're in a Black church when it is packed,(you can't get a seat anywhere...not even the folding chairs in the aisles..) on CME: CHRISTMAS, MOTHER'S DAY AND EASTER....

You know you're in a Black church when church starts at 11AM and ends at 3PM...

You know you're in a Black church when everyone is coughing to hide the rattling of the peppermint candy paper...

You know you're in a Black church when deacon Jones and deacon Smith get up to do the devotion and you can't understand a word they are saying...

[onesavvydiva]

OR...during devotional @ like 10:45, the JUBILEE choir always sings: Let us go back, let us go back, back to our father's praying ground...

Or...there are a WHOLE bunch of vacant seats BEFORE Benediction, because ERR'body leaves after Alter Call.

Or...the water fountain is ALWAYS broken.

Or...the balcony is always the LOUDEST place in the church, where the pre-teens, crying babies and chatter-boxes are located....And why is it always so HOT in the balcony?

Or...you swear that is the latest R & B jam the organist is playing and the choir is HYPE...not to mention they burst out into the Reggae remix.

Or...People holding up the line at the offering plate while the deacons look through the plate to give them change.

Or...When the preacher gets GOOD into the sermon, he says..."Oh, I wish I had 10 more minutes to preach this!" And everybody is like "Take your time, Pastor...preach it!!!"

Or...The preacher says something like, "There are more demons in the pulpit than there are on the corner"...then he adds, "But I ain't talking 'bout this church!"

Or...The song isn't finished until they break it down, meaning, the organ stops, and it's just the drums, and the sopranos go first, then altos...etc.

Or...it's loud as I don't know what during the announcements. SHUT UP>>>>THIS AIN'T INTERMISSION!

Or...people give DIRTY looks at the usher because he's trying to fit 3 more people into an already overflowing pew. You just HATE when he stands next to your pew and holds up 3 fingers to his fellow usher...and all the people on that row are looking around, like where in the world are they gonna sit.

Or...people hold up that infamous one finger on their way to the bathroom.

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Ya'll I love this thread, I LOVE my church! I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess I have said enough though...See ya later, I'll add more soon.

[darling1]

U know you are in a black church when the same folks start shouting at approximately the same time each Sunday or the 'shoutfest' last longer than the sermon itself. .

You know you're in a black church when the pastor says, "I know I can get a witness up in here."

You know you're in a black church when the congregation shouts "Preach Preacher!"

You know you're in a black church when at the end of the sermon the preacher says, "the doors of the church are now open."

You know you're in a black church when the preacher has a handkerchief in his hand and a glass of water in a wine glass on the podium.

You know you're in a black church when the secretary hands a note to the preacher and he says, "if you're driving a Lexus license plate LPO984, you left your lights on, and people driving a hoop-ride or those who walked to church leave out the like they are fooling someone.

You know you're in a black church when the choir dances in the choir stand, and even the old folks are raising the roof.

You know you're in a black church when the minister takes over a song after the sololist sits down.

You know you're in a black church when the choir starts to sing and the congregation shouts, "that's my jam right there."

You know you're in a black church when all of a sudden someone sings....I love the Lord, He heard my cry....ahhhhhh.

You know you're in a black church when the entire congregation leaves before benediction because they want to beat the traffic.

You know you're in a black church when you have 50 associate pastors and only 3 went to Divinity school.

[mwedzi]

Oh my goodness, talk about flashbacks.

[Monique]

Ypu know u in a black church whenn...

1. People get the holy ghost and the ushers take their time gettin to them.
2. The little old ladies try to chestize everyone..shoo be quite.
3. The deacon sings a song then everyone has to sing after him..
4. The choir sings a song and the lead person starts to add their own verses in the song.
5. They have one air condintion.
6. They put 5 dollas in the offering and ask for 4 dollas back lol.lol
7. The preacher tries to *force* everyone to come to the alter and get saved.
8. When preachers think that church is an alllllll dayyyy eventtt especially on 1st sundays.
9. lol.Preachers try to make u feel gulity cause no ones saying amen.ex*if yall was at the football game yall wouldn't be able to close ya mouth.
10. My absoulate favorite...When the preacher chestizes u in the pulpit in front of the wholeeeeeee church.visiters and all
..oh yeah.. when they think smiling or laughin in church is a sin..lol
.. these are things only we could do..lol

[Sexy Mocha]

Now y'all know I have to get in on this one! By the way, Monique #7 is the funniest thing I've read yet! LOL!!

You know you're in a Black church when:

1) After every few minutes or so during the sermon, someone yells out "WEEEEELLLLLL"

2) the organist tries to "cut off" the person that always testifies too long by starting up a tune (just how they do on the award shows when the winner's speech goes over the allowed time)

3) there's always that one woman that testifies a little...breaks into a song...testifies some more...breaks into another song..."Giving honor to God, the passah...ya know Church...the Lord has been so good to me, and I thank Him"...(starts singing)WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERRRRRVVVE...WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE..." (testimony resumes)...this scenario is repeated until..see #2

4) there are at least 10 different offerings in the course of one day

5) people rhyme during their testimony (My church is Mt.Zion FBH church...the FBH stands for Fire Baptized Holiness. On any given Sunday, someone says "Passah, as sure as I walked through that Do... I want you and the church to know that I'm Saved...Sanctified...Holy Ghost filled...and Fi Baptized"

Only us Black folk can have church like this!

[exquizit]

I had to add this one......
You know you're in a black church when near the end of service the pastor has to say...."I know errrrbody's hongry, but nobody leave until the benidiction."

[Lynn Luckett]

You know you're in a black church when you look at your watch and it's 11:30 A.M., and service still hasn't started. You know you're in a black church and you look at your watch and it's 3:30 P.M. and service is not over.

Ha Ha Ha!


Conskeeted Skee Wee

[Classy_Diva5]

You know that you are at a Black chuch (yes chuch) when:

1) the name of the chuch is
Greater St. Paul Institutional Missionary on the Road to Calvary Higher Faith Church of God in Christ

2) when the elders and the deacons/ mothers board ask your permission to whip your chile/ chillens because you cannot step down from the choir stand to do it

3) the little kids start laughin and imitatin the people who get hit with the Holy Ghost

4) they call it "Getting Happy" when you receive the Holy Ghost

5) you have to pay the "Donation" fee of $5.00 to eat the after-service dinner; but if you don't pay the "Donation" then you don't eat

6) they couldn't afford to buy sodas to go with the dinners so they bought that huge cooler with the spigot, concentrated punch mix, and it was on from there!!

7) if you got lucky, the punch had SPRITE or 7-UP mixed in with it (mmmm-mmmm GOOD!!!!)

you know that you attended a Black chuch when

8) the family members that didn't attend chuch ask you who "Got Happy"

these are just a few of the goins-on here at my chuch in California....

Classy_Diva5

[ridiculous2000]

You know you are in a black church when the
1. Deacons always sing "A charge to keep..." We all know that they hum the whole song.
2. Choir members take their children in the choir with them.
3. Your moma or grandmama leave out the choir to pinch you for playing in church.
4. Everybody knows who food to eat and not to eat.

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by ridiculous2000:

4. Everybody knows who food to eat and not to eat.

LOL AT ridiculous2000!! Like DL Hugley said in his HBO special "Who made the potato salad? did Big Momma make the potato salad? If Big Momma didn't make it I ain't eatin' it!!"

LOL

[Eclipse]

A friend just sent these to me and I thought about this post...I've tried to take out the redundant ones..

You Know You're In a Black Church When...(NEW FUNNIES!!)]


3. The congregation is preaching along with the preacher!!
> >
4. When the special prayer request time is used to spread gossip!!
("I'm just mentioning it because I want y'all ta pray...")
> >
5. Mothers will be shouting the place down in the Spirit and stop abruptly to beat their child!!
> >
6. When folks wil fall asleep snore and blame it on the baby on
their lap, the child sitting next to them or an evil spirit!!
> >

10. You pass the offering plate without putting anything in it and
the usher passes it right back to you and waits for you to put something in it!!
> >
11. You testify for more than 5 minutes, the musicians will start playing shouting music to shut you up!!
> >
12. During the communion folks be grabbing extra crackers for the
kids and sipping the grape juice before time!!
> >
13. You have to shout with your pocketbook in your hand!!
> >
14. The evangelists shake under the Power and have to readjust their wigs!!
> >
15. The mothers forget their teeth and say "Let everything that
haves breasts praise the Lord!!
> >
16. The deacons sing during devotional service and you can't understand A WORD!!
> >
17. The leader forgets the lead of their song and starts shouting so they won't be embarrassed!!
> >
18. You run around the church in the Spirit, trip and fall and pretend you fell out under the Power so you won't be embarrassed!!
> >
19. There are 30 people in Sunday School and the offering was only $3.25!!
> >
20. The preacher has a cape!!
> >
21. The bishop comes to town and the necklines drop and the hemlines rise
> > (HMMmmmm)!!
> >
23. You see a publicly displayed bulletin board listing the members
of the church and the amount of their tithes and offerings!!
> >
24. A prophet is identified as the "bow legged prophet" or the "barefoot prophet" or the "singing prophet"!!
> >

26. The choir is singing a song that has "whatsonever" in it!!
> >
27. The only way you get folks to come back in the afternoon is with those six magic words: REFRESHMENTS WILL BE SERVED AFTER
SERVICE!!
> >
28. The choir sings hard before the preacher preaches and then when
it's time to sing after the preaching, there are two choir members
in the stand!!
> >

> > 32. A person dies and the family members try to climb into the
casket during the last viewing!!
> >

> > 36. Sis. Palmer gets up to lead a song and she cracks and is off key and someone in the audience shouts "Take ya time,baby...sing for the Lord!!"
> >
37. The preacher gets his whoop on and spit is flying e'rewhere!!
> >
39. Sis. Johnson gets up to make an announcement about a program
and she keeps on saying "Bear with me saints, I'm nervous!" and you're in the congregation saying "I wish she would go 'head and make the announcement and sit down!!" And the Pastor is looking around
all flustered wishing she would just wrap it up!!
> >
42. The ushers lock the front door during offering!!
> >
> > 43. The members try the ushers patience by trying to open the front
door during prayer and the usher looks back through the door window with a look like "Touch this door again and you will die"!!
> >
> > 44. You bust the back out of a tambourine you borrowed without
> > permission and try to slip it under somebody else's seat!!
> >
> >

[onesavvydiva]

Ya'll, I had to bring this back up, I thought about this topic today.

I went to a church today, and I swear while the preacher was praying, the organist was playing 'Just Friends' by Musiq in the background. You know when the song first comes on and he's snapping his fingers and everything. I looked up and several people were jammin' like..."yeah, that's my song!" I thought that was sooooo funny b/c I couldn't even concentrate on the prayer anymore, I was trying so hard to keep from hummin along with the song!

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'Cause I'm a woman,
Phenomenally
Phenomenal Woman
That's me

Maya Angelou

[MeezDiscreet]

Originally posted by Eclipse:
43. The members try the ushers patience by trying to open the front
door during prayer and the usher looks back through the door window with a look like "Touch this door again and you will die"!!

i was an usher for several years and i know all about that!!! you'll never believe me, but i got cussed out because i wouldn't let these women in during devotion. the evil in her said "she act like she can't open the d*mn door!" I AM SERIOUS!!



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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind