*****question*****

[Professor]

12dn94dst posted that one should only assist when help is requested. Typically, domestically violence involves a power struggle, low self esteem and other dynamics that must be considered. One should not wait for a sista to ask for help. We need to empower her to take control of the situation and help provide an outlet whether it be financial, housing, counseling, etc.

[12dn94dst]

Originally posted by 12dn94dst:
[B]I think the difference in the situations you all have described and what babyjsc describing is the female didn't ASK you for help. I know it's hard to let your friend suffer at the hands of someone who she thinks loves her, but sometimes you have to monitor from a distance, and definetly keep talking until she asks for help.

It's like that scene in What's Love Got to do With It. We all saw that Tina was getting her tail kicked and people around her saw it as well but it wasn't until she took a look in the mirror at what he had done to her, at what she looked like, and at what other people were seeing that she found the courage to leave. Unfortunately, sometimes this never happens and the woman dies. I think it's important that we all know what to look for and learn to recognize subtle cries for help.

B]

I wasn't clear. Learning to recognize subtle cries for help is not waiting until she asks. Letting her know, in your talks to her, that she does not deserve this type of behavior, letting her know that she has your full support is not waiting until she asks. All of these are small ways of offering your support & help. In our efforts to help, we must realize that every situation is different. The situations posted by Original Ape and Treblk ended negatively because the woman didn't want help and unfortuantly sometimes a woman's self esteem is SO LOW, she is in SO MUCH DENIAL, that she truly believes that she will not survive without that man. And nothing anyone can tell her will change her mind right away.

But Professor, do not get me wrong. I AGREE WITH YOU. How about suggestions to the the women who have loved ones in this situation? As a woman, it's for my own saftey that I back off a little, because if he's kicking her butt and he "loves" her, he darn sure won't have any reservations about smacking my nosey behind around. What are we to do?

[Dexter]

I really tried to refrain from commenting on this particular topic but I feel that I would be rather irresponsible if I didn't. This topic is one that I know very well and will probably stir emotion that I haven't felt in years. I've read MOST of the comments made and I have but one scenario to make. There was this girl that I was into when I was in college. She was gorgeous,(built like a triple crown winner, to explain for the bruhs) happened to be dating a brother from another fraternity. We had classes together and things were cool between us. She would always find someway to conversate with me. But I respected the other brothers territory, after all I don't drink hater-aid. Any way one night after leaving the weight room, I saw her posted up with dude all in her face. They were arguing about something. So I walked by to say "what's up?" you know to break the tension. As I got closer, I saw him cock his fist back and snuff her like she was some thug! I ran over and caught his next one in mid air. He was so hype that he tried to swing on me,(those of you who know me, know that I'm 265lbs of frog waiting to jump in somebody's ass!!). So after I slammed him down, I tried to keep him calm. The next thing I know is that I feel pepper spray hit me in the face. It burned like hell!! When the campus police arrived, this BITCH told them that I attacked him and her. So now him and all of his punk ass frat were suppposedly looking for me. Not to mention all of the women on campus were convinced that I was some knd of woman beater. Needless to say that when I saw him or his bruhs, they acted like they wanted to make a truce. But it will never be cool on a personal level. Some of my best friends and family belong to this certain frat, so I have to let it go but if I could go back in time........So I ask when should we get involved?

[The Original Ape]

Originally posted by Dexter:
I really tried to refrain from commenting on this particular topic but I feel that I would be rather irresponsible if I didn't. This topic is one that I know very well and will probably stir emotion that I haven't felt in years. I've read MOST of the comments made and I have but one scenario to make. There was this girl that I was into when I was in college. She was gorgeous,(built like a triple crown winner, to explain for the bruhs) happened to be dating a brother from another fraternity. We had classes together and things were cool between us. She would always find someway to conversate with me. But I respected the other brothers territory, after all I don't drink hater-aid. Any way one night after leaving the weight room, I saw her posted up with dude all in her face. They were arguing about something. So I walked by to say "what's up?" you know to break the tension. As I got closer, I saw him cock his fist back and snuff her like she was some thug! I ran over and caught his next one in mid air. He was so hype that he tried to swing on me,(those of you who know me, know that I'm 265lbs of frog waiting to jump in somebody's ass!!). So after I slammed him down, I tried to keep him calm. The next thing I know is that I feel pepper spray hit me in the face. It burned like hell!! When the campus police arrived, this BITCH told them that I attacked him and her. So now him and all of his punk ass frat were suppposedly looking for me. Not to mention all of the women on campus were convinced that I was some knd of woman beater. Needless to say that when I saw him or his bruhs, they acted like they wanted to make a truce. But it will never be cool on a personal level. Some of my best friends and family belong to this certain frat, so I have to let it go but if I could go back in time........So I ask when should we get involved?

What's up Dex!

I can't tell. I guess we never really know; I know I didn't have a clue that witch would flip on me like that! I had to do something though. But aint it fu&*ked up when they make it into AN ORGANIZATIONAL THING when it happens? I mean, can't the dude be man enough to keep it between(and Only between) the men involved?



[This message has been edited by The Original Ape (edited February 12, 2001).]

[AKA2D '91]

HEY, MR. DEXTER...

HOW IS THE WIFE DOING? I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN AGES...SHE ACTS LIKE SHE DON'T KNOW NOBODY!

TELL HER I SAID, WHASSUP!

[Rain Man]

I think the moral to the issue(s) is this:

No matter how well your intentions are, you cannot fight another person's battles if they are not interested in winning it. A 20-year-long conflict called the Vietnam War made that VERY clear to me.

OA & Dex, I feel yall on those fights to defend those "ladies", but all you can do at this point is pray for them, and pray out those spirits of abuse and masochism.

Just my $.25 cents

RM

[justmyo]

This is to any female who is involved in a domestic situation there is a poem they should read." I got Flowers Today".Type in the title in the search box and it will come up.Not only is the female hurt,the lives of Men are ruined too.A man who has to spend years in prison because he "accidentlly " killed his spouse has destroyed two lives.
Don't let this happen to you,remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible.Any female should only have to be hit once,after the first time the relationship should end.
A real man would "NEVER" hit a women.(period)
Men need to read this poem too.

[lil_sunshine]

Originally posted by The Original Ape

Langston Hughes said it best: "We wear the mask..."

I thought that this poem was by Paul Lawrence Dunbar. If I'm not mistaken, I remember hearing one of my classmates read this poem in a class I had awhile ago.