"Student Athletes" -- a contridiction of terms?

[DeltAlum]

We just debated whether Nebraska (et al) should pay it's football players. Given the in full swing "March Madness" and the number of "scandals" that seem to be coming down all at once, I thought this was an interesting outlook:

College 'Student-Athletes' Don't Need to Be Lectured

By NORMAN CHAD
AOL Exclusive

In the madness that is March, the shattered minds of sports fans are mired in their usual insanity in regard to America's treasured "student-athletes."

At Villanova, the issue is unauthorized phone calls.

At Georgia, the issue is a teensy-weensy bit of academic fraud.

At Fresno State, the issue is a whole lot of academic fraud.

At St. Bonaventure, the issue is one piece of academic fraud in the guise of a welding certificate.

Ah, but before we look at each of these cases, we must remember that, in big-time college athletics, there are no student-athletes, just athletes who pretend to be students.

Repeat:

There are no student-athletes in Division I basketball.

(The only exceptions to this, I believe, might've been Bill Bradley and Grant Hill.)

We love to perpetuate the notion that Joe Quarterback is dissecting frogs in biology class on Friday and dissecting defenses against Penn State on Saturday. When, in fact, "student-athletes" in the two revenue-producing sports, football and basketball, are simply brought onto campus to, well, produce revenue.

We need to accept that college football and basketball players have nothing to do with college other than wearing the school's colors with the intention of filling up stadiums and arenas. Heck, schools should follow this model in other areas of entertainment. Instead of a gymnasium, a university might open a comedy club, recruit Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy and Billy Crystal out of high school, call them "student-comedians" and charge a $15 cover to watch them perform at the Nittany Lion Improv on campus.

(Incidentally, you could do away with mandatory drug testing for comedians -- every comic I've ever met has been on drugs since, like, eighth grade. Why waste time and money finding out what we already know?)

Now, some people argue passionately that "student-athletes" ought to be paid, a point of view I somewhat understand. Others say that "student-athletes" already are compensated suitably with scholarships that provide their free education, a point of view I don't quite understand.

What education?

"Student-athletes" DON'T GO TO CLASS.

"Student-athletes" DON'T TAKE EXAMS.

"Student-athletes" DON'T WRITE TERM PAPERS.

In fact, at the institution of higher learning where I matriculated, "student-athletes" didn't even have to calculate 15 percent of a bar bill for tipping purposes, since they often got their drinks for free if they promised not to brawl.

(At the University of Maryland, my favorite local bar had Happy Hour all day. The 11AM to 3PM Happy Hour was for jocks, who then went straight to practice. The 3PM to 7PM Happy Hour was for the rest of us, who drank whatever beer was left over.)

OK, then, let's take a look at a various brouhahas percolating across the nation.

At Villanova, 12 players were suspended for allegedly obtaining an athletic department employee's secret telephone access number and using the code to run up long-distance telephone charges. The players will be suspended three to eight games, depending on the dollar value of the phone calls -- i.e., you call your aunt in Poughkeepsie, you miss a week; you call an escort service in the Philippines, you miss a month.

(What's so disappointing here is that "student-athletes," like most student-nonathletes, watch a lot of TV, and if you're watching a lot of TV you can't miss Carrot Top hawking 1-800-CALL-ATT or D.L. Hughley pushing 1-800-COLLECT. I mean, don't kids today absorb anything?)

At Georgia, assistant coach Jim Harrick Jr. has been fired. Former player Tony Cole accused Harrick Jr. -- son of head coach Jim Harrick -- of paying off hotel and phone bills, alleged Harrick Jr. did work for correspondence courses the player took before entering Georgia and claimed he received an 'A' for a physical education class taught by Harrick Jr. that he never attended.

(In Harrick Jr.'s defense, the class in question was listed in the course catalog as "Earning a High Grade Without Ever Attending Class 101.")

At Fresno State, university president John Welty declared this year's Bulldog team ineligible for any postseason tournament bid after allegations of bogus grades and term papers written for three players by a team statistician during the 1999-2000 season under then-coach Jerry Tarkanian.

(Welty has an interesting sense of justice. He was the one who hired Tarkanian -- the Jerry Springer of college coaches -- and, yet, he decides to punish this season's players and coaches, none of whom was involved in the alleged fraud.)

At St. Bonaventure, the team refused to play its final two regular-season games after the Atlantic 10 stripped the Bonnies of six conference victories and banned them from the league tournament for using an ineligible junior-college transfer who, rather than having an associate's degree, had only earned a certificate in welding.

(Little-known fact: President George W. Bush got into Yale based on a letter of recommendation from his father and a welding certificate.)

So, good people, is there a lesson to be learned from these woeful tales of student-athletedom?

Make your own phone calls, pay your own bills, take your own tests and don't dribble a basketball while holding a welding certificate.

(By the way, if you could earn a scholarship by being a "student-drinker," my whole family could've gotten a free ride to some JUCO!)