My daughter is devastated and I don't know what to do

[AZTheta]

Perhaps I am the only one who remembers the high hopes and piercing disappointments felt at age 17, 18, and 19. I have compassion for that young woman. Yes she had choices left and I cannot be hypocritical and condemn her for dropping out of recruitment because they were not her dream. We tell PNMs conflicting information when we criticize them for dropping and we also criticize them for taking a bid and either being a less than enthusiastic member, or being unhappy, when "someone else would have loved your spot."

Can't have it both ways. Surely I am not the only one who says "if I can't have that, I don't want anything. I'll live with the consequences." That's pretty much what happened here. Let her mature a little and see what happens in the next year. She needs to figure this out and her mother is there to help her. Like Anne Lamott wrote, sometimes the best thing we can say is "me too" to validate another human being in times like this.

And I reiterate my "disappointment" speech (the one where I talk about how important it is for life lessons to hit us at an early age when we are able to have support and become resilient). I'm glad that I didn't get elected cheerleader in 8th grade. It was the end of the world at the time. I was crushed. But I developed some strategies and when other disappointments came, I was able to bounce back quickly. It also helped that I didn't always come in first in a swim race. Sometimes I came in last.

[zbxo]

So hard to be a freshman these days. She didn't just want a chapter, she wanted to share yours. All you can do is support her in moving forward.

[LionTamer]

I'm with zbxo - this isn't a girl whose approach was " top tier or nothing" and then dropped out when she wasn't invited to the sorority she thought she "deserved'. So the smug replies from the " maximize or else" crowd seem a little misplaced here. This is mom's sorority, and mom's chapter. She's been hearing about THIS chapter for 18 years. So a little slack is warranted. Fortunately at big schools, there are such a big variety of things to dive into, once the hurt diminished a little. So sorry she had that happen.

[DGTess]

Sorry, yes, but ...

Mom accurately noted there is nothing she (Mom) can do.

Daughter made choices.

Life lesson. Hopefully not her first; likely not her last.

[heartbrokenmom]

Thank you all for your compassionate messages. I read them all and I appreciate all your thoughts. I didn't expect this post to get noticed and I feel I only created it out of a sense of deep pain when I needed a sounding board. Thank you for that.

Her aunt and I visited her the weekend right after to make sure she was doing okay and she seemed to perk right up while spending the weekend with us. She said it was good to have us around because her roommate and some other friends had had successful recruitments and we were a good distraction. We didn't try to push anything on her at all and left on a happy note. She has been joining clubs and trying to get to know people.

We have talked on the phone every day since she dropped recruitment and I think she is in a much better state of mind. She seems much happier and stable. Definitely not the same girl who broke down during recruitment. I think she is wiser for this experience. She admits that dropping during recruitment because she was cut from the legacy house was rash but she says she doesn't have regrets about it. I'm glad there are no regrets.

There is a colonization on her campus this semester and I have not pushed her in that direction, but one of her friends who didn't do formal recruitment wants to be part of the colony. So she has heard about it and after reflecting about it she decided that she wants to try for it. I told her no one is expecting her to do this so she shouldn't feel obligated to do it for anyone but herself, but I will not stop her and everyone will be happy only if she is happy. And I know this campus so I know that she doesn't have to be Greek to have fun and find her place and I drilled that into her head. But if she wants to do it then I want to support her. For now she has been nervous but stable about the process. I think if it doesn't work out, she will still be okay.

Sorry for any typos, I am typing from my phone.

[Sunny3]

heartbrokenmom,

I am not Greek, but you have my sympathy. I was in your shoes a year ago. It is so hard for us mommas to see our daughters hurting. I hate the way that my daughter's school (and I think most SEC schools) do recruitment. It is the week before school starts, and the girls are completely isolated.....they start to feel like the whole world revolves around Greek life. I am not going to patronize you with meaningless platitudes. It is a hard situation for both of you. Yes, she will get over it; but there will always probably be a little part of her heart that hurts. Through this semester and next, there will be times that she is completely happy and "over it"; only to be miserable the very next day when she sees her roommate go to a sorority event. You both WILL be o.k. though, I promise. It is just a very gradual process. I hope the colonization goes well for your daughter, and she finds happiness there if that is what she wants.

[heartbrokenmom]

Thank you Katmandu.

Thank you Sunny3 for your sympathy and understanding. It has been a roller coaster of feelings these past few weeks and we're all doing our best. I know my daughter still harbors some hurt from being cut from my chapter. I'm glad to say that her faith is helping her through it. We were praying together for her to find her true home on campus and discussing the best ways to make it happen, not just with the colonization process. My daughter is a very successful and beautiful young woman and this was her first big rejection. Because I'm her momma and want to protect her ("Anyone who hurts my daughter will have me to deal with!"), it was so painful to see her hurting, but my husband keeps reminding me that this will prepare her to handle rejection in the future. I know that too deep down.

[Katmandu]

How wonderful that you were able to visit! These girls are surrounded by recruitment and in their eyes, EVERYONE is greek and enjoying their new friends. We all know that is not true, but try to convince them! A new colony offers new and very challenging (and therefore very special) opportunities. Who knows...maybe this will be the answer. Maybe not, but whatever happens, she has a great mom to support her!

[heartbrokenmom]

Just wanted to update. Thank you for all the supportive replies and personal messages.

My daughter and her friend are new members of Gamma Phi Beta! I heard from my dear daughter that Gamma Phi did a wonderful job and she really connected with their philanthropy and the other girls she met in the process. She seems very happy to be a part of the charter class...which makes for a happy momma too!

[navane]

Originally Posted by heartbrokenmom

Just wanted to update. Thank you for all the supportive replies and personal messages.

My daughter and her friend are new members of Gamma Phi Beta! I heard from my dear daughter that Gamma Phi did a wonderful job and she really connected with their philanthropy and the other girls she met in the process. She seems very happy to be a part of the charter class...which makes for a happy momma too!

That's wonderful! We are happy to welcome her into our sisterhood of Gamma Phi Beta!

[LAblondeGPhi]

Originally Posted by heartbrokenmom

Just wanted to update. Thank you for all the supportive replies and personal messages.

My daughter and her friend are new members of Gamma Phi Beta! I heard from my dear daughter that Gamma Phi did a wonderful job and she really connected with their philanthropy and the other girls she met in the process. She seems very happy to be a part of the charter class...which makes for a happy momma too!

CONGRATS! I must have missed this thread when you originally posted, but when I started reading through it today, I kind of wondered if there'd be a Gamma Phi ending given the timing of recent posts.

I'm sending hugs to your daughter and all her charter class sisters. She has a lot of wonderful things and a lot of work ahead of her as a foundering sister, and I hope she enjoys every minute!

[pbear19]

Originally Posted by heartbrokenmom

Just wanted to update. Thank you for all the supportive replies and personal messages.

My daughter and her friend are new members of Gamma Phi Beta! I heard from my dear daughter that Gamma Phi did a wonderful job and she really connected with their philanthropy and the other girls she met in the process. She seems very happy to be a part of the charter class...which makes for a happy momma too!

Oh, congratulations! To you and to your daughter. I have heard nothing but amazing things about this charter group. Such impressive women during the interview process, it's a true credit to the strength of the university. Thrilled for your daughter and i hope she enjoys every minute.

[Momoftiger]

Originally Posted by heartbrokenmom

Just wanted to update. Thank you for all the supportive replies and personal messages.

My daughter and her friend are new members of Gamma Phi Beta! I heard from my dear daughter that Gamma Phi did a wonderful job and she really connected with their philanthropy and the other girls she met in the process. She seems very happy to be a part of the charter class...which makes for a happy momma too!

This is fantastic news. I am so happy for all of you 💜

[3DGator]

Congratulations. I am really happy for the both of you.

[Katmandu]

How wonderful!! My best high school friend is a Gamma Phi Beta and Gamma Phi was my other pref, a place that I loved and would have been proud to accept a bid from. (grammar, I know....) She will love it!