Being Sexually Harassed at Work! Please Help!!!

[paulam]

Originally Posted by baci

Absolutely the best advice!

Find a lawyer with expertise in this field and allow this professional to guide you in the proper direction. You don't have do to anything you do not want to do, but it will be money well spent. You should be able to focus with a clearer head after your consultation and not go down an incorrect path based on other advice found in various ways.

By doing a little searching, you may find an attorney who will not charge you for the initial visit while he or she decides if you have a viable case and you decide if you want to pursue a legal solution.

I would have the attorney write a representation letter, not to your boss, but to the company VP who is in charge of HR. The HR guy sounds like a jerk who intends to do nothing to resolve the situation. You will get an executive's attention if he believes there will be legal ramifications with media contact, bad publicity and a monetary penalty.

You are smart to document everything but print out those e-mails you sent home or you could lose them if your computer crashes.

Are there any other women in your office who have experienced something similar? Definitely talk with them...they will be an invaluable source of support.

Best of luck to you and please let us know what happens.

Paula M
Sigma Delta Tau
Patrae Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by paulam

Are there any other women in your office who have experienced something similar? Definitely talk with them...they will be an invaluable source of support.

Unless her lawyer advises her to do this, I think this might be a bad idea. Since we don't have all the info, we don't know how something that appears innocuous might affect her case.

I think she's past our advice at this point: she's in her lawyer's hands now. (But you're in our thoughts, GM! Well, at least, you're in mine. Good luck!)

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

Unless her lawyer advises her to do this, I think this might be a bad idea. Since we don't have all the info, we don't know how something that appears innocuous might affect her case.

Yeah, this is a pretty strong case of not letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing, or however that saying goes. No one should know what's going on until it happens--too many people gossip and it's just not cool.

[RaggedyAnn]

...and make sure you keep the documentation on your person or in your car. Don't leave it at work. And if you have a copy of what was sent, keep it. If it was sent by text, I think the phone company can help you get old texts, if I'm not mistaken.

When you are taking records, document as soon as possible as well, that way you have dates, times, locations and as close to the words as possible. Try to do it right away.

Also, if you don't want to go to a lawyer right away, go upline in the HR Department, or I hate to say this, call a woman in the HR Department.

[ComradesTrue]

As someone who has been through something very similar (harrassment and hostile work environment by my boss) I can't echo the other sentiments loud enough: DOCUMENT everything. Every single thing.

Every single time that he makes an inappropriate remark document the date, time, location, comment and if there were any witnesses. Save all email, text and handwritten notes. Keep them all in a file at home.

In theory these cases should be no-brainers for an HR department, however my experience was otherwise. (shortening a very long story here-the boss had strings pulled by a senior VP- quite illegal, but it happened). It was only because my co-workers and I had over three year's worth of offenses documented in excrutiating detail, and threatened media and legal involvement, that the boss finally was forced to resign. Just in case you run up against similar resistance (sounds like you have so far) you need to have all your ducks in a row.

I also want to reiterate- this is not your fault and it is not normal. If you need to talk to a professional once all this is over you should feel okay about doing so. These situations can mirror living with an abuser and because the offenders are in a position of authority and you are new to the workforce- so just make sure it doesn't mess you up in the head. Before anyone laughs that I am over-reacting with the professional help thing: my employer/company was so mortified with everything that we had endured that they offered the professional help on their dime during our workday.

[Gucci Model]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

I also want to reiterate- this is not your fault and it is not normal. If you need to talk to a professional once all this is over you should feel okay about doing so. These situations can mirror living with an abuser and because the offenders are in a position of authority and you are new to the workforce- so just make sure it doesn't mess you up in the head.

This made me almost cry because this is how I've been feeling. It is really starting to mess with me and get me very very down.

ETA: I've actually started waking up in the night with nightmares and feeling stressed all the time because I'm so nervous about the situation. And I used to be a really laid back girl, so this is very unlike me.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by RaggedyAnn

Also, if you don't want to go to a lawyer right away, go upline in the HR Department, or I hate to say this, call a woman in the HR Department.

At least talk to a lawyer (you don't have to hire them unless you want to) before you talk to HR.

It may seem like a big step, but the lawyer can't do anything without your approval and what you tell them is absolutely confidential. You should go into this situation knowing what your legal rights and expectations are.

[xi_pinkrose]

From my own experience, the system (or the powers the be) will make you feel like the guilty party. You are entitled to receive full pay for days you are asked to stay home from work. While the "situation" is being investigated or resolved.

I was out of work for a week because I was touch inappropriately and reported it. I felt like crap, I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life, I felt like I was being punished. Then I got paid for staying home and it was kinda nice.

I was strong enough to return to the job. I know I didn't do anything wrong. People would come up to me telling me how strong I was because I came back to work. They also thanked me for taking care of a situation that could have been much worse.

Hang in there and do the right thing. I was fortunate to work for a temp agency that handled all the legal fees. But yes lawyers on both sides were involved. It was pretty serious. And was serious!

You have a huge support system on GC.

ETA: Record the weather it sounds silly but holds a lot of weight for some reason. 70 degrees and raining means something.

[lake]

Originally Posted by xi_pinkrose

From my own experience, the system (or the powers the be) will make you feel like the guilty party. You are entitled to receive full pay for days you are asked to stay home from work. While the "situation" is being investigated or resolved.

This is so, so true, unfortunately.

Fortunately I've never dealt with sexual harassment, but almost three years ago I ended up having to deal with one of the most nasty, unpleasant persons I've ever met in my life.

Long story short, this woman was an incredible bully, very negative and vindictive. She was in charge of training me, and her hostile behavior became so uncomfortable for me I eventually complained to my supervisor. I learned that I was NOT the first one to complain about her behavior. In fact, two people before me in my position had quit because of her! But management refused to do anything because she had been there for forever and basically knew the department better than anyone there. After a couple of meetings with my supervisor (at which I was told I was doing a "great job" and this was just something I'd have to deal with), I finally asked him, "When are you going to deal with this problem? This behavior is not acceptable. Harassment is harassment."

Actually saying the word 'harassment' was the catalyst for me, but not necessarily in a good way. My supervisor then claimed he was obligated to bring in HR to mediate, I was forced to have a face-to-face meeting with this nasty woman with an HR rep, and ultimately my performance went from "great" to "not great", and I was told this was why this nasty person was justified in treating me so shabbily. Poor thing...she was just frustrated! Needless to say, I left a few days later, and never regretted it.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

He sends me inappropriate emails, calls my cell phone 24/7, sends gross text messages, etc. etc.

I agree, call an attorney, document everything, and call your cell phone company to see about getting your phone number changed. I'm not sure if it's possible to keep the old text messages he's been sending you if you change your number, but make sure you ask that question if you don't already know.

I hate that you're going through this, but I wish you the best. No one deserves to be treated this way.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I agree, call an attorney, document everything, and call your cell phone company to see about getting your phone number changed. I'm not sure if it's possible to keep the old text messages he's been sending you if you change your number, but make sure you ask that question if you don't already know.

I hate that you're going through this, but I wish you the best. No one deserves to be treated this way.

I don't think getting the phone number changed would help as the harasser is someone from work and being able to reach employees (having their phone number) is the norm at most jobs.

Document everything, contact a lawyer as they will know best the situations that apply to your state.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I don't think getting the phone number changed would help as the harasser is someone from work and being able to reach employees (having their phone number) is the norm at most jobs.

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

Of course what her boss is doing is not the norm, but I think I'm agreeing with VandalSquirrel here. If she changes her phone number, then she'll just have to give the new number to people at work and boss will call the new number.

It seems to me that what she needs is CallerID, which her cellphone should already have. Use CallerID to screen the calls and don't answer it when it's creepy boss -- make him leave a message. And if he leaves inappropriate messages, document them and find a way to keep a recording of them. Also, use the cellphone caller memory to keep a log of all calls from him, with date and time, whether he leaves a message or not.

Again, this is one of those things a lawyer who practices in this area could give her the best advice about.

[33girl]

All you need to give your work is an emergency phone number where you can be reached. It does NOT have to be your cell phone number - it can be your next door neighbor's phone number if that's where you can be reached in an emergency (like, bomb threat at the office and don't come in).

Contrary to popular belief, your workplace does not have the right to contact you at all hours of the day or night. I refused to give out my cell # at my ex-job and somehow people got it anyway which pissed me off.

G M - change your cell number (but see if your service carrier can figure out a way for you to keep any previous icky texts or vms for documentation purposes). If they insist on a "number where you can be reached" give them your parents' or a friend's land line. With what she's going through, "let it go to voice mail/check the caller ID" doesn't cut it. It's about feeling sick in the pit of your stomach anytime you see any evidence of this jerkwad.

[Gucci Model]

Thank you SO MUCH for the advice. I really can't thank you enough. I wanted to give an update and fill in some blanks.

I started documenting things in early May, when my boss started waiting for me immediately outside the bathroom door after I used the restroom. That was one of the incidents that really pushed things over the edge for me. I'm not sure I was documenting everything as completely as possible (ex: who was around, weather, other details) so I will be sure to do that from now on.

I appreciate the suggestion to not leave anything I'm documenting at work because I honestly hadn't thought of that before. I just forwarded all of the work emails he has sent me that are inappropriate to a personal email account so I don't run the risk of losing them, should I need them in the future.

I also appreciate the advice to put things in writing for the HR department, and to make sure I'm being very clear about how serious the situation is. I just sort of backed down and felt intimidated when the person I spoke with shot me down last time. I will be writing something very very soon.

Prior to May, I deleted most of the texts and voicemails, because they repulsed me. After he started waiting for me outside the bathroom though, I've saved all of the texts and written down info about the voicemails. To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.