How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[KSUViolet06]

I don't know how often this happens down south but I've seen it happen in my region a few times:

Moms will call and be SO mad that a chapter cut their daugher, and yet the chapter NEVER received a REC from her (we do not have a separate legacy form) or anything noting that she was a legacy, and there was NO MENTION of it in her recruitment app.

How were the girls supposed to know she was a legacy? They don't read minds.

And how are you involved enough to chew someone out, but not enough to send in the form so folks knew she was coming?

[Katmandu]

I hate the fact that competitive schools in which Recs are absolutely necessary, publish in their official recruitment booklet that Recs are NOT necessary, and that if a rec is needed, it is the responsibility of the chapter to obtain it. My God daughter is attending such a school, and we are definitely trying to get recs from all of the groups. Her mom and I have also told her that her legacy status (to her mom's sorority) will probably not factor into recruitment, that the legacy chapter will decide on invites based on her own "fit" into the chapter. I simply don't understand Greek Life offices not being up front with the girls and their moms about recs.

[Titchou]

The core of the problem is that it is up to each group whether or not they require recs. NPC can't mandate that. So, therefore, CPH can't do it either. However, we all know that's not reality in certain places - here in the SEC for sure. These are places where the rules are counter to what happens. In a perfect world, the chapters who require recs would get them on their own. But with up to 1600 PNMs, it just won't work. Heck, I went thru rush in 1963 at Alabama and we (my mother and I) got all my recs that summer. My aunt lived in Tuscaloosa and knew advisers at every chapter so I went down there several times and met them all and it was done. That was 47 years ago! Things have not changed....

[BAMA2]

Check out Alabama's recruitment website. It has an excellent section on recs. It tells PNMs that they should get them for all 15 sororities. It also explains what they are and what they are not.

As to girls who still need recs for SEC schools (other than Vandy and Ole Miss who have deferred recruitment), it may be almost too late. Most members are heading back in the next week or so to prepare for rush. The last thing many of them are going to want to deal with are last second recs!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by BAMA2

Check out Alabama's recruitment website. It has an excellent section on recs. It tells PNMs that they should get them for all 15 sororities. It also explains what they are and what they are not.

Also while you're looking at that, check out the "Greek Chic" booklet that the PNMs get. It is really well done.

What Bama has on their site is a great way to explain it and it also has CYA language for Panhel (i.e. you don't need recs to participate, which is true, since rush is a Panhellenic-held function). It just kind of tickles me how so many of these large schools thumb their noses at the whole "no frills" concept, why they wouldn't also do the same for the whole "telling rushees they need recs" matter.

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by 33girl

It just kind of tickles me how so many of these large schools thumb their noses at the whole "no frills" concept...

Compared to how they used to do recruitment, this IS no frills!

[Titchou]

#3: In my 47 years of membership in an NPC GLO I have never heard of such!

[Just interested]

TSteven

Thanks for the headache!

[Titchou]

Well, since I've been a rush adviser, I've been in MS many times and I've never heard that rationale. The obvious other side to this would be then that since legacies have this "added" pedigree they will be better members because they already know the responsibilities -as you stated. Unfortunately, I find the opposite to be true more often than not.

[AXOrushadvisor]

I guess at the end of the day you tried. Oh, I hope you keep us posted on this girl. Why would any one set up their own daughter for possible failure?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

I guess at the end of the day you tried. Oh, I hope you keep us posted on this girl. Why would any one set up their own daughter for possible failure?

Because she's a selfish heffa and what makes her happy is more important than what makes her daughter happy. I just hope that the daughter doesn't actually want to be in a sorority.

[dgdramadawg]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Because she's a selfish heffa and what makes her happy is more important than what makes her daughter happy.

What's really sad is that, knowing what I know about this chapter, I think this girl could actually be a good fit with them. But even if she gets a bid and pledges, she won't (entirely) be doing it because she's a good fit and she loves them, she'll be doing it because Momma told her so.

[FSUZeta]

that is so sad.

i hope if all works out for her and that she loves where she ends up and they love her, and mom supports daughter, no matter what!

[steelerbear]

Okay, here's my (long--sorry about that) story...

Growing Up
My mom has always been an active ΦM alumna, serving as alumnae chapter president, adviser for two collegiate chapters (one of which she helped get its start), and national officer. She would often take me down to one of the chapter houses where she was Adviser and introduce me to the girls who were there. When ΦM's national convention was here in Baltimore, I might have been about 10, but my mom had me putting together about 1,000 goodie bags to help out the local alumnae chapter that was "hosting" convention. Obviously, I had an affinity for the Greek system early on. Heck, I even remember one time I was making a keychain that was pink and silver, with the intent of giving it to my mom for ΦM's silver anniversary (little did I know how old the organization was). I've been on a never-ending Quatrefoil Hunt since I was, oh, about 6. (Side note: one of my mom's "favorite" ΦMs at one of her advised chapters has since gone on to become a pediatrician in the same practice as mine. When I went in for my final appointment with MY pediatrician, I got to meet her again, this time as my sister. Very cool!)

Originally Posted by honeychile

This actually happened more than a few times with us. Legacy would be on campus tour with her parents, and Mom would end up bringing Legacy over to the Sorority Suite. This would be almost a year prior to her actually starting college, so it didn't quite cross that dirty rush line.

Junior Year of High School
I went with my parents to my mom's Alumni Weekend at her college. She, of course, took me to meet her ΦM sisters. At least one of the girls who was there was a collegian, so already I was being introduced to people whom I would see when I ultimately went to the same college. I even got to take the group picture... practice for all those pictures I'd be taking in college myself.

Senior Year of High School
I auditioned at the conservatory at the college my mom attended in the '60s. I stayed on campus with two girls--one a ZTA (who was actually my hostess), the other a ΦM (her roommate). I was already experiencing the whole "Greek Unity" thing.

Freshman Year of College
I attended the same school as my mom. She had told me on numerous occasions that when I joined a sorority, she would buy me a "pretty badge," so obviously, she wanted me to go through rush. It never dawned on me that it might hurt her if I joined something other than ΦM, even after she had mentioned that she and my dad would be paying my membership dues no matter which group I joined. I'm pretty sure my mom had written my rec letter the day I was born.

My RA was a ΦM, which, of course, my mom found out the second I moved in the dorm. I didn't really have any intent of going through rush, but I did it sort-of to humor my mom. On Bid Day, after the festivities were over, I called my mom and told her I'd joined another group, just to hear her reaction. It was something along the lines of "...(short silence)...Good, congrats, I hope you'll be happy, just let us know what we can do for you." Very supportive, if hurt. But then I told her the truth, that I'd just returned from ΦM's Bid Day. I think the first thing out of her mouth was "you little brat," followed by "when should I come out for Initiation?" Since then, the bond I share with my mom has grown even stronger, but I'm still glad to know she would have supported my decision to go elsewhere.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

If I remember correctly, there has been discussion on GC of sororities implementing a "Super Legacy" (like some more selective colleges do) system at some of the schools where there are more legacies than 2nd round invites. The Super Legacy = the child of a more involved alumna. She would receive a higher level courtesy than a lesser involved one.

Here's the thread I think it was in:

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...t=Super+Legacy

...Continued...
It wasn't until after I was initiated for at least a few months that I learned my nickname. Because my mom was from that same chapter and highly involved locally and nationally, I'd been nicknamed "The MegaLeg" during rush. Even a year or so later, I still heard that nickname once in a while. It didn't bother me, but it did make me wonder if I'd gotten a bid because of ME or because of MY MOM.

Back to the OP...

1. WHY would this mom sabotage her daughter's recruitment by refusing to allow her daughter to seek recommendations for or even consider membership in any other chapter?

Because Mom is a dunce who has placed her own interests above her daughter's happiness. I certainly hope you have gone ahead/do go ahead with writing a rec for daughter! It sounds like she'll need all the support she can get from all the people who'll give it to her.

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

Then I offered to write her a recommendation for Delta Gamma, and she responded: "My mom won't let me get recommendations for other chapters because she says the only one she will pay for me to be in is [her own chapter]."

The whole 'money' thing is a pain in the butt. Even my Little relinquished her membership because she couldn't afford her dues anymore, and that still haunts and hurts me to this day. Not quite along the same line as the OP, but anyway... I have a VERY close friend at church who's 17 and going into her senior year of high school. Her family is not very well-off financially. Neither am I, but because of my love of Greek Life, and because I know Caitlyn (my friend and "little sister I never had") would probably enjoy Greek Life as much as I did, I've already started a savings account just in case she decides to go through recruitment. Her mom (her main care-taker; Dad's a schmuck) doesn't much care for Greek Life, and she doesn't want Caitlyn to get into anything that might cause trouble for her... but I know better. So when Caitlyn is ready to go off to college, wherever that may be, you'd better believe I'll write a rec if I can, and that her dues will already be paid for! Yes, I am aware that I'm crazy.

2. The larger issue: I would expect that most mothers would love for their daughters to join them as sisters... but how should moms treat their legacy daughters with respect to recruitment? Is there a way for a mother to encourage her daughter to consider her own house more heavily without destroying her chances at every other house on campus?

See my story above. I think my mom did a pretty gosh darn awesome job at pushing (read: not pressuring) me to go through recruitment. She also made it quite clear beforehand that I had her love and support no matter what I chose to do. That, I think, is the sign of a good mother, a good Panhellenic member, and, generally, a good person.

[AXOrushadvisor]

Originally Posted by steelerbear

Okay, here's my (long--sorry about that) story...

Growing Up
My mom has always been an active ΦM alumna, serving as alumnae chapter president, adviser for two collegiate chapters (one of which she helped get its start), and national officer. She would often take me down to one of the chapter houses where she was Adviser and introduce me to the girls who were there. When ΦM's national convention was here in Baltimore, I might have been about 10, but my mom had me putting together about 1,000 goodie bags to help out the local alumnae chapter that was "hosting" convention. Obviously, I had an affinity for the Greek system early on. Heck, I even remember one time I was making a keychain that was pink and silver, with the intent of giving it to my mom for ΦM's silver anniversary (little did I know how old the organization was). I've been on a never-ending Quatrefoil Hunt since I was, oh, about 6. (Side note: one of my mom's "favorite" ΦMs at one of her advised chapters has since gone on to become a pediatrician in the same practice as mine. When I went in for my final appointment with MY pediatrician, I got to meet her again, this time as my sister. Very cool!)



Junior Year of High School
I went with my parents to my mom's Alumni Weekend at her college. She, of course, took me to meet her ΦM sisters. At least one of the girls who was there was a collegian, so already I was being introduced to people whom I would see when I ultimately went to the same college. I even got to take the group picture... practice for all those pictures I'd be taking in college myself.

Senior Year of High School
I auditioned at the conservatory at the college my mom attended in the '60s. I stayed on campus with two girls--one a ZTA (who was actually my hostess), the other a ΦM (her roommate). I was already experiencing the whole "Greek Unity" thing.

Freshman Year of College
I attended the same school as my mom. She had told me on numerous occasions that when I joined a sorority, she would buy me a "pretty badge," so obviously, she wanted me to go through rush. It never dawned on me that it might hurt her if I joined something other than ΦM, even after she had mentioned that she and my dad would be paying my membership dues no matter which group I joined. I'm pretty sure my mom had written my rec letter the day I was born.

My RA was a ΦM, which, of course, my mom found out the second I moved in the dorm. I didn't really have any intent of going through rush, but I did it sort-of to humor my mom. On Bid Day, after the festivities were over, I called my mom and told her I'd joined another group, just to hear her reaction. It was something along the lines of "...(short silence)...Good, congrats, I hope you'll be happy, just let us know what we can do for you." Very supportive, if hurt. But then I told her the truth, that I'd just returned from ΦM's Bid Day. I think the first thing out of her mouth was "you little brat," followed by "when should I come out for Initiation?" Since then, the bond I share with my mom has grown even stronger, but I'm still glad to know she would have supported my decision to go elsewhere.



...Continued...
It wasn't until after I was initiated for at least a few months that I learned my nickname. Because my mom was from that same chapter and highly involved locally and nationally, I'd been nicknamed "The MegaLeg" during rush. Even a year or so later, I still heard that nickname once in a while. It didn't bother me, but it did make me wonder if I'd gotten a bid because of ME or because of MY MOM.

Back to the OP...

Because Mom is a dunce who has placed her own interests above her daughter's happiness. I certainly hope you have gone ahead/do go ahead with writing a rec for daughter! It sounds like she'll need all the support she can get from all the people who'll give it to her.



The whole 'money' thing is a pain in the butt. Even my Little relinquished her membership because she couldn't afford her dues anymore, and that still haunts and hurts me to this day. Not quite along the same line as the OP, but anyway... I have a VERY close friend at church who's 17 and going into her senior year of high school. Her family is not very well-off financially. Neither am I, but because of my love of Greek Life, and because I know Caitlyn (my friend and "little sister I never had") would probably enjoy Greek Life as much as I did, I've already started a savings account just in case she decides to go through recruitment. Her mom (her main care-taker; Dad's a schmuck) doesn't much care for Greek Life, and she doesn't want Caitlyn to get into anything that might cause trouble for her... but I know better. So when Caitlyn is ready to go off to college, wherever that may be, you'd better believe I'll write a rec if I can, and that her dues will already be paid for! Yes, I am aware that I'm crazy.


See my story above. I think my mom did a pretty gosh darn awesome job at pushing (read: not pressuring) me to go through recruitment. She also made it quite clear beforehand that I had her love and support no matter what I chose to do. That, I think, is the sign of a good mother, a good Panhellenic member, and, generally, a good person.

I don't find it crazy that you willing to pay someones dues. I find it extremely kind. I take my hat of to you.

Good story, BTW.